Barb26, thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry you are also going through this, its such a relief to be able to speak to others who understand the pain and devastation losing a partner brings (like your daughter our daughters have been my lifeline but they are heartbroken and I try to hide my pain to protect them, doesn’t matter how old they are we still do anything for out children don’t we) My husbands passing was sudden and very unexpected and as well as grieving we are also still in shock, the hole in our lives is unbearable, he was our rock and was always there for us…the saying life can change in a heartbeat is so true and I know my life will never be the same again.
Take care and Im always here if I can help or you need to talk x
Barb u sound lovely. Nothing thks the pain away. Keep in touch 
So true thank you, 3 years for me 
My husband passed on the 25th November 2017 still miss him terribly, it’s like a new life that I don’t particularly like, but hey ho have to carry on for the sake of my daughters and granddaughter’s xx
Hello Jenny,
I first posted on this site a very short while ago because after over three years , the pain of loosing my wife of 47 years just will not go away.
There is no time limit on grief, everyone is different and in truth it never really does go away.
People who say that ‘time heals’ do not know what we are going through, We are individuals.
For me, I am just at the stage where, in the company of family and friends, I can celebrate her life and not mourn her death, that is something I do in private.
I am so sad for you and I hope that you find a little peace soon.
The only advice I can give is that you should always talk about him, even if in future you meet someone new. Never forget that our lost love ones are responsible in part for who we are today.
I wish you peace,
Bob.
Hi Jenny, I lost my husband two years ago (December 2018) and I feel just like you. I had thought it would get better but I feel it hasn’t so far. Yes, friends and family say ‘get a pet’, ‘work in a charity shop’, ‘find a hobby’ but nobody, but nobody knows how you really feel. I have a son who helps so much with practical things (hubby was so good with everything until a couple of years before his death) but it makes me feel so needy. My daughter was so close to her dad, but through covid has not been able to see me much (although she rings at least once a day). Sadly, a few days ago, my son lost his father-in-law very suddenly, so he needs to be there for his wife, so I don’t want to add to anything. I feel like I’m not supposed to feel like this anymore, but I do. I end up in tears at the least little thing and feel my family will soon be getting fed up of me. I am hoping (as I guess you are) to pick up soon, but grief is so personal - I was married at 18 and was with my hubby through 46 years of marriage, so it is not easy at all. I feel this new year I will try my best to feel a bit better, but these things cannot be forced, so please let yourself grieve for a while longer.
Jenny, believe me, I know exactly how you’re feeling. I lost my husband of 35 years very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January 2019. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t miss him or wonder Why? - as do my son and daughter, I’m lucky in that they’re still at home.
Last year I threw myself into as many activities as I could which helped in a way and probably still would. The grief still floors me sometimes, talking things through with a couple of understanding friends helps. We do laugh too about our memories and as a family, we’ve continued to celebrate birthdays and anniversaries because … why not, somehow it helps.
At the same time, I’ve been staggered by how unfeeling some people are, often the ones who should be on your side through this, solicitors, banks etc. And someone who I thought of as a good friend has just dropped me - clearly my judgement was off, her loss though.
I don’t know if this ramble of mine has helped at all but nearly two years on I’m coping as I’m sure you are too. I’m probably stronger but I don’t imagine the pain will ever go away, maybe we just get more used to it?
Dear lonely,
I was relieved to read your message just now because I feel so similar to you and my soulmate died six years ago. I have not wanted to say that because so many people want to believe they will be through it long before now. I think the truth is one is never over it though we, but we can be very positive on so many levels and I know how lucky I am. We had 49 years just missed 50 and that has its own difficulty, since that is most of a life and they did so much for us and suddenly quite late in life, when we re not so strong, we have to do everything ourselves and so much we know nothing about and have to learn, the business, car, moving house, garden, lifting heavy things etc etc. let alone ice illness.
I do think it helps enormously if we can be useful somewhere to someone. I always thought of life as service up to a point and there was always a way to be to be of value. Without that life seems so pointless and it makes me personally feel useless. Now everyone does things for me and living in Devon there is a dearth of volunteer avenues, which are always oversubscribed. I have tried to offer and for some reason it doesn’t come off. I have tried to find access to supporting old people who are lonely etc. I was only offered a job cleaning, finally learnt that just to be myself and wait for the odd chance is the only way!
You are quite right, so many people have their losses to deal with. But we don’t share those feelings in the UK and I felt so sad for one old man on the radio who said he lives with his mouth shut, totally isolated with his feelings because no-one wants to know about his pain. That was my experience from the beginning, that people love ones positive face and it can’t always feel like that. I long at times to be able to say, “I hurt so” and have a big hug, but wouldn’t think of it. I think countries where mourning together is part of the culture do a valuable job.
The loneliness of course is a deep one and we have so many reasons for feeling we should be over it, or have felt long ago…
John was the most wonderful person to live with and I was so lucky to find my soulmate.
By the way I also felt I should leave the forum because I feel other people are better at knowing what is needed and how to say it, as it all goes back too far for me. I also come back on and off.
Jenny is SO young and I see wonderful replies to her first message. She has clearly touched so many people.
Anyway I hear you and do feel you have a lovely outlook.
Hi Jenny.My name is Jeanette and I lost my husband in April 2019. I also still find Christmas, New Year and other anniversaries really hard because I miss his company so much.But I have to give myself a good talking to and think about how lucky I am to have my health,lovely family and friends and a rescue cat called Manuel which I acquired last April and his gorgeous. I have been on this site since just after my husband passed and I have found it such a help to speak to people in the same position as myself.I am here Jenny if you want to chat.x
Oh goodness Sheila almost every word you write relates to me, even being 20 in my head. But I’m 83!!! I still do African/ Latin dance which is what we have here, by zoom now!
WE were in fact 48 years married. My father was killed in North Africa aged 35 and I was 5. John’s father was killed at the same age north of Singapore and he ws the same age as me, so we even had that in common, two sad mother’s I carried my mother’s grief and she never got over it, but said in old age, ‘It doesn’t get better, it gets worse.’ That was sad, but hard to live with. Then I lost our babies in utero, 4 from full term down. Our lovely children are adopted.
But I do find that warmth from others really does go in and feed my heart. Mother could never do that, she never got enough whatever we did. I think we understand better these days.
Anyway lovely to hear from you. Do you have an animal?
As you say the loneliness may be in spite of loving friends and family, so deep-inside, it is part of my being. However, I have a gift which is the confidence I am looked after by him. I wonder if you do. If I need someone or something urgently maybe, as when with the car on a dark lonely night, no cars, no moon, I crossed the road in my car (still exhausted by my move) and ended up very gently coasting into a ditch! Instantly there was a van which had in fact maybe been behind me and out of which walked a lovely young man who came over and said, not “What the heck are you doing over there” but “You look a bit stuck there. Where are you going?” “Home” I replied, “to Hartland.” which was about 10 mins away. And within 15 minutes I was back at home as if nothing had happened! That was so typical and happens without fail. I spend my life saying “Thank you”!
Antoinette. You have the same name as my dear friend who is Egyptian and is like a sister to me. I was once in love with her husband’s brother who was Italian and so handsome. But then I met my lifelong love Ronnie and I never regretted it. I am so glad that Antoinette remained my friend and she has helped me so much in my grief. So lovely to ‘meet’ someone who has the same name.x
we care. keep talking. maybe try to find some online counseling session via zoom?
I have not done it either. so who I am I to talk. I find music helps me. but its always been my go to, dance as terrible as I am, it helps. My wife died 5 months ago, and already my so called family has long since moved on but 1 sister, she calls once a week. Not enough, but you feel like you bugging them. So we all get it.
I read this book and it was the best of the bunch. for me. no easy answers, but knowing millions suffer with me helps.
The jokes over, You can come back now.
Laurie Burrows Grad is author.
it helped me
reach out on social media, you be surprised I know their is a twitter group I am in for grief, let me got look.
DealingWithMyGrief
@DealWithGrief
keep posting. hugs
Anglejo, Goodness, How lovely! I have only met two Antoinette’s in my life! I met one at a fair when we were about 10. We both had long thick plaits and I suppose became friends because of our names. I was fair but my maiden name was Galletti and my father was part Italian, though very British and a British army officer. But he was brought up speaking only Italian till he was 5. I am so glad your Antoinette has been a good support to you. Fancy her being Egyptian. I always wondered what was wrong with the name. Do ask her if it is widespread in Egypt. [quote=“Angiejo1, post:35, topic:33815, full:true”]
Antoinette. You have the same name as my dear friend who is Egyptian and is like a sister to me. I was once in love with her husband’s brother who was Italian and so handsome. But then I met my lifelong love Ronnie and I never regretted it. I am so glad that Antoinette remained my friend and she has helped me so much in my grief. So lovely to ‘meet’ someone who has the same name.x
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Lonely,
It strikes me your title says what you are not saying that inside you, you feel deeply lonely because Peterc just isn’;t there and we have to be allowed to say it. We can have loving friends and family but it is there at core. And we know gtht we are ll finally alone.
But your household when he was there sounds like my idea of heaven! I alweys wanted a German Shepherd dog! I came to John with two Golden Retrievers and had
four over the years, a Doberman cats plus its and a cow, two ponies, chickens, Call ducks. Aylsburys I held 12 animale to be put down and mostly it was a privilege, but it got harder. Now I just have one cat left.
Then of course children, rich lives.
Asyou sy tre gret arte and I wish you gentle 2021. All
of us . Antoinette
Lonely,
I’m bcd just to sy one thing. That was a long haul, 6 months in hospital to save your baby. I’m so glad it survived. They were not kind I found in those days at least not if your was not surviving.
This year is the first I have not found it hard to move a year on. I’ve always felt like you about it and hated it putting another year between me and John. But change can come! And I forgot two large flop eared rabbits, one after the other, fabulous!
Ax
Hi Jenny 88. Your words just replicate my exact feelings, I keep looking for books about people who have survived this dreadful ordeal. I lost my fabulous husband in October 2019 he was very ill for 14 months before that , it has totally broken my heart as we were together since being 15yrs and 18yrs I feel my world has ended . My lovely daughter and family are my saving grace . But nothing in the world can take the place of Billy.
Completely lost I so understand how you are feeling. Normski .x
You look as if you were goer! And of course later on VERY elegant and young,
But how wonderful Peter was, teaching you everything and preparing everything for you. Bless him!
I only met one kind nurse and was so grateful for her, who was Indian from S Africa and a cleaner who I will never forget. They could be foul. I don’t know why. I think they were exhausted and if you didn’t have a baby they felt that was not what they were there for. But it made me sad because I felt/ feel they re only kind now because they have been taught to be.
I am SO sorry you can’t go anywhere to dance. It is like breathing.
My first big lop eared rabbit, Lupin, was called the video rabbit because she lay on my tummy as I lay on the sofa with John and we watched videos. If I stopped stroking her she would thump me hard with her right leg with grunt uggghhh- uggghhh. Everyone hated her but me because they didn’t know how to pick her up, so she scratched them . She ran to and went down in front of every animal to say hello, the cockerel to peck her on the he’d, the dog the cat, the horse and I fear the fox.
I have 3 grandchildren a lovely girl of 18 a boy of 17 who is rapping, and an amazing 7 year old, half from Hong Kong, a boy and they have magic life in Thailand. How lucky!
I always think our own would be bonkers and over sensitive! John was a poet/artist and I had been in theatre. His other my son who emails every day had wonderful dreams bout John, so helpful and positive.
LOve Axx
Dear Jenny
The practical advice I can give you is to put a foot in front of the other.
You will have good days and you will have bad days
People say stupid things because they love you and don’t know what to say
We live in a society that knows how to deal with anger, anxiety, depression and many other feelings however they don’t know how to deal with sadness and grief.
Grief can’t be fixed and it can’t be rushed
My husband died on the 14 October 2018 - 26 months - I am not over it and I will never be over it - I will live around it
So either ignore what people say or avoid them
Take care Sadie xx
Dear Sheila and Pat, On reading this thread and your caring replies to Jenny, just felt I had to add a few words. I so agree with what you both have said. It is two years 9 months since the passing of my beloved Alan, I realise that one does not ‘get over’ such a huge loss in your life and just carry on. We have to get accustomed to our ‘new’ situation, I think about Alan all the time, but cope with life as best as I can, believing that is what he would want. From reading these threads I understand that I am not the only one who can still have tears. Indeed, when tearful, I have tended to think ‘Oh no, more tears’! But, as Pat said, he is worthy of every tear. However, I can also smile at the very remembrance of him, and realise how lucky I was to have had such a wonderful soul mate and caring husband. All the wonderful times we shared, plans we made and enjoyed. I miss his company so very much. Like others, I have found few friends, or indeed relatives, are happy to talk about my loss or how I may be feeling. They just assume all is “fine”. They obviously haven’t any idea. More realistic friends who have suffered the loss of their husbands or partners have commented on how difficult and hard their life has become. Like Sheila, I want my Alan back, even now, sometimes it is hard to believe that he is gone and that I will not see him again in this life. This site is so amazing, where else can we find such understanding? Love and Blessings. Deidre.
Hi Sheila
I also have been ‘abandoned’ by friends
I have been listening to lots of books about grief and loss
What it has transpired it that when these people disappear from our lives is because they don’t know
They don’t know how painful it is
They don’t know how hard and lonely it is they just don’t know
I must say that until Jack died I also didn’t know.
I had a neighbour that lost her husband, I used to say hello to her and I used to think’ it must be very hard’ but I just didn’t know
I really think you should support these friends - they simply had no idea about your suffering
I wish you a healthy and safe New Year
Sadie xx