Exactly Mark. I was never a big drinker, so for me, 2 or 3 times a week is huge. Have seemed to find it harder now than before and dont understand why. Have cut it down to twice a week. To be fair, thats still out of character for me, but am trying, and learning,and hopefully evolving, in my own way. Hope u come through this awful process with hope.x
Awe, thank u Geoff. A truer word was never spoke.
Exactly Bristles. Speaking about hpw we cope is not something that anyone wants to speak about.
Yes Daisy-janet. I understand what ur saying. Thankfully, i have an understanding husband, who always supports me. Its crazy, cause im not, and never was, a big drinker. 2 or 3 drinks and im asleep,lol. But i want to address thos issue, as it is something that I noticed in my own life. Therefore, I defo think its something that others are facing too.
I noticed my drinking picked up a gear with my dad on end of life, I decided alcohol wasnāt the answer and like cigarettes gave up. Some people can just set a day of the week, I wasnāt one of them once I start in couldnāt stop some ultimately I chose to stop. With counselling and sheer will power, decided enough is enough, write down the 2 sides with alcohol and without. Maybe put on a sticky pad/slips around the house what are the benefits ie not feeling sick cold symptoms. More money, better self esteem, losing relationship just to name a few. I look at a jar filling up every time instead of buying alcohol I am putting away for a item for my flat.
1 Like
I think itās good that we can speak about how we cope (or donāt) as hopefully someone can either relate to it, find comfort or at the very least know that we can come through the biggest challenge of life after loss. Total negativity though for me is something I cannot and will not ever relate toā¦if I felt it it would remain within me. I lost the most wonderful man, 49 years and wanted moreā¦donāt we allā¦but I owe it to him to use the independence he encouraged to find my way with the certainty that at lifeās end he will be there. Until then Iāll take care of myself and be sensible in my choice of friends, adventures and healthā¦17 months on, my man is proud of the woman I am, just sometimes I need to be as well. You all need to be too. Every day is a day that life has given you, cherish it.
2 Likes
Thank you SanW. I really needed to read that. I absolutely agree with you. I too want my man to be proud of me and I will make damn sure he is. My husband was here one minute, fit and healthy, the next minute gone. That could happen to any one of us so I do cherish life. He loved life and so do I, so now I must live mine for the both of us. I miss him like hell but I will do this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are an inspiration my lovely friend xx
1 Like
Hi. Kate. Well that faint light just got a little brighter with your post and CW. This is such a heavy biurden to bear, but posts like yours can do nothing but uplift so many.
Life is given to us the reason for which we may not know yet, but we will.
I am sure that yoiur loved ones will be very proud of theway you feel. Of course, none of us feel like jumpingthrough hoops yest. It may or may not happen,
Page jumped again.
I still feel that my wife would have wanted me to soldier on and I will.
Thanks again for such uplifting posts. Blessings.
I love your post SanW you speak so much sense. I SO WISH I could get negativity out of my life. I do have so much to live for lovely family who live nearby . I usually see each of them once a week so I should count my blessings but I just canāt.My husband was wonderful he was always cheerful whatever was going on in his life & heart so why am I so unhappy all the time? I thought I should have learnt to emulate him but I just canāt. When I am with my family I laugh & enjoy their company & enjoy myself & they all think I am ok but I am not.
I think maybe I need some help in the way of antidepressant people tell me that when you are on them it dulls everything & you donāt feel anxious or bothered about anything. I think thatās how I would like to feel. How do I know if Iām depressed ? I just donāt want to feel so sorry for myself. I donāt cry all the time but am crying inside.
How can I feel more positive & not so negative all the time.
I know my husband would be very sad if he could see how I am so I want to try . Any help anyone can give I will be so grateful.
Thankyou, SanW, Kate and Jonathan. You never fail to pick me up although I havenāt had a too bad day today, I must admit. So perhaps I have seen a āglimmerā.
I am looking for that light everyday and trying hard to find a meaning in life again. I too donāt like negativity (as far as Iām concerned) and hope to find a life again.
My heart is broken. I cry the same tears daily, I am suffering but I too am not going to give in to the Grief Monster.
I want to like myself again and that is my goal.
Iām afraid I canāt agree with the use of medication. We are not depressed and if the drugs numb the pain for a short while it will still be there afterwards. Thereās no quick fix, no drug that can take away the pain we have to come through it.
I donāt drink and never have so I canāt really comment on that subject but have never felt the need even at this time.
Pat
1 Like
Thank you Pat x
Unhappy 127, everyone is on this journey here and weāre all from different backgrounds before bereavement I am on anti depressants I tried without them having counselling from Sue Ryder online which was beneficial but I couldnāt move it on from the grief, itās still difficult and i do have struggles but after talking to my counsellor they advised me it was more than just a normal grief reaction has should see a Dr and I donāt regret it I need the drugs for just now combined with counselling I will also start keeping a journal, I wish you a way forward that works for you
Dear Pat, I agree with you regards medication. Of course weāre not depressed, weāre grieving and there is a definite difference. Yes, it hurts like hell, physically, emotionally and mentally and thereās not a pill in the world that can take our pain away. Even if medicine or alcohol numb it for a while, it will still be there. Iām afraid itās ours to bear. We can do this, we will do this. It may not be the life we chose but weāre stuck with it and logic dictates that we canāt do anything about it therefore I will live my life as best I can and carry my husband in my heart always. I make it sound so easy but we all know it isnāt. Iām more than 2 years down the line now and I want to offer hope to all. I have my coping strategies and mostly they work for me. I know I will grieve for the rest of my life and I accept that. I think thatās key - acceptance. Much love xx
1 Like
Kate I do so agree with everything you say. I too feel I must learn to live with this terrible pain for me to eventually learn to accept and find some peace and be able to have Brian in my heart with lovely memories and not so much pain. I too think I will be grieving for the rest of my life but I am searching for my own way of coping and one that is helping me is to accept the tears as a token of my love for Brian and it is his way of letting me know heās there with me. If we donāt cry we have forgotten.
I donāt want my pain to be numbed by drugs as itās not going to help in the long term but everyone will do what they want.
Take care Pat xxx
Do please be careful, these drugs can have long lasting side effects that could well make things worse in the long run. I have known people that have not been able to come off them and it has been a long term situation for them to be able to stop taking them. The dangers was highlighted in a newspaper recently, so do look into this method with care.
There are Natural ways that might help. However I do accept that we all have to find our own way through this nightmare.
Best of luck to you
Pat, I remember thinking in the early days of my grief, that I never wanted the pain to go away. I thought if the pain went then so would my husband and I would be over him. Of course that could never happen, I know that now. I am more experienced in grief now and I realise that even though the pain has numbed somewhat my love for my husband is still as strong as ever and continues to grow. I think grief progresses in a very similar way to love. Grief has become a part of me, of who I am. Love me, love my grief! Itās like a pet. Like a puppy dog, it follows you around. It needs to be fed and nourished. Grief needs to be exercised, you canāt just shut it away. Grief needs attention, it needs stimulation. Grief also needs rest. Yes, it is definitely a part of who I am now. I might be the same person but I feel different. But know this everyone - I am married to a wonderful man, he chose me and I wonāt let him down. Xxxx
2 Likes
Hello Kate Thank you for your lovely message on here. I feel just like you I was married 50years when I lost my lovely Ron. We always used to say when one of us go we are still married, he didn"t go off with another woman! I still love him and will always will in fact the saying goes absence makes the heart grow fonder and oh boy does it. Love and hugs Carol. x
My goodness you two, Kate and Pat. Your posts have to be an inspiration to us all. Thank you.
Medication is a tricky subject. I know the āfix allā remedy these dayās is antidepressants, but if you are not depressed then obviously you donāt need them. Your GP is the best person to recognise depression.
Medication is so often necessary to prevent harming oneself. Self harm often follows emotional problems, especially with younger people. Itās a complicated problem but does happen.
Depression, like bereavement has to be experienced to understand. But I entirely agree, if it can be avoided then good.
Yes Kate, love never ceases. It canāt. No one can ever make love disappear or diminish, death certainly canāt do it. If it can be put aside or given up on then itās not love.
I doubt anyone would be on this site unless they had experienced true love. It comes through in every post.
Kate, I love the way you describe grief. Itās so true. It does follow us around like a puppy dog. We have to be kind to ourselves, love one another and give hope where possible and support where itās not.
Now take care. The site would not be the same without you both. Hugs.
2 Likes
Kate, I just love your way of describing grief, you are so right. Everything I do these days I have that grief following me around, BUT I am learning to live with it and while I have it with me then I have Brian firmly attached to me also.
I would love to know what he thinks of that, as I was the one that couldnāt keep still and he loved his peace and quiet and relaxation time.!!!
My dogs, walking and looking after my allotments/garden is my medication and therapy. I donāt want to have my senses dulled, I want to be alert and alive and able to enjoy the things that give me comfort. I will feel my grief and live with it also.
Pat xx
2 Likes