I am feeling very isolated and confused about ashes.
My husband passed from cancer aged 44 last year. He stated a preference to be cremated and put in the sea.
I have never known a loved one cremated before, as burial is the norm in my family.
I am finding the concept of the ashes really troubling. Why do people find such comfort in the ground down bones of their person? How is it anything other than horrific? I know it’s all that there is physically left of him, so I should
Cling to them. I did sleep next to them the first few days but I have always felt confused not comforted.
I opened the box and had a look at them with my kids last night, hoping seeing them I could work out how I felt. I felt nothing.
He is in my heart, I speak to him all the time, his soul is in the air around me, I feel him. And I miss him so desperately. I just can’t find ‘him’ in the dust of his bones. Am I the only person to feel this way?! I can’t work it out.
We haven’t spread his ashes at sea yet. I’m stressed about organising it. I’m worried we’ll do it, then I might suddenly feel a connection to them and wish I still
Had the ashes!
Help!!! How can I work out what I feel?!
Hi you dont have to part with all the ashes im going to get some put into a ring put some where my partner wanted and will definatly keep some to be scattered with mine when i die .My partner died last april i do find comfort hes here in a beautiful box next to a picture of us but everyone is different there is no rush to do anything at all xxx
I buried my wifes ashes in a old family grave along with her sisters and mothers ashes also there are at least 2 others who are buried in the grave.
I had no idea where she wanted her ashes put,she told me she wanted to be cremated but she died suddenly without any time for discussion, I hate that,I kept a small amount of her ashes and have put them with some of her belongings in the house.
As suggested do as your bloke wanted, but keep some back for yourself, I too am confused, I talk to her all the time in the house but also talk to her when I visit the grave,most days.
I understand your confusion, there is plenty of time for things to resolve themselves but remember if you do not save some ashes and scatter them all there’s no going back.
Best wishes.
Hi. I’m sorry for your loss and no, you’re not alone. I haven’t felt that the remains “are” the person either. There are no shoulds in grief, if you don’t want to cling to them you don’t have to. The suggestion to keep a small part of the ashes is good, just in case you feel differently later on. But mainly I don’t think you should compare your feelings about the ashes to others. If the ashes don’t comfort you that’s ok and not something you have to question. We all do what feels best for us and no one grieves the same way. 
The ashes are a symbolic representation - it’s what they represent, not the physical ashes themselves.
In the same way you wont get comfort opening the coffin and looking at your partner’s bones, you won’t get comfort looking at the physical ashes.
If you’re not sure you’re ready to scatter his ashes, then you’re not ready.
My suggestion would be to purchase an urn, that you feel would best be fitting as his “home” and have it engraved with a meaningful inscription and not leave the ashes in the cardboard scatter box, until you feel ready to scatter them.
I found the cardboard scatter box most upsetting - sort of like, is that all she was worth, a cardboard box.
I felt much better when I had transferred the ashes into an inscribed urn and placed her favourite necklace around the neck of it
I scattered part of her ashes and interred the other half when I was ready, but have held a portion back, that I keep in the urn and some in a urn bracelet that I wear.
Cold hard reality is it’s just ground ashes.
But it’s symbolic perception is that a part of them is with you.
Thank you for for taking the time to reply and for understanding. Sending strength x
Thank you so much for responding wishing you well xxx
Yes thank you so much for your time to reply.
I’ll try to just focus on me and not compare. I suppose just I wish I could find this comfort everyone seems to speak of.
Yes I will keep some back. I wanted some buried with me (that’s what I thought of before my husband died).
I’ll see if the kids want some too, maybe. I just don’t want it to be a burden for them, to decide what to do in the future. - I don’t want them to feel confused as I do now.
Thanks again x
Thank you so much this is really interesting to know your thoughts. Yes maybe the cardboard tube does feel inappropriate. He was a big strong man and now he’s in a cardboard tube.
I will research the urn idea, maybe I’ll feel more ownership or like it’s him if it ‘fits’ his memory better.
You have really helped me thank you so
Much for your time.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 6 months ago now and his wish was to be scattered in the Red Sea where we had great Scuba diving experiences. Trouble is that part of the world is rather unstable currently, as well as expensive for me to take the family (his wish), so I’m thinking of taking him down to Devon or Cornwall where we both had great dives together. I am waiting for better weather when my children and grandkids can come with me. I have had a ring made which has his fingerprint on it, that I wear daily alongside his wedding ring. I get comfort from that. Somehow i feel, and I know it’s silly, that the whole him needs to be scattered to honour his wishes. In the meantime he remains in his box next to his favourite chair in the conservatory!
Hiya. I’m with you on this one. I had no idea what the ashes actually were. I was expecting something like you would clean out of a log burner. When I went to collect them they were in a massive box and so heavy that I had to go and get the car! To be absolutely honest it really creeped me out having them in the house. It wouldn’t have mattered what they were housed in. Alan was in the navy and we had planned to take them to sea and scatter them on what would have been our wedding day but they were just too weighty to travel with. So we have buried them in the garden. It was a relief to have done it and I no longer have to dread seeing the box. The essence of Alan is still here and I have a picture of him laughing and happy which is enough. He would have found it hilarious to watch us struggling to dig a hole deep enough (and the accompanying cursing) and that thought makes me smile too. Best wishes for whatever you decide x
My partner wanted some of his on the local golf course which im not sure how to go about that at all because ive been told will have to get permission and will probly cost but am in no rush and i feel ok and sort of comforted hes here near me but of course hes always in my heart on my mind constantly a year in April and miss him every day xx
Hi @Crocus2
My partner wanted to be scattered at sea too, and so it’ll be done on his birthday later in the year. I’ve had to hide the ashes in the meantime; I just can’t bear the thought of them being him.
My husband suggested our ashes should go in our local crematorium but when I went to look at the spaces available I wasn’t too happy. Instead I had some jewellery made for me and his sister and my son took some to the Cheltenham Festival and placed them at the winner post (he went every year). The remainder have gone under our bird table in the garden where there is a plaque and a place to put flowers. The grandchildren also do drawings for him and we all feel he is with us when we enjoy time in the garden, which he loved. It took over a year to make the decision we did but now know it was the right one.
Much love
Georgina
It’s been almost three months since my beautiful wife’s funeral and finally arranged a meeting with the crematorium a couple of weeks ago ago look at the options!
I decided to put her name in the book of remembrance which is a permanent lasting memory and have a plaque placed next to a tree in the garden of remembrance where her ashes will be placed!
It was a decision that I made as I have to be comfortable with the arrangement and it’s a fitting tribute! I will not bring her ashes back to the house!
Her uncle had his wife’s ashes at home and would place them by the bed at night! My wife and I both felt that was odd !
I have her find memory with me in my heart forever and photos of her before she became unwell! That’s what she would want for sure
I also put my husband’s name in book of remembrance . I couldn’t face having my husband’s ashes, so he was scattered in garden of remembrance . We had never had the talk , if one of us died. But both my mam and dad were scattered there and also both in book of remembrance. My husband always took me there on the special days . So I just think to myself he knows why I did that , and he is with my parents who loved him like a son .x
Cremation has been the norm for my family for generations. My wife died at home on January 6th surrounded by myself and our sons.
Im not at all religious, but immediately after, something left her body and that wasnt her lying there.
Everything that made her the lovely lady she was , left immediately. I can understand why you dont find any comfort in the ashes.
Susan’s ashes were scattered in the garden of remembrance.
Having any form of Susan’s remains doesnt work for me. Shes in her rightful place: she lives in my heart.
I havent had the chance to have my partners ashes, due to his ex-wife 
its a long story, but being sidelined through the 2 days he was in hospital, the funeral and his house being cleared partly before the funeral, having some of his ashes is so important to me. It means, yes he was here, yes you were each others hearts and no one could take away the final piece of him from this earth or from me… sadly im left feeling angry frustrated and resentful, all on top of grief, i felt so guilty yesterday because i didnt cry… i believe that everyones journey is different and everyone will find whats the right ways for them to get through this awful time… its been a month now and i feel so alone now. His wishes for his ashes to be with me, sadly wont be honoured as there was no will… so if keeping ashes gives comfort then its the right thing, if scattering the ashes brings a glimpse of closure, then its right… whatever helps. I just wish i could have my little bit of comfort
@Kess if there is no will, under laws of intestacy, ex wife has no more claim over the ashes than common law partner.
Rules of intestacy name next kin or executor of estate, if there is no next of kin.
If you were financially dependant, a claim can be made under the inheritance act for personal effects, which would include ashes
Ive yet to receive my husbands ashes but i know it will be very emotional. I told him he’s staying with me so he knew that. I’ve looked into making a diamond but the cost is too much. So I’ll find a great urn to put them in and keep them by my bed I suppose. I hope you find peace and comfort in the coming days and weeks. There’s no rush. Do it whenever you feel the time is right for you.