So sorry how your feeling a year in and feeling exactly the same people seem to think we’re over it how can this be. I still have friends avoiding me friends of 30 years I just couldn’t do this I would be there for them. I know now we are truly on this journey alone except for every one on here. Hope your days get a little easier xx
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bluecatmum77
I understand completely and to be honest none of our family and friends will get it unless or when it happens to them because I didn’t get it for my mum or my sister.
This pain is utter s**t and we do not deserve this.I don’t know how I will survive the next day let alone a week or month so I can’t help you in this way, all I know is you have helped me when I have been at rock bottom so I hope I can give you strength to get through tonight and tomorrow.
How strange that I haven’t met any of you in person but you have become an important part of my messed up life,
Virtual hugs 
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@Quarterman strange isn’t how we can bond and rely so much on people we’ve never met
@Bluecatmum77 none of us know how we will get thru tomorrow but we will. It might be a tough day, it might not, it might be a bit of both. We are all here to pick each other up
@FleurDeLis beautiful photos. You looked so happy. I am so sorry
Today I honoured John’s wishes re some of his good watches. I felt numb but glad I did what he wanted. Yesterday I arranged for his cars to be collected next Tuesday and taken to the auction that’s on Bangers & Cash TV programme. I will be sad to see them go but relieved. Seeing them every day is a reminder of him not being here to look after them
Small steps is all we can do and ride the waved. Love and hugs to you all my dear friends 
x
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@FleurDeLis lovely photos of a very good looking twosome. I have noticed your caring nature on here. So sad you are amongst us, and could not have more years together with your man.
@Ron your wife looks so lovely and happy in that photo. Gorgeous smile!
@Bluecatmum77 so sorry you are having such a bad time. I know like all of us you are struggling and in a bad place. Are you feeling worse since starting the antidepressants? They do not suit everyone, although they do help some, but they do sometimes make people feel even worse. Please consider talking to your GP again, there may be an alternative you can try.
I am going to try and get motivated to go through some more bits and pieces this evening. I know some people have not been able to sort through things. My hand was forced somewhat, but I have found it therapeutic in some ways. I have given a lot of items away, and am pleased that others will hopefully get good use out of them. As the charity shops are shut I have been putting clothes in charity bins. Some furniture and household items I have advertised on Facebook, and other things have gone outside the house with a “free” sign on. The majority of things that I have put out have been taken. I have piles of things all over the place at the moment. If I am not careful they will be putting me on that hoarders TV programme!
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@Bluecatmum77
My dear friend,
It was only recently you were concerned about me,now it’s my turn to be concerned about you.
You have been there for all of us here on this road to hell now let us help you for a change.
I have read many life stories on this forum,some I relate to immediately and others I think how the hell do you cope with that ?
YOU HAVE BEEN AMAZING and yes ,you do ,and will ,fall of the rails periodically we all do.
I can’t image what you have been through so far and the crap that you still have to deal with.
Any form of moving on must seem remote.
Like most of us on this road we now find a handful of people who stick by us and the rest are in the “Life Goes On “ category .
Well Bo##cks to the lot of them.
There are Three important people in your life now,
ME.-MYSELF-& I
As you’ve said to us before, be kind to yourself.
Pour yourself a large one and so will I.
Cheers here’s to US 
Thoughts and love,
Mick x
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Hi gang.xxx
Thank you all for your lovely messages.xx
I have just spent the last hour crying uncontollably.
Feel wiped out, but i knew it was coming.
Not had a meltdown like this for a while.
On a plus note, they are getting longer apart.
I really do think Easter weekend got to me.
Just being sat in the house alone.
An afterthought in peoples busy lives.
I just miss him so much.
I am so lonely and miserable.
I cried out before for Lee to come and get me.
I cried I cant do this anymore without you.
I cried for my Dad to come and get me.
One of them to please get me out of this hell of an existence. Thats all it is.
Living to work so i can pay bills.
Being on this planet to satisfy those around me.
I just dont feel like i have a purpose anymore?
I dont have children, so i dont have to be around for them
A handful of true friends is all i have.
Family are useless.
The ones you think will be there aren’t.
My furbabies are my reason to keep going.
They need me and love me and i need them and love them.
I feel like i have gone back months.
But maybe after a sleep, I will wake up woth another reset?
Back to numb again?
I have my counselling tomorrow so will mention everything to her.
So sorry for this, but I know you all understand and care.
Steph. Xxxxx Aka Bluecatmum.
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We need you. X X X
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Dear Bluecatmum
I echo Ron’s comment. We need you.
Sheila
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Counceling
I promised I would feed back my first impressions.
Today was my first real hour .
Like all of you reading this I found my Councillor understood me straight away.
I first had to relate the events leading up to that dreadful day, I had several pauses as I struggled to speak at times. You have I guess to give them this account so they understand you and are better equipped to help.
I don’t know where that hour went but all I can say is I by the end I felt at ease with them and look forward to next weeks session.
I understand it doesn’t work for everyone,all I can say I think it will help me.
Take care everyone
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Yes @Bluecatmum77 we do need you. I love the fact that you and @Mickp say it like it is. Glad the counselling seemed to help Mick.
It is shit, and there are people we should be able to rely on that are just not there for us now we need them most. We can’t be the people we once were, and that is tragic, because most of us seem to have been happy with what we had and wanted to continue with that.
There is no alternative to me other than trying to live. Finding and holding a loved one that has passed is traumatic. I cannot willingly put someone else through that.
I have been staying off alcohol as I know when I am down it makes me worse, but I think tonight I will toast the lot of you with a glass of red, and hope that we can all pull each other through to something better than what we have at the moment. Virtual hugs to you all.
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Sorry it is a gin and tonic…the red wines have corks! Never been any good with a cork! Grrrrr! Can’t believe he left me with corks. He knew I can only do screw tops! More evidence he hadn’t expected to go yet either! If any of us ever meet up I will be the one with a bag full of bottles and a corkscrew begging for help!
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You are all fab. Love you all. Xxx
@Mickp.
Sounds like you had a good first session.
The hour does fly by.
I space mine out to every couple of weeks.
I am definitely ready for my session tomorrow.
I cant talk to anyone else (apart from you lovely lot) the way I can with my counsellor.
No judgement.
No snidy or flippant comments.
Nobody can see the damage in us.
If they could see it, they would recoil in horror at the turmoil.
If they could feel it for 5 mins, they would shut up.
They would rush to our aid, hug us and never let go.
But they dont.
I am so broken.
The pieces of my life are shattered and somebody has swept them up an put them in the bin.
I have found that bin. I am just trying to rearrange them before i start the mammoth task of putting them back together in the right order.
To all those having a drinky poo, enjoy.
I am on water.
I darent touch a drop tonight, although i dont half fancy one.
Ill just shobe some cake in my trap instead.
Xxxxxx
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@Wong sounds like a plan 
Xx
That sounds really positive Mick. I really hope that it helps you. I am on the waiting list and hope that it can help me too.
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Thank you all for your very kind comments. None of us should be parted from our loves and I am sorry for us all but glad at least we found each other when we were all desperately searching for anyone who understood the lonely life we now live.
@Ron your wife’s picture is lovely, she looks very happy. I’m sorry you had her taken from you. it’s not fair.
@Misty1972 wow that is a big deal doing all that, well done.
@Riley indeed if only we could freeze those moments… I would live my life in memories… I think I’m kinda going to anyway but it just won’t be 4k quality I guess as my brain is definitely not running the latest technology ! The corner in the apartment sounds such a good idea for one day when you are ready xxx
The conversation about so-called friends is something I also experience. I am truly shocked as the losses keep coming but as my therapist said losing them all is not as bad as what you’ve already lost so, so what. I couldn’t argue with that.
@Mickp I’m so glad you felt a bit of relief from the counselling.
@Bluecatmum77 people can be right knobheads I have to say. I hope someone will come out of the woodwork and help you when you least expect but in the meantime we are really lucky to have you with us. I hope one day we can all meet if we feel up to it one day and I have a feeling our friendships will be the real deal, unlike these friends we all had that turned out to be surface friends only.
We care about you, I hope your counselling tomorrow gives you some peace from the torture. It’s hard to remember on these days I know (I usually plan to kill myself on these days so I know this is rich coming from me) but they do come and go as we know. Hang in there.
@wong your comment about screw tops made me smile. I had a big meltdown the other week when I got the penknife corkscrew jammed in my last bottle of wine. I was trying to do it how René had shown me hundreds of times but could I buggery. I was contemplating smashing the neck off it and all kind in my desperate state. Luckily I found some other booze and a few days later my brother visited and managed to rescue the Cork and corkscrew out for me.
To all having a drink, cheers. I’m not as taking it easy until the antidepressants have fully stabilised but I raise my strange tasting lavender tea to you all!
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@Jules4 Hope your wait soon over.
A bit of me says should have made the call sooner but then was I ready ??
Probably not I would say
But I feel I am now
M x
The Easter weekend sent me into a spin too . The last few days have been a struggle just a case of getting through them like you.
Don’t get me started on family I’ve now come to the conclusion after speaking to my counsellor I cannot make people respond to this living hell the way I would . They are what they are I just have to focus on myself. I come on here for support off people who know exactly how this feels and I’m so grateful for that . Life is moving on for others not me it stopped the day covid took Graham.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for us all
Big hugs xx
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It is a battle but you are not alone we are with you every step of the way 
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Hang in there Steph. You have a lot of friends on here who are behind you and with you, including me! X
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Thank you Wong. Enjoy that glass of red! X
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