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Hi Patsy219, just a little hello to say I am hearing you. Anger and sadness and grief are so close emotionally. I lost my soul mate seven weeks ago and the days since are so surreal. I try very hard to walk the days. This forum is a support, no one realises the path we walk until they walk it for themselves. Please do reach out, share and talk. Sending you hugs and strength
My anger is towards myself. I lost my Husband recently whom I loved. He treated me really well the last few years but, before that did and said some terrible things that I can’t get out of my head, towards me. So now I’m haunted that I should have stood up to him, it’s eating away at me. I’m exhausted with these thoughts. I wonder if anyone can help. Please mini
Patsy, don’t blame yourself for not standing up to him. At the time, you did what you thought was right, or were too scared to take any other action. That’s very often what happens in what I presume was close to or was abuse towards you. A person very close to me went through an abusive relationship, and it was only when he was out of the house and went into the next door neighbours, having an affair with the woman there, that she had the courage to lock the doors and not let him back in. In 40 years she has never mentioned his name in my presence, choosing a pseudo name for him instead if for any reason she had to refer to him.
It was in the past, but I know just saying that won’t relieve you of your thoughts. I wouldn’t dream of telling you to get over it, as I know full well how this affects you even years after the events you speak of. Just remember that he did change for the better by the sound of things, so something you did could well have been the catalyst for that change. As a man, I cannot understand anyone being abusive to any woman, let alone one with whom he is in a relationship. But we all know it happens and we all know of women who don’t or can’t leave that relationship or stand up to the man for some reason. The reason is irrelevant, those reasons are good enough for the woman not to be able or want to do anything about it at the time.
Please don’t let this eat you up, as unfortunately you can’t change the past now and you will simply make yourself ill worrying about it.
I really hope this helps in some way. with much love and thoughts for you. Marnee xxx
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Thank you for your kind lovely message Marnie. I loved my husband dearly, I’m broken hearted he’s not here . He never physically hurt me, he went into terrible rages if I confronted him, the worst thing for me was over the years he would disappear for days at a time for work!!! This is what s eating me up now, the thing is I’ll never know, and we did have lovely times together and he was really kind, it’s the good times that I so want to remember, not the bad, but all I’ve got in my head are the awful times. Thank you for your kindness. Xx
Patsy, today that would be abuse I think, even if you weren’t physically hurt, mentally you were hurt or you wouldn’t be feeling like you are now. It sounds like you’re putting 2 and 2 together without knowing the answer. His reactions to you confronting him could be guilt or the complete opposite. Many people have doubts about things that happened a long time ago. I suspect your three exclamation marks tell a tale?
I worked away during the week for a number of years. Otherwise I’d not have been able to support the family. I worked with others doing the same, and lived in hotels 4 nights a week. we then all worked together as a team, so we were spending more time with these people than with our family, and we’d go to nightclubs and restaurants and bars together too. My wife came up once at Christmas and during the party I introduced her to one of my male colleagues, using the name of one of the girls I worked with by mistake. She was my best mate on the team by the way. You can imagine the upset and doubt that started. Yes we were friends and worked and lived in the same places, but nothing more than that. But I’m sure my wife doubted me for a long time afterwards.
I guess my wife could never be 100% sure, but the subject was never brought up again, even during an argument, so probable she went to her grave not knowing for sure if I’d been having an affair. I 100% hadn’t but seeds of doubt were probably sown.
I also had doubts when she was seeing a priest for a reason she never told me - and they were texting in Polish very late at night. She was also angry when I confronted her to ask what was going on. Something didn’t look ‘right’. Those doubts linger, but until right now, I’ve never told anyone else, and it doesn’t sound like you have either. I therefore understand completely why this is eating you up. I still don’t know what went on, although I actually do have an idea that it was to do with abuse when she was a child. So I too will never know for sure. I wish I could find out for sure but that would feel like I’m betraying the trust between us, which was twice dented but not broken by the above events. I’m working on these feelings right now but it’s so hard to park them somewhere for good, isn’t it? I just wish we’d confided in each other about our fears and doubts - as you seem to be saying also.
Gosh Patsy, I’ve never spoken about these things before! We were together for 38 years and if there hadn’t been any difficult times I’d perhaps be surprised. Maybe it’s just what we need to do - actually talk about it!
Relive the good times Patsy. I’m going to post this before I change my mind to say all this.
Much love. M xxx
Sorry Patsy I had to stop and post that before I changed my mind. It’s really hard to have done that, but hopefully it will help both you and me to come to terms with our past and doubts we harbour.
Take care M xxx
Marnie, thank you again for getting back to me. I hope it has helped you putting into words how you’ve been feeling and like me keeping those thoughts to yourself. I’m quite private and not very good with words, so hopefully that will explain my short messages. You come across as a very genuine person and I’m pretty sure your dear wife trusted you. I feel from what you say that texts between your wife and the priest were likely what you think they were. What is tormenting me is, when I said a number of times was he with someone else, as I had a right to know so that I could decide what to do, he always denied it. I will never know. I loved him very much and will try to stop having all the negative thoughts, I’m suffering terrible grief too as it’s not so long since he passed away. Thank you Marnie for your kindness and understanding message, I’m shocked at myself, can’t believe I’ve put all this into words. Love to you xx
Ah, bless you Patsy. I’m a private person too - hence why I had to stop and post when I did or I might not have sent it at all. It’s funny how we can pour things out to complete strangers, but sometimes family are just too close.
What you didn’t say was also telling I think. And just as an aside, my ex-wife back in 1984 was having an affair. I was even invited out for the evening by her lover, and had no idea about anything so went out with him. to a pub. Only when my ex said she was going to have a break from the kids by staying at her dad’s and I found out he knew nothing of this and she certainly wasn’t staying with him, did I discover the truth. It turned out she’d not only been unfaithful with this one person whom she later married but with three of my work contacts as well. It ruined everything at the time. I’m not sure it did any good for my children either - who then lived with me as their single father. At the time I was devastated as I never saw it coming! All her family remained loyal to me and cut her off completely. Those still alive all came to Mary’s funeral too.
Whatever happened for you it seems things changed and you then had a happy time together. That time could so easily have been lost forever. But I really understand that you wanted to know and still do. Who knows what difference that would have made to your future? Maybe he was being truthful, maybe he wasn’t - but don’t beat yourself up now about what cannot be changed. My ex and I, and in fact my wife Mary too, remained friendly, and she even came to visit me twice and came to the funeral last month. I’m also good friends with Mary’s ex husband, the father of my girls, and his wife. But I guess that was a rare thing to happen.
I sincerely hope you can get past this most difficult point in your life.
So BIG HUGS. Marnee xxx
Once again thank you Marnie, you make such positive aaaacomments. You’ve through very upsetting times and wanting to help me is admiral. Being invited to the pub by that man must have been heartbreaking for you. People can be very cruel. Many years ago a woman at my husband s work would phone him,( out of hours !!! ) this always happened later in the evening when I would be watching a favourite TV programme, of course it was work!!! Exclamation marks again. I know that was the start of my suspicions, and troubled me every time he went away for a bit, but of course it asked any thing he just exploded. I must think about the good times Marnie , for my sanity. Big hugs to you also x x. I put M a r n e e every time and it keeps changing it, sorry x. Sorry also for mistakes ie should be admirable x
Patsy Thank you - Mary would be the one to always say yes with a great big smile - to anyone who needed help. Even taking in a friend of our daughter who’d run away from foster care at the age of 15, suitcase in hand. and simply turned up on our doorstep one Friday night. We became her formal foster parents from the next three years, so if I can help just one person through Mary’s death, then she’d be proud of me.
And even if your suspicions were correct, who did he always return to? The one who he felt safe to be with, and stood by him through thick and thin - you!
And no worry about the spelling. It’s a nickname on here so not a problem in the slightest!