It is tough when a family member has dementia and then when you lose someone that you love so much and you have to pretend everything is ok and they are fine. My mum just says to me ‘as long as Gary is ok, that’s alright’ and I think, yes he’s fine in his casket
Oh Nita it’s awful isn’t it 
x
Yes it is, as if life isn’t hard enough for us all, especially at the moment. Don’t know if I can face the future without him but time will tell x
We all said that at some point, I remember googling what’s the easiest way to kill yourself but 11 months down the line I am still here. I lost my Mum then Husband suddenly and unexpectedly three weeks later so if I can keep going so can you even if at the moment it does not feel like you can.
It’s bad enough to lose one loved one but to lose two so close together must be absolutely devastating. I am full of admiration for you. I’ve done the Google thing too, but not been brave enough.
I wont pretend its been easy Nita but like you I have not been brave enough to go down that route so I need to just get on with things, we all do. You will find great support from people on here who are all going through the same & can help you every step of the way.
The thought of ending it all comes up a lot. Yes, it can be very tempting at first, but like all the immediate forms of grief it has to be taken in perspective.
The thought of doing anything like that or any other drastic thing should be shelved until we settle just a little bit. This time next year or even in a few months we can feel so different. Moment to moment thoughts can be so deceiving. We just don’t think clearly and reason and logic go out of the window. We need to give ourselves time. I know!! ‘Time is a healer’. An old cliché that may be true for some but not all. But the saying ‘day to day’ is surely applicable. We have all been going through hell and back, some still are, but the courage shown on this site has helped me a lot. You all have that courage and so do I. The realisation that it is so can help.
Time can be an enemy or a friend, it depends on individual circumstances.
Take care all. John.
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HI, I am so very sorry to hear about the empty space and pain you feel. I too started drinking wine and snacking in the evenings after getting Mum off to sleep,( I lived with her and was her full time carer), because it so distressed me to see her losing her faculties. She passed away this year and still I drink and snack and put on weight because of the trauma of loss and lack of nhs care and support. I had to deal with most of it alone and they cannot blame covid 19 for that! My grief at loss, and anger at how it happened - but needn’t have, makes me seek solace in alcohol and snacking even more. And then the nhs tell us how bad it is for us …as if we didn’t know !! If support was available for mental health, and bereavement issues, then they would not have to deal with the subsequent alcohol or obesity related issues! What you are doing is normal, it gets you through, if you can talk to family or friends and try to have more company then that may help? You are coping as best you can with what life has dealt you, and I hope you are ok, you have a good future out there and a lot to offer others, but take your time and look after yourself. Xx
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Hi Louise, I can totally understand how you feel xx I lost my hubby 5 months ago and Vodka had become a evening friend !?
Don’t get me wrong we both enjoyed a tipple, he his Jameson’s and ginger me my Cody n Diet Coke xx I feel lonely , insecure, heartbroken and emotionally drained and right atm the vodka helps numb those feelings!
I know it’s not the answer however for me at this moment in time it’s the only comfort I have xxx
Do what you feel is right , we will hopefully now when to stop and we are all adults and understand the implications x
Take Care , much love Louise T xx
Hi. Hazeltree. No one should judge or condemn anyone who resorts to drink when in grief. The pain is unbearable and any relief is welcome. It does depend how long we go on drinking. It can become a habit and that’s not good. Also, and we all know, alcohol is a depressant and can have the opposite effect to what we want. I went through a bad time many years ago with depression and I began to drink because it temporarily relieved the depression. But only temporarily. When I was sober it came back again. And there lies the danger. I still enjoy the odd lager but don’t drink as a general rule.
Facing and going through the pain is very very hard, but is still the best way. Medication is similar to alcohol, it relieves some of the pain but should only be short term. Your GP is the best person to decide that.
Take care. Our thoughts are with you. John.
My wife died in September and Alcohol does help a little especially as the evenings and the weekend seem to last forever. However I do also find that the next day after drinking too much is far more depressing than it needs to be. So I try to do some exercise and take the dog for extra long walks to tire myself out with varying degrees of success. The problem is I do not feel strong enough yet to confront my feelings so alcohol helps me to “forget” for a few hours and lets me sleep all the way through. I know its not a solution but it does feel like a good short term fix.
Hi Seanie
Your sad loss is still very new and raw and I hope you don’t let alcohol become your master but it sounds as if your a pretty sensible person and understand that Alcohol can make you feel even worse in the long term. Doing exercise and taking the dog for those long walks sounds just right to me and you are doing the most sensible thing. It is the way I also cope with my grief and it does work, it might take time but you will start to find some enjoyment again with being in the countryside and your walks.
In the early days of my loss I almost wished that I was a drinker and could just drink myself into some sort of oblivion, an escape. But there is no escape from our heartbreak. I am not going to say time heals as I was told. It doesn’t, but it does teach us to cope a little better with each day and to find some acceptance
Take care
xx
Thank you Pattidot. I know there is lots of pain in the post for me and all of us on here. Mine is still an open wound I suppose and I know that sooner or later I will have to put my big boy pants on and face it. I know that day will come and I suppose I am dreading it and maybe the alcohol is just me trying to put things off. We will all get there and can look back with fondness at the person we have lost.
Please please be careful all of you that are drinking
As you know i lost my partner in June to alcohohol i only wish he had talked to me and got the help sooner
Not here to lecture anyone we are all adults just be careful xx
Hi there Seanie
I am a lot longer into this journey than you and I expected that I should be doing a lot better in X amount of months but it really doesn’t work like that. When you are ready to put on your big boy pants you will know it but you will go up and down like a yoyo, it is perfectly natural and slowly we do learn to accept these days and without knowing it the better days will start to appear.
Don’t have too many expectations of yourself, just allow yourself to grieve and your life will slowly come back to you and it will be when you are ready. You are right the good memories do start to come back.
Pat
xx
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I lost my husband very unexpectedly on 6th june and have drank every night since i find it helps me sleep at night and going out with friends drinking on weekends just distracts me from having to deal with the pain and heartbreak