hi everyone,
I have just come out of five hours in A nd E as i needed some anti biotics for an infected hand. all was well we waited stoicaly with the British spirit, I helped an elderly gentleman who was confused and a youg person who was distraught.
when I was taken through for treatment “no no allergies not too much pain” I answered and then like a ton of bricks the memories flooded in.
having to constantly ask for pain relief for mum having to decide when the heavy duty Fentonyl was needed having to call 111 at the pharmacy to get it cleared for them to give it to me to take back to the NH.
having to beg for some medication and being made to wait for hours until three am and then arguig with the nurse until she gave in and checked the notes and administered the drug. wathching an agency nurse talking on his phone, handing out medication when he hadnt even read the notes.
Having to beg for that final injection as they couldnt top upthe driver for an hour and she was obviously in pain. Then the breath stops.
My nurse was very flustered and confused when she came back with the tablets and a sling as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Im fine thank you” and I took my leave and the tears wont stop.
At a loss not sure they ever stop. sorry no one else to tell
Huge hugs to you Olive. Those dark, distressing memories that so many of us hold have the power to just totally floor us. And when you’re already fighting an infection AND have spent 5 hours in A&E, you’re already in a vulnerable place - im so sorry
Just take care of yourself now and try and get some rest. Hopefully the antibiotics will start working soon. Sending you much love
Goodness me, you’ve been through a lot. Huge hugs from me too. I know how the bad memories can hit you and it’s no wonder they did so when you were in that place. Take care now and let the antibiotics work their way. Keep us updated if you can.
Im honestly not being a downer and I dont mean to I have no idea why but I just can not stop crying. As soon as I stopthe distractions, but it also spills out (literally) in the oddest places at random times .
Any ideas why?
Hi Olive - i think its pretty natural that this time of year brings up a lot of emotions for everyone. And its still early days in grief terms so dont be hard on yourself. Some of the numbness that we feel in the early days wears off and our bodies gradually let us feel a little more at a time. Do you give yourself the time and space to grieve and let your emotions out? If youre trying to fill all your time with distractions and busyness, the grief doesn’t go away - it just sits and waits for you. So that may be another possible reason - its just building and building and eventually it has to spill out somewhere.
Hi I hope you are all getting through the dark December month, not long now till the days lenghten and the light comes.
I never expected such inescapable sadness such raw emotion so close to the surface all the time, such guilt such shame , the fact I dont deserve to be here, the fact I cant check out as it will perperuate the pain for at least one person,
But then I never expected anything there lies the problem I cant stop distracting I cant keep on distracting nothing in the middle.
Sorry guys Sunday morning and a bad head, cant get out of my bed.
Sending hugs, Olive. I do understand your feelings. There’s nothing in the middle for me either, it’s distract or break, and I have to talk myself into doing the most basic things every day, like eating. I wish I had a solution for us all. But we’re here to listen and you never have to be sorry for sharing your emotions.
It definitely is an time of the year. Even though I thought I had it under control I have found myself at breaking point over the tiniest things. Seeing people out shopping with their elderly mums has been staggeringly painful fog or me. Literally stops me in my tracks as my memories come flooding back. I would give anything to have my mum back to go shopping with.
We just have to keep going somehow. Distracting myself with planning something to do every day has helped .Even if it’s only small tasks .
We will get through Christmas. And thankfully we have this site to be there for us.
There’s also a meteor shower tonight apparently for anyone struggling to sleep! How are you doing Olive? Its such a tough time of year.
It was the shelf of chilled turkeys in the supermarket that set me off last week @seychelles - it was always my job to go to the shops a few days early and buy the turkey for Mum “just in case” they sold out. I still can’t stomach Christmas dinner yet.
It really is a tough time. i just wish it was over and New Year as well. But it is nice that it will start to get lighter again. Sending hugs to you all.
I know how you feel. Just going into a supermarket sets me off. I used to take mum and she had mobility issues so had to hold on to the trolley. I used to give her a bit of independence and she’d go up each isle and I would catch up with her. I still look up every isle just like j used to see if she was ok. I close my eyes and think come on mum come round the corner please. Then the dreaded lump comes in my throat as reality kicks in. Thankfully my husband has done the shopping for me so I haven’t had to go to supermarkets a lot. However his mum passed away a few weeks ago so he is going through triggers this Xmas too .
Im sorry to hear about your mother in law @seychelles , that must be so hard for both of you. I hope you’re both able to support each other over the Christmas period. Your memories sound so similar to mine - mum used to have mobility issues and I always felt happier when she was hanging on the trolley for support! The funny memory I have is although Mum was slow on her feet, i would always manage to lose her in the supermarket as soon as my back was turned and id swear she was hiding from me! I’d disappear to a different aisle to pick up some bits then return to where I’d left Mum and there would be no sign of her. Next aisle along? No sign! Next one? Nope! I would honestly walk up and down the whole store 5 times scanning every aisle, thinking “how far could she possibly have gone?” before eventually I might find her back where I first looked! Im sure she ran off and hid at the end of the shelves!
That made me laugh because my mum was the same. I could never work out how she got from A to B so quickly in Tesco. She was so slow walking and used to shuffle her feet but give her a trolley and she was away !!! I find it very hard going into the exact shops I went into with her and sometimes I will drive further away just to go to the same store but in a different town. I know it’s crazy to do that but her usual shops like Tesco and M and S are far too painful for me to go into without her.
It’s the same with other places in my hometown where my mum lived. I can’t go into coffee shops that we used to go to or the local Whetherspoons, Greg’s or the small independent shops. In fact losing mum meant I not only lost her but the house where I was brought up in ( had to sell it) but also my hometown as she was the last in my family to live there. So going there now is extremely painful without the added pain of not being able to go into many places. Its been 3 yrs this Dec that mum passed and in the beginning I thought that in time It would be different but I still can’t go into lots of places. I expect it will take a while.
Thankfully this site has been my lifeline for 3 years and has given me the support I have found invaluable. Knowing our people like yourself totally understand and can relate to things I am going through helps so much.
Those dark, distressing memories that so many of us hold have the power to just totally floor us. 
And when you’re already fighting an infection AND have spent 5 hours in A&E, you’re already in a vulnerable place - im so sorry 
Sending you much love 
But we’re here to listen and you never have to be sorry for sharing your emotions. 
time of the year. Even though I thought I had it under control I have found myself at breaking point over the tiniest things. Seeing people out shopping with their elderly mums has been staggeringly painful fog or me. Literally stops me in my tracks as my memories come flooding back. I would give anything to have my mum back to go shopping with.