Another horrible Weekend

I hate weekends, week days are bad enough but weekends are even worse, I find it so tiring finding things to do to keep myself Busy during the days (because this is what people say you need to do to get by) I cant keep this up much longer, I Lost my partner 3 months ago she was a very young 71 year old, and I am finding myself putting on a face (Sometimes) in front of people but when i get home I am banging the walls and worktops in frustration, I have just drove home from my daughters and seen couples walking together hand in hand and this makes my stomach turn over as i could see myself and my wife doing the same thing, only a few months ago, then I arrive home to a totally empty house to do the same old thing that I’ve done every night since my wife died ,and that is to kill time (Once again trying to keep myself busy) before I can go too bed, I cry each day for my wife and the tears are running down my eyes as i am writing this and thinking that tomorrow will be the same old ,same old as today, just wish I could change this somehow, Take Care xxx

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Hi @mickere I am sorry for your loss & I totally understand your frustration and helplessness in your days and weekends -things that we should have been doing are no longer possible and too many people made me feel that I was grieving past what was an acceptable amount of time & dwelling on things isn’t helpful

But I’ve found that trying to push always your feelings only makes them last longer
You are feeling everything that is valid and this group is ace for making you feel that your grief is something you can work through in your own way

X

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@mickere, I’m so sorry your having such a horrible time. Three months is so soon after losing you wife, I remember it being one of the worst periods of time. The funeral is over paperwork sorted and people just start dropping away.
Having the support and being with your family is lovely but then you have to go back home to an empty house.
It is not easy, I couldn’t settle to anything, easily got distracted couldn’t concentrate on TV for any length of time,
Felt totally lost without my husband, and like you I cried every night in frustration and desperation of anyone out there who would hear my calls of despair.
It’s not easy but for me I started walking, reading and listening to music, and I started going to my local community centre for coffee, helped me to make new friends. It’s takes time to adjust to being on your own but there does come a time of acceptance.
You’ve spent a lifetime with the person you love, stay strong and it will get easier in time. X X

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So sorry you are finding things weekends so hard it’s early days and just putting one foot in front of the other is an achievement in itself. Talk to your GP or look at whether counselling with either SueRyder or Cruse will help you make sense of how you are feeling. But most of all be kind to yourself try and eat well and sleep when you can. Take care

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@mickere I’m so sorry for your loss and how it makes you feel.

My mum passed away 2 days ago. Mum was 77. It was a shock given she was only admitted into hospital on the 10/4.

My dad is also 77. He hasn’t got much mobility - can walk around a home with a walking stick but he couldn’t walk 100 yds without stopping for a rest.

My parents home is in the Yorkshire Dales. My home is 40 mins away.

My dad is absolutely broken by my mums passing. Married 52 yrs and literally inseparable. Dads torn as to where to live in the future; stay at the family home that he built with his bare hands, or move to be within a stones throw of me, wife and his grandkids. Both have pros and cons. My dads disability (along with the fact my mum did everything at home) means he needs support (he welcomes a carer, but he also wants close family support), which lends itself to moving closer to me. But currently he feels relaxed and at home in his own house.

I feel immensely sorry for my dad. He has lost the one person that is his world, and now he feels as though he may not be able to live his remaining years in their home due to his disability and the feeling of being alone, and in fear of what this may do to him/make him feel in the longer term.

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Bless you it’s hard for you too . C died 5 months ago and both my sons live some distance away and talked about my moving to be near one of them too. I wasn’t sure either way and although enjoyed spending time with them wanted to be in my own home to
It’s hard and at times lonely but I’m able to grieve and cry without feeling I’m upsetting them. Perhaps in six months time I’ll feel differently and be ready to make a decision about the future.Its very early days for your dad and he needs time to grieve for your Mum just be there for him and be kind to yourself too your grieving too Take care x

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Thank you @Shirleymc.

We’re heading back to my parents home today for a ‘sleepover’ - our kids love their grandparents home and always enjoyed staying over with them.

My dads considering purchasing a second home within a stones throw of our home. He feels that by having options may make him feel more in control of where he wishes to live / temporary live.

But what me and my wife have told my dad is that he’s welcome to stay at our home for as long as he likes, and we will also stay at his home whenever we possibly can. Being with my dad helps us all get through this together.

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hello @mickere - I am 3 months in, too. Lost T in January. It is hard, isn’t it? The enormous absence. The stillness. The silent house. I know, my friend, I know. I see the couples, too. Everyone I know, pretty much, is coupled up. I was. You were. And now we are not. That hurts. It really does. But. As we wobble along each day, we are finding our way, even though it may not feel like it. For me, I am trying to accept invitations, create opportunities for work and social times that bring about connections. Mostly it works. I try and look outwards as much as I can and I talk to T all the time. That keeps him close. I feel his encouragement as I go. They won’t come back, that we can’t change, my friend. I wish with all my soul we could change that. But, what we can change, bit by tiny bit, is how we look out for ourselves now. So maybe today, this Sunday, be kind to yourself. Have that biscuit with your cup of coffee, or watch that film you’ve been meaning to see but haven’t yet. Anything that connects you with some thing for you. And remember, each day that passes is one day less before you see you wife again. We are moving towards those we have loved and lost, each second of each day. So take a breath, think of that, and take the next step forward. x

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I really wish I could help you, but what is happening to you is the same for me, I just wish there was an answer. People have said to me that time is a healer but I cannot see that. Keeping busy is the only answer I can see, housework I was amazed just how much there is to do on my own, we use to share it but secretly she did so much more. She was the secretary of our local history group and I have taken that over so that has been a help, it is incredible just how much she did. So perhaps we are in this long dark tunnel and waiting to see some light at the end of it.
Just like to wish you the very best.

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Hi MIckere,
Yes me to,…I dread weekends and especially bank holiday ones. Garden centres, parks, shops, cafes the list goes on are always packed with what appears to be happy couples. So I stay at home or meet up with a friend who has also lost her husband.
This morning I am going to see an Aunt who has just gone into a nursing home at 94 and will probably live to a 100. My wonderful husband and friend was taken at 68 years to cancer and was so brave but suffered dreadfully for months and I wonder how this could be…I really don’t know what the answer is to coping with this nightmare we find ourselves in but to know that we are not alone and that others are in the same situation and do feel for you.
I will be thinking good thoughts for all of us brave souls on this site this weekend.
Love Jenny

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Thanks, this site along with your reply really helps me knowing that people understand what we are going through. Thank You

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Weekends are hard and I dread them comimg around I’ve started voluntering at a local musuem to try and break the days up and it helps but you end up returning to an empty house which feels like another slap in the face. I wake up most mornings about 4.30 and struggle to get back off to sleep anxiety kicks in I feel.weepy but the tears won’t come don’t know how to deal with those feelings and I just want to go back to sleep and not have to face another long empty day any advice /ldeas would be appreciated Thank you

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I really wish I could help you because this is me, today I just don’t know what to do being bank holiday, everywhere will be busy, food is a problem because I don’t cook so where do I eat?
When I am out all I see is couples and some of them holding hands as we would. I really do hope there is a heaven because she is there, but I’m not sure. We made each other a promise that we would send a sign to tell each other that there is such a place but everyday I see nothing, we adored each other so she would do everything possible to let me know. They say talking about it helps but I just end up with tears.
Sorry but I do wish you well

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Bless you bank holdays are hard and seeing everyone going about their daily lives hurts ,you want to scream at them to cherish every moment because it can all be lost at a toss of a coin. I do cook for myself but have some frozen ready meals in the freezer for those days like today when I don’t feel like cooking. Iceland as well as all the Supermarkets have a good range and a good stand by is popping a baking potato in the microwave for abt 7 to 8 minutes and have it with butter, cheese, baked beans or tinned spagetti. Then tell her you’ve cooked it yourself. She is still with you in your heart so talk to her or write her a letter telling how you feel it might help you feel more in control of your emotions But most of all cut yourself some slack and tell yourself I’m doing Ok . Take care

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Thank you for your help and advice I’m sure this will be a big help xx

Oh Mickere, I do feel for you or you because you can see how much you miss your lovely wife. It must be so heartbreaking. I totally agree that weekends are the worst time. I lost my boyfriend/soulmate four years ago but time hasn’t really healed anything. Maybe I’m getting a bit more used to it but the grief doesn’t go away. Weekends are always worse because somehow things crop up more easily during the week, meeting a friend for coffee perhaps, food shopping, even medical appointments! But when it comes to Saturday and Sunday, outings associated with weekends like trips to a garden centre or going away somewhere nice in the country for a couple of days just don’t seem to make much sense on one’s own. It seems as if everyone is out there enjoying themselves but we are somehow excluded. What did help me at the outset was talking to other bereaved people. In my case, this happened through the local Hospice where many of my new friends’ partners had died. It can really help in making one realise that in that way we are not totally alone. I do hope you can find some solace, either as I did, or via this site or perhaps through other family members. I wish you well Mickere.

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Hi @mickere, Totally understand how you feel… I am only 9 weeks in and for me Sunday’s are the worst! when my husband of 40yrs died very unexpectedly my world changed dramatically. I don’t think any two people will feel the same as grief affects people differently and there is no right or wrong way or a time limit.

I have wonderful mates and friends and I cope week to week by making sure I have something to look forward too (social calender) I joined a local u3a and have been doing things that I always wanted to do but never found the time, while meeting new friends (there is always room for more)

Sadly our lives are never going to be the same just different… remember you are not alone it’s a very big club and getting bigger daily.

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Thank you for your reply it is so tough as my wife and we’re joined at the hip as we just did everything together.

I too struggle with weekends and bank holidays, 18 months in. I have no “family” as such, my friends are golden but most are still married or have families. I have tried talking to my friends to explain how alone you can feel at these times… hard for them to understand as they haven’t been through it.

What helps me is planning a to-do list so I’m not left with an empty day … it’s amazing what you can find to do, research family history, tidy the spare room cupboard, start a jigsaw…

It’s hard …. And 3 months in you probably don’t have the energy… just baby steps …

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Such good ideas ,Thistles. You talk about friends and it makes me want to ask the question on here about whether anyone else has lost friends as a result of their bereavement. I find some people just don’t know what to say. I wonder if this might be because my boyfriend and I weren’t married so people think it doesn’t really count, even though they know I adored him and he was my soulmate. Even my sisters never ask how I’m coping. I always ask them how they are and follow up after any events, including medical ones, in their lives but never once do they ask how I am. I find that very hard and don’t really know how to manage it.

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