I am sorry for being like this such a hard day today.
I know I have to breathe through it. This is all my own doing and I am not garnering sympathy.
I support people in my job and I am looking to go down to three days a week and do some Voluntary work I have to own this guilt and live with it I know. I can’t go on about it to anyone so at least I can say how I feel here. This is how I deserve to feel I guess
Sorry
Hi Olive and Ally,
Ended up in A and E this morn as felt so ill I have an infection in my lymph glands so no wonder i have felt so ill.
Olive teh guilt will be with you forever i guess so just try to control it and not let it control you. thats how i am dealing with it.
I had flashbacks this morning and tried to tune my brain to think of a happy place on holiday years ago that I had. Do anything to try to snap out of it whilst in teh moment. I know its not easy
You are a good person and dont think otherwise. You are honouring your mum so much in the way you write about her.
Small steps ok
Ally my imagination runs riot also especially at night. Keep going as you are honestly doing so well
Love Deborah x
Oh no you are really being put through the wringer! Have they let you home - do you need stronger antibiotics? Im so sorry that you’re having to deal with this 
hopefully they can fight the infection now they have identified it.
take care
Hi,
Yes got stronger tablets. Am going to rest for a few days and see what happens x
Deborah x
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HI good its all going in the right direction.
Yes I know I have to find ways of dealing with this guilt, yesterday was quite scary, all day the narrative sat in my head getting stronger and i was quite tearful despite being in the shop. I was supposed to meet some one after five, but i couldn’t i cancelled and took to my bed as it felt safer. a night of listening to radio four in and out of nightmares and finally the morning comes, really not sure how i feel now but i must make myself get up and walk, i have work tomorrow .
i am supposed to be returning a car and meeting someone at nine. i will stick to it and not cancel.im frightened that i will not be capable of doing things if this carries on.
Hi Olive,
You will get a bit stronger so you can do everyday tasks but it will take time. Keep telling yourself you are going so well. Keep a diary of what you do every day and look back at it and you will see how far you have come.
Did you meet the person today?
I am still ill so am staying in bed today
Deborah x
Hi I hope you are feeling a bit better, lots of rest is needed i think.
I managed to return the car and complete a four mile walk and we came back to mine for a sandwich, even though my house is barely presentable.
i have to steel myself for work tomorrow, have to get through 8 hrs presenting as normal.
Aww Olive well done. You have done so much today. Four miles is amazing to walk.
Don’t worry about your house. Whatever state it’s in people well genuine kind people will understand.
My house is as tip bec before mum passed away we were in the middle of renovating the downstairs and I stopped all the work and haven’t had the energy to restart it. On top of that I brought mum’s furniture back here so it’s in my two back rooms so we are living in a mess.
Upstairs I have managed to sort though. Had a new bathroom and be from so at least I have done something. I can’t be bothered to go shopping for new flooring a kitchen doors etc and the thought of workmen here would finish me off.
I am concentrating on the outside instead and my husband is more or less organising that thank goodness. I just can’t make decisions at the moment. Sounds daft but j can’t and then I get upset I can’t do I would rather not start anything.
I have been resting most of the day but still feel the same.
Keep going
Love Deborah xxxx
I hope you start feeling better soon, Deborah
Thank you for thinking of me x
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I lost mum a week ago, she’d been on EOL care since September 2023. I keep getting told that at least it was expected, at least you got to say goodbye. All of these are true but don’t seem to provide any comfort. I was with mum when she passed away which is what she wanted and I’m grateful I got to fulfill my promise to her.
I’m struggling to understand how I feel, I feel numb, and like I’m living an alternative universe, I’ll wake up and it will all have been an horrendous dream. I’ve been so busy making sure dad has been ok and planning the funeral as mum was the planner of the family that I don’t think I’ve actually processed anything.
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Hi oh my goodness such a long time in limbo on EOL . I know it is the most horrendous time imaginable it is no comfort at all to say it was expected I was with my mum every day of her time on EOL for six weeks and every day it does not seem real.
My heart goes out to you, you have not had time to process the fact that your mum has passed yet. Try and rest and take time just to be.
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my first thoughts on waking, and my last thoughts at night, are of my mum. i just have to breathe through another day on auto pilot.
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keep posting , there are some wonderful people on here to support you,
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Im so sorry for your loss @Samlk12 - you’re absolutely right, people telling you at least it was expected is no comfort at all, even if it is well intentioned. Please be assured you are unlikely to find any of those empty platitudes on here - just people who are going through what youre going through and understand the pain of loss, and want to support each other.
A week is really early days, your mind will still be reeling from the shock plus then having to deal with the flurry of practical tasks like planning the funeral. Just be kind to yourself - you will find every single person grieves differently, and there is no right way to grieve. Take it one day, one hour at a time right now. Thinking of you
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How are you feeling this morning Deborah? 
Hi are you feeling better today?
Hi Ally and Olive,
I think i am turning a corner with all this. Dosed myself last night and the lump is slightly smaller and flatter so maybe the antibiotics are working I only have a few left though
Feel a bit better thank goodness
Only got up at 3pm today . Just felt so tired.
Going to rest all week and get my body back to normal if possible
How are you both today?
Deborahx
A lot your message resonates with me. About everything being pointless without mum. I just do the basics day to day. My life was mum and dad and my brother. But that’s all gone