I haven’t been on the site for a little while, but l feel l need advice on Xmas from you all who are in the same nightmare as me this will be my first Xmas without my darling husband of 58yrs,we didn’t really celebrate Xmas since family grown up,just saw it as another day,l have a feeling that my son and daughter in law will feel obligated to ask me to go to them ,l don’t want to ,l won’t be seen as a burden ,my son dislikes Xmas l know what it would be like just sitting in front of the tv trying to make conversation,am l wrong in thinking this,l would appreciate other views from people who no what we are going through,day by day god bless you all
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Ginny, so sorry for your loss. My Jackie passed on the 8th March 2025 and similar to you we would have been married 58 years in September.
This will be my first Christmas without my wife and I will not be celebrating anything. I will be treating the day(s) as any other day and will be on my own.
As yet my family are not aware of this, but am determined I want to be left alone.
Having said this, I will probably FaceTime.
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Hi Ginny. I felt exactly the same as you. I decided to celebrate Xmas only with the memories of my wife, Penny who died 3 1/2 years ago. I usually go and climb a big hill in Derbyshire, as I would have made a date to meet her up there. She’s always there! I just sit and chat to her about “things” for a while, then off to the pub for a pint and bag of crisps. This Xmas will be my 4th trip up there, wind or rain (It’s not snowed yet!). I get a bit emotional, but strangely happy at the same time.
My friends and relatives all understand, and call me to wish me well, and they remember Penny as well. I couldn’t face a big “do” with family, because all it does is to remind me “she’s not there”. But on top of that hill, she is!!!
Good luck to you
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Thank you for your reply you have such a understanding family ,have a lovely Xmas with your memories
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I’ve made enquiries today about helping Christmas Day at a lunch for people who want company so I get to be out in company and don’t feel a burden on my children. Coincidentally my husband and I discussed us both going there to help. It’s early days for me x
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Ginny, I’m probably the oddball here. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly last November 17th, and the funeral wasn’t until 10 December. I have 4 children, their 4 partners and 11 grandchildren. Mary loved Christmas and would buy hoards of presents for friends and the family too. There was a list of what she was giving to each of them last year, which for once was money in the main so they could buy what they wanted. I fairly closely followed her list, and we had our normal family get together for lunch, with presents afterwards. I’d found a couple of gifts I was 100% sure were from Mary to me, and her card to me, so I had wrapped the presents but left the card blank, and opened them with the other family. Yes, it was very emotional but we all had the good time Mary would have wanted us to have. I wanted to make sure the grand children had a good time, and it made me smile to see them doing that. We will be doing the same this year too. But that is my family!
In your situation I would not feel it wrong to say to your son and DiL that you would prefer to be at home by yourself, with your thoughts and peace and quiet thinking about your husband and the wonderful times you will have had over those 58 years. I agree that feeling they were obligated to ask you would not work out best.
Take care xxxx
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What a lovely way to spend Christmas. Memories are precious.
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Here’s me and my furry pals on top of Mam Tor, on Xmas Day lunchtime . It felt brilliant, because I was 75 and didn’t think I could manage it, but I did!!!, and I did it for Penny.. It gets a bit more difficult each year, but I’m going to keep doing it until I find I have to do the last bit on my hands and knees 
, then I might crawl up! One thing is certain, it beats sitting around a table with an empty chair next to me. You are welcome to join me, bring your own soup and Xmas cake.
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You all need matching coats. I have 4 furry pals. I am dreading Christmas this year. Think I will cook forthe dogs and watch terrible TV. Keep up your strength and we alll neec pics x
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Hello Ginny, sending you virtual support and hugs, I am sure your son and daughter in law will want to do everything they can to help at xmas. It will be different for them too and probably they are thinking what can we do to help. I loved the posts sent to you in reply though, everyone spending their own special way to be with their partners. My husband died on 27th November last year and the funeral was 17th December, we were married 47 years - I greatly admire your 58 years - that’s wonderful. My preference for xmas would be like the replies on this site, I would like to be on my own, not having to pretend, my own solitude would suit me fine - along with my furry friend, but to support family, if they invite me I would probably go, would feel pressured, like you. Feel I need a plan, and could say, thank you very much, greatly appreciated - my day is planned, and spending it with my darling because he is here in my heart all the time, god bless you too.
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Great pic, and wonderful furry friends.
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Good luck, and a happy xmas Panger. Being alone with the one you want to be alone with feels great, with tears and smiles all mixed up. The smiles win in the end 
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Thank you for your post, through all the posts I have found positive answers that l am right in staying at home,without any guilt ,at the moment l am in a bad place everything seems to be going wrong,l feel so vulnerable and alone,l don’t know where to turn ,is this life now ? Virtual hugs to everyone
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If you have a choice where you would rather spend the day on your own then I would personally do it,
I do not have that choice , I am ten years off retirement age and work in a large coaching entertainment hotel , time off at Christmas is just a No No ! Until last year my first Christmas without my husband I was granted time off first Christmas off in 34 years and it took my husbands death to get it , I ran away to my home town last year . Christmas Day I have to paint on a smile , put on me sequins and wish 160 guests a Merry Christmas , can’t tell you how mush I don’t want to do that , but it’s my job , and I just have to treat it as another performance , I just “pretend “ it’s wonderful and then when I get to go home I can just have a large glass of wine and a cry , because I can , and because I will want to. If you don’t have to pretend then do really what you want x
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Thank you for your reassurance that l am doing the right thing by stopping at home,it must be hard for you putting on that painted smile for guests, inside you must be crying,my grandson has just been and he was surprised at me for staying at home,but fully understood,he said it was my choice, best wishes and hugs
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Hello Ginny,
Ginny, I feel for you so much, some advice I received which I have found helpful, was to be unconventional and kind to yourself, I also find myself remembering - an invitation is a choice, it is completely fine to follow your instincts and stay home with no guilt whatsoever ever. This has been the most difficult time of my life also and my heart is reaching out to you, together we can find strength to see the good things in life again. Just a robin outside or the wind in the trees or the leaves rustling, all of these can bring you some feelings of comfort. My sadness doesn’t leave me but I can cope with it better, a little anyway. I like the phrasing in the book “The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse” - I actually read this book out loud to myself.
“Is your glass half empty or half full?” asked the mole.
“I think I’m grateful to have a glass” said the boy.
On xmas day, we can raise a glass to each other wherever we are, and send each other the strength to help us through. Sending you hugs too and hang in there, don’t expect too much of yourself. There is a lot of comfort in our own homes. x
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Thank you Tykey so much for your nice reply - gives me strength, so kind.
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Thinking of you, Jane, so brave coping with 160 guests, sounds so difficult, know the feeling but on far smaller scale. Admire you very much, home with a glass of wine is such a blessing, I hope you get boxing day off x
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Hi @ Panger. I’ll raise a toast to you (can we do that with Turkey soup?) if/when I make it to the top of Mam Tor. After the first year after I went up t’hill, I went to a local pub. They were just serving pre-booked Xmas lunches, which I hadn’t booked. I bought a pint and a bag of crisps and sat by the log fire in the corner with my furry friends, and watched all the families having fun. You might think that this would be upsetting, but it wasn’t. I really enjoyed watching everybody. I didn’t get emotional about Penny at all (or much at all), but I thought of her a LOT!! I think it was because it was on neutral ground, and she’d never been in that pub, so there weren’t any memories. I now realise how important that was!!!.
What was a real bonus was that lots of other guests saw me sitting quietly in the corner with my two people magnets, and came over for a little chat (with me) and to give a few pats (to the dogs). I still remember that first Xmas day with a gentle pride.
I wish you well
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Hi all,
Holidays and special occasions can be an especially painful time - and often even more so when they’re the ‘firsts’. It’s good to see that you are all sharing your plans (or ‘non-plans’!), and helping to support one another here 
It may be helpful to have a read of our advice and support on coping with grief at Christmas on our website: Coping with grief at Christmas | Sue Ryder
Take good care,
Naoise
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