Please dont judge…
My darling partner died in April. We were together for 10 year and he was my everything. He was not my husband. My husband has disability and mental health problems. I couldn’t leave him alone because he needed my help and support. My soulmate understood and we hoped we would be together completely in our future. He said he loved me more for being so selfless and was the only one I had who took care of me and cared about me.
We had an amazing 10 year as a couple …shared interests, friends, humour, family connections (I was completely accepted as his partner by his family)…
I know it’s my own fault I’m in the situation and deserve it for what I did but does anyone else understand how terribly difficult it is greiving under these circumstances? I feel like a widow but cannot get the support or understanding I need…I cannot even talk to anyone about it. My best friend was supporting me but she died 14 days after him. My best 2 people gone in a fortnight.
I’m reeling. I’m still reeling. The grief inside me is massive in my chest and i ache. My little ray of sunshine in quite a difficult life has gone. I have no future. I have massive regret. I miss them both so so much. My loneliness is crushing
i don’t have some good advice as shaking and crying myself right now and my mum thinks I am having a shower so I better be quick but I am so sorry for you and send love to you, it is not an affair in the normal sense but sounds harrowing for you like you tried to do a good thing out of love in all directions, please don’t judge yourself.
Good morning
I have a huge amount of empathy for you. I also became involved with a man, we had an affair. I am in my early 20s and he was much older than me. We had a child, his family had no idea about us. He died by suicide in Jul and since then I have suffered the same disenfranchised grief you describe. A piece of advice I was given very few early on was to find someone to confide in and share my grief with; I chose a counsellor and it helped a great deal. I was able to talk about my grief, fears, loneliness and anger in a safe place and without judgement. I was told by this counsellor that my feelings were legitimate and that I needed to find ways to grieve the huge loss in my life, albeit not publicly. I couldn’t go to his funeral, or the remembrance service or to visit his grave even though he’d lived with me Sun PM - Friday for 5 years. With the help of my counsellor I’ve found ways of coping - I held my own goodbye ceremony, I’ve kept a journal, I’ve given myself the kindness required to allow myself to grieve without too much guilt (although the I still have loads and hate how I behaved). Would you be comfortable speaking with someone? If not then I want to say that your grief is real, people have affairs, life is complicated, you’re not a terrible person. After 4.5 months I can tell you that the initial crushing grief does lift slightly, it’s always there but it does get easier and that there is always hope of a better day. Here if you ever want to talk. X
Cat, lots of love to you. I see not everything is black and white. I am quite self obsessed lately but hadn’t considered situations like yours where on top of it you cannot grieve openly. Grief is grief and he was still your partner with this irrefutable fact of both of you together in a child. I hope you have some good hours today xx
You’re absolutely right to be “self-obsessed” as you call it, you’ve suffered a huge trauma & loss and you deserve to put yourself first, it’s the only way to repair. Take the time you need, let people look after you (they will want to) and look after yourself too. Lots of people on here walk about being kind to yourself - it is so true! I do wish that I could have gone to his funeral and grieved more publicly, but I’m trying to remember that it was his life that defined him, not his death, and that this isn’t the end. Thanks for your really kind reply. Try and have as good of a day as is possible x
No judgement, love comes when and where it is needed. Grief is bad enough, do not add guilt to it, it just saps the energy you need for other things. X
Nobody can help who they fall in love with. It must be so hard not to talk openly about your partner. Confiding in a counsellor is a really good idea. I found my sessions invaluable💙
Oh Cat, I really feel for you x I married my husband in August and now he’s gone. I instantly felt that pur marriage was invalidated. It wasn’t and I understand that now. However, this must be so hard for you but nothing compares to loss, it can not be measured. He was an intimate person who was your strength in your life x do not harbour guilt x you are a victim of your own loving caring nature … please please find someone you can confide and share with x you need that, I am thankful to sit and have a snivvel ( I keep the sob and screams between me and myself) in front of and with my family.
See your GP x get an urgent referral x pay private if you can x see if you can find an empathetic and skilled nurse, wsomone with a brain x not every one has the natural skill pr strength to listen x please.keep.posting x
Hey, how are you @FleurDeLis? I’m ok. Well ok enough. I’ve had a rough few weeks and have struggled to do much apart from work, take care of my daughter and then get in to bed at 7pm. It’s really unlike me but I just want to hide away from the world. I’m lucky that I have close family and friends, but I’m still not able to talk to them about JD, the man I love & that’s starting to get really tough. I’m hoping to muster the courage and words to explain sometime, but for now I’m trying to focus on other things to get me through.
How are you doing? You’ve been in my thoughts a lot & I’ve been reading your posts even when I couldn’t muster the words to post anything myself. X x
Thank you for being so understanding.
I have never tried to make excuses for myself, I know I shouldn’t have been involved with a married man. I didn’t set out for it to be like that. We were best friends, he confided in me about how unhappy he was, how he’d tried to end his life because of that, how he needed someone to talk to, how he needed me. Over time, many years in fact, that grew in to love. We were only intimate a handful of times, once that led to the birth our daughter, but we spoke all day, everyday & he lived at my house - mostly in the spare room - Mon-Fri. I feel stupid writing that, like everyone will be eye-rolling and thinking I was naive and blind to the reality of the situation. Maybe I was. Maybe I was just his weekday “toy”.
When I eventually mustered the strength to tell him that it couldn’t go on, that he should put things right with his family and be an honest man, he ended his own life. I told him it wasn’t right for us to be together and that he needed to walk away from me and my daughter. He took his own life in the week after I told him that. The guilt of that haunts me. I thought I was helping, I thought I was doing the right thing by everyone. He wanted to leave and I wouldn’t let him, not for me. I feel like it’s my fault. I think a part of me always will. I don’t feel like a victim or that I’m owed any understanding. I hate, more than anything, that 3 children (my daughter and his 2 x teenager daughters) are suffering because of us, us who as adults should have known better. It’s tragic. I also hate, and I know I shouldn’t feel this way because he was obviously mentally ill, that I’m left here to deal with this on my own - I want to shout at him and tell him to make it all better for everyone.
I agree about talking, it has saved me in those early, hopeless days. I called the Samaritans a couple of times and eventually decided to pay for a counsellor. I knew I needed to when I left my daughter with my friend and decided I was going to end my life - I got there and realised that if I was prepared to die for my daughter (which I am) then I have to be prepared to fight to live for her too. I’ve never been that scared or alone. It’s been a constant fight, but I know I’m never going to chose to leave her the way he chose to leave us. She deserves more.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me, it means so much, and I’m in floods of tears thinking that anyone would care about someone like me. I am so sorry to hear about your husband, are you holding up ok? Sending you a big hug x
@CatP21 you are one of those who I think of when thinking about my new and treasured friends on here. I think of you everyday and wonder over and over how you cope with all you have and it gives me strength to think I should then be able to also keep fighting if you can endure what you are doing every day.
You judge yourself so harshly (very uncalled for in my opinion) but to me you’re an inspiration, all you did was love someone who loved you and now you continue for the love of your daughter. She is very lucky to have you as her mum.
Hearing more of your story breaks my heart but it truly seems to me you were over and over trying to do the right thing, none of this is your fault and I am so sorry you are left feeling like it is… you don’t deserve that.
Also the beautiful poem you gave that I used in my Renés funeral and 20+ people took home with them printed out on the order of service made a real difference in my life and probably some of theirs forever 
I tried to get back to work but couldn’t do it. I don’t know how you do but will think about you when I next give it another go and I will draw strength from that I know. Today I had a Dr appointment and got my first diazepam (like a valium, I didn’t know that). I don’t know if it was talking to the Dr and having my feelings validated or the drugs but right now I feel calm and relatively OK. After some bad days recently and my own epiphany last night where I decided I too will not kill myself it is a real blessing to feel this calmness now.
If you need to go to bed after your big daily duties I think it’s more than fair! I hope you won’t always feel like this (and I don’t expect you will but I don’t know of course). I think one day when you can share with someone you trust in your real life circle it will help a lot too but I can understand that it will take some time, one day you will know the right person and right time I think.
Take care and lots of love xxx
I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling a lot calmer. You deserve a bit (lots!) of respite from the awful pain and suffering that you’ve endured. How are you feeling today? I hope that the calmness has endured and that you’ve been able to have at a good day?
Ive been in the office all day today & I found it really helped to be around people. At first I hated it, but now I like the distraction of other people’s company as it gives my brain a break from the constant over-thinking. I certainly didn’t feel that way at the start, but it has got easier little-by-little. I still hate the long, lonely walk to the car and knowing that I’m on my own, but I am sure that will get easier too. I’ve started to listen to audiobooks whenever I drive anywhere so that my mind is kept busy. It’s something to look forward to on the journey home. When you’re ready, and the time is right, I know you’ll find the strength to go back to work too.
Thank you so much for your message. All we can all do (me more than most) is try and be a better person and learn from our mistakes, I’m definitely trying.
Xx
Just checking in to see how you’re all doing. I don’t visit the forum that often as I have gone from doing nothing to being extremely busy💙
Thank you @CatP21 these last few days have been better than most in my new sh!t life. One of our cats had to go to the vet again yesterday as he was going downhill fast but there was a really understanding vet who gave him some injections and our cat is on the mend today when we went back again so that was such a relief.
I have an appointment at the dr tomorrow for a check-up of the weird symptoms I have been having as the kind doctor thought it was a good idea. When people are kind to me it makes me feel so comforted, things I couldn’t have been bothered with before turn into the highlight of my day, it’s weird but maybe like you say it helps being around people (if they are nice people 
).
I got some of the “death admin” list done today too so that was good, it is slowly going down but still a lot to do.
The audiobooks sound a really good idea. Not one of us is perfect but I definitely don’t think you have more to learn/improve than any other person.
I hope you had a good day and can get some rest and sleep at the end of it. Take care xx
So after being off work for three months I changed jobe role and location. I’ve settled in and started making friends. I’m also taking drum lessons and getting pretty good. I practise a lot. Taking these brave steps is paying off. I have a reason to get up in the morning and starting to feel good about myself💙
That’s amazing! Well done. It can’t have been easy to do that. 
It wasn’t. I’ve really surprised myself💙
Wow @Blue1 that is really good to hear, also encouraging to the rest of us. Drums sounds great, music generally is something I am finding a help but playing it yourself sounds very satisfying, what a good idea and I can’t imagine any of that was easy to start indeed. You’ve just given me a sliver of hope thank you!
How does it go with drums, do you learn exercises or already onto songs? If so do you have any favourites already? Can you twiddle the drumsticks in the air like a rockstar yet ?