I lost my husband and soul mate Jim 27-07-2019 he knew he had cancer the last couple of months of his life but never told me. I only knew when he passed away suddenly after collapsing at home it took only 4 hours from home to his death in hospital. I’m so angry and guilty I’ve since found out he told my mother who i don’t haveva good relationship with about his cancer. I keep hating my husband and loving him i hate that i had to sign the form to end his life. I know I did the right thing but it’s killing me feeling like he’ll hate me. I love him so so much but im so angry he hid his cancer. Help me please. I’ve tried mental health counselling but they made my ptsd and nightmares worse. Thank you i know i will never want to be with another man again.
Bless you, to be struggling so much after all this time must be so draining for you.
What help have you sought? Have you seen your GP?
Is it worth trying counselling again, it may be that another councillor may work for you.
I don’t think we run out of tears, maybe you don’t need to cry anymore. That could be an option. Do you feel a betrayal for not crying?
It’s ok to not cry all the time and you certainly don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
The anger, I do understand. The conflict of feeling love and loving him and feeling he betrayed you by going to your mum, is hard.
But he did it and you can’t change it. He had he’s reasons which were probably to protect you but you will never know. It’s unhealthy for you to hang on to the anger. As hard as it is, try and let it go. Please try and focus on the love you shared. I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted you to be this sad after he died. He didn’t want to leave you, he was taken from you and I’m sure he did everything with the best intentions.
@Tracy4Jimbo I am so sorry that you are going through this grief and guilt. I lost my husband 6 months ago. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday my son rang me to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. He was 53 years old. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived. My husband had undiagnosed kidney cancer. He never knew.
It must of been such a shock for you to find out that your husband had cancer. Maybe he didn’t tell you as he didn’t want to worry you or maybe he couldn’t find the right time to tell you. I expect being told that you have cancer must have been a shock to your husband and he may have been in denial. He sounds a very brave man to carry this on his own. I know how you feel as if my husband had been diagnosed then I would of looked after him and care for him and say all the things I wanted to say. I never got a chance to say I love you and how much I appreciate you. My husband was just ripped away from me with no closure. I really think your husband was trying to protect you and maybe thought he had longer and was waiting for the right time to tell you. Grief is like a roller coaster so you will have guilty feelings which is part of grieving.
Big hugs xx
Surely you need bereavment counselling ? I think my husband hid some of his early symptoms from me … i was talking today to my counsellor and she said how do you think he was feeling and i said i think he was scared … maybe your husband was too and that’s why he vouldnt tell you ? Xx
Thank you so much for replying and so sorry for your loss. I do think Jim didn’t want to worry me because i had lost so many family members to cancer as i carry a cancer gene on both sides of the family. I thought it was my fault for not realization sooner but now i know it’s not. Plus it was ok to let him go so he didn’t suffer after reading messages. Thank you so so much
I haven’t cried except when i listen to our favourite music and I’m on tablets after today for depression. You’re right as well i should let it go and concentrate on his love for me. I will try and let go of the anger thank you for your advice and everyone’s help i don’t feel alone in grief any more. Thank You
You are welcome my lovely. How cruel that cancer has affected you one way or another. Such a cruel disease. I feel guilty for not noticing that my husband had lost weight until it was too late. I knew he was poorly but had no idea it was cancer. I was told by my councellor that guilt and anger is part of grieving. Take care Xx
I can totally see what you mean. My husband died in February this year after apparently having a frozen shoulder. we had one last holiday in Scotland last August/September where he pretended to be fine, in actual fact I ended doing most of the driving. After he went I looked into his pensions etc and it felt like he had organised things to help me! I don’t want the money, I want him to talk to, shout and go out with He was only 63 and he was my “toyboy”, I’m 65, and we had been together for nearly 44 years, The diagnosis was the cancer he’d had 20 years before, but that didn’t really help because he’d gone.
my hubby died easter 22, he had lots of health probs but they didnt kill him. he had a urine infection, had 2 lots ofantibiotics but didnt tell anyone that it still hadnt cleared up properly and needed a 3rd lot like he had a few yrs ago. He got taken to hospital with what we thought was a diabetic problem, which he had had before, at 3am easter sat and was dead of sepsis by 12 noon. the last time i saw him was going to the hospital thinking he would be back home in a couple of days like before.
i was very angry and shocked. angry at him for not saying anything an getting it sorted a few days before and leaving me up the creek without a paddle and shocked cause it wasnt expected
i had been a carer for about 10 yrs and tbh had lost all sympathy for him cause he moaned all the time about something or another. i was angry cause we hadnt told each other we did care for yrs and i know we should have done. now of course its too late.
i dont go along with councillors, think they are a waste of time and most dont even know what grief is except from a book, and anyone can read a book, they have never been there and everyone gets the same speech word for word.
maybe i have got hard over the yrs but i havent cried that much either, very little makes me cry any more at 67.
Yep i know exactly what you mean ! We dont want the money do we ! We want them !!! xxx
@SueF1 I think hardening ourselves is about protection. I really felt your post. I think a lot of people will resonate with your post.
It’s something now that bothers me, when I see couples arguing or one moaning about the other or being pissy with each other over something really trivial, it annoys me big time I have said, that could be the last thing they hear or is that how you want to remember them or them to remember you!
We were in that position when my partner died. He was sleeping a lot before it died and I was getting really annoyed about it (didn’t know he was in heart failure) and I wanted a dog and was sulking because he wasn’t committing. He died before it was all sorted and that stays with me. The fact the previous 16 yrs were amazing, I do nothing but focus on the last bit.
But I must remember that i loved him so much and I know he loved me, we had so many plans for our future together. I just would have liked the opportunity to have had a good talk before he died and now I can’t.
Yeh but the bereavment cousellors do listen and they do let you get it all out into the open your feelings , in a safe space ! Its not just advice they give you its listening to how you feel … anyway up to you … i like it …emotional but nice to tslk to someone who understands after all these months of hurting …
@Ali29 I know how you feel as wish I could of had a good chat with my husband before he suddenly died. We had celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary previously and been to Sorrento which was fantastic. After that my husband was getting moody and would shout at me and I would be mean to him. I obviously didn’t know that he was ill. In the years we were married we did have rows and sometimes walk out on each other but it never lasted long. Wish I could turn the clock back. Miss him so much Xx
Yeh it does make them grumpy being ill - we were arguing a lot too @Hazel.1966 because i knew something was wrong but didnt know what it was ? I do now dont beat yourself up -,all couples have rows ! But you know what - even if you did know he was so unwell - like i did in end - you wouldnt have done anything any different … you would have still loved him in the way you always did you know ! You dont really say goodbye until theyre gone - you cling to their lives until you cant cling on any longer hope that helps you xxx
Lost my partner 12th of april this year so do know how your all feeling .We are only human and have regrets its part of grief .They would be feeling the same if we had died first .Be kind to yourself we all did the best we could in the awful.circumstances we found ourselves in .xxx
Yeh i entirely agree with that xxx
Debs5 your right about bereavement counselling its certainly helped me to put things right for me and lay some feelings to rest as well x
My daughter and son doing a 10 k run in york and raising £350 for cancer research this morning, in memory of their dad . Wanted to tell you @Martyn2 because i know you did that fund raising in your wifes memory the other week x
Thank you debs5.wish them good luck from me xx
They already doing it now … but yeh ta for that ! Just made me think about my husband more today and all the things he is missing xx why is life so cruel ? : ( xxx