no its not as easy as that at all .
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Hi Olive,
How are you tonight?
Just thought I would check in on you?
I had to go to the GP earlier and saw loads of people being happy and couldnât get my head around it.
Wanderers 100 I know what you mean. My mum would be upset if she knew the state I was in and would roll her eyes like she usually did and I would instantly snap out of whatever was bothering me. Mum would want me to go and live my life to the fullest, have fun, travel and if course be happy. However as Olive said itâs not as easy as that. But we have to plough through each day and thatâs exactly what we are doing. We canât do anymore than that and by simply doing that trying to get through each day the best we can then I know our mumâs would be so dam proud of us. That in itself is enough. We are enough and we have to somehow believe we can get through this because we can.
For me itâs starting a new life. One I honestly donât want but I have no choice. My mumâs mum died on childbirth and her dad died of TB when she was just 2 yrs old so her grandparents brought her up. She often told me she had to be extra strong as a child and as an adult. I like to think she is willing me on to be as strong as her.
When her grandparents died she was only 24 and had no family in the world. So I know I have to be strong because she was so inspirational in her life.
Olive when are you leaving to go to your mumâs house? Will you meet up with your sister when you arrive?
I stayed at my mumâs house the night before her funeral and felt so close to her. It was very comforting.
Sending a Welsh cwtch(hug).
Deborah xx
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I am inconsolable tonight the tears just wont stop , i will go at 6am as i have greenery to find and maybe a few more flowers and i want to have plenty of time to make them up and deliver the funeral directors. i donât think i will see my sister not sure, though it might be nice to add something from her garden there is some Campanula from mine.
i know I am not enough I have to get through mumâs funeral and make sure all is well.
I spoke at dads funeral 14 years ago but i wont be able to on Wednesday, all I would manage to say is sorry so sorry to have let you down mum and ask her to forgive me.
sorry to ramble Iâm crying as i post this . so ashamed of myself.
My mum was strong as well, but in the end she was so quiet,
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you should start a new life and live it to the fullest.
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It breaks my heart to read your post olive. I am new to this group and i recently lost my mum, 3 months ago. She rang me the night she died but didnt speak, i cpuld just hear the tv in the background. I thought it was a pocket call. My mum was fit and healthy so didnt think for one minute there was anything to worry about. I thought to ring her back on the land line later but didnt remember until 11.40pm which was too late. The next day i went to work and it wasnt until 2pm i remembered the call so called her back with no answer. Semt my brother round to check on her and she was collapsed dead at the top of the stairs.
I am a paramedic, can you imagine my guilt that i didnt call her back the night before? And that when i did arrive at her house she was already dead and there was nothing i could do to help her. The post mortem said she had pneumonia which i struggle with as she wasnt even unwell. I work in a gp surgery andni prescribe antibiotics every day for chest infections yet i couldnt help my mum. It sucks. But also listenkng to your story i see it daily with my patients and their families. Your mum wanted to stay at home and you respected her wishes, thats amazing and would have meant the world to her. You would be surprised how many families will go against their wishes as they thinknthey know best. We cant change how things ended, and that is the hardest thing. Ive gone back to work and have learnt a lot from my experience, and am now much more empathetic then i was before. Please stop giving yourself such a hard time, you did what was right at the time and im sure your mum loved you for that x
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Those are lovely words and certainly I empathise 100% with you. I still go over so many what ifs with my mum and my dad. And I never get the answer I want. I miss mum so badly and I have no one left. I did so much for them both in the last few years and then thatâs it. No purpose in life. All my friends just seem to âmove onâ. My friendâs dad died and I supported her by going to the funeral. No thanks or anything. 2 months later sheâs on a foreign holiday!!! Iâm just broken and itâs been 2 and a half years.
My heart goes out to you @Loubeelou 
I have no words, but just wanted to say im so sorry for your loss and what youve been through 
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i am at mums doing her flowers i cant believe it i am so broken, floods of tears, i let her down, i have been through the house looking but she is not here.
why was i not here with her in the last six months.
i am truly worthless.
the sun is shining on her garden she loved her garden how can it shine .
i have to get through tmrw how can i go on after that.
i should have been here. i am so sorry mum.
Hi Olive,
Well done on getting yo your mumâs. I have been thinking of you.
I know itâs tough going to her house when she isnât there.I had to do It also and the only way I got through it was to pretend she was upstairs or in the garden etc .I know she wasnât but it got me through. I also felt her presence in the house urging me to keep going and itâs hard to explain but it did. I could almost hear her say that I had to go continue , things had to be done, people were relying on me and I felt this great overwhelming ferling of her by my side. Itâs hard to describe but she was with me like I am sure your mum is with you.
Have you done her flowers yet?
How about your sister? Have you had a chance to see her?
When I was at my mumâs house I opened the back door and she always had it open, put the TV on, switched on her colourful wax burner, made food, sprayed her perfume etc All these things helped me after of course having a good cry. I wanted to feel her with me because she made the house a home.
Am not saying you should do these things as we are all different but just wanted to share what I did. Do whatever you feel is best for you.
I will check in later on you .
Keep going because my goodness you are doing do so well.
Love Deborah xx
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yes i have finished her flowers just waiting for my sister to reply to see if she wants ti write a card, i cant remember if we put one on dads, i donât think so.
I cried whilst doing them well i havenât stopped yet.
one of her neighbours just came up to offer me his sympathy (they never bothered with mum she would always say they donât speak, but i had ti remind her she didnât speak to them either it was always just her and dad. anyway i just cried got a feeling i am going to be pretty useless tmrw.
just to echo ally so sorry for what happened.
I have just done mums flowers and am taking them up to the funeral directors in a min. I want to ask to see her but i cant as she is not in the chapel.
sound strange but i want to be near her .
i looked for her when i got here i so expected her to be sat in the sun room when i turned round in the garden where i did her flowers. I added the white clematis that she could see from her chair. i said i was sorry when i added the Campanula from my garden.
A neighbour walked over to offer his sympathy all i could do was nod and cry.
You are strong to be back in work i could not do it when i tried last week.
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Hi Olive,
Itâs perfectly normal to cry when doing the flowers. You are only human. Itâs so lovely that you did the flowers yourself with touches of your mumâs flowers from the garden. Itâs so thoughtful of you.
I found that with neighbours. Whenever I went to mumâs house someone came to the house and as I didnât want to be rude I put up with them and like you I cried for most of the conversations with anyone.
Some people are genuinely caring but others are downright nosey and just want to know whatâs going on so they can be the first to know to spread whatâs going on
My mum kept to herself but when she passed oh my goodness people came out of the woodwork and to her house asking me all sorts of questions. In the end I locked the door and didnât answer. Just said I had gone to lie down.
You are not going to be useless tom.
You will do your mum proud. Cry as much as you want and if you feel like taking 5 mins away from people after the service then do so. At mums funeral tea I took myself off to the toilets many times to have a few minutes to recharge. I could face people a little better then.
Get through tonight as best you can. Have an early night and try to get a few hours sleep.
There are lots of people on here who care so much about you and will be her for you tonight and Tom when you post.
Deborah x
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Thats lovely that youve added some clematis from your mums garden. It would have been mum and dads 65th wedding anniversary this week so im preparing some flowers for the cemetery, and also a vase in the house by their wedding photo, and i shall light a candle.
Dont worry if you cry through tomorrow- as Deborah said, just slip away every now and then if you need to. I was dreading it, but for me some self preservation mechanism kicked in and i was unable to shed a tear all day - it was like my brain had just flicked a switch. Ive shed plenty since then! But it was comforting to be surrounded by people who also cared for mum, and could share their memories of her.
Weâll be thinking of you tomorrow.
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numb this morning at a loss.
paralysed with guilt i let her down, i should have done so much better she deserved better. so small so quiet in the end, i can never forgive myself, I can hardly remember the person she was just those awful two months of EOL seeing her fade every day spending hours with her it seems to have blocked everything else out. I should have been with her before that . who am I, I have to face all these people today with that dark truth in my heart.
Aw Olive, try not to let your guilt overshadow today. The fact that you wish you could have done more shows you love your Mum deeply (although its perfectly possible to love someone without holding onto guilt as well).
I hope being surrounded by those who care for your mum brings you some comfort today - weâll be thinking of you
Hi Olive,
You did everything you did at the time so donât let your guilt feelings now overshadow everyone you now do in your life.
You were an amazing daughter even if you think otherwise.Tjis feeling is grief and itâs hitting you do hard. It will ease a little in time. Give yourself time lovely because you are worth it.
I am talking from experience. I was the same state 15 mths ago.
We are here for you.
Concentrate on today and get through it the best you can. I am thinking of you and will be all day.
You are doing your mum proud . You really are.
She will be with you today urging you on.
Will check on you later
Deborah x
well its over many tears at the service with me anyhow, i manged to keep it together just enough to make sure i spoke to all and thank them for coming.I think it went well, my flowers covered mums coffin, i so wanted to touch her one last time and say goodbye. Its all a bit of a blur. thank you all for your support
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Youâve been so brave. You got through it and it went ok. It sounds lovely that it was your flowers that covered her. Try to breathe now. Have the others gone home so youâre alone?
im home at my house now, ir was strange at mums i kept expecting her to be there
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Yes, of course. It feels so terribly unreal that they arenât there. I hope you will be able to get some sleep tonight and Olive, try to give yourself some kindness, in your thoughts and perhaps something you do, a treat or a cup of tea, you DO deserve that after the events today.