long night so much guilt don’t know how to live with this,
logically i know i cant change anything but i cant get my head round the person that i am. at aloss as to how to sort this
Olive, dear. You have done so well, coming this far. But you need help to sort this, you shouldn’t have to do it alone. Could you afford a private counsellor, if there’s a wait for the grief counselling? 
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Thank you i am seeing someone on the 27th I know its not a magic wand but i am trying. The antidepressants will fully working by the fourth week which is next week.
I am supposed to be trying work again next week .
I am trying
I know you’re trying and it’s all any of us can do. Good to hear you have an appointment soon and if you feel you really can’t go back to work right away next week, tell them and your GP that, so you don’t get pressured into it too soon. I remember you had a demanding job and you are already exhausted from grieving.
hi Ulma i hope you are well, I am going into work today to see about a phased return.
I have to live with this, I have to cope somehow i have thought about not doing so but i think that has passed
I hope it went well discussing a phased return, that sounds like a good idea.
Don’t think about how you’ll be able to cope, just take it one minute at a time. It’s the standard advice, but it is helpful. Let things settle now and see how it goes with work and the counselling.
another day through
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hi every mourning waking up and reliving it all again.
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We should pat ourselves on the back for every day we manage to muddle through. It has been a bad one for me today, but it isn’t much longer to go until that too has passed. Somehow.
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Does any one wake up ok for a split second and and the bleakness of reality hits like a blow to the stomach?
Does this heavy feeling lesson the world goes on around you and you stand like a ghost watching it all happen.
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This is the horrible reality of grief - its not just that moment of losing someone, but its the repeated realisation of that loss day after day. 
Im not sure i would say grief lessens over time, but it changes. Behind the scenes the brain is literally rewiring itself to try and make sense of this new world without this person in it. So everything seems strange and unfamiliar and sometimes scary. Im 7 months in and i would say for me the gaps in between the waves of grief are sometimes longer than they were at the start - it becomes less all consuming. But the intensity when they do hit feels just as strong. Everyone is different and will probably share a different experience. Just allow yourself the space to grieve, and find a support network that works for you. That might be friends /family /counsellor /support group / church - potentially a combination of lots of different sources of support. Grief can feel incredibly isolating and can be exhausting for both the body and mind, having to pick yourself back up and carry on day after day. So having some support around really helps. 
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i just can move today just shaking
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i meant to say just shaking since i woke up this morning at 5am cannot move , have no where to go, no one to speak to. I just went back to bed and watched a film and i am now listening to the radio.
I do have missions for tomorrow , but today is empty., maybe tomorrow will be different
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Ah bless you, thats ok, some days will be worse than others and if you need to take a duvet day and watch a film, then do it! I live on my own and have no partner, no children so i understand how hard it is trying to support yourself all the time. But you reached out and posted on here - thats a good thing - there are always people here who understand. Sending hugs
another day starts and all was well for a second then the shakes start, my inner dialogue starts over and over, the rain falls and I go into automatic to get through the day.
the election is all over the news life goes on around me. I do not recognise myself at all
i got it all so wrong.
I think maybe i am not as strong as others, thank you for your support
I certainly do not regard myself as strong in any way - i am someone who struggles with fear over all sorts of things. Ive sobbed and wailed and thought this pain is going to destroy me. But as you say, the world keeps spinning, the sun keeps rising and suddenly you realise another day has passed, and another week, despite us wanting the world to just STOP. Having some kind of support network is definitely a help, and you have your counselling starting this week which is a positive step. Grief is a long journey- the deep love we hold for our mums is naturally going to create deep grief. Just hang on each day, youve come so far already Olive, you’re not alone
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HI Ally I am in work today, shaking already, I have not been in work for around thee months but i think if i leave it longer it will just get harder to go back. As you say the rest of the world just carries on and I guess I have to be part of it again, even if i don’t want to.
Just take it one hour at a time, and see how you go. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed dont be afraid to take a break and take yourself somewhere quiet ideally and do some breathing exercises just to calm everything down. Did you have your first meeting with your counsellor yesterday?
Hi Olive,
Sorry I havent posted lately but I have been away for almost a week and didnt have enough mobile data on my phone etc so switched off from the phone for a while. Am back home now and just read you r messages and caught up with where you are at.
Just want to say I think you have been very strong and got through such a lot in a week.
How did the meeting with the counsellor go ?
Did your work go ok ?
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi i managed to stay in work for a whole day, luckily there were no other staff around today and there was the odd tear or two. I am so glad that I am not in tmrw tho , back on on Friday. So overall I thought it went better than my first attempt.
My thoughts still going round and round in my head but i managed to keep them in.
The counsellor seems nice although she along with others say that you have to sit with grief and build up your own resilience for at least two months before seeking help.
I feel a fraud, to just carry on with my life, the guilt sits heavy with me and i don’t see the point of struggling through every day.
I think i will see if i can go down to three days a week and fill the rest with volunteering