Almost 2 Years and Still not Ok

The title says it all really. I lost my husband and best friend Brian on 12th March 2019 and I still feel completely adrift while everyone else in my life has moved on. Of course he wasn’t their world so I get that but it is the fact that no one ever asks how I am doing now as if the fact it has been almost 2 years makes it better. Worse still are the friends and family who I have told I’m not ok and they just give platitudes like ‘You’ll be ok in time’. I need some real practical advice from people who have been/ are in my shoes as I have no one in real life who has been through what I have, so they just don’t understand. I always feel like no one knows what to ‘do’ with me now. I’m now a round peg and don’t fit into the square hole that I used to and that everyone around me is used to me fitting in. Please tell me this gets easier and that I’ll be ok, because at the moment I can’t see an end to sobbing, heartbreak and just missing him.

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Hi Jenny,
Everything you say is how I feel really. It’s been nearly fourteen months since I lost my husband and it feels like he doesn’t exist anymore, as in people don’t talk about him and expect me to be ok now, if I do mention I’m feeling down and missing him it’s, - you’ll be ok, or times a healer, life will get better :roll_eyes:
I also feel like I don’t fit anywhere, everyone has their lives and I don’t fit in anywhere anymore, feel like a third wheel.
So I do understand how you feel, Christmas has certainly made the feelings worse , I don’t want to be someone who others think- oh we’ll invite her as she’s on her own.
All I can say is I know how you feel .

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Dear Jenny,

I am sorry I don’t have any advice because my heart is as broken as 11 weeks ago when I lost my lifelong partner…

I still have two to three friends who don’t mind talking about him, I hope they won’t stop… I think you’ve come to the right place to talk about your husband if you want to, there’s no exact timeframe for our healing process.

I hear you that our lives without our loved ones are so alien to us. Sometimes I feel guilty to eat and be alive.

Have you tried support group before? Obviously it’s impossible to have any face-to-face meeting now because of the virus. But the idea is appealing to me, meeting people who have walked our walk…

Sending you some virtual hugs. Xxx

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Have you had counselling from Sue Ryder? I am finding it very beneficial. My husband died 7 months ago. I have made a point of telling friends that I want to hear them talk about their partners, even to moan about them as let’s face it we all do, and that I will always talk about Gerry. I think there seems to be an expectation that things will improve for us after the first year, when I’ve heard from a few people that the second year is no better. Unless they have lost the love of their life, people really cannot understand. Take care all xx

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It now feels like an existence rather than a life. Dont get me wrong I am fortunate I have family around me but am only 6 months in and was hopefull for at least a day of peace somewhere further on but reading your posts seems this is the new norm. What a poxy way to be.
Christmas my first was soo tinged with sadness.
I am constantly puffing my cheeks I look like a bloody blow fish. Just to stop the tears whilst in company. Better to seem okay than to cause them worry.
This life certainly sucks sometimes.
I just live in hope for better days.
I just want some peace

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Dear Jenny.
I asked a fellow widow once , “Does it get better ?” She said not better but different. My Steve died April 2019. I miss him terribly not an hour goes by with us thought about him., I go to the crematorium and lay flowers on special days, I take a soft toy to bed to cuddle, it’s a lonely life. I chat to friends and they tell me of the walks, meals etc they they have had with their partner. Unfortunately this just exacerbates the loneliness I feel. I am certainly not ‘ better’. Covid has not helped as I planned to have holidays, but all cancelled. It’s Boxing Day and I am alone. The different is me realising that I will always be alone. It’s been a rotten year for those on their own, we can only hope 2021 is better. Xx

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Hi all i feel for every one 9 months for my husband passing i cant understand our friends not speaking about him or as Jenny said we don’t fit in anymore or what Stephtim stated if we are invited any where its because they feel sorry for us. I don’t have the answers for when it will get easier but my mother always tells me its a different life we lead just need the pain to go away. I hope every one got through Christmas as best as they could. Love to all

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Hi jenny I feel just the same I have perfected my happy face but inside I miss my wife so much and feel out of place as the kids seem to have moved on I cannot see me ever feeling any differently

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Hi its 5 months since my husband passed and I can relate to every word and just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts/feelings as it makes you realise what you are feeling is how others are in your position.
My heart is completely broken and I am so lost without him and it is true unless you have lost the love of your life you can’t understand the heartache and emptiness. I am lucky I have two daughters who have been amazing helping me when they are so heartbroken and a couple of good friends but and this sounds so ungrateful but all I want is him to come back and that’s the hardest bit closing the door when they go home, thats my breakdown point because Im on my own and I know I have to do it but its so hard,
Take care x

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Dear Jenny88,

I had decided to leave this forum because of all the problems with the site, but I always pop into read peoples comments.

I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through. I lost my husband of 47 years, six years ago and believe you me, you never, ever get over it, you learn to live with what has happened but there is and always will be that big hole inside your body that never heals, there is always someone missing. All our family have moved on with their lives and people ask me how I am doing and I just say, I am okay thank you because at the end of the day, other people have problems in their own families that we know nothing about. I have found out in the last six years that acquaintances who I hardly ever see have lost brothers, sisters, parents etc. etc. some have even lost their children. I think we tend to think we are the only people on this earth who has ever gone through this heartache but we are not.

I found out that a friends husband, who we knew from the day we got married in 1967, is dying of cancer and I feel so terribly sorry for what she is facing, I would not wish this on anyone.

We can see for ourselves from reading the posts on these forums that heartbreak is not just about us, so many people are going through the same thing and it is just a matter of getting through each day as best we can. We will never get over losing our soulmate, it is impossible, but we do carry on as painful as it is.

I will be honest, I still shed tears for my Peter, sometimes I am crying because I feel sorry for myself but many times I am crying for what Peter has missed and is missing. I think about him every single day, I still have his ashes which are waiting for me then our ashes will be scattered together, I always say goodnight love and good morning love to him every single day, there is always a vase of flowers next to his ashes and he always gets the first rose of summer next to his photo.

This is something we have to live with but remember, we are not alone, so many people in the world have lost someone they love, this forum was a godsend to me when I first lost my Peter, I found it a couple of years after he died and it was such a comfort to me knowing I was not alone in my grief. One of these days we will meet our loved ones again but until then, we carry on as best we can.

Please take care.

Love
Sheila.xx

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Hi Jenny
I had to reply to your Topic as I am also two years on and my husband was also named Brian.
Please read and take in what ‘Lonely’ (Sheila) has written because everything she is telling you is so true.
Like Sheila I still have the tears and think about him every day but I have learned to live my life, to do things that I enjoy and to smile again even though I also have that big hole. I think of my heart as having shattered and slowly the pieces are repairing themselves but it will never be the same.
Not fitting in !!! I can relate to that. I just don’t feel like me anymore but I am working on it and slowly I can see bits of me returning.
How we heal is up to the individual, there is no set way and of course your going to miss him so if you feel the need for a good cry then do so. I certainly do as I know he is worth my tears.

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HI Sheila
So good to hear from you and when you write posts like this which are from the heart then this is why we can’t lose members like you.
God Bless
Pat
xxx

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Dear Pat,

Thank you so much for what you have said, it is really appreciated.

When I read Jenny’s post, I felt as if I had to reply to her as so many people think that as the years go by everything will return to normal but it never does and never will. No matter how long we live, there will always be this hurt deep inside for what used to be. I still love my Peter and want him back so much but I know it will never happen, so until we meet again I will carry on, keeping him in my heart and mind.

Please keep safe and take care of yourself.

Lots of love,

Sheila.xx

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Dear Jenny,
My wife died in februari 2019.
Still very sad i didn’t want to live any more but my 2 girls supported me . Very slowly there are days I feel less sad. Hope very much you’r able to see sunshine again and veel better and less sad.
Hearthly Greetings from Ben.
Holland, the Netherlands

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Hi Jenny,
I’m so sorry to read you are struggling after 2 years. I lost my husband on 25th November. It’s will be 5 weeks tomorrow at 14:20. I have spent Christmas alone due to restrictions and my daughter living north of the border. Living in a house surrounded by Jonathan’s things is very difficult and I cry a lot. I do hope that time will heal and I will be able to look at all his lovely things and remember the good times and all the lovely memories at some point in the future. At the moment I just feel sick and churned up daily. No appetite and no interest in doing anything. Covid has made things so much worse as I can’t go to my mums and aunts for a cuppa. I’ve just moved to our new home on 8th October, I have wonderful neighbours but still feel very much alone.
I hope time will heal us both.
Wishing you strength.
Gillian. X

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Hi Jenny, l do know exactly how you feel and sadly only people in our position understand. The heartache, loneliness and wishing they could just walk through the door and give us a hug will never leave us. It doesn’t get easier but we learn to live with it. Stay strong, hold onto your memories and when you see friends and family talk about your partner especially the fun times you had. Take care and look after yourself x

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I lost my husband 4 years ten months ago and I believe the pain just lies in wait. You can be walking along and wham a thought happy or sad and the tears flow. Life changed for me and I just put on a face to get through. Family are amazing but when you close the door your back on your own. Christmas and New Year highlight the feelings. I am also grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life. Just offloading and putting down in words how I am feeling today.

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Hi Jenny,

I am exactly feeling the same. I lost my lovely husban nearly 8 months ago and can not bear thinking of myself without him years coming, being alone.

Yes from now on i will be lonely and sad. I am grateful have a son. Trying to occuopy myself but i can not concentrate on anything. Looking around me if anyone had the same or similar experience. How shall i get better i do not think I will ever just I will be pretend feeling better.

Lost my soulmate, my half. I lost myself as well.
I do not want to let him down because he never let me down i still need to kerp trying but so hard bloody hard
.

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And i am so angry with life

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Jenny, You are clearly so young to have lost your beloved and probably your soul mate,. although in fact it does not matter at what age. The later the longer people were together. And that has its own agony. I am like one of those who have answered, it is is years since John died. But it has it’s own agony and my heart goes out to you. You are quite right, No one understands or knows what to say unless they have been through it. Of course you desperately need a hug too. I see you have wonderful answers,. This forum is really good but I know not the same as having a good friend by you confide in who would really care and be there for you. I have longed for that. I’ve good friends but could not say hating. But even you appealed to be told told not will improve which somehow feels different to being told that all the time. Do you find people love your happy face when you manage it or when you seem strong. WE’ve been cut in half darn it and however lucky we are that is how it feels.

One problem I think is you are bound to feel that it is he you now need to get you through and the one person who would understand is not anywhere.

I am 83 and it is 6 years go and it still hurts sometimes and I still feel lost. I think grief comes and goes.

But as you are young what to joke is one of the most important things to get you go, which now I lack, is PUPOSE, to feel there is a point in you being here and that you are useful. That I do hope you find.

Someone said it does not go away it changes and I think that is true.
He will always be there for you butvtyhe she of your grief will change.

Wishing you love in your life and hugs when it is possible.

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