I was with my partner for only 13 months but it’s so hard to stop thinking of what could have been. He died in January this year but feels like he’s still there at the end of a phone.
As he was having cancer treatment he kept our relationship secret so his family only met me when he was near the end of his life. I was invited to his funeral and treated as his companion but it was hard sitting alone and watching the service although they were really kind to me. I kept in touch a bit with his brothers but they stopped returning my texts. Understandable I guess as they want to move on themselves but I’m finding it hard.
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Hi Paris, like everyone on here I know what you are going through. I lost my wife, Penny, last year , after 50 years but now my life is good again, although there are still odd tearful times.
You mentioned that you are wondering how your life would have been. Starting from today, with the situation as it is today, how would you like your life to be.
That’s what I did, and I wrote it down as a plan. It had in there things such as, I’ll continue to live in our house, my life would be frugal so I would never have money worries, become a gentle daft old man (like Foggy Dewhurst) give her little dogs the best life possible, continue to get better at playing my guitars and ukuleles etc etc.
Whenever I begin to doubt the future. I go back to this plan.
PS I think Ive achieved everything on.the list. Onwards and upwards.
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I think feeling lost is a normal part of grief. I too lost my partner in January. However it was sudden and totally unexpected. Now, today, I have a life worth living. I still have waves of grief and I embrace this time and it passes.
I’m still lost. As a planner and liking routine and knowing what’s coming and where I’m going, i feel like I’m treading water sometimes and hate the insecurity that life without my best friend brings.
This site has been a saviour and put me in touch with some really good people that have softened the blow off my loss. The people I have met keep me sane and share in my loss and understand it, as I understand theres.
Often I remember to go back to one day at a time and not think too hard.
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Yes it is good to have a plan.
I thought what would I like to do but found doing it very hard.
Making decisions is tough.
Feel so so wobbly without my husband. I did put veg in the garden only a small goal but did achieve it.
Did go away on holiday and it was a mixture really of partial how I wanted it to be.
I did get a bit more confident driving but not as good as I wished.
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Thank you. I guess I dont understand having such sorrow as we only had 13 months and didnt see each other very often as he had 2 teenage sons to look after, ( his wife died within 6 weeks of a cancer diagnosis two years before) and his many trips to the hospital and work.
Being a good father he kept me a secret as he didnt want to upset the boys and the rest of the family. They couldn’t believe he had someone who loved and cared about him. I met his mum at the crematorium!
I do go out quite a lot and have taken a few holidays alone and with friends.
It’s hard for friends to understand as we were together for such a short time that they didnt get to meet him. It was just so nice to have someone who cared about me that it didnt matter that we saw each other infrequently but we texted to keep in touch.
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Today was a good start for me by joining this group.
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Yes it is a good start to join this group I hadn’t thought of it at the time I did. Think good to make baby steps towards maybe later set bigger goals as you get confident and reward yourself in some way. Trouble is other people who are not in same boat or grieve differently try to pressurise me to fit in with their perception of how they think but in reality I find not everyone reacts in the sam
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Morning Enorac. Yes, we all grieve differently but small steps and think how proud your husband would be tucking into a delicious soup with a homegrown veg.
We’re lucky having had partners who suited and loved us for however long we had them. I’ve never had anyone look at me like he did and what a stroke of luck as we met when we were 65 and had a year.
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Planning things without them I find really difficult, but I do. I have organised to have a drive built out the front so that next year I can get a car and not have to worry about having somewhere to park it. The car will also enable me to be more independent, I hope. I’ve yet to go on a holiday, my husband died in February so it’s all been a bit of a blur, but hope to take my daughter and her family next year to Disneyland Paris (assuming she sorts out passports for them!). I have had the odd day out, mostly on my own, and today I am going up to London to a Disney exhibition. I must admit I’m a bit terrified about going somewhere different even if I have been up to London a couple of times before on my own since Keef died. I just hope that I don’t get too wet. Part of me would rather stay in, particularly as it’s raining, but if I don’t go I will be really cross with myself.
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Hi Ali. I think the first year must be the hardest as we go through all the birthdays, Valentines Day and Christmas as we celebrate alone even when we’re with friends.
I go back to memorable days and relive a special
dinner or our outing to the Van Gogh immersive show and have photos all over the place. In time I’ll take some of them down as I won’t need to see him all around me.
As you’re an organiser, do you plan outings with friends as people LOVE an organiser. I’m a member of The Ramblers and usually go once a week, walking in the countryside or in Central London. Fresh air and chats with different new people are very cathartic as it’s informal, and you might never see them again unless you join a group. They’re all over England, and there will be a group in your area. I’m so glad you have a life worth living as your partner would have wanted that for you.
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Well done doing new things and don’t let the weather stop you. Think about some retail therapy and get yourself a nice new outfit. The shops look lovely at this time of year. I work in Chelsea one day a week and have to force myself to walk past. It gives our moral a boost even if it’s short lived.
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Well the rain is putting me off and it doesnt take much for me to give up.
It has stopped now. I look a mess. I have been tearful. Last week I walked into this morning coffee cafe at a Chapel in next village. Got a little cake and cup of tea. Sat and got my knitting out to try and busy myself alone. My husband used to go with me there before the pandenic but we only went once again before he died.
It was hard.
I will have drive there again if I go. Been looking at options
I chickened out driving through rain in dark to go swimming at a public school seven miles away this morning.
Only go 8f you feel like it. Im going to do an online yoga or pilates class with a girl called Nicole. Half an hour and fills a gap in the day and does you good.
It was a rather soggy day but I had a brilliant time and really pleased I made myself go. Only little problem I had was that one little girl kept coming up to me for help as she thought I was working there, when I said no she assumed it was my day off! It seemed like a long journey to get there but enjoyed the exhibition so much. Of course I bought a couple of things for the grandkids, but why wouldn’t! Doing this today has made me feel a bit better and has definitely boosted me. Next adventure if on Friday when my sister takes me to an early music festival.
Fantastic. Good for you and always accept invitations to try something new. Can you join some doet of club, walking or exercise class or U3A? They do loads of things like languages, theatre outings, bridge and even knitting. Are you in London as I only know about this part of the country.
Youve probably done you Christmas shopping for the little ones now.
Enjoy your music show on Friday.
Well I did go for short time drove to next village but not sure it was worth it as too many there at widow’s cafe for my liking bur x ing fingers won’t get covid now. I went on church o
Oh dear last message was sent off again before could finish sentence and correct typos. I meant to say church was empty. but nice to get to look round and memories of happy time when my son was christened there. Pretty ride through Autumn leaves and walk. I did talk to lady who said it was 8 years ago her husband died and she went to a group for others at age uk for widows at first. She said never get over it only learn to live with it which is true. Good to talk how different people move on as she downsized by a year later but I couldnt contemplate that as havent even sorted out half what need to let alone all that to cope with as well but was talking last week and people saying didnt want to do that either. But all different. But makes you think there are different ways people do. I got some nice cards that people had made useful for xmas and then tried to plant daffs but did not get very far so decided to try to put in a few at a time in between showers. The field was very soggy and before I knew it nearly went over my shoes so quickly moved away. I have been researching some more online things to do too.
I must admit really like it that way especially using zoom. I keep getting bothered to sign up but wont unless free. Because I have been trying to reduce costs not increase in the cost of living. I decided to look up an old friend I had lost contact with and I got so far and then cant get free access to search without paying for credits. I know if I go to the library and join again I can do it free. Then it had a quote pop up for loads no way right scam. As if? I have already wasted loads when my son wouldnt go on holiday and I had paid for him and wasted the money. I had only said he needed a new shirt and it put him off. So moving on is not plain sailing. Can only say trying to cope without other half is rocky but of course some people have always been on their own and not always by choice. I used to live in London and recall how there was lots more things available there. But with online it has opened everything up. I used to be in the U3A and had a look again at what is going on now.
They had a book and jigsaw swop on which I did not go to but could have as it was open to anyone. There is a memorial service outside. I used to go years ago. All the poppies and folk put little crosses on graves as well. I might go if nothing else is on. My grandsons in the parade now as they have joined cubs. Reminds me of my sons when they used to be in the parade.
Whatever you do does have these memories to cope with and is bitter sweet.
Many times, Penny and I spent holidays in Anglesey, and created many memories in many of our favourite places there.
When she died 18 months ago, I felt I would never want to go again without her.
Fortunately times change, and we learn to cope better and better.
So last month, I hired a shepherds hut on the island, and took her (our) two little dogs for a few days. I deliberately went to our favourite places, and just sat, thinking of the times we were there together. What a mish mash of emotions!! A few tears, a few regrets, but by far the most important emotion was that I had a huge amount of happy memories, and it was as if she was beside me watching the dogs playing and going berserk.
The whole experience was really cathartic, and since I came home Ive been happier and stronger.
I think the point is that I deliberately faced my fears that it would be very upsetting, it wasnt, it made me much happier. I’ll go back regularly to revisit the memories, and smile more (we can have happy tears!)
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I go to a History Club locally and through that will be going to a Christmas Dinner in December. I’ve boked to go to the theatre with my sister in January, so that’s something to look forward to after Christmas. I’m also, apparently, going Christmas shopping next week with one of my friends, but not sure now as she’s not been great/helpful lately so I’m trying to work out a shopping trip with my daughter. I do lots of things at home, I’ve never been overly sociable, and have actually signed up to the Open University to start an MA next year. I also plan to join a choir next year, but that’s still a work in progress. I actually live in East Kent so do visit London quite a bit as I originally came from there.
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Yes that was good to hear you faced your fears by going where you used to go.
Everywhere I go he was there with me.
I can imagine it too.
Most of my time alone just memories.
Finding it hard getting freaked out again now COVID has decided to be more a risk as fewer people vaccinated. Spoils it and puts me off. Start to get careful again. I know I am not in the majority but we are all different.
Start to use it as an excuse again to not do what I never cared for anyway. Say to myself just keep away for can’t cope with that if I can avoid it