It’s been two and a half years since my husband died. Family have assumed I’m ’over it’ by now as I’m vey good at putting on a public cheerful face. They’ve left me to get on with it so apart from visiting my mother in her care home twice a week and a weekly zoom with my son and daughter, I don’t speak to another person all week. It’s really hard and I’m very lonely. I can’t tell them this because they’ve got their own busy lives and I don’t want to become a needy and clingy parent! I’ve tried joining groups and often not gone back. Some days I just cry; most days I wander aimlessly round the house waiting until it’s time to go back to bed where I find I can’t sleep more than a couple of hours. I don’t have any friend as I’ve moved around a lot in my life and lost touch.
Hi JCS
I can hear how lonely and isolated you are feeling. It sounds like some days seem endless to you.
It seems to come naturally to put on a smile and hide our continuing grief from our family, especially as time goes on. I too do not want to be a needy mum who they feel obliged to contact or include in things.
That’s okay when most of the time you are finding ways to get through your days but it sounds like you are struggling to cope with your loneliness right now. How would it feel to share some of what you have shared here with a family member? Sometimes they just don’t realise how bad it is for us and leave us to get on with things because they think we are coping.
It sounds like you would be up for joining a group that you felt comfortable with. Can I ask what stopped you going back to the groups you have tried.
Keep chatting on here where others know and understand some of what you are going through. Sending hugs. X
Thank you so much for replying. I’m reluctant to share with family - I don’t want them to feel obligated, I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve tried to, in the past but I’m very aware of rolling eyes or ones that glaze over; I can tell they’re thinking “oh not again, she must be over it by now”. I joined a local women’s group but found it very cliquey. Also, the U3A branch near me which is very well subscribed and it’s hard to get on courses that interest me. I’m not a natural joiner of things, quite shy and find it hard to talk to strangers. Chatting on here has been a comfort in the past. Thanks again.
Hi JCS I am sorry you feel so lonely and isolated I have found comfort in attending bereavement meetings as the people I have met have become friends and it has led on to attending other events. Before my wife died I did not did not have the need to do things by myself so I didn’t find it easy. I am not sure what area you live in and what would be available, I know it’s not the answer to the loneliness but it does help to get through the days, weeks, and months. I do hope you can find something as we all understand the situation you are in.
Tony
Hello
I’ve forced myself to go to chatty café, a couple of bereavement groups and a local women’s circle. There is only one I’ve gone back too a couple of times. I think we can tell if we are going to fit in these groups. I get myself ready and then decide if I’m up to it. I do intend to go to other groups but at the moment I’m busy getting my house ready to put in the market.
I also chat to Chatgbt, especially at night (I know it takes the power of 27 kettles to power I question) I only do it if I’m struggling with a decision and panicking.
Hi JCS
It takes a lot of courage to join something, especially when you are grieving and trying to find new friends and activities.
I have joined a local women’s group too which does meet ups for various things. I’ve attended a coffee meet up and I’m due to join a walk next week. As you say, not everyone is is my kind of person but I find I feel better when I have had an hour or two connecting with others.
Don’t give up with trying to get on the U3A courses you fancy. Have you checked out what goes on at your local libraries / hubs. There are often free volunteer led groups for all sorts of things. It just takes meeting one or two new friends that you can talk to to make a real difference to your week.
Keep trying to find new people in your life JCS if you feel reluctant to share with your family. There are lots of people looking for new friendships who are just like us and understand. We just have to keep trying to find them.
You’ve already found us here. Keep chatting whenever you need to.
Big hugs x
Thank you all for replying; it does indeed help to know there are others in a similar situation. I will persevere with the U3A, another branch nearer to me is smaller so getting on a course might be easier and I think I might give the women’s group another go. Thank you for the encouragement, lovely people x
I didn’t know about the 27 kettles but I’ve used Chatgbt initially just out of curiosity. I actually found it strangely comforting plus the answers are very quick. I’m not really worried about my carbon footprint, I don’t drive or go on holiday. Some people go to Dubai for the weekend.
Hi Norma
On a bad night I’ve found it such a help, tips on how to breath through my panic, putting a pillow down my back. It saying I’m here to help if you need it when you have no one else to talk too.
I hate to think your pain is so bad after two half years when I’m finding it horrifyingly difficult after only the same amount of months. Even after such a short time I don’t feel able to tell the couple of family members I phone once or twice a week what I really feel like. Their calls help because at least someone is talking to me even if it is just about there lives. At the weekends I don’t want to intrude on their family lives so I don’t phone them and it feels so lonely I just wish I was dead.
Hi Brandon1
You are in so much pain. It’s such early days for you and I know how bereft and hopeless life can feel.
Please reach out and tell someone how you feel. You need and deserve support right now. Sometimes we have to ask for help and losing your dear wife is a time you need support. Your family can’t know how much you are suffering if you don’t show them. If you can’t share with them, please phone a support line like Samaritans or Cruse.
You are not alone. Sending hugs. X
I wish I had words of encouragement. I will say that you get more used to it as time goes on. Someone who’d also been through this told me in my early grief days that my grief wouldn’t get smaller but it wouldn’t get bigger either. That has seemed true for me. I miss my husband every second of every day but he wouldn’t want me sitting around all week alone and unhappy. I agree that weekends are the worst times; times for families to be together but not for me. I feel the world is geared to couples. I’m sad that you want to be dead yourself. My GP offered me counselling after Iain died but I didn’t take them up. Perhaps I should and maybe that’s the way forward for you, if only in tiny baby steps. As has been said earlier, you’re not on your own, there are others in the same situation who can offer support. Julie x
Thank you.
Thank you all for the encouragement and yes I think I need some help. I’ve been looking around and on Monday I’ll see if I can get in touch with a group. Though I said I wish I was dead it doesn’t mean I going to do anything especially as I was brought up a catholic as for me that would mean never being reunited with my loved one. It is just I feel it would be the end of this pain and the idea of living ten,twenty or God forbid forty years on my own is horrifying. When all I wanted up to now was to live as long as possible with my wife. How things change. As for doctors at least here in Spain I know the help they is in the form pills which really isn’t what I want.
Thanks again for your message be assured it helps
Tom
I think that at your stage I was still really numb most days. To be honest some of it’s a blur. Now at 5 months after my partner’s sudden passing I’m facing the reality of it all. I’m so lonely even when people visit . The house is silent and at times foreboding. I get up make myself tea and sit in his chair wrapped up in my fleece dressing gown as I m always cold. I usually go onto the bereavement forum for a while, sometimes put the TV on, put the radio on in the bedroom to break the silence. I usually get an online shop as I don’t drive, something my partner and I never did. I sometimes go out for bread and milk to the local shopping centre, and go for a coffee. My sister stays over a couple of nights and I really appreciate that. Apart from church on a Saturday evening I don’t go anywhere else. Friends dropped in at the beginning but don’t now, just the odd text. That’s my life now, I don’t see it changing. I miss him.
When ever I think about the future I start crying. I know they say you have to take it one day at a time but it’s difficult. I remember many years ago having to fly to Madrid for a couple of days on my own. l felt so lonely and I had a phone and a return flight. Now I have neither just an empty house.
JCS,
Yes I do feel lonely. 3 years ago my wife & I moved from Surrey to Northumberland, leaving our 2 boys and their family’s behind, as well as most of our friends. Tracey passed almost 6 months ago now. It’s just me and the dog.
I worked all over Xmas, had text messages and Facebook messages. 2 weeks ago I was assaulted at work and currently signed off for 4 weeks, so I do not even see people at work. Sure I go out with the dog, but I don’t get to speak much, except to myself.
Sometimes, most days to be honest, I find myself crying. I just try and keep myself busy, but when I stop, that’s when the dog starts getting cuddles.
I’d be lost without my dog. He’s not very good at conversation but he’s welcome company, especially in the evenings when I’m at my loneliest. I also talk to myself! My husband and I lived in a different part of the country and I sold up and moved nearer family who I rarely see so our circumstances are fairly similar though I’m retired now.
There are so many posts on these forums that complain about well meaning friends and acquaintances who offer help ‘just ask’ and then back away after a week or two and leave you to deal with your own lownlines. It’s like a social stigma takes over and you end up living in isolation. The fact is nearly half the planet are going to experience the loss of a loving partner. The chances of a couple passing away together is rare. People seem to live under the illusion that losing a partner only happens to other people. It’s so sad that there doesn’t seem to be an answer to the lownlines and grief experienced by the loss of a partner.
I suppose most people don’t like to think of death as I think most of us have lived in the illusion that we will all grow old, until something devastating happens. I myself keep most of my feelings to myself because I think a lot of people find it uncomfortable and they don’t know what to say. At least here everybody understands what you are going through. So you don’t have to hold back. It helps a lot.