A few recent posts on here struck a chord with me. Fourteen months on from losing my soul mate, I still get asked the same 'well meaning" question…“are you ok?”…what to reply?..what do you say?
Why?
When people ask if I’m ok
I always wonder what to say
To give a polite platitude?
Or tell the truth and seem so rude?
The honest fact, to get it right
Is when I go to bed at night
I always ask, before dawn break
That hopefully I will not wake
But wake I do and once again
Depression grips my grieving brain
Happy dreams are left behind
With you in my unconscious mind
Before I drag myself from bed
Reality invades my head
This world in which we used to thrive
Is now a challenge to survive
I constantly impose my will
To make my troubled mind be still
Household chores and meeting friends
I carry on like things will mend
Yet in my heart a constant pain
Nothing I do can be the same
This life we used to love I hate
But I can’t change my lonely fate
And yet when people ask again
“Are you ok?” I play the game
“Yes, I’m fine” is my reply
But no one stops to wonder…why?
Beautiful… but personally i wouldnt tell them youre ok … i would say its a struggle everyday cos it is isnt it ? I hope we can find a place of happiness but im at same stage as you and its a constant battle isnt it … a bit like hamlet : to be or not to be, that is the question ? Didnt he say that whilst looking at a skull of poor yorath … " poor yorath - i knew him well " now we truly understand what those words meant now dont we ? Funny how you totally understand once youre in it yourself … x
…after 14 months it’s just easier to say “I’m as good as I can be” and leave it at that…until this is your reality nobody can possibly understand whatever we say…
@UnityMan I agree with everything you have put down so eloquently. It’s so hard now without my husband. I miss him so much. People say you have to move forward and I am trying, but the heartache I feel every day I think will be with me forever.x
@UnityMan such lovely words and so true. I am getting close to 2 years and no one asks how you are at all, they just assume you are getting on. Which is true in a way as i am tried of battling the grief , so try to look for small moments of joy, and if i am having a c*ap day i just call it. Stay safe my friend Allen
sometimes we have to be defiant. “Yes! I am fine.” even I you are not because you will be telling yourself, you are fine and maybe our brains need to hear that.
I have been low for years now, years and years. I find it hard to be defiant and courageous and to show my pluck as I did when I was young. but I would if I could muster the spirit because I know it would help me in the end.
wallowing is so natural to me now. I do it all of the time. I had a church lady ask with me great concern if I was fine. I am not at all.
but I wish I could summon the old me, and defy life and say “I am fine!”
We do have to strive to be fine dont we i agree ! Its a slow process … at least i dont burst into tears everytime i see somebody and they mention my husband so that is progress ! Now if they ask how i am i say … im surviving. Cos thats how i feel Xx
Dear @UnityMan
As often I do identify with all you say.
As ever your poem is beautifully written, so personal yet so true for many including me.
I totally agree with you about the question, Are you okay??
To be honest like you I usually say, “I’m okay” very weakly and with a slight shrug of the shoulders. BUT NO ONE ever notices my weak response or shoulder shrug. And so you get the response " that’s good then"
And the other thing I fail to understand is why now is “okay” seen us such a positive response.
Before … If I/ we would have responded “okay”
The person asking would likely have said, “oh what’s up ?”
Not anymore!
Sometimes I’ve tried to be honest, but to be truthful it’s just too damn exhausting to have to explain it.
Sometimes, often, I say . " I’m okay that I’m not okay" but few understand what I mean.
What I, you, all of us really want us someone to say to us.
" I know you’re not okay, and that’s okay." But no one does…
So I’ll say it now to you…
My dear @UnityMan 'I know you are not okay. And that’s okay. ’
Love from Cathphil
This brought me to tears as it is so accurate and describes how I feel.
I was actually discussing this with my mum today. As I’ve been back to work this week (my husband passed 8 weeks ago) and was saying I don’t know what to say, as people ask “are you ok” cos they don’t know what to say, and the generic thing to say is I’m ok, when the truth is I’m not ok and can’t see how I will be again.
When I’m asked if I’m ok , I really feel like saying , no I want my wife back as that’s the only way I could ever feel “ok” again . But I don’t as I know they mean well , makes me think back to when I’ve spoken to people who are going through what we are now in the past , are you ok is something I’m sure I would have asked in the past not knowing what else to say really . Now I know the pain they were going through and how hard it must have been for them to just say yes I’m ok .
Well said @Cathphil … feeling sad today … miss my cuddles. Not had good few days … my boiler not working properly , sister being horrible … thats when you miss them the most isnt it when the chips are down xx
If anyone asks, I just say how I’m feeling that day. Each day is a different feeling, never the same.
Your poem is beautifully written and explains how most of us are feeling at one time or another.
So do i … im not hiding my feelings for anybody im afraid ! I saw a post on FB this morning … it said …" when we grieve, we should do it however the hell we want "… totally agree with that one … was gonna put it on here but im useless with technology ! Lol xx
I agree with this. Perhaps we should be grateful that they are enquiring. Perhaps saying, “I am okay, (lie,) and thank you for asking. That is kind,” is enough of an exchange to comfort us. It is code for “I care and hope you are alright.” And perhaps we should give this grace and be happy for it rather than scream and cry.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last year. I don’t know what it’s like to loose a partner, but my late dad lost my mother when I was 13, & he missed her every day. My dad had myself to live for, & I have my daughter. I hope you have family that will make life worth living for. My daughter & myself are about to start going to a bereavment group. Maybe that would help. Again I am so sorry. Take care.
cos it is isnt it ? I hope we can find a place of happiness but im at same stage as you and its a constant battle isnt it … a bit like hamlet : to be or not to be, that is the question ? Didnt he say that whilst looking at a skull of poor yorath … " poor yorath - i knew him well " now we truly understand what those words meant now dont we ? Funny how you totally understand once youre in it yourself … x
…you understand because you are living it…and unless you do…you can’t…