It’s a long day at work but I am nearly through it. I met the bereavement counsellor it was a bit strange as she kept referring to her experience of caring for her mother who h made me feel even more guilty. Yes a bit much I think Ally.
Deborah I took am in West Wales quite a way from you tho Taliesin. You need to build up your confidence with the driving I think.
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Hi Olive,
Just googled to see where you live and it’s not far from me at all. In fact just a month before my mum started getting ill I took her on holiday and we stayed at a place I think it was called Tan y Llyn. It was in a hotel right on the lake and I can only describe it as one of the most beautiful places in the world. I don’t think you live far from it. We toured all-around mid Wales then North Wales.
So if you want yo meet up when you feel stronger let me know and we could meet half way.
Hope you feel better today
Deborah x
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I used to study and work in South Wales many years ago - Pontypridd and Cardiff! Im in Buckinghamshire now. Thats crazy that you cant get an appointment Deoborah- this has definitely been going on way too long! Keep pushing for that appointment 
Yes, thats not massively helpful of your counsellor Olive that she hasnt picked up on that point and realised it makes you feel guilty - make sure you mention that to her next time - she wont mind! It takes a while i guess for them to get to know you.
Hi Ally,
My son is buying a flat in Cardiff at teh moment. Lovely city but has changed so much. I spent a lot of time there when i was in Uni. I went to Swansea Uni but had a friend in Cardiff Uni so stayed there a lot. Pontypridd the good old town where Tom Jones is from ,
I have had another prescription for antibiotics so just started taking them tonight. Couldn’t actually get to see the GP but spoke to her on the phone.
Olive you will always get people who tell you stories of how they cared for their mums. I dont think people realise how it tugs at our hearts when we hear the stories though and then analyse everything which in turn makes us feel guilty because we may not have done the same.
I do think the counsellor should have just listened to you more and kept quiet about her own experiences of caring for her mum. Maybe she was showing you she was experienced and wanted you to know she understood Who knows !!
Thats all that matters is that you went to the session after having a few horrible nights so well done . Keep showering yourself with praise.
Do you think writing a few targets for each night would help and stick to them. Maybe make a timescale eg 6 to 7 pm do this and so on. Thats what I do. I know its sounds daft and people may think I am bonkers but it all helps me
Anyway love to you all
Deborah x
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well the target thing is not a bad idea, I was about to go home an collapse in a pit of despair after work but a colleague who is off ill at home asked me to drop some food shopping off with her, i did and she persuaded me to go for a short walk, 4 miles later i have just got home, so it kept me pout of my pit for that bit longer.
i had to take a break in my car today away from people for a short while.
I am in the flower shop tmrw but that is an early finish i don’t class that as work really more therapy and getting me out of the house.
im not sure what to think about the counsellor maybe its what i deserve being constantly reminded that i failed to do my best by her.
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Hi Olive,
Only now read your post and have been out and about today. Then when I got home I tried to keep busy with jobs around the house.
No you didn’t deserve what the counsellor said so don’t even think like
that.
You have done well today getting out so give yourself some praise.
Always have plans a b or c in place when you get a really tough moment.
I have small jobs I do in the middle of the night when I wake and start thinking back.
Usually jobs in my kitchen that I can go quietly. It helps. In the day I try to go into the garden when I am feeling terribly sad and like you I go for a short drive to a local beach. I usually stop in the car park with views of the beach and read a magazine or get out and take some photos. I also like taking photos of the flowers in my garden.
Flower pressing I love Aldo and making cards. Or decorating candles with them.
I also love making my own bath bombs and experimenting with different colours ,shapes and fragrances. Adding things like rose petals, rosemary and other herbs is fun.
It helps me relax when I get flashbacks.
It’s so lovely you go to the flower shop. It must be wonderful working with do many pretty flowers. I would love to have been a florist.
Will catch up tom sometime with you.
Ally hope you are ok also
Love Deborah x
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i had a good day yesterday and felt almost normal, today is the opposite, i managed to walk but then back to my pit to get out now to go the launderette,
my sister rang to say she had collected mums ashes, knocked me back.
Hi Olive,
When you had the phone call from your sister it was bound to set you back. It’s seems so unreal.
I remember when I collected mum’s. I felt sick to my stomach but just wanted to bring her home with me.
It’s the most awful feeling ever.
Having mum’s ashes here with me brings me great comfort. I feel I am still looking after her.
Even though you are having a bad day today you are still pushing forward and going to the launderette so we’ll done. It’s all about taking small steps. You are doing everything you can. Don’t do too much.
What are your plans for the week ?
Deborah x
I am at the launderette now in the rain with a flask of tea. My washer has been kaput for months . As I was at mums at the weekends I was taking it there and hadn’t bothered to buy one. Now at least it made me get out of bed I suppose.
Next week work Mon Tues Fri and flwr shop Thursday and Sat. My sister is left with sorting the house with her daughter as I am so far away, she seems ok with it all and seemed ok about having mum with her.
I just never can tell with her and I can’t tell her how broken I am (I know it’s my fault) .
You have no idea what this contact means to me.
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I hope you are feeling better and the medication is kicking in.
Just seen some one who was also sixty this year and she said it’s good to be here (in Welsh)
Really don’t feel that is the case for me today I know breathe through that is all I can do.
I suppose it’s harder when you are on your own too much time to think
Hiya Olive,
Aww you are trying so so hard. Keep going lovely because it will ease in time.
Do you speak Welsh?
I am not fluent but my son is . He used to film Heno and Prynhawn Da. Are you living anywhere near where the Urdd was this year ?
Leave your sister sort out as much as possible.
And guess what . My washing machine broke down last week and i now have mums as i brought it back with me.
Keep going and when you get home have a lovely cuppa.
Deborah x
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No I don’t really speak it but my son is fluent.
I brought my flask of tea with me to drink in the car whilst I wait.
Yes keep going I know, I feel so ashamed and sick to my stomach . I know well I think I know that I ha e to learn to live with it. But it’s hard to see the point sometimes.
I am of some use to.others and will find ways to help more.
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Hi Olive,
Of course you are of some help to others.
How old is your son?
My son is 29. Dont know where the years have gone.
Bet you are home by now having that cuppa
Deborah x
yes i have managed to make myself an omelette, my son is 23 and trans so will be my daughter soon if they fully transition.
they will graduate in November in York minster that will be a challenge!
Aww you will love the graduation ceremony. Our son’s was at Swansea and it was such a moving event to see so many young people celebrating all their hard work with such wonderful hopes for the future. I loved every minute of it.
What would your son and daughter like to do when they leave?
I am going to have an early night tonight as have a blood test early in the morn but will check in with you tom
Deborah x
Ah, nice that your sons are fluent in Welsh @olive3 & @seychelles. I’ve been learning for 4 years. I live in England but am half Welsh. 
well done, i have lived and worked here for 23 years and have never mastered it! but you pick up a bit. my son considers himself as welsh
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morning no sleep last night i should have taken a sleeper. work today just 8 hrs to get through. already thinking of being back in bed. its all seems pointless
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Keep going Olive.
Half the day has gone so your day will soon be over.
Deborah x