Hi you too have been very supportive to others on the group, I hope you managed to enjoy the sun today.
Aw thank you Olive 
ive been battling with a severe headache all weekend so didnt feel great - its still with me today but improving. How are you doing today? 
I hope youâre ok, Deborah? Havenât heard from you since you were waiting for the results.
Hiya Ulma,
So sorry I thought I had replied.
Blood tests were all fine. But the lump in my neck is in the lymph gland so worrying I have to wait three weeks to see if it goes. If not I have to have a scan which I am dreading. I had cancer five hrs ago and scans worry me.
Just hope it goes asap.
Have you been ok ?
Sending love
Deborah x
Im trying not to let the depression set in sorry really trying. Not sure what to do
Theres no need to apologise! I think you are already doing the right things - youve been to the GP, youve accessed counselling, you reduced your hours at work i think, and youre posting here. Its tiny, tiny steps at this stage. Its a long, painful journey with no quick fixes unfortunately. Would you consider going to a support group for bereaved people? That may provide you with more local support. That has been a real lifeline for me alongside this site. Plus if your GP hasnt already scheduled a review with you, I would make sure you book one yourself. I dont have any personal experience of anti depressants but i believe there are different ones and what works for one person may be less effective for someone else.
Glad to hear the blood tests were fine! And Iâll hope with you, keeping my fingers crossed, that the neck swelling goes away as soon as possible. I understand the worry, what with everything youâve been through.
Itâs been a tough week so far for me. Weâll see how the rest of it goes.
hi Ulma sorry your having a tough week, hope the sun brings some respite.
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well the longest day has certainly been that, the sun is setting now and i can only think of mum and feel i let her down. We lost her to dementia on the 26th of April this year, I could have done better i donât know who i am i donât know how to be .
Ive been tormented a lot this week Olive with thoughts that i let Mum down when she needed me most, that I wasnt the daughter she deserved, so i understand in some part just how heartbreaking that feels 
But i also know i cant go back and change anything, however much i would like to. I think all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and not look any further ahead than the next step. Sending hugs
I know step by step no going back .
sending you thoughts for a better weekend
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If I was you and I strongly recommend it that you should get a sick note from your doctor, if you havenât even had the funeral how can you cope with work. They will not sack you for it and should be understanding. X
Just checking in with you Ulma.
Floods of tears for me this morning but distraction distraction distraction .
Thoughts x
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Thanks Olive. No tears here yet, just an overwhelming despair. It all really sucks, doesnât it? And we can only distract ourselves to a certain point, but yes, distraction distraction and more distraction.
Hi Ulma i hope you are well, I cannot get the images of mum when she was on end of life out of my head. I close my eyes and there she is I hear a tune and I am back at her bed side for all those hours. All I can do is cry, what good is that for anyone.
Itâs good for - you - to cry, or rather, better than keeping it locked inside. But I know itâs exhausting and I understand how difficult the flashbacks are to cope with. Try to focus on something else when it happens. I know one tip is to focus on three things. Three things you hear, three things you can feel and three things you can see. Go through it several times if you have to. Itâs supposed to ground you to the present instead of being stuck in the flashback.
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Hi Ulma how are you ?
the crying has stopped atm and that feeling of despair is in the pit of my stomach
i hope you have a good day
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Hi Ally I hope you are having a better week.
i canât breathe this morning I know it will pass it will be two months tmrw since mum passed,it seems to be getting worse. I am trying so much to just carry on as normally as I can.
Hi Olive - its not been a great week so far but thank you for asking! 
I know everyones grief is different, but for me around that 2-4 months seemed particularly horrendous - i know thatâs little comfort to you but just to give you some assurance that its not unusual for things to feel worse. 2 months is still really recent - its no time at all. For me the pain kicked in with a vengeance - i had started attending a support group but i struggled so hard to cope with the intensity of the grief when i was alone. And i felt worn down by dealing with daily grief for the last 60 days. It really was a case of just hanging on every day, exactly as you are, and finding the support wherever i could to get me through, whether that was meeting a friend, posting here or going to my support group. Do you still have access to counselling on a regular basis?