I walked ro the village to pick up my son today in the blazing heat. Not from the park with his mates or from a concert or the pub, but from the funeral parlour, in a wooden urn. I covered it with a cashmere scarf I had draped over his coffin. It had musical notes and guitars on it. I sobbed all the way back under my sunglasses as my arms ached from the weight. I took shortcuts so I wouldn’t meet anyone. I realised that this weight was probably the same as when I used to carry him as a baby. I took him home and put his ashes with his guitars and vinyls and recording equipment in his bedroom. It is just the same as he left it minus the plates of left over food. I took out his favourite t shirt neatly folded with other band t shirts and put it on. Then I left his room and tried to carry on with the day and with life. His ashes aren’t him. Not really. But what WAS him was the love I felt in my heart as I carried him home and the presence I felt walking by my side as I did so and the laughing comments I would get for wearing his t shirt. God how I miss him. 
Hi @Jules646,
I’m so sorry to hear that, it must have been a particularly difficult day for you. Thank you for bravely sharing how you’re feeling.
You may find the following Sue Ryder resources particularly helpful during this time:
- Our Bereavement information pages
- Our Online Bereavement Support, which includes our free online bereavement counselling, our Grief Self-Help service which has interactive tools to help you cope with grief, and Grief Coach, where you can receive personalised support via text
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Becca
Online Community Team
Hello Jules - you have had a powerful and painful and loving day. When we lose a child that we created and loved and would die for, it’s beyond words. I lost my daughter six months ago and recognise the yearning and the overwhelming sadness and regret for what might have been, if this hadn’t happened. I’m glad this place is here to come to, where we ‘get it’. I send you big hug and respect x
I am sorry to hear that you lost your daughter. I have only just started getting to know this group so forgive me …uou have probably told your story somewhere in the many threads. Do you mind me asking what happened? My son died of sudden heart failure. He was poorly for 2 weeks then collapsed and was in icu in a coma for 2 weeks. He was always healthy before this. He lived at home with me and his younger siblings. He was the man of the house at 22.
So sad .no words .baby steps .just do what you feel you can day to day . We here for you .sending you a hug xxx
I’m so sorry. That 4 months must have been traumatising for you. I watched my son suffer too. The images stay with me. As does guilt.
Jules there are so many emotions such early days . You just play over in your mind everything .nothing makes sense and nothing seems real .you and your family are in shock . This wicked world .i will never understand . Keep talking on here . You can say anything .you wont be judged . Your prob not sleeping right now .my doc gave me tablets they helped. Take care my friend xxx
Hi Jules - we don’t know yet for sure how my daughter died. The inquest is in December. I found her at home, seemingly asleep. My grandaughter and I were checking her every ten minutes and she seemed to be sleeping normally. On our final check she had just died and was unresponsive. Paramedics tried for 53 minutes but were unable to save her. She leaves two teenage girls whose lives have been devastated and me her mum, devastated too. At first the shock and pain were beyond description and way way more powerful than any thing Imhad every experienced. I’d list my parents and my partner and that was dreadful, but to lose my own girl and see my grandkids without their mum was utterly heartbreaking. I am a different person because of it all. My family fell apart but things are improving as we are learning to accept the unacceptable. Things have thankfully calmed down, and I have good support from friends and Compassionate Friends are a brilliant charity for people who have lost a child. I would commend them for their support, understanding and caring. I send you all my best wishes as you go forward. I hope you keep posting on here, it helps xxx
Hi Nell
When we are chatting on here there s so many of us . We forget peoples storys .you are pretty amazing always there for others…i hope time makes us stronger you have a nice day much love zoe xx
Hi Nell
It must be awful waiting to know what happened. My son had heart failure but we didn’t know. The hospital misdiagnosed him many times over two weeks of visiting A and E. They only found out it was his heart after he had collapsed for the last time. So he never knew. He thought he had anxiety for most of it. Then organ failure. They tired to pin it on the covid jab, then alcohol withdrawal. He was 22. A normal lad. Not a huge drinker. They missed it. So we too now have to wait and see how q serious incident investigation pans out and the coroners inquest in January. I have q lot of anger but mostly to myself for trusting the Dr’s
Hi Jules - there’s not much else you could have done but to trust the doctors. Feeling guilty seems to be a part of grief of losing a child that you wanted to protect. Which is not to deny the mismanagement of your boys care by the NHS. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault, not at all. As for being angry I think I was frighteningly angry. It’s all horrible and undeserved but it seems to be part of what is really trauma. If it hadn’t become a bit more manageable I don’t think I’d be here to tell my story. Somehow Im getting some chinks of light and that is something to build on. Grieve in whatever way suits you. Finding different routines helped a bit too. Not constantly beating myself up really helps. Best wishes xxx
Yes trauma. That’s exactly the right word. I do feel traumatised. And I survived the trauma to some degree…as in, I’m alive. My son isn’t. Hence the guilt.
Oh jules i get that its wicked . You have so many un answered questions. Please dont blame yourself . Bloody hospitals i have no faith in them . Baby steps jules your in deep shock . We want to protect our children . And it gets taken out of our hands . Big hugs to you xx
I know what you mean. It seems wrong that we are alive when they had so much life before them. It is what’s happened tho. At first it’s just unbelievable and then becomes all too real. The advice I got on here was to take it a day or an hour at a time. Don’t expect too much of yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn’t stay at the worst level of intensity forever. Sending you hugs. Xx
I’ve not come across this thread before, though I recognise some of the posters from another thread. One thing about grief is it makes us feel so isolated. How can anyone else possibly understand? But reading about other people’s experiences makes me realise I’m not alone. We have to keep encouraging each other, even if it only helps a little. We need to share our thoughts.
I don’t know how long the raw grief will last. It’s still early days for me (4 months) since my beloved son died. I miss him and think about him all the time. I also worry about my remaining children and my grandchildren - they are all so precious. I sometimes wish I could “switch off” my thoughts.
Keep writing and sharing. Many thanks to all x
Hi Susan. I only put it on last Friday and I am overwhelmed by the support people are giving immediately even through their own heartbreak. I feel for all of you . How did your son die Susan? Don’t answer if you don’t want to. My son died 24th June. Its still very raw. I’m so sorry. Xx
My Oliver had a brain tumour. It was discovered three years ago. He had surgery and radiotherapy, and at one time we thought he had recovered. He had regular brain scans, and last December we learned that the tumour was back - inoperable this time. So the first few weeks and months of this year were agony as we watched him slowly decline. He was so brave. He died at home at the beginning of April - his lovely wife looked after him all the time. We were all there at the end. We all loved him so much - he was kind and clever and funny and a talented artist. The sunshine of my life.
He was also the daddy to two children. So my heart aches for everyone. I don’t mind you asking, as I like to talk about him and how much I loved him. I was so proud of him - still am.
It’s very early days for you, Jules. I know how painful it is, and I am so sorry.
Keep posting. We have to keep going for everyone else. xx
I’m so sorry…to watch your son suffer like that for so long is awful. Its remembering the suffering of my son that hurts so much. I was powerless to help. He was so scared. He didn’t want to die.
Oh ladys such early days sam passed 27th april 2021 had just had his 25th birthday. It seems like yesterday four months he was gone very brave our superhero he had sarcoma a rare cancer .hate to swear but life is shit taking our babys . Its all so wrong .ladys i wouldnt survive without this site . So many emotions take care my friends baby steps xxxx love and hugs zoe 
How beautiful your words are , I also lost my Son and understand perfectly what you are going through. I am thinking of you and send you loving thoughts x