I had a terrible night again. Tossing and turning thinking about my beloved husband (I am missing him so much), and worrying about the future. This morning just crying and shaking all over the place. I am on my own. Yesterday I went out to go shopping. I had to take a different bus back because I did not want to wait for my usual bus any longer. That particular bus goes to Asda a shop my husband regularly used for local shopping and it also used most of the streets we drove to Grays and back. I am trying to avoid this bus because of the painful memories but my hay fever was very bad, I was tired and the shopping bags were heavy. I cried a bit but actually, I was not too bad. Today is completely different and another lonely weekend is coming up with Father’s Day on Sunday. I always got him a nice card and a present. Now I only can give him my tears and despair. And going out for a walk makes it worse. Hopefully, later I can pull myself together and get a bit of housework done. Something I wanted to do anyway for a long time. Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone.
So sorry to hear you’re struggling, and worrying about the future, it’s so hard without them. It’s six months without him for me and although I put a brave face on and do the things that need doing all I really want to do is run home and cry by myself. Today as it was so sunny I decided to go to the beach and have an ice cream but I stayed 5 minutes it just wasn’t the same without him beside me. Big hugs to you I hope you manage to get the house work done, but if you don’t, tomorrows another day.
Thank you Sandyo. I really did my housework and even put the washing on but I was crying the whole time. Later a friend came over and we had a chat. But to be honest I wanted to be on my own. Sometimes I just cannot handle having people around me. Sending lots of love and hugs.
@Annaessex sorry you are having a bad day. Life really is a struggle. This week I have my grandson’s birthday, my birthday & father’s day 
. I feel I’m struggling more than I was weeks ago. Another sunny weekend too. We just have to take one day at a time and keep chatting on here. Sending hugs.
@Jan17 . Birthdays abd special days are so tough aren’t they. This month my husband’s birthday was 1st June * he was retiring ). Our 47th wedding anniversary was 12th June. And of course father’s day coming up. I miss him so much.
@Freefaller these special days are really hard. I Hope you got through yours not too badly. It was my husband’s birthday in May and I found the run up to it worse than the actual day. This journey is so hard and lonely. Sending hugs.
Hi, it was our 41wedding anniversary today ,the second one without my beautiful gorgeous husband. Just a normal Friday for everyone at work. While my heart was breaking all over again. I couldn’t tell anyone ,as I would of just started crying , and maybe never of stopped.its been an awful day. We always went to the beach and had fish and chips and then a greasy kiss. It doesn’t sound much ,but very romantic for us .our special thing. I still can’t even think of going to the beach without him . 21 lonely months without my darling. And sorry to say not getting any easier. Xtake carex
@Broken2222 that is so sad and I really feel for you. Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most and therefore hurt the most. I haven’t experienced our anniversary yet (only nearly 11 weeks for me) but I have my birthday, my grandson’s birthday and father’s day this week and it’s so hard. Sending hugs
@Jan17 , oh dear such a lot for you in one week, it’s hard getting through each day without it being a special day . And of course these special days you can always remember clearly what you did on those days in the past years when you had your husband with you , and as I call it my happy life. I know nothing anyone can say or do will make it any easier for you . But sending you a hug and thinking of you . Xtake carex
This resonates with me it would have been our 44th anniversary on 02 June and I too went to work and didn’t tell anyone. I had a wobble at lunch time and nearly went home with a ‘headache’ but I stuck it out until I got to my car and then sobbed all the way home. The beach was our special place to and I went yesterday to get an ice cream, bit it was all too much. I went home after 5 minutes because I thought the family on one side and the couple on the other side would probably think it was a bit strange to see a middle aged women crying over her ice cream. My daughter is organising a memorial bench to be placed at our favourite beach spot and I hope one day I will be able to sit there and only remember the good times. It’s been six months but it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Hugs to you all x
All my love to you all, the feeling of loss you all have resonate with me.
Our favourite place was the river front at canvey island. I have not been able to go there since losing Frances last May. My children, both middle age now, went and walked the beach on the day their mum died.
Every where I drive in Essex brings the tears flowing, so many memories I miss her presence so much. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
I know the feeling to avoid familiar places. I still cannot go to the local Asda (just a bus ride away. I even could walk there it is about 30 minutes walk) or Lidl (only by bus or train and a long walk). My husband used them regularly. I had to take a different bus 66 from Grays to go home on Thursday because I was not feeling right and my normal bus 73 had a longer wait. So I took the bus 66 which takes a route my husband mostly took and also stops at our local Asda. I started crying because the memory was too much for me but because of my hay fever (runny eyes and nose) nobody noticed and to be honest, I would not care if they would notice. It is my pain, my tears, and my despair. Sending lots of love and hugs.
@Sandyo I must say you did well actually going to the beach. Hopefully when you get your husband’s special bench there,it will be a place where you can find some peace and remember the good and happy times. I knew it wasn’t worth saying anything at work , they really don’t understand . I’m sure they think I have had long enough to (get over) my husband’s death. How little they know about true love , and how lonely and horrible it is trying to live a life with the biggest and best part of me missing . Sending hugs .All xtake carex
@broken2222 The worst part in the office is hearing them criticise their partners and thinking you’d give anything just to have one more day with yours. They don’t understand but then I don’t think you can until your happy world is ripped apart like ours. Take care all hugs
I recognise everything you are describing and can totally understand the pain. I’m trying to get on with things but I cry a lot and then feel so lonely, for my husband and feel best in his garden, which I now look after. He only died 9 weeks ago so I don’t know if I’ll ever feel better. I just wanted to thank you for sharing what’s happening to you… I feel like I’m the only one feeling like this and that I’m going completely mad. I am thinking of you🤗
Dear Lins, crying takes such a lot of energy that I cannot do much anymore. I lack the motivation to carry on with the paperwork to claim the widow’s pension and company pension. What is the point? My husband died suddenly four months and four days ago and since then I am just a crying and shaking bundle of despair. We were about 26 years together, married 15 years and four months. It is a horrible nightmare we are all going through. I know that feeling of going mad. It is so horrible and there is no way out. Every time I wake up I think why do I wake up? What is the point to carry on? I am on my own. Every day is a struggle. Do you have any support? It does help to speak about the feelings in this forum. Sending lots of love and hugs.
@Lins I am so sorry that you have lost your husband and struggling so much. 9 weeks is still very early days. I lost my husband suddenly 6 months ago today. He was 53 years old and we had just celebrated our wedding anniversary. His life was robbed and our future plans and dreams have gone. I do wonder every day what is the propose of life as I got nothing to look forward to. The rawness of the pain has gone and so is all the crying. I feel a different pain now. A deeper pain. I miss my husband so much and still can’t believe that I will never see him again. Didn’t get a chance to say goodbye and that I love him. Life is indeed unfair and cruel. I hope that you are having support from family and friends. Take one day at a time. Sending lots of love and hugs xx
Hi everyone im 9 weeks in lost my partner of 17 years and know how your feeling im on my own most of the time too .But this site and you good people make me feel so supported .With no judgment and only love and understanding .i dont have time any more for so called people who drain me of the little energy ive got .So im relying more on myself and one good friend and although its lonely and hard im less stressed now ive cut them out of my life You will all get stronger little by little too .keep posting and we will get through this together love to everyone .Hope 5 xxx.
Thank you Hazel, I don’t think anyone other than us can understand the real pain and feeling of despair we feel. I sat with my beloved husband for a week in his room in hospital, fortunately his lovely daughter was there too… we helped each other… so we could say goodbye, hold his hand and in the end he passed so peacefully but despite having gone through all of that I can’t believe he has really gone and I’ll never speak to him or he can never smile at me again… For him it was a release from the cruelty of Dementia, and I know he’s now free and at peace but I feel heart broken…… my close friends think I’m coping but I’m not. He was my whole life, we never had children together and I’m lucky his daughter is so loving and supportive but she lives in another country. It feels so sad at the moment 
Hi Anna, thank you for your kind words, I do know what you are going through. Yes I have good friends and his daughter. We have a very close, loving relationship…. I think she wants to take care of me like her dad did, which is very comforting , but she lives in another country and has her own family. I just find myself constantly running through our entire life, looking at photos, videos and 1000s of iPad photos of holidays and things we did together… it feels like I’m trying to pull it all back. I’ve read a lot and do know it should get easier, but at the moment it just gets harder each day. I do keep very busy but it feels manic at times. I don’t have the balance he gave me, even though I was his carer for the last 2 years we still had such fun together and he was my only love.