Am I ridiculous to be grieving so hard for my online love

20 years ago I started chatting online to a guy in the USA. We spoke lots on the telephone and email but gradually things drifted and we lost contact. Fast forward to 3 years ago - we regained contact and spoke daily either calls or Skype . He was 20 years older than me and we loved each other deeply. We had started to make plans to meet. Then on Wednesday he didn’t call as usual - I knew there was something wrong i heard later from his granddaughter he had suffered a massive stroke and died. I am broken and just want to die

Good evening, Jo
No. In short.
What you had with your beloved may not have been conventional, however, time spent together is not always a gauge on the strength of feeling between two people. You know what you shared, your strength of feeling and how special he was to you. I too lost someone very close to me who I shared a life with, but in somewhat of an unconventional way. We spoke all day, everyday and then suddenly he was gone. It’s been 6 weeks. I tell you this only so you know that I can totally relate to how you feel. I invested in counselling sessions and we spoke about disenfranchised grief and how people in that situation need to keep talking, perhaps here is a good place to do that? 6 weeks in I can tell you that at the beginning I thought that there was as no purpose in life without him by my side. Now that sharp, consuming pain has been replaced by a softer, more forgiving pain. It still totally sucks, but it’s more manageable. You’re not alone and it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. X

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Thank you so much for your words of hope. I have felt unable to confide to anyone because of feeling so stupid. X

Hi Jo, it isn’t pathetic at all. Just because you never got the chance to meet him it doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, because after all you spent so much time talking to one another. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you Abdullah. I really hope things get better because right now I just want to die :cry::cry::cry:

Lots of us want to die, Jo. I might live for another 50 years, I don’t want that, I want to join my dad much sooner, but we have to live our life out.

Please keep posting here, it will help you to talk about your feelings, without being judged.

Hello again Abdullah
I have lost people before but have never experienced pain like this. I just have no clue how I am.going to get through this. I have already looked up the best ways to commit suicide - it seems my only way out - and hopefully that way I’ll be able to be with him. It hurts so much

Jo
If you’re feeling this way then please don’t delay seeking support.
The Samaritans were really great to me in the first weeks until I could get an appointment with a counsellor.
X

If you are suicidal than please call the Samaritans on 116 123. They are available 24 hours.

Hi JoMorgan49

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, JoMorgan49, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Mick
Online Community team

I have suffered from depression for a long time so I’ve done the GP thing and CBT. I find it difficult to discuss stuff on the phone or face to face with strangers - that’s why talking in this format on here works for me.
He was the only thing that kept me going

Dear Jo,
True love is never wrong or wasted, I am so sorry that you have lost your loved one. I have internet friends who mean the world to me. I hope that you will eventually draw comfort from the fact that you knew him and that you loved and are loved in return.
Blessings,
MaryL x

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I feel so alone. We lived for each other. I can’t bear the pain

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Hi. Jo. Now why would you feel stupid? Love is love whatever form it takes and whoever is lucky enough to have it. I do understand, and so many who have not suffered this pain don’t. Every post you have had on here is from the heart and is real kindness and compassion. We all know and try to help as best we can. The pain can be so bad at first. If you continue to feel you will harm yourself don’t leave it. Seek help from the organisations shown in the above posts. If you have not been see your GP do so as soon as you can. The word ‘ridiculous’ does not come into at all. If you are then we all are because grief is a common bond here.
Please take the advice given and come back to us to talk. There will never be any judgement here or criticism.
Very best wishes to you. John.

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Hi Johnathan and thank you for your kind words.
I can’t grieve publicably. I am living with someone here in the UK. It is a miserable existence. For 3 years my online love has given me a reason to get up up in a morning. He was my rock. We Skyped last Wednesday then he was gone. It is so cruel. Life is so cruel. He would never have left me if he had been given the choice, he would be angry at the fact he has left me. I am angry he has left, he promisec he would never abandon me. The pain is unbearable.
I’m sat in my car writing this. I cry my eyes out everytime I am alone. I can barely look at anything that reminds me of him. I can’t listen to anything. Hands down this is the most awful that has happened to me. I feel so gulity that we never met in person - there was always some obstacle - the latest being Covid. We had made plans to be together. It’s all blown out of the water. I keep trying to think about how he would want me to handle the situation. I guess he would want me to stay strong and move on. I absolutely can’t. I reallly can’t . Every single thing reminds me of him. Everything . I just can’t go on

Jo. Please take this from one who knows. Been there. I too felt as you do. (I can imagine only but I am not in your shoes). I doubt anyone on here did not feel the same way as you do in the beginning. The pain sometimes seems unbearable, but somehow, God knows how, we do summon up that elusive courage to cope. We all have that courage. It’s not given to just a few. You have it too, but at the moment you maybe can’t find it. It will come given time. My heart goes out to you in your pain. Love transcends all things, and the fact you never met is irrelevant. The pain will ease a little, but the love will never fail. Words are so inadequate at times like this. But they are all we have to communicate with.
I send you my love and understanding as we all do. Take care and Blessings.

Hi Jo, 19 years ago when I was at university I used to game a lot, and I started talking to this woman in America who was about 14 years older. I fell in love with her, we would talk all the time, we wanted to be together, but my life was here, she had a daughter and her work there, and in the end it just wasn’t feasible for either of us, and we sadly moved on. She went onto meet someone else and got married, and then last year I found out she had died a few years earlier.

I was sad, but not as upset as you are, as she hadn’t been a part of my life for over a decade. Some people will say that he was only an online love, it wasn’t true love, but ignore those people, they don’t know what you and him have been through. I really feel for you, as it is something that you can’t really talk about to people, because of your situation and because a lot of people will say it is ridiculous as he was an online love, but always ignore those people, you don’t need them, and jsut keep posting here where you will find people who want to help you.

PLEASE talk to the Samaritans. I have talked to them on many occasions when I couldn’t see a way forward.
Your lovely man would have wanted you to get help xx

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Thank you Abdullah for your kind words of support. It’s a week now since he went. I’m still numb. I can’t quite get my head around the fact I will never hear his voice again or see him again. My phone is silent - he filled such a massive hole in my life. I’ll keep coming on here and talking. It’s nice to know I am not alone xx

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You’re definitely not alone, so please do keep talking here. Does he have any family that knew about you? Will you be able to talk to them about him? The woman who I was in love with when I was at university 19 years ago and who died a few years ago, she has a daughter, I am thinking of contacting her daughter and sharing some of the emails that woman and I sent each other, because in those emails she is talking about her daughter and how much she loves her and is worried about her (her daughter was a teenager then).

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