I think it’s horrendous whatever death they had. With a traumatic death I found I had the shock and the questions and the what ifs. I try and just tell myself I will never know and there is No making sense of it.
Alister was only 63 and I am also in my 50s.
You will get through tomorrow and if you cry it’s ok. I was dreading sobbing in the middle of it but I didn’t.
Remember no one can take away the love you had for each other and the time you had. Xx
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Hi, please don’t think of the funeral as a final goodbye. I think you have already done that. It’s not a nice day, but one that most countries expect. My Fiancée didn’t want a funeral, all Mandy wanted was to be cremated on her own. Her thoughts were that everybody would just comes to terms with her dying and didn’t want everybody to be upset again. I wish I honoured her wishes. I let her family sway me into having a family led service. I still punish myself for not honouring her wishes. I hope she would have understood my predicament. Mandy’s still in my thoughts and heart, however painful it is ,all day ,everyday. Not sure how this journey will end or how long it will be. Everybody look after yourselves, because nobody else will or can. Stefan
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I found that the build up and planning for Bev’s funeral, whilst difficult and emotional gave me a focus and some level of control at the time. The funeral was as you’d expect very distressing and upsetting but it wasn’t until afterwards that i got home sat down and started to process what had just happened. There was no more direction to my time and i had gone from having loads of people around me to being totally on my own, in the space of just a few hours. Bev’s funeral was a cremation and because she was such a popular person both in her private and family life as well as her work life there were hundreds of people at the funeral. There was a coach full of people from work and others who had come on their day off as well as colleagues there from other branches who’d worked with her. They all lined the route into the crematorium in an honour guard as the cortege passed through which was very emotional to experience. I work at the same place as her and i knew all of the people there which made it more difficult, having done the same for former colleagues only this time i was in the car not stood side by side with my wife. In order to fit as many people as i could into the Chapel they opened a second annex with a TV in which had been introduced as a result of covid restrictions. I also had external speakers connected to the chapel’s P.A. system as even then there wasn’t enough room for everyone. Finally due to others who couldn’t make it or were living abroad i had a webcast which allowed them to log in and if they wanted to they could view either in real time or for up to a week later using the unique log in. This was useful for some relatives in Australia where there is a huge time difference from UK. I paid for a download of the service which i can view whenever i want, not that i want to, but i found that it helped me to take in the bits my grief at the time wouldn’t allow me to see. Plus it documents what was my final moments with my darling girl that i would otherwise forget. Not everyones cup of tea, i get that but i find it helped me, which is what’s important for each of us, if it works for you, it works. The service was beautiful and personal, our friend who’s wife had died 3 years earlier from cancer took the service as he is an ordained preist so it was much more personal and poignant. Bevs sister got up and shared some memories of growing up with her big sister, Bevs niece and our daughter shared a reading of the Lord is my Shepherd, her eldest nephew read a eulogy and we all placed single roses on her coffin. I wanted to speak but i knew my message to Bev would be lost in my tears, which are flowing now as i write this, so i decided to record what i wanted to say to her a few days before so that i could take my time and get the words across whilst being able to be understood. I wrote her a letter the night we had been told that she was at the end of her fight against the cancer and that was what i recorded. It was all of the things that i wanted to say to her, how i felt, what she’d meant to me, how greatful i was for her love and the memories we’d shared and family we’d built and finally thanking her for completing me and showing me how to be a better man with unconditional love. I also recorded a closing poem. I had my recordings on my phone and when the time came i simply pressed play and i could get my words across. I cannot say that anything i did made the day easier and everyone is an individual. If any of what i did helps anyone then the point of this long entry isn’t lost. I wanted her life to mean something so i tried to honour her as best i could and send her off knowing how loved she was right to the end. One last thing i did was raise a just giving page asking for contributions towards cancer research instead of all the money that gets spent on flowers either sent to my home or at the funeral. She raised over £3000 by the end which made me proud and gave another little bit of meaning to her life. Sorry for the long winded post but as we all know, sometimes we don’t have the outlet to tell our stories like we used to. My love to all of you going through this terrible time. Try to be as strong as you can as you approach and go through the funerals. Remember your love for them, take any support from around you, you’ll be stronger than you know and you need to be able to live with the memories of that day and be able to look back and recognise that you were there for them and honoured their life as best you could. 
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Hi, I think we all feel the same way. The demons came calling this morning just by cutting my hedge. The last time I cut it my sweetheart brought me a cup of tea and stayed talking while drinking it. Mandy even offered to help clear up but I said I could manage. It makes you realise how much you are on your own. It also shows how pointless everything is. I just don’t like life without the love of my life in it. I just wish we went together instead of having to endure over 9 weeks of agony . I fear it’s not going to get any better.
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I’m sure she would understand. People need to grieve and I think funerals really help some people a long the journey and come together to remember the person and the life they lived. Funerals are definitely not the end!! It’s just a marker in the journey that is uncharted with sorrow.
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The family have been kidding ourselves and trying to view Paul’s funeral next week as a ‘Celebration of Life’ and add some humour into the service as he was a joker and loved to make people laugh - but I know in reality when the day comes I will struggle - his kids grief is different to mine, they’ve lost their dad but I’ve lose my future ……. People say it’ll be easier after the funeral…. Why will it be …. Nothing changes the reality that I’ve lost the love of my life and all I want is to be with him.
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I think that when it’s are time all of our husbands will be waiting for us only this time it will be for ever send hugs to each and everyone of us xx
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The funeral is the only chance of collective closure. Myself, only closet of friends and family are having an ashes burial in a designated place with an oak tree added and space for me. We can visit in any daylight hours, have picnics, quiet contemplation and told new family information. You are in charge of everything 
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Hi to all ,this is my 10th day into this unbearable future alone without my darling man because he wasn’t religious of sorts he decided he wanted a pure cremation no fuss no bother for family even though he wasn’t sure what he believed he knew i did and do have faith he was a good honest extremely kind helpful loving man so i know god has him he also became a doner he has given ten people the gift of sight i received the most beautiful box with a certificate praising him and his name will be added to the tree of thanks he would be so proud because that was who he was i know this is not for everyone especially at such an heartbreaking time and i respect each and everyone’s decisions but to me he will be here still helping others and i take comfort in that though i will miss him forever we will all oneday meet our loved ones i believe this for sure i will keep his ashes when my time comes my daughter will put us together and his final wish is to be scattered at sea i hope i haven’t said too much but i feel safe here and among friends i wish only the best love and healing to everyone and that we can get through each second of every day somehow 
xx
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My husband had a pure cremation too I keep his ashes with me till my time comes around and we will be scattered together I’m not a religious person I’m afraid but I do believe that one day our husbands will be waiting for us when it’s our time and then it will be forever xxx
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I am so pleased that you have let me know of your wishes too it is such a difficult subject to face but we all have one thing we share and that is we will be reunited with our loved ones for sure sending big hugs xx
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Hi, I think if you read a lot of messages on this forum you will see not many people would say it will be easier after the funeral. It never gets easier. You are also right, nothing changes. If you are non religious the only hope is an end to a miserable , I won’t say life, it’s an existence . I know a lot of people think they will be reunited with their love ones, I don’t believe that myself. It would be so comforting if I did. My future with my beautiful Mandy is having my ashes mixed with hers and scattered wherever. Losing a life partner is unbelievably painful. Children have no idea of the trauma caused. They can’t comprehend the wish not to want to live without our loving partners. We all know just how unimportant and pointless everything has become. It seems lots of people have started using my phase, which is very apt, welcome to Groundhog Day. Let’s hope reading this downer will make you day just a little better, but I doubt it. Take care.
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I can empaer lying there, me doing all of that, screaming at her not to die & leave me. Telling her me & the dogs need hthise with all the above. I tick along, thinking i’m ok & then bang, there it is, as you say back to the day it happened. I still have flashbacks, i hear me breaking ribs as I do CPR, I smell the smells that occurred where fluids came out of her mouth & nose, I see her laying there, me doing all that, screaming at her not to die on me, not to leave me & the dogs cos we need her. Feeling I let her down at the end cos I didn’t save her. Did I miss something, should I have called a Dr as she was a little under par, would it have made any difference? I’ve lived with these images, feelings & questions practically 95% of the time at some point. The longing she was still here at times physically makes my heart hurt. I actually feel pain in my heart, not sure if anyone else can get what I mean. Today i’m trying to enjoy the sun, in my garden, with our dogs 
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Hi scamp1,
We all have those thoughts. All you can say is you tried everything you could to save her. I used to love sitting outside on our swing seat with Mandy, but I hate the sunny days now. The missing is crushing. The pain can be unbearable. But one thing for certain, nothing is going to change. Those demon thoughts will come calling when you least expect, then the tears will start running. I would also say everybody on this forum knows what you mean. We all have this shared nightmare. Take care.
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Hi Swojto, thanks for that, it helps knowing others get it! Yes places that we went together do stir up all manner of emotions. The good & happy memories of times we had & then the thought we won’t be mak8ng anymore together. I get told no but you’re making new ones & yes i get that but they don’t get me wanting to make more with her. Still it is what it is & the world stops for no one. Some how we have to plod on. You take care & again, thank you.
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Hi again, I can’t get to it is what it is. I think life has stopped for me. I absolutely hate not having Mandy in my life in a live form. If I could I would not be here, but I don’t want to migrate my grief and pain onto the rest of my close family. I would just like not to wake up one morning, as my boys know I’m not happy living like this. I get no joy, I haven’t got any interest in anything, and everything is pointless. As I have often said on this forum, if you invest everything to have a perfect relationship, when this happens, you’ve lost everything. Mandy was such a pleasant person, never said a bad word about anybody. Everybody thought the world of her, as I did. Nobody will ever take her place, so a lonely life is the future, for however long that is.
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I can empathise & everyones journey is different, even if at times similar. None of us know what’s round the corner & just as well. I do get lonely but not 24/7. Life at times is pointless but not 24/7 & so it is with all the emotions I feel since my loss. What lies ahead, i’ve no idea. If someone had told me this was going to happen i’d never have believed them. We just can’t change the past, as much as we may want too.
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Hi, no we can’t change the past but we can control the future, on a personal level at least.
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Don’t punish yourself, you did what you thought was right. You sound a good, kind person and you tried to do what her family wanted. I hope you can find a way through this awful time and start to slowly rebuild your life. Sending a hug and my best wishes to you .take care and be kind to yourself.
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This is weird saying it but strangely It’s comforting to know I’m not the only person who’s been dealt life’s rotten cards , it’s hard to not get bitter and spiteful to others who are just carrying on with their lives when I’m the one sitting alone at the table 1am and waking up alone in the morning - some people who were supposedly friend’s just don’t get it and inadvertently have the knack of saying things that only make you feel worse. What did I do that’s so bad to lose my soul mate just when we were absolutely having the best time and living our lives.
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