I had my panel observation and have to say my mind was blown, the foster carers were so inspirational, it was a lot and my first instinct was that I wasnt up to the job, not enough knowledge or confidence. I resited telling them that and have been trying to convince myself that I can do it only just!!!
That sounds great Olive - its completely understandable that youre going to feel daunted at first, just give it time. As your knowledge and experience grows, so will your confidence 
Thank you had more stuff through today so lots of reading to do.!
I cant believe how grief changes everything you feel think and believe, hind sight is 20 20 and if we only knew.
strength to everyone .
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just cant stop the tears tonight just dont know
Sending huge hugs to you Olive 
Sometimes it just comes up in these waves and theres nothing we can do but let it happen. I hope you eventually managed to get some rest
Huge hugs. I hope you got some sleep in the end. Itâs so awful when those waves crash over you late at night when youâre alone.
Hi Olive,
Hope you are feeling a bit better.
Sending a hug
Deb x
âfeeling better these daysâ was the question, as in why wouldnt you be,
Because I didnt do the right thing, because I cant live with myself. because I cant make it right , because I let her down, because I dont know why other than I am a monster who deserves to be punished. There is no redress no punishment just a shadow following me every minute of the day waiting untill I stop . It then envelops me and I am powerless , maybe thats the punishment , what I deserve I certainly dont deserve sympathy .
"I ok " I reply because I cannt voice any of the above being her is not what I want but its not easy to opt out and it causes so much distress in its wake so I cant cause even more pain with a selfish act. Its getting harder its different Im different the world is different. I keep swimmimg I cant stop .
not sure that rant made sense cant see through these endless blinking tears
Dearest Olive, I hear your deep pain and distress with every word you share. 
Know that you are not alone, there are people here that care about you, and thats our choice regardless of whether you feel you deserve it or not Weâre all walking these similar paths and its heartbreaking seeing the daily struggles we each go through just to get through another day. 
I wish i had a magic wand that I could lift your pain from you, even for a moment. Please keep posting, weâre all here for you, but If things are feeling too overwhelming please consider reaching out to a helpline such as the Samaritans - you dont have to do this alone.
I am so grateful I can post, please dont worry about me, I have passed the stage where I would take any action other than retreat and carry on. I would also recomend the Samaritans in that moment of distress as it does pass.
Sorry if my post was a bit brutal, I didnt mean to upset anyone there is no magic wand there is no one to forgive me I do own my wrong doing I can voice it only here , sorry.
It wasnt brutal Olive, it was honest and sometimes it takes a lot of courage to open up and show that vulnerability, when weâre so used to carrying our pain within and hiding it from the world. I could reason with you till the cows come home about how you have no need to feel such deep guilt, but i think we all come to our own truths in our own time when our heart and soul are ready its so hard seeing so many people in pain and feeling helpless to do anything other than just be there and say âi hear you, im with youâ Sending you lots of hugs today Olive.
all i can say is thank you.
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Hi Olive,
I second everything Ally has written. Couldnât have put it better myself.
As you know when it gets all so overwhelming we just have to go with it and at least now after a long time we know it will eventually pass. And thank goodness it does!!!
So please donât apologise because you donât need to.
We have been there and having the courage to write about it is just you being so honest.
Deb
Oh, Olive. I wonât try to convince you, because I know too well that unless we feel it in our hearts there is nothing anyone can say that makes us feel less guilty. But like Ally, I can say that I hear you and I understand and we all care.
Morning Olive - its beautifully sunny and warm here, im catching some autumn sun in the garden while i can. Sending you some Monday hugs 
Hi @olive3 Im just checking in as Iâve not heard from you for a while 
How is the foster panel going - are you settling into it a bit more now? 
Hi Ally thank you for asking it has been delayed for nw at their end, so not sure whats going on now.
how are things with you?
Oh thats a shame, I hope it resumes again soon 
October is a difficult time for me - Im approaching Mums 2nd anniversary next week, I know you understand how heart wrenching these anniversaries are. 
My brother and I will visit the cemetery on Sunday, but the actual day I prefer to spend alone.
Hi Ally,
I always spend anniversaries alone too. Just me and my memories.
Deborah x
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her love is always with you so you are never really alone. x
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