Hi Olive,
Well done on getting through the day. You did well.
Three days sounds great.
Glad teh counselling has started. Keep going with it . I know its tough going. I have had many tears over the past week also. Small things remind me of my mum and take me by surprise
Guilt will be there for a long time but it will ease a little in time
You are not a fraud at all. Every day will be a struggle for a long time but it will ease a little in time .
Will check on you tom
Love Deborah x
Iām seeing the counsellor again today, i am not sure she will carry on with me my shame and guilt is so deep i know i can change nothing but living with myself is hard.
You are so kind and supportive of others in your grief, thank you so much.
"I am sorry "empty self serving words too late now as my mum would say.
I can only function when i have committed to doing something.
Hi Olive,
No need to thank me because we are all helping each other whilst we go through this horrible journey of grief.
Good about seeing the counsellor again today. Keep going to see her because everything will help even if you feel at times it doesnāt.
Your guilt feelings are not going to go away overnight so I understand how deep and painful they are. At the moment its all guilt you are seeing but in time i know it will ease because it has for me. There are moments when memories come back of course. It happened yesterday to me. I had a swollen foot and realised mum lived with constant swollen feet but never ever complained and there i was complaining all day lone. I instantly felt guilty for not doing more to help her and cried and cried so much. I wanted to scream because the guilt feelings were so powerful. I just wanted her back and felt sick to the core when i knew she couldnāt come back.
I also remember some of mums sayings. One was "dont worry about people who dont worry about you " . Another was " Donāt sit and do nothing Go out and enjoy your life " Another was " What will be will be " and " Your path in life is mapped out for you "
Functioning when you are committed to something is exactly how i used to be . I only got out of bed when i had to see someone. My atititude in the beginning was sod the world because i honestly didnt care about anyone or anything. Gradually I crawled out and faced the world.
Let me know how you get on with the counsellor.
Love Deborah x
I get guilt in hindsight too @seychelles when suddenly i see something mum went through in a new light. She lost my Dad suddenly aged just 64 and although i was completely grief stricken at the time, only now can i begin to appreciate the pain she must have felt. I know we all rallied round to provide practical support but i was so lost in my own grief i feel terribly guilty that maybe i wasnt there enough for Mum. We never really talked about it, we talked about Dad, but not how we were handling our grief. I just pray that her friends and sister who were around her at the time gave her that support when suddenly she found herself all alone at home 
Aww Ally6,
My dad died when my mum was 59 and i know what you mean. I am not sure I gave her the full support she needed at the time either as i was working with a busy stressful job etc. I look back and feel she must have been so so strong bless her.
Things will always trigger us and our guilt feelings will always be there under teh surface and will cause us many tears all our life i am sure
We just have to keep going one day at a time for now anyway until everything settles a bit more
How are you doing in yourself?
Love Deborah x
Im struggling a lot @seychelles, thanks for asking. The grief sits on me some days like a massive heavy overcoat, weighing me down - Monday i could barely move. I just dont have any hope or any direction and the thought that Iāve got to carry this the rest of my life fills me with dread. Most of the time, i dont share my feelings any more with family or friends, they dont want to know, so Iām just carrying this heavy weight and what for? I have a local support group where we can be honest with each other but i have no desire to go anywhere or do anything anymore - life has lost its meaning. Sorry to be on such a downer but this is the reality behind the scenes that my friends dont see.
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Hiya,
I get you and do understand. Itās natural to feel like you do . I do too. Everything is pointless without my mum. It really is. I just want her back with all my heart.
I know she would come back if she could.
I try to fill my days with mundane things drifting aimlessly through the hours of each day. I guess I hope someday it will get better and I can find some happiness again. We will see.
We are all different and what works for one person doesnāt for the next.
I know for me I just try to carry on each day making mum proud as I am sure she can see me.
Love Deborah x
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So difficult isnt it, coping with that pointless feeling. My mum struggled with medical issues all her life and was in pain for a lot of years but she seemed to have an amazing resilience to pick herself up and keep going. I dont feel Iāve inherited any of that strength from her! 
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The pointless feeling is definitely with me too, so much i should have done.
committing to doing things is the only way for me to move atm.
I went back to see the solicitor today, with my sister, very surreal.
thinking of both you kind people. x
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Hi Olive, I feel really ill tonight. Been in bed all day. Feel sick dizzy swollen glands broken toe and a lump in my groin so I feel everything has been thrown again me
Will be in touch tom
Deb x
Oh no, sorry to hear that Deborah. Please take care of yourself - do you think you need to call the GP? Its always horrible when these things happen going into the weekend. Thinking of you
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Hi Ally6
Been to the GP and got antibiotics so hope they work. Feel very run down at the moment so going to rest today and tom as much as i can.
Hope you and Olive are okish today
Love Deborah x
Im glad you managec to get through to the GP - please take it easy and I hope the antibiotics start kicking in soon 
Hereā hoping the antibiotics kick in soon and maybe a sit in the sunshine will help?
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Hi Ally and Olive,
Antibiotics have started to work along with the painkillers. Slept most of the day as felt worn out. Canāt sleep now.
I hope tom I feel better as I hate feeling like this.
Miss my mum so much more when I feel ill.
We both had cancer a few years ago and weāre diagnosed within 2 months of each other so always had each other when we were ill, had appointments,operations,check ups etc and this is the first time I have been ill without her here. I know what I have now is trivial compared to what she and I went through before but hell I wish she was here now.
How have the both of you been today ?
Sorry I havenāt posted much. I just havenāt had the energy to do anything.
Will catch up tom with you x
Love Deborah x
glad you are feeling better, hope you can enjoy the sun today,
Aw bless you, yes i got struck down with some horrendous germs a couple of months ago, was completely laid up for 10 days and i missed mum so much! She would have been calling me every day to check on me, whereas i just lay there and most of my friends werenāt even aware i was ill! Im glad the antibiotics are starting to work. Do you have friends/ family nearby that can drop supplies off to you?
I didnt sleep great, was awake in the early hours worrying about whether my counselling will continue after next week - its provided by a local hospice on a 6 weekly basis, so my imagination was running riot imagining theyāll just send me away to deal with this pain on my own. I try not to indulge my imagination but last night it was very strong!
Take care of yourself today.
How are you doing today Olive?
Oh Ally you are both such wonderful people and I canāt think you enough for your posts.
I am consumed with guilt today. I deserve to feel it I cannot not go on so I deserve this feeling as I let her down so much.
I thought I was a good person but I am not at all .
I wish I could take the place if someone who is struggling with a terminal illness and deserves to live more than me.
Sorry so sorry if that sounds dramatic but this feeling is getting worse
Aw Olive, it must be so hard battling such overwhelming guilt every day. As Deborah has said, its the raw pain of your grief thats driving this and it will take time to process that - im 7 months in and my counsellor keeps telling me its such early days! Unfortunately as the initial shock wears off it can feel like things get worse, for me that was around 3 months stage. Thats why having support from friends, or looking for a local support group is so helpful. Have you looked into whats available in your area?
You know that I dont think you have anything to feel guilty about, but even if you cant see that right now, the fact you are racked with such guilt shows you are NOT a bad person - think of all the people in the world who do terrible things but never show one ounce of guilt or remorse for their actions! You CARE, with every ounce of your being, or else this wouldnāt hurt so much right now. So thats not the actions of a heartless, uncaring person. You deserve to live as much as the next person and im sure your mum would hate to see the pain you are in.
I understand a little of what you are feeling because in the early weeks i would feel terribly guilty for not wanting to live when there are ill people out there who would give ANYTHING for extra time. And i would have gladly transferred my years to them if i could. So my conclusion has been if i cant physically give them my life, maybe i should give them my time instead, and work in a job that helps/supports people to have either more time on this earth or a better quality of life. Then at least if i donāt value my life right now, i can help someone who does. I dont know what that looks like yet.
Just hang on in there, one day at a time is all you need to get through right now. Sending big hugs to you
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