Another long weekend of tears and despair is waiting for me (and a lot of us) but I start getting used to it. I injured my leg so I can only hop around and go by bus and shopping is difficult. I could shop online but I only use it to get heavy stuff in (fruit juices, milk, etc) and I use also shopping to get out of the house and to speak to someone. I am not driving and I do not want to burden my neighbours or my friend. They are all elderly and have their own problems and health issues. I am missing my husband to talk to and discuss any problem and missing his kisses and his wicked sense of humour and his hugs. I still cannot watch the films we wanted to watch together and even some stupid adverts make me cry because they use our songs or locations we were on holiday. It is now three months and eleven days since he left me and I am getting worse. I had health problems before but it now seems getting worse and our surgery is useless. Every time I hear the trains going by I think he is coming home soon. I feel so useless and feel guilty that I could not help him better. I failed him and still failing him because I cannot get my act together. Am I the only one who thinks that she failed his husband?
You really don’t need to feel guilty about letting your husband down, I’m sure he’d never have thought that. What you are feeling is almost universal for people who’ve lost someone very close or special to them. We all tick the same four or five boxes, some of them will fade with time and some, re emerge when you least expect them.
There are people think it glib when the advice: “be kind to yourself” is given but I’ve taken it to mean, don’t beat yourself up over things that you can’t change. I’m absolutely sure, your husband wouldn’t want you to do that.
I wish you solace in your grief.
You haven’t failed him so please don’t think you have, Three months eleven days and every one of those days has been the reliving of losing him. You must still be in shock and disbelief. It is still so recent that everyone on here will be saying that you are still at the beginning of the long journey that is grief. After 2 years and two months I thought that I was doing ok. But the sun is shining, people are enjoying this start of summer. and all I am doing is crying. I don’t cry every day now but going into the garden to enjoy the sun set me off. I can’t enjoy anything without him. Too many memories of sunny days, holidays, barbecues with friends. So I came in and watched telly. I prefer the winter now. This journey will take a long time. Your hubby has gone on his own journey and now you have a different road to travel. A long hard road. You haven’t failed him at all, what you are feeling is normal and most of us have felt it. As the months go by some days will be easier but on other days you will feel that you haven’t gone forward at all. I can only relate my own feelings and experience to you. Everyone is different but one thing that we must all remember is to be kind to yourself.
@Annaessex I know how you feel as lost my husband suddenly 5 months ago and keep feeling guilty that I didn’t notice that my husband was so ill. I was married to him for 25 years and think that I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t notice the weight loss. What type of wife does that make me. People say that my husband didn’t realise that he was so ill. He went to work every day and worked up to the day before he died. Maybe your husband didn’t realise that he was ill so why would you though still feel guilty. Wish I could of saved him but like people say out of my control. Miss him so much and feel so lonely without him
No youre not honey. I constantly go over how i couldve possibly helped my husband sooner ! But truth is i did … i took him to hospital a few times and they never investigated properly or else maybe he would be still here ? There were some red flags but they didnt investigate further - its the bloody crap NHS that let us down … for so many reasons ! I said to my daughter today i wonder if i should sue them … but it wont bring him back will it ?
Sitting in the garden in the sunshine is a trigger for me too. But it is something we both loved so i do still want to do it. I’m sure we all wonder if we had done something different it might have changed the outcome but we will never know. The advice be kind to yourself is so important. I have things planned for this bank holiday. I would prefer to be away with my husband but I will make the effort to get up, shower and maybe even put some make up on. My friend and i have signed up for a 13 mile charity walk for Alzheimers society. Her mum passed last year from this dreadful disease and my mum diagnosed at Christmas. So i have to get out and train for it. Talking and walking with my friend has helped. Sending love to everyone grieving.
I quite agree about the NHS is quite often to blame. My husband had lymphoma, from which is was in remission, in 2002. When he started to feel a bit ill last year he had various tests but nobody ever seemed to want to investigate if it was cancer. I did a lot of research as he started to loose a lot of weight, sweated a great deal and found walking difficult (this was a man whose main hobby was to go for long country walks armed with binoculars and a camera) and told him it looked like the lymphoma had returned. In January he got rushed into hospital because he couldn’t breathe but the staff were more intent on draining one of his lungs rather investigating any other possibilities. Eventually he was put on a ward, spent 2 days in A&E, where he caught covid and then some sort of brain infection. This was all down to the fact that his immune system was compromised because the cancer had returned. But they did nothing, they didn’t feed him or give him medication to help, just got annoyed with me because I wanted them to do something. Instead they seemed to give up. After about 3 painful weeks he was gone and I felt that I had been unfairly robbed of him. The staff were appalling, well they put him in a room on his own which basically meant they ignored him. I wanted to scream, shout, hit someone (and still do) as I believe they could have done so much more. Sorry about the rant but sometimes I just need to let it out.
As @Hazel.1966 said with all this fundng why cant they find cancer better ? I always thought it was better than it is but seems to be pretty 3rd world care to me !
And i know what you mean about wanting to hit someone ! Because they just dont seem to care do they ? And thats the problem with the NHS these days x
@Guineapig65 I feel the same about being let down by NHS. I still have a lot of anger inside. Sending a big hug to you.x
Totally hear you this was my feeling and despair for the first 2 months and once in awhile even now 5 and a half months on why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I save my beautiful husband. I received his awful diagnosis of Amyloidosis 31 days after his death and with everything I’ve learnt about this cruel, awful rare disease since i know that the odds were against me and him. It doesn’t stop the guilt just numbs it somewhat. He would never have coped with the brutal treatment regimes and would I’m sure refused the raft of chemicals and side effects that would have awaited him. I take some comfort in that. I talk to him everyday out loud and have our conversations repeat in my head. I too can’t bear watching the many films we watched every night of our lives together nothing is fun anymore…as you say the long weekend looms!! I will probably try to avoid the immobilisation that comes from the inertia of grief that strikes in the evenings and at weekends. I wonder around shops wondering who else in here looks and is feeling lonely and pointless…but you buy the items and move on…staying strong is exhausting but that’s what my husband would expect of me and for the most part I am…to everyone lets do our best to have a good long weekend going to try but no promises…love and hugs yes another bad day thanks for reading my rant
I am so terribly sorry for what you are going and have been through but no, definitely no, you are not failing your husband. Grieving for him is the biggest sign of all of the love you shared, if you didn’t grieve for him I would wonder why.
I am the same as you, I don’t drive, never wanted to so rely on online shopping and taxis to get me here. there and everywhere. I think sometimes that my family have forgotten I exist. Our eldest son who lives a long way from me takes me on holiday for a few days every couple of years which I really appreciate, but our youngest son who only lives 15 minutes away, prefers to visit me in my own home which annoys me as I spend all my days in my home never seeing a soul. I just wish he would invite me out for lunch or afternoon tea or just for a couple of hours on the park so at least I have someone to talk to. I get texts now and again and many times WhatsApp messages with a photo of him and his family holding up glasses saying “cheers mum”.
I think #### off, he has forgotten all about the money I gave him when he got divorced and his ex wife took everything in the house whilst he was working away as well as his two boys, and left him with an empty house which I fully re-furnished for him and bought him groceries etc. to stock up his cupboards. (I also gave his brother the same amount of money I gave to his brother as he said it wasn’t fair that his brother got all that money so he should have the same).
I was talking to my next door neighbour this morning, I haven’t seen her for weeks, and she was complaining about her family, her daughter has moved to Australia and her son never rings her or visits her, what the hell is wrong with our middle aged children, we used to look after our parents, take them shopping, decorate for them do their gardening and visit them during the week and have them over to stay at our home on a regular basis. I honestly feel like changing my will and leave everything to a child and animal charity.
Aw know what you mean thry just dobt look afyer oatents anymore fo they ? I think were an inconvenience:( and next time your son comes to visit - TELL him you are gonna go out somewhere cos that’s what you want to do !! Xx my son is brainwashed by his wife and does EVERYTHING for her all time. Ive not seen him for 4 months since my husbands funeral x
Dear Merle, the coroner told me that if he would be diagnosed earlier the outcome would be the same as the cancer already spread to other organs but he would suffer from the treatments and would die in a hospital away from me. So it is a mixed blessing - he died in our home and I was there but left me traumatized seeing him on the floor. He told me that he loves me, fell over, and was unconscious until he died. I saw him at the funeral home and he looked peaceful and that gave me a kind of peace because I did not want that horrible memory of him lying on the floor. Now I have him at home in our bedroom and kissing and hugging his urn. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I laugh. Sending you lots of love and strength to carry on. Hugs from Anna
Sorry about typos - "they dont look after parents anymore " i meant ! Im only 61 … huh x
So sorry for your loss but also happy for you that you have some measure of peaceful thoughts about your husband’s passing. I too viewed Robin in the funeral home and he looked peaceful and very little of the ravages of his last month…it gave me calm and comfort. I have a beautiful Urn, photos of him and of us and all the cards I received are still on top of the piano…keep thinking I should take the cards down, stop wearing his watch. scarf and socks but can’t help myself so will just continue I wasn’t with him when he passed but woke at the appointed time and still wake at that time if I’m not already awake…reading your encounter I’m happy that he was in hospital and so was spared the trauma you live with. My birthday was mixed last week not having my cuddle, hugs and kisses…but we all have beautiful memories to hold on to. Sending you love and hugs
Dear Merle, thank you for your reply. Although I am still traumatized about seeing him dying in such a matter I am actually glad that I was with him and he was at home. I sat with him the whole time after the ambulance workers were finished with him then the police came around and at last the funeral director picked my husband up. My parents died in my arms but they were both at the hospital and because of that there was no coroner involved. I was so shocked to have been told that he had Kidney cancer - a type of silent cancer with no or light health troubles til it is too late for treament. from Anna
I never got the chance to be with my husband when he suddenly died at home as miss the phone call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. My phone was on silent and I was doing the Christmas shop. I checked my phone to see that I had 2 miss calls from my son. Time I got home he was gone. When he collapsed my husband told my son not to phone me as didn’t want to worry me. I got home even before the ambulance arrived. I put in a complaint in because the caller didn’t stay on the phone with my son to instruct him to do tests on my husband and instruct CPR because my son sounded calm even though he told them that dad was not responding and not sure if he was breathing. The report came back to say that my son rang 999 at 9.39 and they answered at 9.43. disgusting. I know that the outcome would of been the same but my son wouldn’t of seen his dad die and I wouldn’t of come home to seeing my lovely husband dead. I did CPR but too late. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t there with my husband when he died. So bloody hard he also had kidney cancer which he didn’t know about xx
Sincere condolences to you and your family sending love and hugs
So many sad stories for us all xx