Another Bloody Day

Here we go then . . . .

That’s just how I’m feeling today. I suppose I’ve compounded the feeling by listening to some Country music before I got up, and we all know what most Country songs are about…love and loss. It’s almost like I needed to torture myself.
I’m going away for three nights in a hotel in the Lake District today and I’m not sure why. Why do I keep putting myself through these things? Maybe I think it will “do me good”. I can just hear my lovely wife saying it… If only!!

I’m in this club today to…well most days. Another 24 hrs to get through!! Try and enjoy your weekend away x

. . . . another bloody year . . .

I think I’m still measuring time in minutes and just concentrating on getting through them. The concept of years is just much too big at the moment.

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My sentiments exactly Edwin…

Yes think i will try to work on my mental health as this year starts,i seem to do the mundane things ok,eat,sleep if only 2 hours at a time,practical household stuff,sometimes on autopilot,but i realise my mental health could be stronger and improved,heres hoping you all find something this year,dont know what but something?xxx

This all sounds so familiar except today is worse. I have not eaten and can find nothing to make me want to see this afternoon let alone the next hour.

My thoughts are with everyone on this new year, as Edwin so aptly states “Another Bloody Year.” I am feeling as Bish, I have not eaten and really do not want to face another painful day, never mind another year. Well meaning people at work and others in my life said “Happy New year,” and “have a better year,” but how can that be possible when it is just more time between me and my beloved younger sister? She will still be gone, no matter what the calendar says. Time heals? I think not. Constantly in tears today, but will make a cuppa soothing lavender tea and try to distract myself from these painful thoughts and memories. Like Robina, I know I must also work on my mental and physical health, but first I must find the energy to do so. These past 7 months since I lost her, have sapped all of my strength. As Robina suggests, we all find something, anything, to help ease our pain this year.
I just want my sister back. Thank you for being here for me, and for each other as we struggle through this web of grief. My heart goes out to you all in your time of loss. Take care of yourselves. Here for you in 2019.
With caring thoughts. Sister2

As Sister2 I get these comments at work and also ‘did you have a good christmas’. I’m sure people aren’t intentionally thoughtless but when grief is so raw it does cut through you. I am going to seek professional help but in the meantime I am thankful for others sharing their experiences however painful. Thank you.

Hi Everyone.

I haven’t washed my hair for so long, I always took pride in my appearance, but haven’t the energy or the hope anymore. I function on auto pilot. I too have been asked about Xmas, I just say no, it was awful because my lovely Dad is dead.

Oh dear. We are all feeling very low. None of us can have the only thing that would put this right.
People die. That is a fact. We all knew that unyet were not prepared in any way for this pain. I ask myself why it has taken losing my child to understand what others have been through.
I hope we all manage to put our loved ones in our hearts and find some peace this year. X

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Like you Matella I never understood what grief was really like. I have lost close relatives but thought people had to just come through it. I never really gave close family or friends who were grieving much help. How selfish was I. Now I am grieving big time for my beloved husband who passed away in November. Regarding comments that really hurt, what about this silly thing from shops where they say ‘have a good day’, I feel like thumping them especially when one woman started calling me miserable while I was going through a moment where I was trying so hard not to cry. You know, when the grief hits you. Anytime, any place. I make a point of doing something everyday. Long walks with the dogs, gardening, growing vegetables. I’m decorating every room one by one. I can’t cope very well with shopping, what’s the point there’s only me. Start crying everytime I go in a supermarket. Just trying to get through each day without him. Wish it was a bad dream and I can wake up.

Hi I’m chris I know how you feel I lost dad a year ago today and most if not all the days have been awful since constant thoughts about him everything hurts. If you ever want to talk please do message back

I lost my dad suddenly years ago but I still dream about him. He was only 49 and a keen sportsman, never touched alcohol or smoked and a really lovely man, so why??? Anyway last night I dreamt about him. I wanted to dance with him as he was so good. It’s said that if you dream of a loved one who has passed they are visiting you from spirit world. I dream of dad often so I look forward to my dreams now to see who of my family is coming back to me. I ask my beloved husband to visit me every night before I go to sleep…

Im the same… Just been off for 2 wks as me n my late partner should of been in the Gambia… Took time off anyways… Back to reality tomoz n with no sleep either… When it will end bit i dont want it to end if it means its a bad dream n i can see my luve alec again… Thanks shazz x

Monday morning, 6 a,m.
Day 142.
First tears of the day wept as I awaken and realize once again that she is not here.
Here we go

I’m so sorry Edwin. It’s horrendous isn’t it. I’m the same. Each day begins with tears. And then we have to get going. With no desire to do so.

Where have the last four hours gone ?
Anyway, I’m out on the Plain with my dogs right now. Lovely winter sunshine casting strong, long shadows, chilly northerly breeze, but well dressed for it. Very little military activity at the moment - the artillery range is quiet, as are the rifle ranges at Bulford. A single armoured personnel carrier rattles by - the vehicle commander stands in his top hatch, we exchange waves of the hand, the dogs ignore him. He is swathed in clothing, his head and face completely covered, helmet, goggles, mask. I wonder what he is thinking ? Does he wonder the same about me ? I bet he isn’t eaten up with never-ending grief, Lucky soul.

This weather helps, just a little, to lift my earlier gloom. Roll on spring and summer !

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Love this Edwin,made me cry xx