Hi Donna - it can be really hard to sit with those difficult thoughts and emotions, we naturally shy away from anything we know is going to be upsetting. Be gentle with yourself, dont try and force it. Maybe as a start point write your thoughts and feelings down in a journal, even if thats “if feel numb” or “i feel worried about letting my feeings out” . Or write a letter to your Mum? 
It can help to get it out of your head onto paper.
Thank u for your message I have take a notebook and have started writing down how I feel or think in that moment.
I agree I am trying to shy away from my emotions but also I feel so lost within myself and don’t know who I am also .
I have children and a husband and great friends but I’m still feeling lost
Its so hard, Donna - i lost my mum nearly a year ago after caring for her full time for the last year of her life. People who havent been through it cant comprehend the impact it has - i felt like my soul had literally been ripped out 
Facing that pain is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but there is also something cleansing/healing in releasing that emotion - tears shed in grief contain stress hormones and toxins so you’re actually getting that stuff out of your body. Take care 
Thank u for your kind words x I’m sorry to hear about your mum x when caring for your mum u change roles from daughter to her carer which is very hard to process
I managed all mums appointments, treatments and looked after her till the end x x at home where she wanted x it was an honour to be able to support her and look after her xx
But now I feel empty but I agree I’m trying to let these emotions out and cry xx
Take care of yourself too x x and thank u x
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Hello Ally Ulma and all. At a loss today I seem to have come to a halt.
Nonwork today but spent this morning in work calls and emails.
Since then can’t move drive to the beach to walk couldn’t get out of the car for one and half hours. Back home sat in the car for half an hour thought right walk down the lane got as far as theayby and stopped here.
Sorry I know it’s sounds mad now I have tried it out . Just nothing as the night dexends
What’s wrong with me sorry
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Theres nothing wrong with you Olive, youre grieving, and that will take all shapes and forms You scattered your mums ashes last weekend, which is a big deal. Maybe your body is telling you it just needs to stop, and rest - perhaps you are trying to do too much, too soon? I certainly would not be able to handle a job plus voluntary work like you are doing, either physically or mentally! It takes me until around 2pm each day just to start functioning properly! Please make sure you keep yourself safe Olive - i dont like to think of you down some lane/layby in the dark on your own. Please get yourself back home or at least back into the safety of your car. Will you let us know when you’re home please?
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Hi yes I am home, its very safe down the lane its not far, thank you for your concern, sorry I wouldn’t want to worry anyone.
very dark now so early as well.
I have shop work tmrw so it will get me out of bed early
Glad to know youre home safe do you have time this weekend to allow yourself some rest? See how you feel, but listen to whatever your body is telling you.
Olive, you’re in terrible pain and the scattering of ashes must have torn up all the memories again. You are not wrong and there’s nothing wrong with you. I know that feeling of just stopping. I stop sometimes in the middle of a walk or stop breathing for a moment. I think it’s because our energy reserves get all drained out, we’re running on empty until we can’t run and then just can’t at all. Huge hugs.
This is it .
I get through the minutes, hours , days weeks and months.
My brain has accepted she has gone, I have a constant narrative.
Guilt, shame, incredulous of the person I am, it makes no sense.
I watch a world I cannot be part of it is alien to me.
This is it.
I meant this is how it is now.
I understand. The world seems alien to me too, like I don’t belong or even want to belong. It’s an achievement to get through every day, that’s how I see it now. We should pay ourselves on the back every evening. Have you thought about counselling again?
No I thought I would leave it for now, I have nothing new to say , it feels like i am looking for an excuse or for
someone to exonerate me. Which maybe I am, I guess you just bargain with yourself until you convince yourself its ok.
I feel i don’t deserve to belong.
It doesnt matter if you have nothing new to say, its your story and thats enough Grief is a hard, hard journey and you are hurting so badly and trying to work out how you fit in this new scary world. Plus your previous counsellor said she believed you were struggling with trauma? A specialist counsellor should help you process that - you dont have to make this journey alone. We all need as much support as we can get right now.
Olive, you’re in Wales, right? This might be worth a try, if they are close to you? I know it feels like you have nothing new to say, but that’s the point, they are there to listen to you even if you repeat yourself a thousand times. The grief might not be budged, but you do need support to handle the guilt.
Thank you this is the one she suggested to me. I just don’t think I can do it at the moment, I just spent yest afternoon stopping a young person from killing himself and helping an older person get life saving treatment. I relly don’t know what is what any more I am numb.
I cant talk to anyone else .
You know the safety demo they give on airplanes about putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs? You are doing fantastic work helping others - theres a family out there that might have lost their loved one and havent, because of you. But if you want to keep helping others, you have to look after yourself first. Youll know when you’re ready🫂
Ok, that’s good, then you know who to contact when you feel up to it. I agree with Ally, it’s wonderful that you help others and I understand why you want to, but to look after others you also need to look after yourself. Please try to, we all care about you here and your family does too.
Seven months.
“You have to stop thinking like this”
Seven months
“Move on”
Seven months .
“You did what you did or didn’t do it’s done”.
Seven months
I know .
Seven months is no time at all when it comes to grief, Olive - i remember at that stage feeling guilty and self conscious that i was wallowing in my grief and my counsellor reassured me no, you just have to keep sitting with it.
On a serious note, i really hope that my recent messages have not come across as “you must stop thinking like this”. I would find that totally unsupportive if someone said that to me (in fact it happened last week!) and if its come across that way i am sorry. I care about you, and hate to see the guilt monster consuming you, but this is your journey that you have to make at your own pace
You certainly dont need to “move on” - your mum is always going to be part of you, so sadly the grief will be too, but i do believe that over time it will change. But its still very early days, so just hang on in there. And in between your job and your voluntary work, please make sure you make time for YOU as well, thats really important