I’ve bought shopping in that only he had. A programme comes on the TV about a holiday place and for a split second I watch and then I think, well there’s no one to go with and turn over. I have a voucher for an afternoon tea - could take someone else but I know I will sit there thinking I should be with him. How do we ever get round or through this? Really can’t see a way forward today.
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Today not a good day. We were just nearing completion of works in the bungalow. Had to hunt out the remaining pieces that need fitting and found some of my husband’s things tucked in the back of the cupboard and also quite upset that he will never see the completed works - the efforts of all our hard work. Then my mind turns to our little grandsons robbed of their granda. Heartbreaking, heartbreaking just heartbreaking.
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Sending you loads of love. I think we all get angry with circumstances around our loved ones death we question everything I don’t think all the answers are out there. I hope you find some answers. Take care xx
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This weekend I was in my family “Bubble” as usual
.At dinner my Sister said it was nice to see a bit of the old Mick today. Referring to some talk of our childhood and some banter between us earlier in the day.
Immediately I thought, damnation I’ve let my guard down, I’m not ok , the old me has gone ill never be him again.
But then I took it as a compliment.
Later during the meal for some reason ( and I still don’t know why) I felt tears running down my cheeks .
I tried to wipe them away before being noticed. But my daughter sat next to me saw me.
She just put her hand on top of mine and said
“It’s Ok Dad “
The important and nice thing was She’s stopped asking are you Ok ? She knows that answer.
Some acceptance means more sometimes.
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Hi gang,
@Mickp. Thats great to hear. Under all this darkness there is a little bit of the old us still there.
My neighbour said he heard me laughing in the garden and said it was lovely to hear as he hasnt heard it for such a long time.
Got back from Dentists. Xray. Antibiotics and a referral to the hospital to have the damn thing removed!! YESSS. Been suffering on and off for about 15 years.
Cant have any booze with these antiboitics, mega strong, but im not bothered.
Getting to the point where im sick of booze.
Im drinking for drinking sake.
So a week off will do me good.
Btw what is the name of this book?
Could so with reading it too.
Xxxx
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@Mickp thanks for that, and I know…
Xxx
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That is exactly how I still feel now 5 nearly 6 months on. I avoided Asda for months as I couldn’t face not buying the food I used to get in for him the fussiest eater in the world. TV programmes is another for weeks I couldn’t watch line of duty as we watched it together and how could I watch it without him. I spoke to the counsellor who tells me this is perfectly normal it is part of not wanting to accept the person we loved so much has gone. It’s so difficult day after day try to find a reason to get up and get through the day💔. Big Hugs x
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@Juli69 Just the same.
I have rather nice bottle of gin Venetia bought from a local distillery and two bottles of her favourite wine.
I don’t think I could open them if I was desperate for a drink.
As for TV anything remotely hospital of paramedics,no can do.
And yes you councillor is right these are normal reactions
M x
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I’ve not been shopping in asda or any supermarket yet since René’s death. Just home delivery from amazon or ocado now and again.
A quick trip to asda for that nights treats used to be something we enjoyed together before a night of booze, trifle, steak or whatever goodies we’d picked up that we fancied in our little nest that evening.
I had to go to the chemist in our asda for my prescription and that was enough. I could just see the cake aisle and remember us laughing as he’d cover my eyes with his hands saying I need blinkers like a horse… Then getting my favourites anyway… Going to change my chemist.
I read a few grief books and that Megan Divine one was a relief. It does help to know others feel the same and she has a very real and non preachy tone doesn’t she.
Steph, like everyone else I wish you didn’t have to go through all this extra layer of upset in what is quite enough of a turd bomb throughout every aspect of our lives for us all already.
You have every right to be angry. I know I’m totally flipping MoFo-ing enraged myself a large proportion of the time. I couldn’t speak to my stepdad and mum today for several hours even though they took me for a nice walk and icecream after work and are nothing but excellent to me. In hindsight it was misdirected anger. Anger at that my stepdad had done my Mum’s chair exactly how René said he would (crappily, so René was going to do it for her). I sat on it and fell out of the car and remembered. Then angry at all the sodding couples and the vomit-inducing cute little families. Angry at my mum and stepdad for bickering when they have each other. Anger at my annoying stepcousin and her annoying frigging campervan which was something we were planning. Anger that everyone thinks I’m doing so well. Anger at the unfairness of it all. It’s exhausting isn’t it, I hope you will feel some peace at some point from it all.
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I have just spent the best part of the past week listening to a few of my colleagues slagging off their husbands/partners. Not just moaning about them, but really going for it! They wonder why I seem a bit grumpy!
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Hi @Mickp I’m up to chapter 4 - I would be further ahead but I keep reading the same pages over abs over again! Thanks for checking in - glad you are getting something out of it.
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I get the anger bit. I borrowed a dog to take a walk, which was a big step for me. A lovely sunny day & the park was filled with lovely teenagers, enjoying each others company & being loud & laughing. I hated their youth, I hated their happiness, I wanted to scream at them YOU don’t know how hard this is, YOU don’t care, CAN’T YOU see my pain? YOU will get this one day, will it hurt you as much or is it just like moving up to your next mobile phone, trade up/move on/move forward/replace whats missing. YOU will never know a love like I had & lost. All totally & absolutely unreasonable & irrational.
I really think I’m going insane with grief, I am in such a dark dark place.
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@Maigret
As I’ve said time and time again Covid has robbed so many of us of so much. 
Everything you have said here is NORMAL you are normal.
We’ve all experienced the same thoughts and emotions 
at different time’s.
Your not going insane.
Your grieving and traumatised by events.
So don’t beat yourself up
Try to be kind to yourself
Hope today is a better day 
M x
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I think when your happiness has been snatched away so quickly and without making any sense at all, it’s ok to go through every sort of emotion. We are all going to feel angry that our lives have been ruined. Some have anger at a particular person / organisation / situation, others (like me) have no where to aim any anger as I still have no answers as to what happened let alone why it happened. Hope today is a little better - sending hugs
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Just bought - was wondering do we have a book club focussing on bereavement here ?
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@Willow1 I have taken much inspiration from a book recommendation from my councillor I’ve mentioned previously.
ITS OK THAT YOUR NOT OK
By
Megan Devine
She’s an American therapist who writes from her own experience with grief .
As I read it I keep saying ,yes,yes,yes that me that’s how I feel ,at last someone understands.
Her big point is that,this can’t be fixed,we won’t get better, there is no pill, there is no final stage that we emerge from but we find other things to put in our grief “bucket “ to surround grief and help us cope.
I’ve not finished it yet .I’m reading a chapter now in which she talks about Grief versus Suffering . Grief is thrust upon you suffering is mostly caused by yourself or unsuspecting others .
As you can tell I’m well impressed with this book and could write here all day about it.
If you look on Amazon you can have a short read of it before purchasing
Mick
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Hi gang. Xx
Wow sleeples night. Been in agony with this tooth.
Anybody have a pair of pliers I can borrow to rip the damn thing out? My head feels like it is going to explode. 
@Willow1. This forum is for us all to share.
Xx
Im absolutely shattered, so have no motivating words today, but just checking in.
Sending everyone love and hugs.
Xxxxx
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I’ve sent for it Mick, on your recommendation, it should be with me later today. Willing to try anything that may help. Thanks for the recommendation.
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I googled it and it does say you can recover from it. Makes me cross that they stopped his steroids and antibiotics which would of helped him recover.