About the Looking to the Future category

When a loved one dies, moving on can feel like an impossibility. There are no timescales to grief. But, after some time, you may reach a stage where you feel ready to make changes in your life.

This may be moving area, house or job, or exploring new relationships. This is a safe place to discuss your feelings and experiences around topics like this, and to get support from people who have been there.

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It hasn’t been a month since l lost my mum, her funeral was yesterday (21/1/20), and l am existing not living…l have lost my reason for being and don’t know what my purpose in life is…Dr has signed me off for few more weeks but given me some advice - try to do something new that didn’t involve my mum - that’s actually really limiting because l did everything with her and not being able to share things with her is beyond hard. I feel numb, empty and its a continual sinking feeling every time l leave the house…l have no motivation to want to do anything but he also suggested keeping a journal of things l actually do and it can be something small like drinking more water or walking into town - positive things and it starts tomorrow although l will admit l reflected on what l did today which wasn’t much but it was a step forward, will admit didn’t enjoy it but l did it - l had lunch in a cafe by myself and did little bit of shopping - baby steps l guess. People tell me not to make any big decisions and not to rush back to work, give myself the time to adjust, to think, to consider changes l would have to make that would allow me to return to work eventually. It is early days and although l seem to have found an inner peace l am still lost, still grieving, my mum is, sorry was, my best friend and we had a bond that most seem to envy - l’m not fully at that stage where memories are easily accessible, l think the grief is blocking them and l’m afraid l will be overwhelmed…l find it hard to speak logically, l seem to ramble jumping from one thing to the next…trying to be busy but not wanting to do anything…l don’t think anyone person could really describe what grief is as it is many emotions all at the same time and the idea of moving on without that special person is unbearable…l still talk to my mum, ask for advice, guidance, even tell her what l’m doing or how l’m feeling…l never say my mum died, l prefer the term passed…apologises for the ramble but thank you

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Thanks for posting - I felt just the same although things have got much better since my dad died last June. Just after he passed I had to return to work. I was taking part in a singing workshop with lots of different schools where I had to play a court jester singing about making people laugh!! I also had to sing a song with the words “what is the point of living”! I tell you, at the time I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but somehow I did and I was fine. It was good to see other people. Since then I’ve been hit by a few waves of overwhelming emotion and I have also been having regular one to one counselling, when I mainly just blubber. But the crying has got better in between and I’ve had lots of lighter times too. It is hard to have fun right now - or feel like I did before, but I think I need to be patient. They say 18 months is the usual “recovery” time before you start to feel like you have grief under control. I think it’s a great idea to try new things and be kind to yourself as well and give yourself time to heal. We’ve all been through a big shock, and it takes a while to deal with that.

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I lost my husband of 23 yrs last September he took his own life. He suffered with anxiety & depression as well as physical health issues. I never thought in a million yrs he would do something like that as he was also quite religious. My world has been turned upside down I can’t focus properly , I have panic attacks feel really low alot of the time. We have a 16 yr old daughter who is also struggling because we’ll never have an answer as to why he really did this. I hurt so bad I miss him so much, there are days times when I just want to go to sleep & not wake up anymore but I try to keep going for our daughter.

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I’m so so sorry for ur loss, I’m feeling the same with my husband passing 3 weeks ago, all the things u said and feeling I’m going though aswell, it’s just one big mess!
The worse is like u said u feel like ur going to forget, I can’t smell or hear my husband voice I feel I should be just sat in bed, I’m not doing well, just a check in with u to see how ur coping and how ur feeling, kind regards cherish

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I am sorry for the loss of your Mum. I lost mine in November. I’m findind it tough getting any satisfaction from doing things and having much motivation. I like your Doctor’s advice to journal everything you do to show you are making steps. I wish you well in finding some respite from your grief.

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hi every body its been 12 weeks since i lost my lovely husband he was my hero if i had my time to live over i would marry him again It been hard for me i could not stand to be on my own there was to meny up setting memories so ive gone to live with my daughter’ is there any other person widowed and how are they coping with grief

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Hi, John my husband, the love of my life and best friend died in April from very aggressive cancer of the oesophagus x I still struggle to believe this happened to him as he seemed so healthy until January this year and was only diagnosed in March x My heart is so very broken without him and I miss him every minute of every day but I need to walk every morning (which helps clear my head) before I can even start to get through the day :broken_heart: I talk to pictures of John and have lots of lovely wee holiday videos (these things help me get through my day) x Take care x

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Hello Marycan I also lost my husband of 51yrs to the same cancer
It’s been 11months now and feel so lonely,. I just been sorting out stuff and come across some clothing of his it can be unbearable at times other times you cope.When it gets bad I just walk it gets me out of the house and see other people going about their business
It will get easier for us and when I hear all your stories I know I not alone going through this and that can be comforting so keeping messaging everyone

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I have just read your post and I am so so sorry for your loss and how it came about, how utterly devastating for you, my thoughts are with you and your daughter x

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Jalin I wholeheartedly feel your pain I can’t begin to think how hard this is on you I believe when someone takes there own life there completely out of control if you feel angry try to think he didn’t deliberately do this to hurt anyone I know this is not that helpful and you sound like your struggling so so much I lost my husband not to long ago to cancer I was privileged to have had the precious time with him care for him I too like you have a son I found what helps both of us I say I am always here for you then turn it round and say well so is your dad so it’s ok to say to you were always here for you our son said that felt beautiful and made him feel yes his dad will always be here as well as mum stay as strong as you can reach out when your world turns black to let a little light in and may god bless you and your daughter

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Rambling IS allowed. Goddess me I know! Some call it rambling others say, oh you’re repeating yourself and nauseatum. Regardless of how we say it, for most of us, talking out loud about what we’re going through relieves the pressure built up inside. Sometimes, it gets the better of us and the valve opens and tears flow out as a torrential downpour. Strangely enough, we feel better for the shortest time until the next waterfall moment. Go ahead, ramble on. At home by yourself, look up to the ceiling and just shout out: “Why has this happened?” or “Why now?” If you listen closely you might get an answer from above… Sometimes it comes quickly and clearly. Other times, it’s more subtle. I’ve learned over the decades that however cruel it is for us left behind, it was their destiny. However, and only recently, have I discovered that were all intertwined and that as it’s painful for us to go through and accept this new reality, it’s an acceptance they’ve to go through as well. All this fish stories mean one serious realisation… That a new chapter in our lives has begun right here right now and the person we relied on isn’t going to be the one to help out anymore. We’ve to grow, learn and experience new things with other sources of support. In simpler terms, sorry I’m too technical sometimes… It means that our own story involves new people, places and all. At the end of the day, a new destiny stands before us. Bottom line, it never really gets better, but you’ll see subtle signs here and there, that your Mum is still watching over you and gently guiding you to your new destiny. Remember, as long as they’re in our hearts, they never leave us. They’re now watching over us and helping us achieve and fulfil this new destiny! Blessed be dear!

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I lost my soulmate 12 weeks ago ,I feel.numb and not sure how I’m supposed to feeling,anyone else experience this ?

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Hello Jayne welcome to our club we’d never choose to be part of ,never feel you need ask is it ok to feel the way you do ,there’s no right way or wrong way ,it’s nine months since my partner died he’s my rock soulmate protector and for the first time in my life I live alone we also lost our child many years ago I had to face his first anniversary all alone we’ve got another child he’s a grown adult now but somehow it’s him I keep going for your world has been turned upside down only those whom experience grief will understand I am pleased you’ve reached out hear to share your feelings .it’s so raw for you 12 weeks is nothing I hope your gaining family support something I tend to lack oh at the start phone tingles door knocks offers of help asking can they do anything sadly I’d say I can’t cook iv no energy this was also before my partner died as I nursed him myself at home till the end I was left hungry surviving on cereal easy food I hope your getting better compassionate support be kind to yourself I won’t insult you by saying time heals maybe for some but not me I know I’ll be alone now till my day comes please keep coming on hear share your story if that helps your feelings anything that’s helpful to you sending you a huge big hug :heart:

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You’re probably still in shock, I’m still waiting to get answers to why now and how come he didn’t share with me how bad it was. Our goal in life was to reach our 50th wedding anniversary, but now, it’ll forever be 36!

You’ll wake up in the morning, and wish your partner was there still and that it was all a nightmare but there’s no end in sight. You’ve to push on and know that it’ll get better but never quite the same. It’s a whole new chapter of your life but the most difficult to write, turning the pages daily while shedding tears on the ink of life.

Find little goals to accomplish daily. That’s how I kept busy during May and June. These two months had more poignant days as in May, it was daughter’s birthday, then 10 days later, hubby’s birthday. June the first, our wedding anniversary, and I had people yelling at me to get things done.

So I’m trying this month to relax and slow down. Just wish this cold will be over soon.

Regardless, it’s okay to react whichever way that feels fine for you.

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Hi there so sorry for you ,yes think shock is still there it’s nine months now my life has again changed forever loneliness lost nobody I can turn to yes we’ve got another son but I try hard not to lean on him too much he has his own struggles and grief,I see no end to the pain no future for me I’ll always be alone I wake cry then through myself out of bed wondering how I’ll get through my day but hay great family support told me there’ll pick back up with me once iam healed on the other hand the6 say they love me .i know one thing for sure there’ll never have me part of there life’s again yet it hurts the ones you thought would be there are not oh I may get a call or text now and then but that’s there support so here I am without my wonderful hubby knowing what he’d say about them well I was his life his love his best friend they can say what they want but I won’t allow them hurt me anymore iam done grief is lonely unimaginable inner pain none of them know what true grief is I hope they never will I try to focus on my wonderful memories if I wasn’t a better person there’s several of my family I’d tell what my hubby would say one in particular well a few but I won’t as iam the one whom would suffer they clearly don’t care I hope you get family support I am sure it’d make you feel just a little not so much alone ,iam so happy I cared for my husband till the very end just me and him that’s how he wanted it to be I have so much love for him and that’s stay with me for evermore ,I actually feel sad for those in my family that believe I’d want them back in my life of course how could I when they hurt me they hurt my husband I shouted out in the street only other day his name I’d forgotten for split second thought I saw him sometimes if my phone rings I forget think oh he’s on his way back to see a diffrent name my heart sinks it feels like iam slowly dying loneliness in grief and loss is a killer but what dose my family care nothing iam not kidding myself anymore I just know I must wait till my time comes to meet him again stay strong as much as you can sending you hugs and sending some peace to you thank you for you reply

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Hi. Im new to this. I lost my Husband unexpectedly nearly2 weeks ago. He was 55. We never got chance to say goodbye. He was in intensive care.
Since then im feeling all of the emotions you mention. He was a 1/4 shareholder in his late Dads company. A sale had been agreed. We had no other money. Now his elder Daughter and Son are sending me nasty messages saying the share is rightfully theirs. I am so hurt by their actions. My Husband didn’t make a will. We were going to do so when the business sale went through. Its left me full of questions and anger and sadness for the retirement we had planned next year.
I feel numb. I just wondered if you are doing a bit better.
Jane

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Ahh my heart goes right out to you I’d love to be able to give you a big hug ,it’s sounding like your not just trying to come to terms with the saddened death of your husband ,you must be in turmoil I’d try your hardest to put the property to one side for now ,and process your husband’s death .was his daughters aware part of your husbands estate is yours ,if this is a legal binding documents ,then I’d say you’ve nothing to get distressed about otherwise you could see a solicitor and apply for probate ,which would give you power of attorney ,as you are your husbands wife then I’d say legally your entitled to have of all assets.as your husband hadn’t made a will .so so sad there dad died 2 weeks ago and there arguing about money ,I can only say on grief it dose strange thing’s to your mind it’s 1 year 6 weeks since my husband died and still iam consumed with thoughts I live some days like he’s still hear .calling out his name asking him what he wants from shop grief is so very personal and there’s no right or wrong way ,but iam going to be honest for me the intense pain is still there a yarning for him to hold me in his arms again ,do you have children if so maybe they can assist you in gaining probate it’s very straightforward and doesn’t cost much I’d certainly find a local solicitor,I only wish I could make things a little easier for you ,I’d assume the funeral hasn’t even taking place yet,or I could be wrong ,my husband asked I assist him with making a will if you Google simple wills you can do it on line they then send paperwork to you to sign so simple but my dear husband had his car and saving which he’s left to our son nice legacy from his dad try and take nod day at a time in-fact I was taking hour by hour anyway I could get through .I still dream about my hubby he left me with millions of beautiful memories and from life experiences somehow we have to survive iv no idea how I got from there to hear it seems to just happens ,sending you a big hug ,please try to take care of yourself concentrate on eating drinking lots water and try sleeping if your struggling there’s a app called mindfulness than you listen to .I understand what you say about your husbands estate was your and your husband’s future.sadly your future was taking fr9m you when your husband died ,but in saying that anything that will help later on in regards to your husbands estate fight for what’s yours as having that bit of security will help much love to you :rainbow:

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Thank you for your kind words xx

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It’s nothing just wish I could reach out to you

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