My sons whos 24 really is not copeing hes keeps puting things Facebook about not wanting this life we had words he said all I ever did was shout at nina it’s like he blames me and now hes tuck off God knows were to
@Mememe
Oh hun, your son is “coping “ with his grief in his own way, I felt utter anger the first 3 weeks, just angry, at no one in particular because I didn’t know who to be angry at, at myself for not being able to protect my baby, at my husband for not seeing what I couldn’t see , at the doctors for not saving my baby’s life, at God for taking my baby away … in the end I told Alaiya to go away, told her I am angry at her for leaving me like this 
but it’s all grief. Your son wanted to be angry at someone and it just happened that someone was you. Don’t let the blame dwell, oh hun, there are so many things I blame myself for, again it’s the grief. We haven’t done anything to hurt or harm them, we love them, every fibre of their body. Please speak to your bereavement team, we are here to support you but they can provide a bit more than we can do. Please do it, for yourself and the family. X
Dear Mememe,
Crushed is right - your son is angry at the situation and is venting that anger…unfortunately he’s taking it out on you. He won’t mean it…he’s hurting. It’s so desperately difficult for everyone…grief comes out in so many ways. Perhaps your son could have some telephone counselling? Whatever support is available take it for him and you. Thinking of you and sending love.
Hugs
Purple
Struggling today with the whys how could she hurt me so much and to find her that way
Mememe,
It was a moment of madness, not aimed at anyone. She wasn’t thinking to hurt you and not thinking about how she would be found. You’ll never know the trigger but please don’t blame yourself. No one is at fault here.
My nephew walked seven miles and stood on the train track. As the train came around the corner he lay down in front of it. The driver saw him but couldn’t stop in time.
We just cannot comprehend how he could do such a thing…believe me, he was gentle, kind thoughtful and caring yet he took his own life whilst his mother was fighting to live. We feel so much for the train driver, for the team that had to find his body parts. He was identified by DNA and fingerprints. Oli would never want to put anyone through anything awful.
Henry said to me “you can’t get inside someone else’s head”. but we all try don’t we?
I feel how hard it is for you…your daughter has died in tragic circumstances , my heart breaks for you 
Please contact SOBS for support. They have been very helpful to Oli’s siblings.
Keep posting . Big hugs
Purple x
@Mememe
Accept there will be days and nights like this when we can’t, just can’t cope 
Our loved ones are looking down on us, yes what a way to leave us, forever aching but they don’t want us hurting, at least I know that’s not what my baby is wanting to do. Big breath now, big breath, sing her song out loud and ask her to send you strength. Cry some more and then big breath again. These waves will hit us time and again but you’ll find a way to ride them. You won’t have answers to the whys because there aren’t any. We are listening, keep talking x
Thank you dear Crushed,
I am in a lot of pain in my back, but it is not as bad as you are feeling, life is very fragile as you say, How I feel for you, your husband and family. It must be absolute torture for you, it is good to talk about our loved ones and it does bring a certain amount of comfort, I chat about Stan all the time to our daughter and son, our grandson cannot talk about his granddad, they were good friends and very close. You are so right too about us having to live with a broken heart, This is such a sad time in our history, in all of my 80 years I have never known such a heartbreaking time as this which everyone is going through, I feel so sorry for those who have had loved ones, especially the ones who have passed away whilst working for the NHS.
Take good care of yourself,
Blessings,
Mary x
@MaryL
I have really bad lumber pains, more so when I’m hurting or depressed, I’m so sorry you are still in so much pain. Yes, the pain of losing our loved ones will never compare, so true. With tomorrow being Easter, we’ve just been out to hide the eggs in the back garden for the kids to find. Couldn’t help feeling heartbroken, Alaiya was only 2.5 months this time last year so didn’t mean a lot to her but this year, I’m sure she would have had that cheeky look in her eyes, trailing behind her siblings to find the eggs. But I mustn’t dwell on that. It’ll never happen. I carry on with her memories. As for the current situation, our kids are starting to feel its effect. They take turns at night when we tuck them in to ask questions. So many questions in their innocent little head. They are aware that Covid 19 is causing so many deaths. They know viruses kill their sister, they are worried that it’ll take away their own family. Little boy said to me these past few nights, “I would do anything to bring back Alaiya, even sell my pocket money or if another baby die, will Alaiya come back or if we’ve donated her organs, can’t another baby give us theirs?” He’s only 6 years old Little girl deals with it differently, she tells me it’s a wicked world and when she dies, she wants to come back as a worm so she doesn’t have to feel sadness x
Hi im so sorry for your loss our boy David passed away at 7 months i know words can’t describe the loss, he had been poorly from birth but we really believed he was improving we got told he wouldn’t survive the night at the end but he last 7 more days. My thoughts are with you and im always here if you wish to talk if that helps . Kev x
@Cambsbloke
Thank you for your kind words, I know the feeling of helplessness when you realise all the love for our loved ones cannot bring them back. I’m am so very sorry for your loss as well. Everyday you wake up and it dawns on you that your heart is breaking all over again. Every night you go to bed aching to hold them. It’s never ending. I’m grateful my two young children are here to keep me going. X
David passed away 16 yrs ago it feels like a few days to me the worst bit was when people said you’ve got other children to think of we had 2 daughters at the time yes we needed to carry on for them but that doesn’t stop the pain we also found out my wife was expecting just after Dave’s funeral which brought so many feelings up again. I made a memorial garden in our garden for Dave it was somewhere we could go and i know loads of family didnt understand but tending his garden made me feel like i was still doing something for him x
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@Cambsbloke
I understand what you are saying, sometimes people struggle to put into words what they really mean and when we are grieving, words can be so sensitive. I have to carry on for my family because I don’t want our life to continue being consumed by sadness, this pain will never go away and the kids remind me everyday that they are still here, however much they/ we ache for our loss. It’s a beautiful thing to do, nurturing your garden, we will be doing something similar but not sure what exactly yet. At the moment, we carry on burning a candle for her. I can’t imagine how it felt, having a baby after David. We are in turmoil whether to try for a baby, especially in this horrible climate. We are both in our forties and we haven’t under estimated the challenges we will face but the yearning is so strong. X
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I really found the news of the pregnancy hard i have to be honest it wasn’t planned and Dave had a genetic condition so it made the news even harder, i meant to say we light a candle in his garden every night if anyone ask me how many children i have i reply 4 3 that i can hild and one in my heart. I know people grief in different ways but my wife has managed to carry on being strong im still struggling with it and im under a team there are no set times for griefing ive carried the guilt of losing Dave all these yrs i always feel i could of done something but i know i couldn’t have but it doesn’t stop that feeling. I did get told in the early stages not to talk about him in front of our daughters who were 3 & 5 but the girls always spoke about him and personally I found that helpful x
@Cambsbloke
Of course, we all grieve in our own way, perhaps it’s better that way, it feels more personal. Between my husband and I, I can’t help but feel I’m the stronger one, I like to share my feelings, whereas he is more reserved. Over the last few days I’ve stopped trying to get him to open up, he prefers to spend the night and early hours watching mindless tv in the living room and I do the same in the bedroom. I’m angry at the moment because whilst I give him the space he needs, he knows I prefer to hold his hand and talk about our baby but so far I’ve been grieving all alone which makes it more unbearable. There is no time limit to grieve, you are right and I’m glad you are welcoming all the support you’ve been offered. This forum helps a lot as well.
I understand the guilt and the whys and the if only, Alaiya’s death was so sudden, sometimes she feels like just a dream, a beautiful dream, sometimes it feels like I can’t go on, the ache is so crushing. But I don’t doubt for one single moment that we protected our loved ones for as long as we could. But the thought of could we have done more does lurk at the back of my mind, it’s heartbreaking.
Our kids talk about Alaiya all the time and I cry a silent cry then. They are acutely aware of her viruses and this current virus taking so many lives and they can’t understand why. I can only talk to them about it and pacify their sorrow and anxiety. X
Your world touch my heart I lost my daughter 28 years on 1/3/20 she tuck her own life it’s so hard she suffered so much with mental health she tuck over doses over last 3 years we always saved her on the last day we saw her she was or seemed in a good place what ever happen that night we will never niw she new were we was she could have came to us any time she could have phone any of us we would have been there she hung her self on a normal size door and me and he dad found her it’s all see I have to keep telling my self shes at peace
Never think your on your own we are all here for you any time and if I could I’d hold your hand we all grieve our own way my son shuts him self away were I talk put not to my husband to people at work feel it helps
Im so sorry for your loss i can’t imagine what your going through or what your daughter went through x kev
@Mememe
I am so sorry, I wouldn’t know why your daughter didn’t come to find you when those thoughts were crossing her mind. I can only imagine at that time it got too much and she wasn’t thinking … just wasn’t thinking I still see my baby on the kitchen floor, the cold hard tiles, me desperately trying to get her to breathe but I have to stop the image, I shatter and crumble inside. That’s not how I want to remember her, never. I hope you find some moments of peace today. X
You have my sympathy, in more ways than one, Crushed, having lumbar pain really does take it’s toll at times like this, when we are grieving. I do believe that you have done remarkably well to carry out the traditions of Easter while nursing a broken heart, I am pleased that you can draw on your memories of Alaiya,
Bless your little 6 year old boy for his words, “out of the mouths of babes and sucklings”. I couldn’t help having a smile when you told us about your little girl saying that she wanted to come back as a worm, until I read the reason, bless her, I wish that there was something I could do, to ease your family’s heartache, your children are so cute.
God Bless them, you and your husband.
Love,
MaryL
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Kev,
Your post is so sad, it is wonderful that you have made a garden for your Dave, I do feel for you.
x MaryL x
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