I sometimes feel like I’m going to explode! There is so much anger and rage inside of me, I feel I can barely contain it.
The audacity of the world for continuing on as if nothing has happened.
How dare these people walk into my work and flaunt their happy lives in front of my face!
Family members and friends inviting me round for dinner or drinks… “cos that’s what ‘normal’ people do”
Do you not know my life has ended!
Can you not see my world has fallen apart?
How is anyone supposed to keep going, I don’t even know where to start and I’m almost 2 years in! That in itself is hardly believable. How have I survived for this long without you?
For me it still feels like yesterday it’s all so fresh in my mind but some people you have to remind them why you are the way you are. As if there is an expiration date on grief.
I just feel so alone yet I know I can’t be. I won’t be. I’m not.
I don’t know how to live this life… I didn’t chose it and I don’t like it!
I know I need to keep on going. I am (albeit rocky at best) and I will. I just wish I never had to do it without him… my best friend, my biggest fan, the father of our son. He was a pain in my ass and he knew it and I drove him mad, but he loved it!
We were each others person, we were never meant to be apart.
I miss him every single day and on the 18th of this month, it will be 2 whole years since I heard him say my name.
My hearts aches the same today as it did then and in some ways I hope that never ends.
I’m hoping that letting that out may go some way to helping you feel a bit better. This life is cruel and you have certainly had your fair share and at such a young age. I can understand your anger. I’m hoping that reaching out here and talking to others in the same situation will help you.
You say you don’t know how to do this but you’ve been doing it for 2 years. Take it a day at a time, just get through today, tomorrow can wait x
Reading your post is so painful for me,I can feel your anger,I can feel your pain and I can so relate to and understand it. I send you my hopes for some level of inner peace even temporarily. I’m just four months in on this torture of an existence.
I know all about rage ! Rage at our situation that we didn’t even want - that we didnt even chose ! Let it out - turn the music up in your house and scream if you have to or punch some pillows ! Its not fair is it and we been dealt a crap hand and when you see other people with their flourishing relationships it hurts … but i just like to think bet they have a right barny tonight ! Lol … none of this is easy but try talk to your friends about it if you can ? Xxx
Hi, I feel exactly the same as you, it’s 2 years on the 18th of this month that I lost my husband suddenly.
Everybody carrys on in life whilst mine has stopped.
@MrsMac0109 Thanks so much much for being so honest. It’s so refreshing and such a relief. I’m much further back than you, 11 months, you make me feel understood, normal.
Our worlds have fallen apart, but our lives haven’t ended x
I feel your pain and anger . The world does move on I have one sister who has stopped visiting now . I can’t believe her . No one cares that we are broken and in pain . My husband said through a medium to not be angry . I am trying not to be but it’s so hard with the shock of losing him so quickly
Yeh i feel angry ! I feel angry i lost myold life which i loved so much. I loved him being in it nobody in my family seems to understand this apart from perhaps my middle daughter and one of my brothers - nobody wants to understand how hard this is … ive got a pretty awful family tbh they have no empathy … i cant hide it - its just how i feel xx
Aren’t people.really awful these days ? I seen such an awful side of human nature since my husband passed ? Maybe it was always there i just didnt notice it because i was wrapped in his love ? But the way some of my family have behaved has been so truly awful … im ashamed of people i really am they.have made me so angry that i think there are some people i will never talk to again xx
When I was trying to explain to one of my siblings how sad, upset and lost I was feeling said, “I didn’t think you loved her that much.” WTF! Yup, families and other people can certainly be less than supportive. But then again, they have absolutely no idea what you are going through and have been through. And to some extent good luck to them; I wouldn’t wish the nightmare world I am in now on my worst enemy. You just quickly learn who are the people to avoid, if you can of course.
Hard to read your post…
It’s so familiar…I am 6 weeks along this road.
Only we lot can really get to understand what you are going through.
I will not give any stupid sayings…( I’ve heard enough of them)…they don’t do anyone any good.
Just words spoken when no words would be better.
The further away from that awful day just gets harder to cope…
I went back to counselling last week…
Because it seems life has returned to normal for everyone,but me.
Sleep is the only escape (I wish I could sleep longer … hibernation maybe…? )
I drink more now…and I look forward to it…(it does help a bit )…
The only one who can make this nightmare go away is never going to be with me again…
I am making plans to move in the future and get away from all the familiarity that surrounds me.
Yeh ironic isnt it - that the very person who could help you isnt here anymore im thinking of doing a move next year too … just dunno where yet ? I need to find some happiness i know that to at least survive this xx
Yeah… that’s my plan…
We moved here to build a life together…
And we had great time doing it…
Building,painting,digging…
Best 5 years ever…been together 25…
Late diagnosis …stage 4 in June…
Given 18/24 months of life…
Left me late September…
Didn’t even get 18 months.
Just 10 weeks…seems so unfair…
There is no god…never has been…never will be…(don’t waste your time on him)
Rest assured…I know what you are going through and you know what I am going through…
@Jimmy1975 what you say is spot on. You talk of moving and @Deb5 too.
I have concluded that I have got to move. As you say, the familiarity is too much. I have so many triggers that I could simply do without, both in the house and the surrounding area. This is yet another aspect of “grief” that I find exceedingly difficult to cope with. Whenever I see a hospital transport vehicle go past my tears well up as memories of all the journeys we made come flooding back. Just awful, it really is.
I think I want to be by the sea/coast. I have been making day trips by train to locations on the Kent and south coast to check them out, try to get some sort of feeling for the places. I’ve been trying to get to Eastbourne but the weather … need I say more!
This year I have started to clear the house. I just feel that I want the absolute minimum of “stuff”. Of course there are some items that have deep meaning for me but not very many. It’s just awful …
It is just awful … theres no positive sidev to this is there ? I was thinking about the sea too. Im going away with my daughter and granddaughter in 2 weeks , see how i feel when i get back ? Everything is such an effort isnt it ? I cant be bothered half the time xxx
No, none that I have encountered or am able to conjure up. Yes, everything is an effort. It all seems futile, hollow. Whatever I do, whatever distraction I engage in I just keep coming back to yearning for Christine to be by my side. There is nothing else at the moment.
I hope you find some comfort and relief with your daughter and granddaughter. It was 18 months before I felt I could endure staying away from home one night to visit my daughter in Ripon. I have only managed one other night away. Yet I want to move. How do you square that?
I think wanting to move is really just a symptom of the desire to escape this reality in which I find myself. It is simply too painful. But for all this I do feel at a very elemental level that moving is more likely to be helpful in the long term than staying in this environment where reminders of what I had and what I have lost are continually in my face.
Whatever, it is just awful and almost unbearable at times.
but i just like to think bet they have a right barny tonight ! Lol … none of this is easy but try talk to your friends about it if you can ? Xxx
