I think that once again nobody can understand what we are going through unless they have gone through it and it isn’t something you want anyone t go through. I cleaned out my loving wife’s closet only because our son decided to move back in with me after his Grandmother died and he needed the space. My loving wife’s clothes are not something I wanted to keep I was waiting for her Aunt to come and get them anyway but she had 2 strokes in September and her oldest Daughter died in October so once again life has a way of messing things up. My wife’s ashes are on her dresser and I touch her every night when I go to bed and tell her goodnight and I love and miss her so much and I touch her every morning when I get up and I tell her good morning and I love and miss her so much.
I think that the point I was trying to make and got off of was that others think they are being helpful by saying get rid of things because those things hold no meaning to them and if it means something to you then by all means keep them. There are many things I will never get rid of and when I die our son can do whatever he wants but as long as I am in charge it’s my choice.
Dear john9
Bad day today. Sat in a car park near the Tyne and just cried. Christmas is going to be hard even second time round. I have still not touched anything of my husband’s and don’t think I ever will.
Take care.
Sheila
I am sorry that you had a bad day, but I understand it has been a bad morning for me. Today is week 38 and it is a Saturday (Sadderday) which is the day of the week my loving wife died and that was our time too because she worked during the week and it was just when we were able to spend more time together. I went to the store yesterday and the Christmas music playing and all of the displays made it very hard because we really liked this time of the year and I just can’t handle it. I just want the pain to end, I don’t know how people do this for years without going totally insane. I wake up crying, I cry throughout the day and I go to bed crying and I am on the verge of tears right now and have been crying all morning. There is just no joy in my life it all left when my loving wife died. She took my broken heart and soul with her when she died and there is nothing left.
Dear john9
I too cry at various points of the day, particularly when I wake to an empty bed and again when I eventually go to bed. I was only 16 weeks off retirement only for everything to be taken away. The Christmas cards have started to arrive despite my asking for none. Others not in our position just cannot comprehend how our worlds stopped the day that we lost our loved ones.
Sheila26,
I told the few people who still are talking to me since my loving wife died because most abandoned me, that I didn’t want to be invited to any Holiday events not because I am against them I just don’t want to bring anyone down and lose the only people left. WE know that unless and until you go through this you don’t understand and sadly I have come to realize I was one of them, and it wasn’t intentional. I was too young to know what was going on and nobody was grieving openly like I am so I didn’t know what to do. I can’t even make amends to anyone because they have since died. I would never want anyone to go through this pain and suffering just to understand it but sadly that is really the only way they might understand it, And even then not everyone will feel as torn up as “we” do. I know my grief is as bad as it is because my loving wife was my world, my everything, my best friend, my lover and my soulmate and I LOVE(D) her with my entire being and for it to just end like it did just crushes me and I am so worn out and beat down because of that and more. My loving wife and I were caring for a friend and her Mother and we figured when they both finally passed away it would be our time to relax and enjoy our golden years and it didn’t work that way and I am angry about it. My friend died in January, then my loving wife died in March and her Mother died in August so I really lost most everyone I was around and I am too old to start over making friends and I will never have a relationship again. Sorry to turn this into a “book”
Dear john9
Please do not apologise there really is no need. This life (if we can call it that) is not what we expected nor deserved. Like you I have seen many friends and even family move on because they can, but what I think hurts is there is not even a ‘backward glance’ to see how we are coping. I eventually reached a point where I realised that the odd text was merely a ‘tick-box’ exercise for the people concerned. So thereafter when I received one of their half-cocked messages I told them how it was. Yes this reduced the contact even further but I do not need disingenuous people making themselves feel better at my expense.
Like you I love my husband with every part of me. He continues to be my world and I am just lost without him. Sometimes do feel abandoned by him also. We had a whole retirement mapped out and we did not even get to start it together because of his outside pursuit which has cost me everything I held dear.
I think the period leading up to Christmas is just the worst. I note you live in the US and there tends to be other celebrations (Thanksgiving I believe) leading up to this period so can only imagine the additional pain this is bringing for you.
I think most of us on this forum recognise that in the past we have not appreciated the full impact that comes with loosing your soulmate. I know that when my own dad died I could not fully understand my mam’s behaviour and reactions. It is made worse now because my poor mam - aged 87 - is trying to support me while still grieving for my dad and also my husband.
I cannot begin to imagine the heightened grief and pain you are suffering as a result of so many losses. I agree I too am too old to start over making friends - but actually now question what is a friend - certainly not some who have left me by the wayside since the loss of my husband.
We have the Samaritans here in the UK who we can call at any point day or night - and I have done so on a few occasions. Please keep posting and also see what other support might be out there for you as it does help to off-load when you need to with people who have no close connection.
Take care.
Sheila26,
Yes the “other” Holidays do make it harder and the ones in the summer did as well. So many triggers because of the fact we were so connected and enjoyed being with each other. Here in the States it was just one long “celebration” for the normal non-grieving people with the cook-outs and all of the things my loving wife enjoyed when the weather was warm. We used to enjoy the Holidays because before Covid it was a chance for people to visit us and enjoy life. When my loving wife died her family basically dropped me with the exception of one of her Aunts and I understand that I am not family technically just married to someone. But i have known them all for more than half of their lives (35 years) and it hurts just the same. Sadly the only way any of them would understand is if they were in the exact same situation and I would not “wish” this pain and suffering on anyone. I continue to try to make it everyday until God says enough.
Dear john9
The reaction of family members is still difficult to comprehend. One of my brother-in-laws has made sure everyone knows that ‘life is for the living’ and plasters it all over social media. He texts rarely and has visited once in the 15 months but never mentions his brother. Unfortunately the painful thing for me is that not only are we forgotten but so are those we have lost to these same people.
Sheila26,
That is the thing that really bothers me, I’m “okay” with them ignoring me but they ignored our son who is a blood relative and MIL who lost her Daughter and just don’t seem to care at all about my loving wife. It hurts me so much and it makes me angry. The only “positive” is I don’t need to deal with them anymore because if that is how they want to be, my loving wife was the reason I did anyway. I was never rude or mean to them I just thought that they liked me but I guess I was wrong. Maybe one day they will have to answer to God as to why they did what they did or didn’t do.
Dear john9
Our son’s eldest was only 9 months when my husband died and his second son was born 8 months after. The photos of our son with his second child was just heartbreaking as the pain of his dad’s loss was clear for everyone to see yet my brother-in-law made no attempt to contact him or support him. My husband was so family orientated and would have been the first in line to support his nephews/nieces if the need had arisen. There are no words and as you say they will be judged by someone higher than ourselves.
Sheila26,
That was how my loving wife was, her family was everything to her and she wanted to have Christmas in July this year because nobody could come last year because of Covid and she never got to plan anything and it never happened. Her family scattered when her Grandparents died in 2007 and it really hurt her because we saw everyone many times a year at their house for parties. It is as if she never existed as far as they are concerned and her friends too.
Dear john9
They will all have to walk this dark, lonely path at some point in their lives. I can only hope that it gives them time to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it had on us at the time. I suspect for some this is even too much to ask.
Take care.
Sheila