Aching to hold my little girl

I never thought this time a few weeks ago that I’d be signing up to such a forum and yet here I am … It has been 4 weeks yesterday since our 13 months old beautiful baby left us for ever, I can’t even use the word “died “ … She had a chest infection the day before and showed similar symptoms of bronchilitis which she had twice in the last few months. Visits to A&E were futile as we were sent back, everything is OK as per our observations they had said. So when it happened again, the night of that morning of that day, just for peace of mind, we booked an emergency appointment with the GP for lunchtime. Except she never made it … as she lay unresponsive in my arms, I knew she had gone. First aider and paramedics told me there are breathing for her when I asked if she was ok. But I can’t understand, I remember saying, I did CPR on her, she was alert this morning, this can’t be happening. Escorted by a riot police van (me in the back, frantically trying to catch a glimpse of my baby in the ambulance in front) and another police car, all 4 emergency vehicles rushed to hospital, I later learnt they had an air ambulance on stand by. She was clinically declared in the next 24 hours. She was simultaneously attacked by 3 viruses and her lungs and heart couldn’t take it. No signs of pupils dilating and no brain activity they said, as soon as my husband joined me at the hospital. We held her celebration of life 20 days later, with only a few friends and family. The rest couldn’t make it due to the regulations enforced as a result of the pandemic. Yesterday it hit us both that we are now a family of 4 and not 5, we accepted that she had gone, never to come back but we are exhausted emotionally, trying to carry on. So achingly painful, so crushed, so how do we ever recover from this? I’ve been told with time it gets easier but does it??

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You poor, poor soul, I can’t imagine what you are going through, I cannot comment but my thoughts are with you and your family xxx
Love
MaryL

Hi @Crushed, I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your little girl at 13 months old, that is so devastating. It is very sad also that many people couldn’t make it to her celebration of life due to the current restrictions.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as many of our users find that it helps a little to have an outlet for their emotions, where they can write freely and get things off their chest. There are other bereaved parents posting here who will understand some of what you are going through. For example, @Jamsuzied6 has posted here about losing a baby: Genetic

There is also an organisation called The Compassionate Friends who offer lots of support to parents who have lost a child. Although they are not offering any face-to-face support at the moment, they are still offering telephone and online support.

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Hi @MaryL
Thank you for the kind words and I too, am sending you lots of strength and love for what you are going through.
Somehow, morbidly, it brings home the bitter realisation that we are not the only one who have been crushed to the core.
I feel a bit ok this morning. Husband and I had a chat last night, we agreed we can’t grieve in a corner each and not share our pain.
Wishing you a good day to you @MaryL x

Hi Crushed.
Thank you for your message, I wish you a very good day too, I am so pleased that you and your husband had your chat.
Stan and I were married for 59 years, and yet it wasn’t long enough, he passed away very suddenly, I found him on our bedroom floor, he had died. It sounds so selfish compared to what you are going through, together with your husband and family. I really feel for all of you.
Take care,
MaryL x

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Hello again Crushed,
I hope that you are having a better day too, Please know that we are all here for you and hoping that we can bring you some solace and comfort.
I honestly don’t know what to say to you, other than we can “listen” and read, whenever you need us.
MaryL x x x

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Hi @MaryL
We’ve just been for a very brisk walk, we haven’t been out for the last few days, felt a bit better plus the 2 children kept us busy. We’ve been married 15 years and we are both in our forties. 59 years sounds like a very long time and you have been so blessed but I know what you mean. Somehow one year or 60 years suddenly without your loved one, it’s just isn’t enough is it? We are waiting for the ashes still, only then will I feel that’s one milestone reached. X

It is never long enough, Crushed, I feel selfish at times that we had so long together and I moan . I thank God, I was only 17 when we started walking out together. Stan and I were neighbours he, went into the RAF, when I was a child, when he came home I had grown up. The rest is history as they say.
Walking out is an expression which my dear friend of nearly 72 years was an expression which her mum used. Within 3 years I lost my dearly loved brother, my dearest friend, Pam and worst of all, Stan.

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Hi crushed what can I say my daughter tuck her own life5 weeks ago she was 28 and your precious little tuck away at such a young age I send you a great big hug dont grieve on your own were all her talk it helps

@MaryL, I feel your pain and I ache for you, so many loved ones who are now in heaven. They say death is part of life but only when you lose someone, you realise how fragile life is, what we take for granted, little insignificant things we complain about … grief makes you reassess these things. I don’t think time is a healer or that our pain ever goes away, we have no choice but to live with our broken heart. Don’t think you are being selfish, I like to talk about my little girl and I will carry on for as long as I live. So should you, for me, this brings comfort. Also such a beautiful and romantic story, of you and Stan, keep his memories alive x

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Hi @Mememe

Do you have a second profile under a different name?

Dont think so

Thank you, Crushed. x

Sorry @Mememe
How have you been today? It’s all so raw at the moment, everyday is a struggle when I think of my little girl, sometimes to stop the ache, I just block her out and then I feel guilty, do you feel like this sometimes? X

Crusted I under stand that feeling it hurts to look at photos or her things because it makes it real feel dum like it’s a dream been to work today cry on and off all day I made a bed and sobbed it just came from no were going to phone tomorrow to see if Christina’s ashes are ready

Hi @Mememe
I couldn’t sleep last night and it must have gone 2am when I just have drifted off. Can’t remember what film I even watched. So very late getting up this morning. How are you today? Tell me more about Christina, it would love to hear about your beautiful girl :heart: X
PS yes looking at photos … too heartbreaking for me at the moment x

I offen dont sleep till early hours just been and picked up Christina ashes (nina) was the name we used as her old sister could not say Christina when she nina was born so nina stuck

Dear Crushed
I’m so desperately sorry you’ve lost your daughter. This time with the lockdown is making grieving harder for all of us. What can I say to help? Not much really, take each hour at a time, be kind to yourself and rest if you can.
I lost my younger son last October- he was thirty years old. I’m coping better…longer spells each day when I’m distracted and don’t feel the pain but then wham, from nowhere it’s back…just like the first day.

I’m so sad for you, for everyone who’s lost someone precious. We will always love them.

Big hugs to you all
Purple

@Mememe
Today was spent in the garden with husband and Alaiya’s older siblings, we have Sophea (9) and Ashvin (6) and couldn’t help miss her, she’d just started to walk and by now she’d be running across the lawn in this beautiful weather which was a bitter sweet feeling :broken_heart: we got phone call as well, her ashes are ready. We are keeping her at home and we all thought we would have some of it made into jewellery. How are you feeling today? X
PS I’m going to try and reestablish a normal bedtime routine, I’m thinking I need that. I’m Nima by the way and I’ve been called Nina so many times :heart: X

@Purple
Thank you for your uplifting and kind words … how are you today? Sending you lots of strength, my god we need it , even if it’s just to function. I gained some solace hearing from you that with time, it gets a bit more bearable, as I don’t think I could have lived the way I’m living now, in constant ache and pain. I’ve read on others’ post how the grief carried on years down the line :broken_heart: with the lockdown, my silver lining is that I have husband and 2 kids at home to preoccupy me, don’t know what I’ll do when the kids are back at school and husband return to work. I’ve been on maternity leave since January 2019 as we’d decided it was better for me to be a stay at home mom, when it came to the end of my leave, January 2020, we decided to keep going the way we were … but with Alaiya now gone, I have no wish to return to work, even less now.
I’ve said a silent prayer for your beloved son, I say prayer but I lost my faith, regardless, I’m thinking of you as well. X

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