Alive but not living

Every night I beg her to come to me in my dreams, to touch her, to see her, to hear her. The only peace I have is when I sleep, that’s where I am free from conscious thought.
To exist in this world, a world so vast and empty and barren and meaningless without her is the most cruel form of torture.
And yet here I am.
I sit and sit and sit
Wanting the freedom sleep brings but also fearful this will be another night she doesn’t visit my dreams, another night she moves further from me as I sleep into another day, another day she cannot occupy.
Another day I am alive but no longer living.

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I totally feel your pain my son died 2 years ago and it’s getting harder instead of easier,I was numb for nearly a year then I thought he wouldn’t want me to be like this so I started grief counselling and started trying to get back to life, everyday is a struggle but I live in his memory now , sending hugs

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I feel the pain, will be 12 months in March I lost my son, feels like yesterday. I’m trying to re group but it’s so hard. Unless you are in this situation no one has a clue, they think they do but they definitely don’t

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Its a year today since i lost my son , the pain of losing him is too much to cope with , i can’t grieve , can’t except he has gone , and don’t want it too be real will i ever know peace again

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@scoobysuzy my thoughts are with you on the anniversary of your sons passing. I’ve just had the same anniversary and I relived those last days over again. I don’t think I will ever get over it and I’m happy with that, my beautiful boy was loved so much. I recognise I need to be more active in this life I have and that my other sons need me but in my heart I will always grieve his loss. We are all different and grieve differently.

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It’s almost 6 months.
6 months of this life, each day equally as painful as the day before.
I am dreading the next 6months.
I look for relief, it doesn’t come. My mind races, try this, try that, go here, go there, go home, she’ll be there…
People say it doesn’t get easier but you learn to live with your grief, I think it’s the grief living with me, my jailer holding me captive.

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Thank you , i am sorry for your loss , the pain is so physical there is a feeling of waiting for something to happen all the time , i don’t know what , yesterday i couldn’t speak to anyone just day by day now , its good you have your other sons who need you still , i only had the one child , i am just broken

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Hi Scoobysuzy just reading your text whereby you say"Waiting for something to happen" Thats exactly how I feel.Time is no healer.I am a widow of 13 years and our only child our son died 2 years ago next month.My grief is unbearable at times.I feel as time passes I am getting further and further away from my boy and the thought of however many years ahead I have without him is horrendous.I try not to say too much about it now to anybody because there is nothing anybody can say to help plus I think they may be"bored" hearing about it.They are my words.Thats why this forum is so good we can say how we feel to people who understand. My love and hugs to you xxx

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Hi Marg1 , thank you for your reply , life seems to much to deal with most days and i feel like i am just barely hanging on , i can hear my son telling me to keep going , its just so sad not hearing his voice , people try and say the right thing but it doesn’t help , i cope better not talking to anyone and live in my self imposed bubble , its not the right thing to do but for now it works for me , take care of yourself xx

I think we get hurt by the things people say or don’t say. They can’t win really. So we do exactly that, isolate ourselves so we can’t be hurt by people’s insensitivities.
It’s a very lonely place to live.

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I e completely isolated myself. Like you say it’s easier and others don’t have a clue. They say they do but how can they🤷‍♀️…idiots I think to be honest xx

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Hi MoBe , yes they can’t win as daily my moods change from being able to put up with the " how are you feeling " question , to how the hell do you think im feeling , my husband is my rock and i honestly don’t think i would be here without him , he just says deal with each day as it comes in any way you want too , there’s no right or wrong and grief is different for everyone

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It’s great you have your husband, he is totally right and like you say, each day is different. All equally painful.
I think we all retreat into ourselves, partly because no one can say any words to ease our pain, but also as @Marg1 said, we’re worried other people are bored of listening and think we should be moving on. I’m starting to feel that from my sister and she’s one of the three people I thought would hold me up.

I lost my grandson in a car accident in October. My daughter feels exactly the same as you. She longs for him to talk to her and tell her that he is ok. She puts hundreds of pictures and videos on fb to keep his memory alive. I don’t think she will be able to work again in the supermarket they both worked in as she visualises him walking up the aisles. He will always be in our memories and I for one, cannot believe this has happened.

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My love hugs and thoughts to you and your daughter.Its heartbreaking it really is the rest of our lives without them xxxx

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I heard the second year is worse than the first and that terrifies me. I understand why it might be, you’re further away from them, there’s less of them to focus on, others are forgetting them. Today is a bad day.
Every day is a bad day just some are exceptionally bad, this is one. Had one yesterday too. I knew it was going to be bad when I woke up remembering what it was like to hold her, to snuggle into her back when we were lying in bed. The feel of her soft skin, the smell of her, the soft baby down hair on her head following treatment.
I just miss her so much I want to curl up and die.
I JUST MISS HER.

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MoBe, don’t even start thinking that far ahead, just try to focus on one day at a time. The thought terrifies me, but I only deal with the day I am on. I fully how much you miss your daughter, like I do my son. I write my journal daily and think it will always be part of my life. Little steps for us all

Thank you @MJG you are always there, I have tried a journal but I can’t do it often as I end up sobbing. I am scared of the pain. I don’t do anything that causes pain which is why I’m so trapped. I occupy such a small lonely space now. It’s just me and my other daughter, 2 coffee shops, 3 supermarkets and M&S Foodhall…my entire world. I can’t face anywhere else, too many memories too much pain. I’m trying to build up the courage to have my hair cut, it’s been almost a year but I’m scared I’ll cry. I used to go with my daughter. The hairdresser cut her hair off ready for treatment. So much pain in everything i do, everywhere I am.

I think the second year is definitely worse,my son passed 2 years ago in Nov and I’d say I grieve more now,I cry more but I take each day at a time and never feel bad when I break down,every one is different so please just know your not alone and we are thinking of you

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I just started my second year and I’m hurting a lot still. I worry that he realised he was dying when he crashed, they took him off the ventilator for a good while and were bagging him so I’m worried he came off the sedative in the mayhem and knew he was dying. That thought breaks my heart even more, if that’s possible.

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