I feel very strange in a world where I don’t have parents any more - does anyones else get this? It’s like being adrift, without so many of the familiar signposts and landmarks that kind of defined my life for so long. Nothing seems the same, even though I am fortunate to have a husband and children. There is something very disorientating about not having the sense of my childhood memories any more, because I don’t have the people who knew me when I was a child and growing up. I’m not sure I’m making much sense, but it just feels really weird to have lost all of those references to times, and places, and people, that only my parents shared. I can’t just call mum any more and ask her who somebody was, or what happened when we were somewhere, or where a holiday was or any of that life stuff. Easy to feel lost, as well as dealing with the grief of losing her…
Dear NPM,
What you write makes perfect sense to me. I too lost both parents, first my dad and the following year my mum. Like your mum, she was 86. My sisters and I suddenly realised that we were now as you say adult orphans. One of mys sisters wrote a beautiful poem and the last lines were about how sad she was that from ow on we could no longer be just ‘children’. I think no matter what age we are, to our parents we always are their children. When we loose both of them, it feels like the end of ‘childhood’. I also found it very hard that there was no longer a home away from home to go to.
It is true what you say, that there will always be things we wished we had asked them when they were still alive. I am glad that I had asked them many things over the years, and you have probably done that as well. Do you have any relatives left who knew you when you were young? My dad was one of 4 children, and my last aunt on his side recently died, but his foster sister is still alive. On my mum’s side I think there is only one of my aunts left, so they are the only two people left of that generation. I do have lots of photo albums and my parents wrote brief life stories.
I hope that like me, you have many treasured memories and that they bring you comfort.
Jo
NPM,
Yes, it is a strange world without both parents. I lost my Dad over twenty years ago and my Mum 17 months ago. A friend on this forum said that we needed to be our own anchor when we lose both parents. Those words struck a cord with me.
I miss sharing with my Mum our shared history and our long conversations. I want to share life/childhood memories with the one person who ‘gets it’, but sadly can’t anymore. The loss so huge, I can’t find the words.
Take care
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful messages. It is so comforting to feel less alone, less strange, because this is a shared experience, even in all of our distinct ways. There are so many lovely, rich memories in your posts, of lives lived together in the ways that we do with our parents, and even though the memories may be different, the sense of connection feels like my own, as does the pain of losing those connections. I feel so fortunate to have read them, to have a glimpse of those lives that you have shared here.
Perhaps we could never have asked all the questions, because we couldn’t know what we would miss afterwards? And I do know that in time, the memories I have of my parents will bring comfort rather than the pain I feel at the moment. Sometimes I’m afraid I will lose them, that I will forget those times spent as a child, with my parents and my siblings. My mum was the last of her family, and there are no aunts, uncles or cousins to remember with, as neither of her brothers had children. She held all of our family histories, so there is no-one to talk to now. Yes, the loss is huge, so I am grateful for knowing I am not alone, even though I think a part of me - maybe all of us? - will be a little lonelier without our parents somewhere in our lives.
Take care, and sending much love❤️
NPM,
That’s a lovely reply. 
I worry I’ll forget because, remembering can be painful. You are certainly not alone in feeling a terrible loss.
I have found it hard because I have three siblings, and before mum died we talked almost every day. Mostly it was about mum, but other conversations would happen as well. In the weeks since she died we have barely spoken, and they never talk about mum at all. I know we all grieve in our own ways, but I really miss the connection we had when mum was alive and sometimes wonder whether we will ever get back to something like that again or will just carry on drifting apart - breaks my already broken heart… They are the only other people who also lost mum, and I feel like she is being lost in the silence now💔
I have no children or brothers or sisters. The past just can’t be shared in the same way. I also miss sharing daily news with my Mum.
Hopefully, when it feels less raw your sisters will talk about your Mum.
I think the must be so hard @Daffy123 - there are just some things that can really only be shared with your mum and to lose that is devastating. Do you write things down at all? I started a letter to my mum after she died as a sort of way of ‘talking’ to her. Sometimes that helps a little, although there are also times it just means I miss her more, depending on how I’m feeling x
In the early days, I wrote letters to Mum. Sometimes, I add little bits to it.
I also talked to my Mum, as if she was present. (When my partner was not around.) I had a lot to get off my chest. I found it a good grief stresss buster. If someone had told me I’d talk to my deceased mother, I would have said I’d lost the plot. I used to talk to her daily, as if she could hear. Sometimes, I do it on walks in the countryside. Again, when no one was looking!
Now, I speak to her only very briefly once a week. I continue it, as i don’t want to let go of that emotional connection just yet. It’s helped me greatly. Perhaps, the comfort was just getting it off my chest. I don’t know. I believe I felt her presence at times.
My Mum passed away 17 months ago suddenly from pnemonia and a heart attack. It still seems strange to write those words.
Hi i know what you mean i just lost my paremts 4 month apart feel so weird yes that ijust cant ring my mum up and ask her whats what find my self doing this alot thinking of youxxx
I have a photograph of mum in my kitchen that I touch when I walk in there - like you say @Daffy123 I feel it’s a way of making that emotional connection tangible somehow. I also have the flowers by her photograph on my windowsill that I bought on Mother’s Day - the first one without her and only a few weeks after she died which was hard. Saying, or writing, my mum died, still doesn’t make sense. It was so sudden and I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks because she was in a care home. Never been more than a couple of weeks without seeing her, so for her to die when I hadn’t seen her for a few weeks was terrible. I’m so sorry you lost your mum suddenly it’s such a shock isn’t it? x
Hi @Jillybean1 that’s so hard, to lose your parents just 4 months apart I’m so sorry. Being without parents is a really weird feeling I know what you mean. Made me think how much I just expected my mum to always be there after my dad died - sending hugs xx
NPM, it’s very early days for you. It is without a doubt a terrible shock losing a loved one. I was very gentle with myself in the early months, due to the shock. I went to bed an hour earlier, so that I could get a better night sleep. I didn’t think it wise to push myself.
NPM, I’m sorry you’ve lost your Mum. x
Jillybean1,
It must be so difficult losing both parents so close together. Please look after yourself and keep posting on this forum. People here understand how raw it can feel.
Take care x
Thank you @Daffy123 it’s good to be reminded it’s still recent - I think I forget it & then struggle when the grief floors me again😓 x
Thank you so glad i found this group as i need people at this moment in time sending big hugs and love to you allxxx:kissing_heart:
I have a clear vision of the day my grandpa (my dad’s dad) was laid to rest.
My dad was stood in our living room and said " Well that’s me an orphan now"
I thought it a very stange thing to say - He was a grown man “My Dad” How could he feel like an orphan… “Children are orphans”…
My dear dad passed in 2011…
My dear mum passed in 2020…
I now understand what he meant that day.
I am an adult (53) orphan and feel very alone in a world without parents…
Take Care and be kind to yourself x
Hi @Jinxie thank you. I know what you mean about how can a grownup be an ‘orphan’? It doesn’t make sense. And I don’t think we can understand what means, much less how it feels, until so sadly it happens to us. Someone I know said to me a couple of days afterwards
‘well that’s your anchor gone then’
And he was so right - that is exactly how it feels sometimes, like being tossed around in a storm without any anchor or somewhere safe to go.
I guess we learn to be our own anchors? Or find them in other places than in our parens? I don’t know it just all feels hard at the moment, and yes I feel very lost and alone sometimes.
Take care xx
For me the anchor has gone - Never to be replaced… Never Can!
I suppose we had shared that anchor for the last few years.
My mum was 80 - very frail with Parkinson’s disease and dementia with lewy bodies.
But oh she still made me feel safe - feel me…
I just feel I’m on a different journery now.
Don’t really know where I’m going.
But it just feels very lonely without my dear mum and dad…
Xx
I know what you mean - it’s like getting in your car and having no idea where you’re going, how you’re going to get there, or what the journey will be like… It will definitely all be different
Sometimes it scares me a bit, that sense of loneliness without them you mention. And when you say that your mum still made you feel safe, feel you, in spite of everything she was going through, I get it. Sometimes I wonder who am I without my parents somewhere in the world to help me understand that? It seems so ridiculous when I’m 57 years old but without them I feel lost.
xx