Well long nights with broken sleep, i dreamt mum was folding clothes my thought in the dream she is here folding clothes. I awake and I am devastated .
Iām sorry, that is so hard. 
hope you are all enjoying these Autumnal days of mellow fruitfulness.
How are you doing ?
A strange numbness has come over me I will be going back to scatter mums ashes on Saturday. I have no idea what my sister is expecting but I think I will be doing some tip runs as well.
It will be hard to face everyone
I have let them all down so much
Hi Ally sending
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Hi Olive, i hope it all goes ok Saturday - where will you be scattering them? I apologise now if im not in contact over the next couple of weeks - its my first anniversary at the end of this month and already im finding things extremely difficult as im also having to prepare the house for sale. And a funeral to attend the day after the anniversay. So its just a whole series of difficult events at the moment, and my natural response is to go into hiding 
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im sorry to hear that , dont hide away for too long we will all be thinking of you
Sending hugs and strength to you for Saturday. You will manage it, I know, but of course it will be painful. 
Itās been difficult now, with it soon coming up to a year. Lots of memories resurfacing and guilt as well.
dark nights
dark mornings
dark thoughts settling
feeling settled, feeling numb
knowing that its only ever down to one .
sharing helps donāt know why, just to say
my thoughts are with you Ulma xx
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What do you do when nothing matters
Traveling back to scatter mums ashes tmrw .
Iām almost expecting her to be there .
Havenāt been bk since her funeral in May.
Iām not the same person so much shame and guilt. Iām sorry
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xxxxx 
xxxxx
Will you stay over or go home right away? Iāll be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope it goes as well as it can go. I donāt know what to do when nothing matters. I try every day, but havenāt figured it out. Maybe the only thing we can do is let the days pass.
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I will go there and back on the day, yes I am just marking off the days, they start with despair mellow into distraction and end with tiredness and disbelief only to start again it seems.
I try to make them count
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Thinking of you today Olive
Hi olive
I recently lost my mum 5 weeks ago to lung cancer and I also looked after her and stayed with her till the end.
Reading your message and how u r feeling sounds familiar to me.
I feel so numb inside Iāve havenāt had time to process anything as had to organise the funeral and all mums other things.
I feel this isnāt normal ā¦ I keep busy all the time and support my children.
Iām not at work at the moment as over whelmed
Big hugs for you in case you log in when you get back.
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Hi Donna. Iām sorry youāve lost your mum. What you describe sounds very normal, just wanted you to know that. Youāre still in shock and you having been her carer takes a toll both physically and mentally.
Thank u for your message. It gives me comfort knowing this is normal and no set process
I have gone away for a couple of days on my own as feel I need it for myself as if I stay at home Iāll fill my time with distractions
Now Iām away for a couple of days and nervous and scared to sit still and my thoughts