Today, ten months after my partner died very suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack, my brother’s partner had a heart bypass to save his life. He got his heart checked out because of my partner’s death.
I’m obviously hugely relieved he survived the operation but I can’t help also feeling so angry that he gets to live and my partner didn’t. I feel ashamed of feeling like this and just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience?
It is nearly nine months since Phil died due to cardiac arrest. I get so angry that his underlying heart condition hadn’t been diagnosed whilst it seems that other people are sent for tests etc at the slightest hint that there might be something wrong!
I’m obviously glad that my children have had all the tests to rule out any possibility of an inherited heart condition and I am glad that friends have been prompted to get tested. But there is anger and can I say jealousy! that Phil was the one to die whilst others can feel now assured that they are fit and healthy. I don’t know what that says about me as a person!
Hi Goldfinch and Janr,
It says that you are both normal to have feelings like that, who wouldn’t? Do not feel ashamed. You feel like that because you have not got the person who meant the most to you and vice versa. The person who always had your back, you were their number one priority and they were yours and now that has gone. Fortunately for those other couples they still have that.
It seems like life is a lottery in who lives and who dies and there is no rhyme or reason to it. I have always said that although life has its happy and sad times unfortunately, times like these undoubtedly outweigh the happy times ten fold.
Sending love.X
@Goldfinch - I feel exactly the same. Lots of our friends went to their GP to get tested for blood pressure, cholesterol etc after my husband died.
Some of them are now on medication.
I don’t wish ill health on anyone but it does make feel jealous and wish we’d been the ones in their situation.
Dear Goldfinch
Very different circumstances. My husband died in a motorbike accident. Some of his friends have subsequently decided to give up the sport. I am happy for their loved ones, but also leaves me with feelings of being worthless. Their husbands were prepared to give up their hobby for them and their families when mine would not listen to my pleas and now I am left alone and heartbroken trying to survive each day. Also angry because I asked some of these same so-called husband’s friends to help me in convincing him to give up and they said they did not want to get involved. Since the funeral they have gradually just disappeared and don’t keep in any form of contact now.
I think your feelings are normal. We all find ourselves asking the question “why” and regrettably its the one thing that we never get the answer too.
I am sorry that you find yourself on a journey none of us wanted. Take care.
S. xxxx
@Sheila26 Thank you. And I’m sorry - that’s so incredibly hard. Try to be kind to yourself - you’re absolutely not worthless. Your husband would have done the same for you, had one of your husband’s friends died instead of him. The risks just don’t feel real to us until tradegy strikes close to home xxx
And today I feel like my anger - at everyone and everything - will kill me. Don’t know what do with it
A few years ago my husband had a “virus”, neither him or the GP followed it up.
I asked, moaned etc at my husband to make an appt. The more I asked, the more he dug his heels in.
Last year he suffered a cardiac arrest while out with dog - 2 days after the first covid Jag.
Connected - I will never know.
I dislike everyone & everything including myself just now.
But there’s no easy solution.
G. X
And, yes, I hate myself most of all. For squandering what I had and all the things I did and didn’t say and do
I think we are all guilty of should haves, could haves, but we can’t change anything nor blame ourselves for being human.
I’m normally a reasonably positive person. - I don’t think I’m envious of other couples, they just don’t have any concept of what’s yet to come.
G. X
I was with close friends today and they have no idea how angry I am 11 months after losing my soulmate.
They do do not know what is awaiting them.
I now pray for their sanity when their turn comes.
God help them.
Dear Goldfinch
I have visited our daughter for a couple of days - she lives in the South East with her partner. I have cried silent tears. All over their little cottage are pictures of our daughter and her dad, even in the sun visor of her car she has pictures of him and her together. Heartbreaking. Needless to say as I prepared to leave for home today and alone in their home, I was so angry at my husband for leaving us in such a mess. I cried for the first hour of the drive back to the North East. I too often think the stress of this loss will take me and pray it is at a time when I am alone, and not when I have the grandson’s. Can’t believe this really is my existence now.
Take care xxxx
I know how you feel. Never thought I would be getting worse after 11 months, the world feels like it belongs to so called normal people.
Dear Edwomble
I wish there was some words of comfort I could say. I think this is the thing that friends and family struggle to understand. So many think and believe time is a healer, and as we all grieve differently for some this will be the case, but certainly for me the period since I last saw, touched and spoke with my loved one only serves as a cruel reminder of what has been lost.
Hi Janr
I am extremely p***sed off, my wife died last Feb from a large mass lymphoma, this was diagnosed during Covid, what angers me is that they shut down all the trials for new treatments, well a guy here where I work was diagnosed this year with the same but has been given new treatment that has worked so he is now clear, I am of course glad he and his family will not have to go through our pain but I am also jealous and very angry, I know there would of been no Guarantee any trials would of worked on my wife but to not even to of been able to at least try destroys me.