Hello, I stumbled upon this site when looking for connection re grieving my mum. I’m so very sorry to read about the losses in the many posts. I wanted to share and ask a question. My wonderful mum died 6 weeks ago, having caught Covid when admitted to hospital. She had been due to be discharged then couldn’t fight anymore. It was sudden and I’m angry. I’m off work and I don’t know what is reasonable time to be off, I work in mental health and I currently don’t have anything to give. My question is regarding alcohol,since mums death I’m drinking on average, a bottle of wine a night. I’d like to reduce/stop but it helps switch the thoughts off but I know this is not the answer. I’ve had close friends say they did the same when they lost their parents but I’m concerned it won’t stop, I don’t want this to be a new normal but seems it’s the only coping strategy I’m attached to. I’m in the process of complaining to the hospital re lack of care about Covid especially on a respiratory ward. My thoughts are racing. I’m disappointed, that despite knowing I should choose healthy strategies,I’ve fallen into alcohol. I’m embarrassed to tell my GP.
Thank you
Hello @Mimi1975,
I’m really sorry to hear that you are struggling with drinking. We know that grief can be so painful to cope with. But it’s important that you reach out for support with this; you matter and you don’t have to do this alone.
- The NHS website has a guide on getting support with alcohol issues.
- Alcohol Change offers support to people who are experiencing issues with alcohol.
- Drinkline is a free, confidential helpline for people who are concerned about their drinking, or someone else’s. Call 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am–8pm, weekends 11am–4pm)
The Samaritans are also always there for you, day or night, on 116 123.
I’m sure someone will be along to share their experiences - you are not alone in turning to alcohol to cope with grief. You have lost your mum which is a huge, life-changing thing. But it sounds like you recognise it’s becoming a problem for you and want to change things. That’s a really important step, so well done for taking it 
Take good care,
Seaneen
Thank you Seaneen. I’m building up to speaking to my GP but will have a read of the links you mentioned too.
Best,
Mimi
Sorry to hear what your poor mum has been through, its so sad. I work in the nhs as a paramedic and also found it really hard to go back to work as there have been a lot of triggers, my mum also died suddenly and unexpectedly. With regards to timing for work i think everyone is different, i have found returning to work beneficial or returning a sort of normality to life, i guess also if you are working it would probably automatically cut down on the drinking at home. 6 weeks is very early days though. Maybe just try and find other things to occupy yourself rather than drinking. Do you have friends you can visit or chat to?
Hi, yes I have friends and family/children. I just feel stuck as it’s so up and down. I’m trying to start pilates again and have booked a massage. I know it’s a process but I’m so very tired all the time. I don’t feel depressed. I think returning to work would focus mind elsewhere but I think I’m too angry at the moment. X
Thats understable that you are angry, and you are right that now is kot the right time to return to work when you feel like that, especially as with your job people are going to want from you, which would be too much. I think you sound to be doing well, you are pushing forward despite feeling angry, just allow yourself this time. I dont know how long it takes before drinking becomes a problem, again i think its different for each person
Thank you and I’m sorry for the loss of your mum.
I’ve gone to bed without a drink, for the first time in over a week. I did have the urge to just drink to stop the thoughts but decided not to. I need to be more mindful of what triggers the urge to drink more at the moment. I’m glad your new normal, on returning to work, has been helpful especially as you are in a very demanding job.
Hi Mimi1975,
I am ashed to say I did the same. Not a bottle a night but it started to get out of hand as all I wanted to do was knock myself out.
I realised after a few weeks I couldn’t carry on and that if my mum saw me she was being so cross I would see smoke coming out of her ears !!!
What I did was pour myself a tiny bit of wine into a glass and the rest lemonade .So it was weak and that helped Then a light bulb switch moment happened and I realised I was just drowning in my sorrow, not facing up to my responsibilities and I am sure my mum was looking down on me and guiding me to stop. She did hell of a fantastic job bec I stopped and have only had a few glasses of wine during the past 15 months. I hardly drink any now.
You will know when the time is right for you.
I think it was around that time that I found this site so this was my lifeline.
Try to get help from your GP if possible.
And keep posting on here as we are all with you in this horrible grief journey.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Thank you Deborah. I’m sorry for your loss but so pleased the strength from your mum helped you reduce your alcohol. This is very much what I’d like to do as I had not expected such an increase in my drinking.
I was hoping for some sort of grief response that makes me get fit and tidy my house!
It really sucks, this grief thing is hard!
Thank you
X
So sorry Mimi, I just wanted to say hello and that this is normal, I too drank more in the first 3-5 weeks. I am now just into week 7 and taking better care of myself. I also realised the more I drank the less I slept or quality declined at least, then I felt more down, a vicious cycle. Now my husband and I have a bottle of wine between us on the weekend and maybe a g&t here and there and that is it.
Please take care of yourself, we all understand and you need to do what feels right for you to get through the storm, talking to GP helps and mine is checking in with me at some point today.
I have found a Snoozeband (3D one) very good as helps me get off to sleep with peaceful sleep stories and nature sounds (Calm app) so I can wear it all night.
No problem Mimi,
Its very tough going through all this. Set yourself a target to cut the drink down. I always felt worse in teh morning and as I dont usually drink much it hit me worse. I think it didnt help that my husband and son didnt say anything to me as they didnt want to upset me even more. I have told them if it happens again to stop me but I am over all that time now and thankfully have come through it without returning to the wine !!! Drink never solves anything but at the time I didn’t see it like that and to be honest I didnt care.
I love the idea of Sophies about the Snoozeband. I have never heard of it. Do you have a link Sophie for it ? I would love to try it.
How are you today?
Deborah x
It has saved me and I would not be without it’s comfort, good for guided meditation in the day when I need to calm myself too.
Sorry not sure if you were asking me but I would say 5 out of 10, yesterday was 4 out of 10 so better than yesterday I guess
Thanks for sending that bec i will try it. Yes I was asking the both of you
Keep going and just plan for each day . No further as its too painful.
Deborah x
I use the snoozeband too, but mine was quite cheap so have a look round. I listen to audible books and find them a real distraction at bedtime i can set a sleep timer of 30 mins. I also listen to sleep meditation on you tube. But even during the day i put my earphones in and listen to my book just as a distraction and to keep my mind occupied
@Mimi1975 I hear what youre going through. I had to take the care home to task for their neglect and its only just finished 18 months after losing mum. Every chat, email, zoom call I had to relive every moment of mums final year in care. It was like ripping a plaster off everytime.
You’re braver than most as you’ve identified that you might be developing an issue. I would definitely go see your GP, I did and it saved me going down a path that wasnt good for me.
Fingers crossed you find a solution with the hospital x
Thank you, I have the mindspave app and some headband earphones…I’ll dig them out.
I managed to go for a Thai massage yesterday and another night off the booze and slept much better.
I appreciate your reply and sharing your experience x
I have audible but I listen to a lot of serious or crime stuff so I may need lighter listens 
. I do listen to a lot of rain/thunder which I like.
Thank you for your reply x
Hi Paul, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. It’s hard enough without navigating poor care. I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m trying to go three days a week without a drink, so I will have one this evening with dinner and then none tomorrow. Hopefully GP is calling me tomorrow and I will mention it but I’m worried I’ll be labelled and alcoholic. My dad is a long-term recovered alcoholic and I’m incredibly proud of him for not drinking despite grieving for his wife of 53 years. Im gutted my teen daughter suggested I was an alcoholic (she doesn’t know about her grandads history)… maybe it’s a wake up call.
I’ve drafted my complaint to Pals and will need to get my act together to carry my complaint through. Thank you for sharing your experience and replying to me x
solidarity! I also like a fan…