Why does it annoy/upset me when people tell me to think about the happy memories I have with my Mum?
To me it’s just a painful reminder that she is no longer here! She should still be here making more memories!
Another thing that grates on me is when they tell me that she will always be in my heart, what if I’d rather she was here physically?
When people tell me I have to be strong, says who I literally had part of my identity ripped away from me
When people tell me I’m better off going to work to get my mind off things.
Nothing will ever stop me thinking about how much I miss her especially when I hate my job anyway and even more so with how insensitive they have been about the situation.
When people say I have to carry on, what if I’m finding even the simplest tasks hard work with the constant brain fog due to still being in shock that she has really gone!
I just feel like hiding away sometimes just to be on my own to wallow in self pity in peace.
Well said Jess and you’ve totally summed up how I feel.
I’ll throw another one in for good measure that people love to tell you - time is a great healer. Is it, really, because I’m finding that the longer time goes on, the more I’m missing my mum and it hurts even more, if that’s possible.
So very true Lucy, I’m certainly in the depression stage now and every day is full of such sadness, each day that comes it gets harder as you miss them more and more.
That’s another thing people have said to me, “you can’t feel this way forever” it’s not like I want to feel this way but it’s how I am for now, I can’t just shut it off
@Jess1 I totally get everything you’ve said. I’ve recently lost my mum too and I feel awful everyday, just empty and lost. Nothing anyone can say or do helps, and I’m constantly analysing stuff and going over things with my partner and driving him nuts. It’s all just really bloody sad. Have you thought about getting some counselling? I have started some and think it’s helping to speak to someone independent.
I have just finished 8 weeks of counselling today and don’t feel it has helped much but according to the counsellor I am at the beginning of my journey and there’s more help out there and she said sometimes it can be too soon to go. I just think that I’m a lost cause now
I constantly go on at my partner to, I don’t even know why cause it won’t bring her back or change things I’m honestly at a loss.
I am sorry you are part of the club we didn’t want a part in x
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, it’s the most agonising, gut-wrenching feeling isn’t it. I understand your pain. I have personally found that finding others who understand how I feel on these sites to be extremely helpful as it means I’m not alone.
I believe that nobody truly understands unless they have been through similar trauma themselves and, yes, the old “I don’t know what to say” line is a bit infuriating! I’d like to think that the people who say it genuinely mean well, but I have to say I have been so surprised by the lack of care from so-called friends and the fact that nobody actually even bothers to check in on me any more (it’s 12 weeks since I lost my mum).
At first, everyone is full of how are you and let me know if you need anything etc but, since the funeral 9 weeks ago, I’ve had practically nothing from anyone. I feel as though everyone thinks I should be fine now and can just carry on as normal. I hope that one day, when something similar unfortunately happens to them, that I will be a better friend in their hour of need.
Good luck with the counselling, please keep us updated if you are finding it useful. Sending love
Hi. So sorry for your loss! I lost my mom, one of my best friends, 6 weeks ago, and people who I thought were better friends have not reached out to me even after I have said numerous times that I am struggling. Apparently what you, I and others experience is very typical. I found a good article online that helped me understand this. Not everyone has true empathy! People don’t know what to say. I am fortunate to have a couple very close friends and my husband who have been so supportive. Grief is a biological response that never totally goes away. Glad that you shared with us.
Hi, thank you so much. I am also so very sorry to hear you have lost your mum. It is so hard isn’t it? My mum was my best friend too and we lived together and did everything together. I miss her so very much.
You’re right, I’ve heard lots of people say that they’ve been practically abandoned by their friends after suffering a loss, so it must be quite common. I understand that they may not know the exact right thing to say, but I am devastated that they are not even willing to try- I think I’d rather they said something than nothing at all and just ignore the fact my world has quite literally fallen apart.
I’m glad you have some supportive friends and husband to help get you through your ongoing trauma, that will certainly help you I’m sure. Sending you love
I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. He was 53 years old. Had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. He was my soulmate. His life has been robbed and our future plans and dreams have gone. People have said to move on with my life and time heals. People who have never lost a love one. move on! We could of had another 30 years together and the thought of never seeing him again kills me. My son is 22 and so young to lose his dad who won’t see his milestones in life. X
I’m so sorry for your and your son’s loss Hazel, that is horrendous and he was so young. You must be in complete shock, how on earth can anyone think that you can just move on with your life after being with someone so long?! Words fail me.
Like you said, your whole future that you had planned is now in ruins and it is going to take you a very long time to come to terms with that, if you ever can. Your young son has also lost his dad and he obviously can’t just move on either.
At least on here there are others who have also suffered enormous losses and they do understand what we are going through. I hope that you and your son can provide comfort for one another and, in time, you will be able to focus on your happy memories x
@Lucy7 thank you so much for your kind words. Yes it such a struggle losing my husband suddenly. I am so sorry for your loss of your mum also. Life is definitely unfair and cruel. Sending lots of love and hugs xx
I’ve come to realise that maybe it’s best to not expect too much from people and then you can’t be disappointed. It’s so true that those who haven’t been through any loss or trauma just cannot relate and therefore cannot give you the support you need and say pointless/insensitive things. Over time those friendships fade because your lives become so different as a result of life events.
Oh and I’ve noticed that people are asking me how old my mum was…why? As if they are trying to measure the sense of loss for you, it doesn’t matter what age she was, she was my best friend and mum. Even if she was 100 it would have still hurt, although I am constantly trying to reassure myself that maybe I wouldn’t feel so heartbroken had she been a few years older.
Funny what your mind does to you when you are grief stricken.
I think you exactly right, don’t expect too much from anyone! I agree that friendships will change as a result of their behaviour around my loss, I can’t even think the same about them any more. I have to say I was shocked at first, but have come to realise it’s quite normal for people to behave that way, from what I’ve now read.
I have heard that too, many times, people asking how old my mum was as if it’s an excuse to say, oh well, she was old, it doesn’t matter that she’s died then! My mum was 77 and they seem to find that an awkward one to comment on as she wasn’t young, but not old either. Like you said, it wouldn’t matter to me if she had been 100 though, the loss is still horrific. I’m like you though, in some ways, I tell myself I might have been able to handle it better if my mum had been really old but, in reality, I probably wouldn’t have. One ‘friend’ even said to me I could’ve lost my mum years ago! I feel your pain, I really do x
I barely hear from anyone these days it can get fair lonely.
Continuing from my post, I visited my other halves Grandma and she asked if I was feeling any better and I said that I wasn’t then she said “still why”?
Why? Seriously cause I’m just not and I’m missing my Mum, why should I be feeling better, I can’t understand the mentality of some people sometimes.
I think most people are scared to mention our losses, but surely they can’t think we’d prefer to be completely ignored!
Generally, when people do ask, they just expect you to say, yes I’m fine, but I refuse to do that because I’m not fine at all and won’t be for a very long time, if I ever am. I can’t understand why everyone just thinks that we can switch off and pretend everything is back to normal. Our lives have changed forever and a part of us will always be missing. Personally, I can still barely believe I’ve lost my mum and that I will never be able to see or talk to her ever again. It just seems so unreal, even after almost 13 weeks. I just want to go back in time to when things were different and she was still here with me as I’m sure we all do x
Yes same here, I just want to go back to the time when things made sense, the time I was able to talk to her and cuddle her. I miss her so much I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again to be honest x
Yeah I agree, I don’t say “I’m fine” either, I’m not going to sugar coat it for the sake of making it easier for other people. In fact, when my friends ask me via text how I am, I often sense they go quiet after my honest reply which is disappointing.
I find weekends very hard, I can’t listen to many types of music, in fact there are so many triggers. I even went to a car boot sale this morning for something to do and saw some items that reminded me of her. It’s everywhere because it’s all I can think about.
All I can say is , everyone has to go through this at some point. There are so many people going through this right now, it’s just we don’t know about them (which is why this forum is so helpful).
I just wish this wasn’t happening so so badly.
Good for you, a true friend would understand your devastation and try to help you, that’s what friends are for, or so I thought.
I know what you mean about music and, for me, tv programmes that I used to watch with my mum I find difficult to watch now. I also can’t go to our usual shops as I find it too painful. There are constant reminders everywhere and it is heartbreaking isn’t it?
Thank goodness for sites like these, because they have been my saviour. I am shocked at just how many people are unfortunately going through similar traumas as I don’t know anyone personally in the same situation.
I literally had part of my identity ripped away from me 
cause I’m just not and I’m missing my Mum, why should I be feeling better, I can’t understand the mentality of some people sometimes.
I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again to be honest x