@Greencat1950 @Bristles if you want to chat on WhatsApp with the others, message me your mobile number xx
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All welcome 
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Misty, can you add me on whatsapp? Iāve private msgād you, thanks
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Hi all. Iāve been reading through your recents posts.
Dave has been gone 22 months now but for the last few months Iāve been finding it really tough again. We were together for 35 years but we were only married for 8 days, we married whilst he was in ICU.
Like others I put on the mask to the outside world that Iām doing fine but inside itās a whole different matter. I keep thinking of all the things he is going to miss like our grandchildren (if our son ever has any), seeing the extension and garden finished that we had started and if our son ever marries standing there on my own without him beside me.
I miss him so much and the only people who can understand that feeling is you guys and others who have been lost their life partners. Itās a wound that never heals, sometimes it feels like itās slowly gettIng a scab form over it and then wham bam itās wide open and the pain is overwhelming but you still put that mask on until your on your own. I realise I took for granted the happy me, the loved me, the fun me, the just being a partnership. I miss his love, strength, support, stupidity and his huge welcoming smile. The light in my world went out with him and I feel as if Iām groping in the dark to find it.
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I understand all of those feelings. It is only 2 months on for me and we still donāt have the reason for why my 50 year old husband was suddenly and unexpectedly taken. I knew how wonderful being half of our couple was and I knew how lucky I was to have been so loved. It just makes it so hard to know that I will never have that again. His companionship meant everything to me. Sending hugs
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2 months is so hard. Everything is still raw and so much to sort out. 50 is so young, I was 60 and felt to young to be widowed and robbed of spending our retirement years together.
It must just add to the pain and torture (because it is a kind of torture) not to know why. I wish I could just reach over and hold your hand and give it a squeeze, or give you a huge hug, for now I will just do that virtually. When you loose your life partner you donāt just loose them you loose yourself too because the person you are was so wrapped up in the partnership youād built together and the life you led. 
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Youāre exactly right - I do feel as though Iāve lost myself as well as him. Thank you for your kindness
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Dear Fiona
Have not yet reached the first year anniversary but your words echo my feelings. I too was 60 when my husband was tragically killed in a road traffic accident. The Inquest only served to re-set the button for me and the past couple of weeks have suffered the same crippling grief that I felt the first day that I was told he had not survived. I am certainly lost and stumble through the long, empty days without him by my side.
Your post showed me that my thoughts - the missed family events that he will never get to see - were not silly. I am already living some of these experiences. We had one grandson before my husband died. He meant everything to his granda. Now we have welcomed a second grandson - only five weeks old - who will never get to meet my husband. Just breaks my heart.
Take care.
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Oh Sheila that must have been so tough for you. Iām sure you, like myself, get fed up of hearing people say how well your doing and how much youāve accomplished when inside you just feel numb. I know they mean well but in reality they have no idea what happens when your home alone and those long nights. Iām lucky as my son is still living at home with me, heād never moved out and he broke up with his girlfriend 6 months before lockdown so no chance of him meeting someone new. He had planned to go to NZ on a work and Travel visa last year but Covid put a stop to that.
Sorry rambled on about me then. It must be lovely to have a new grandson - very bitter sweet. Are you able to see and hold your grandchildren, I do hope you can cuddle them.
Take care too.
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Dear Fiona
Thank you. We supported our son and his partner throughout lockdown as our son worked in supermarket and his partner needed extra support. Baby had three life-saving operations and only got out of hospital 4 weeks before first lockdown. I was still working then so husband was there every day, practically all day. He just so loved our grandson - so for this to be taken away and in the manner it was so heartbreaking - life is so cruel.
Do you think that your son will follow up on the NZ work/travel permit. Me and husband visited NZ in 2012 for our 30th wedding anniversary and were planning a trip to Australia for our 40th. I know it will mean that you will be by yourself but it would be a great opportunity for your son.
Have to be honest I just wish I could jump in the car and keep driving. Running away from the reality I suspect but I donāt like my ānew realityā. Makes me question everything we did - I worked two jobs so that we could have a good retirement and my husband worked so hard all his life never to reap the rewards.
I am just not coping - accept he has gone but he still being here myself.
Take care.
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Dear Sheila, I know what you mean about just jumping in the car and going. I feel like that too. I also question the fact that we worked hard so that we could enjoy our time together when the children left and then plan for a lovely retirement. The fact that he will never enjoy that - and neither will I now - is so, so hard to accept. Sending hugs
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Dear Sheila and Jules
Yes, just like you Dave worked so hard and was looking forward to retiring - he was 14 months away from that when he died. The only thing I know that he would be glad of is that I donāt have to worry to much about money. I canāt afford to retire yet but when my time comes I can retire and as long as Iām careful it will last.
My son is still planning on going to NZ when he can and it will do him good, I will miss him but he needs to fly the nest and I keep telling him Iām not his responsibility. He struggles too as he was so close to his dad. He doesnāt want to go to Australia though, we went when he was 9 to visit friends and he has a real fear of snakes so to him Auz is a no go!
I often feel like driving off to, I donāt know where but sometimes the thought of going to a small cottage by the sea or countryside and just sitting there watching nature really appeals. No worries or responsibilities, I can be as miserable as I want without having to put the mask on.
Take care ladies and big hugs.
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Dear Fiona
I am glad it is just not me. I am constantly looking at cottages for sale and thinking that I need to uproots and just move and get away from ādo-goodersā who keep telling me what I need to do to āmove onā despite never having been in my position. However, this is just not possible. My husband promised our son that he would be their child-minder and I cannot let my son down now. I have retired in order to look after the (now two) grandsons.
Take care
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Hi @Sheila26,
I know what you mean by ādo goodersā. Iāve found that sometimes a firm response makes all the difference - something along the lines of: āI appreciate your concern but itās not helping me. Please let me do things my way.ā
Talk to your son too. Would it be possible to move a short distance away - say, 30 - 50 miles, and take care of your grandsons 3 days a week, commuting by car and whatever is convenient? Just as you care for your son, your son cares for you. He might be able to help you think out a solution that would work for both of you.
And as for the notion of moving on - arenāt you doing that by getting up and about every day???
Christie xxx
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Dear Christie
I was thinking Helmsley but that is too far. I think it is just a pipe-dream. Now that all our retirement plans are scrapped I try to find ways to distract myself and I think this is one of them.
I really donāt feel that I am moving on. I only get up if I have to look after grandsons. Their mam is on maternity leave so have quite a few days to myself. I also do not want to be relying on them all the time - mam needs to be with her friends etc. On these days I find there is no point getting up and usually spend most of the day in bed.
The thought of this being my life now without my husband is just not one I want to consider.
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Hi Sheila,
Which general area are you near? Iām in East Yorkshire - we often used to go for day trips to Helmsley, I love it there.
I was thinking, if you feel like it, we could maybe meet up for lunch somewhere?
I just donāt know what the phrase means. You move on in a mechanical, time passes way, but I feel that my love is still up there watching over me. His death was rapid, we didnāt have time to talk much, and he had problems talking anyway. I wanted to comfort him as best I could, but I didnāt have the right care package at home, I had 2 great carers, but the others who came were more or less useless. One district nurse was terrific, the others during day time had a distant and detached manner - the night district nurses were great, but often weād to wait 45 minutes or more for them.
There was nobody to hold my hand immediately afterwards. I was in shock for 2 or 3 months. 2 people offered help, but this soon turned into demands.
Now Iām floating - or it feels like that - on an ocean of grief and regret.
I know how you feel, in a way.
Christie xxx
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Hi ladies
Although I want to run away to a cottage itās only for a short time, just to be on my own and think. I never want to move from my home, itās filled with so many happy memories and in the early days I didnāt want to leave the house - it was almost as if it had become my security blanket. However, I forced myself to go out as I was worried that if I didnāt I would never do it. We are all different and what helps and comforts one doesnāt work for someone else. The one thing that I can honestly say with some degree of certainty is donāt make big decisions in the first year. I never made any big ones but there are a couple that now I wished Iād waited to decide. Emotions are raw and the decisions you make are based on those rather than the rational you would normally consider.
Yes I got fed up of hearing the move on speeches and I get fed up now of the look how much you have accomplished ones. Yes I have accomplished lots but they have no idea of the heartache that lies beneath. One thing I donāt regret is that I started a new job within the organisation I work for 6 weeks after Dave died. It made me get up and do something with the days I worked. It gave me structure and purpose and whilst I worked I didnāt dwell on what had happened and I felt semi normal. I only work 16 hours a week for a charity but those hours are occupied and my brain isnāt thinking and noticing how lonely I feel during that time. I know others would probably balk at my doing that but we all need to find something that gives us some sort of purpose. It doesnāt mean to say that I am over losing Dave because Iām not and never will be. Every Friday since he passed away ( he died on a Friday) I light an led candle in the morning and donāt turn it off until I go to bed. It now sits by his ashes in the cabinet where he will stay until I die. My son has strict instructions to cremate me as well and when he gets my ashes he is to mix both of our ashes up so we are together in death as we were in life, in-separable. When I first used to light that candle I would say thatās another week I have got through without you but now, and I donāt remember when I changed it, I say thatās another week closer to being with you again.
No one knows the pain and heartache losing a partner brings unless they have been through it themselves. You can understand and think you may have some idea of what itās like but until it happens to you. I know I have said all the platitudes to others and think that Iām helping, the comfort I have now is knowing when I meet, or like now talk online, to others or when my friends go through this awful time I can really be there for them and know what not to say and do.
Just keep supporting each other here and listen, offer the advice thatās worked for you but donāt be offended if itās not right for you or if they disagree. All of us are getting through this in our own way. No one and nothing in life prepares you for this amount of pain and grief.
Well Iāve gabbled on chapter and verse again when I didnāt mean to but just writing thoughts down to those who understand really helps. Iām always here to listen.
Take care xx
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Dear Fiona
Thank you. I welcome you sharing.
I gave up my job as this was the only thing that I could fulfil as part of our plans. Of course now I have to spend most of my free time looking after the grandsons. Me and husband would have done this together - we were a great team each having our set tasks. As in the home now I have to do everything myself. I often have a cry when the grandsons go for their nap. We would have stopped and had a cuppa and a laugh about the different little things our eldest grandson had done. Now have no one to share this with.
I too find comfort in chatting on-line. I am not yet ready to go out and meet up with people. The cottage plan is a recurring thought where I feel I can go and hide and never have to face the outside world.
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Dear Christie
Thank you. I live in Tyne and Wear. It is well over an hours drive but Helmsley was an area where me and husband would visit for a meal and to re-stock the freezer from the local farm shop. Will keep your offer in mind and perhaps come back to you at a later point. I have booked a cottage on the Northumberland coast for the family in July so that we can scatter my husbandās ashes. This and both kids birthdays over the next couple of months starting to cause me some anxiety.
I am sorry about your husband. It is clear that you did everything possible for your husband. It must have been extremely difficult for you arranging the carers. I understand the shock and its impact. I was on auto-pilot having to deal with the police from day 1 as they answered my husbandās phone at the crash site and then sent a patrol car to get me to the hospital. Some showed compassion others were very procedural. I have to be honest I did give them feedback on mine and the familyās experiences through the family liaison officer we had assigned. Fortunately our best man is a former police officer so was able to take over quite a few things on my behalf. Rest of support has dwindled down to a handful of solid friends and two family members.
Please stay in touch and take care.
Sheila
Shiela and Christie my heart goes out to you both. Iāve been where you are so totally get your comments. I do talk to Dave, actually I do it everyday, sometimes out loud and the their times in my head. Iām sure your husband is watching you lay with those grandsons Sheila.
I miss Dave for all the practical things too, our son just isnāt practical. I sometimes wish there was a local group where we could swap skills/tasks. If someone could come and fix/do something in return I would cook them a dinner/batch cook some meals/make a cake/ sew a button a shirt. I know my friends husbands would come and do these things but I hate asking for favours which is so silly I know as I would tell them off for not asking if the shoe was on the other foot. I donāt want to learn to hang a picture on a wall I just want someone to come and do it.
Iāve found the lockdowns so hard but especially the last one, I miss having a man to talk to of my age and era, I talk to my friends but Iāve always been someone who enjoyed talking to both men and women. In our group of friends the women talk about their hubbies and how they are meeting up for poker now but found out where to play and online and I so miss joining in those chats. Itās a lonely world when your are a one amongst twos.
Keep your memories close and hold them tight and let the tears flow xx