Backward step

I have been coming on here for a little while now and it has been helping me to cope with the loss of my beloved husband. I followed the advice, I let myself cry, I was kind to myself. Ok, I thought. I can do this.
Then . . BAM, just now, for no apparent reason, and very suddenly, I was howling with despair. I have cried before, but not as loudly and scarily and uncontrollably as this and it frightened me.
Now, as well as missing him, I am devastated that he will never laugh again, or eat his favourite food, or drive the car he saved for and hardly had time to drive. I feel so guilty if anything makes me smile because he can’t. I made a slightly jokey reply on here earlier and felt so guilty and sad. He will never know pleasure, or see his family again and I will. He so didn’t deserve to be taken away from all things he adored. I feel so awful tonight.

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Ann I think I get what you are saying …there are moments when our brain seems to trick us into thinking all is well …and then wham …just as you describe the awful realisation that the ones we love are not coming back and will never experience life again as we know it …I can relate because I to went through a similar process …thinking I had this …I could do it …I was doing it …then as if from no where it hit me like a hurricane …I howled so loud and histerical i thought i had gone mad …but i somehow got through that night it reminded me i was stronger than i thought …grief can be the strangest of feelings creeping up at times unannounced …when we least expect it …you are not on your own Ann…I hope as the morning light rises that awful feeling you are in right now rises for you to …take care …

Thank you for understanding, Bab. It helps to know I am not going mad! X

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Ann, so sorry for your loss, I can relate exactly, I had a fairly okish week last week, not too many tears but for the last 2 nights I have also been despairing, my eyes are sore and everything seems so bleak. I also have my husbands birthday coming up and the day after our anniversary, I’m sure it’s going to be very difficult. My heart goes out to every one who has lost a loved one. X

Ann --I have found this site has helped me but this grief is such an emotional roller coaster --one minute seem to be coping and the next an emotional wreck.You think you are doing so well and then crash.This is so hard for us all isn’t it-I just wanted to say hi and take care

I’m new on here but I so understand how you can get overcome with grief out of the blue. My kind, gentle husband passed away in April. Out on a walk the other day a picture of G popped into my head out of nowhere and tears followed. By the time I got home I was racked with sobbing ,my whole body shaking.I kept saying “I want you back” over and over so I totally understand your feeling of utter despair .

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Thank you so much for those kind words.

That brought tears to my eyes because that is exactly what I keep saying too. it doesn’t help though, does t? Thank you for caring.

Hi Ann. This will and does happen. It’s what I call the 'yo yo effect.
Up one day and in the pits another. The ebb and flow of our emotions which are chaotic in the early stages of grief. Please try not to despair. It’s a painful and debilitating emotion. I know only too well what you feel like. Don’t be frightened by your emotions, it’s a way of relieving stress. You may not believe that at this moment, but it is. And please don’t feel guilty about smiling from time to time. You must have had some good times together so smile at the memories. I am not in any way minimising how you feel. It’s awful, and at times despair may well creep in. If you make a jokey reply on here remember, this site is all about sharing and caring. You may well make someone else smile who is in the same way as you, and that would indeed be a Blessing. Take care. John.

It is extremely sad when we think of the things they cannot do.

So sorry that your husband will never get to drive that car or have his favourite food, or finish his painting, I just hope there comes a day where you might be able to eat his favourite food and think something like “hey, this is for you”, and get some sort of comfort out of it.

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Hi there Ann
What Jonathan has said is so very true. I am on the same length of journey as he is. I’m sorry to say don’t expect these up’s and down’s to suddenly go away. It is so correct that having these emotional moments is a way of relieving the stress. I never try to stop the tears, why should I. It’s my tribute to my beloved husband. I can now laugh and joke with people but I still have those moments when I so wish Brian could be there with me sharing them. As John so wisely tell’s you, please don’t despair or be frightened. I accept it as part of my life now.
When I first came on this site I actually enjoyed the lighthearted comments that sometimes crept into the conversations and heard myself laugh out loud. Something I thought I would never do again.
Don’t try to rush things, take care of yourself.


Bab1 is so right in what she says. Grief comes in waves and we never know when it will hit us. Guilt is natural at a time like this but it makes it all even harder to bear. (I felt guilty when my mum died for grieving for my dad and i went back and forth). i don’t know if it will help and I am not telling you to believe this just what I believe and maybe you might think its silly or maybe it might help a little, I am hoping the latter or I wouldn’t say it. But I believe that when we die that only our bodies die our emotions and memories and our love goes with us to whereever we go. (I am not talking heaven and hell stuff everyone is entitled to their own beliefs in that direction) just whatever the other side is. I told my mum this when she was dying because she was a little afraid. But I also believe that the other side becomes whatever our imaginations make it. I described it to her as something like the startrek holodeck because most people had seen that program and it is something most people understand the concept of. I sort of came up with this idea in that knowing souls go on but matter doesn’t. That is the reason we have bodies here we need to live inside matter but matter cannot live without conscious energy. The other reason I came up with it was reading about a boy who died for quite a while before he was brought back. He described a very christian heaven but he was brought up in a very christian household and I felt that when he died he was being given a virtual environment that made him feel safe and comfortable. Sometimes though the body fails us and we have to go. He certainly didn’t deserve to be taken but it was just a terrible sad circumstance. Fate can be very cruel. Also be glad that you can still laugh at the things he would have laughed at because in a way then you are still sharing that same sense of humor together, because you are alive you are laughing on his behalf for both of you. Sorry bits of this weren’t written very well I have a bad habit of adding stuff in the middle and then the next sentence doesn’t make as much sense.
Anyway I am Sending you a virtual hug because you feel awful and to let you know that you aren’t alone we all on here know what it is like to feel so gut wrenchingly awful at times. take care thinking of you,

Dear Margarita
All Anniversary’s are always so very hard. I know this might sound weird but the easiest way to get through it is to make a plan before hand. And find a way that is special to you to remember. Or even plan to have a duvet day. Or spend it with some supportive people , friends or relatives. Try not to be on your own that day unless that is the thing that would make it easier for you. If you work make sure you have that day as a holiday. Another thing you can do is if there was something your husband wanted to do or somewhere he wanted to go but never got the chance then if you want to you could do it in his memory again ask along others if you want. It does make it a bit easier. Try to make it a special day in your own way. Some people let off balloons or take that day to scatter ashes. Make an anniversary a continued memory. For what would have been my mums 40th wedding anniversary she held a small party and made it into a charity evening for bowel cancer research.
She got prizes from numerous local companies. Many of her friends came and relatives and she had pictures of her and dad posted on the wall and she gave a wee talk. She turned it into a memorial and a celebration of their life together and she raised nearly £3000 for research. You will find your own thing. Take care. Thinking of you in your loss too.

Bless you judi,
I understand how you feel but in reading your post I just wanted to give you a wee hug. I really hope you have some supportive people in your life to give you some support just now.

Hi. Meebee. I don’t believe in ‘wee hugs’. It’s got to be the real thing so I will demonstrate. Here is a big hug for you, now how about that then!! I hope you don’t mind. Blessings. John.

I think I am in love with you Meebee! ! You always seem to have such a rational and believable explanation for things, and I always feel better after reading your posts, especially when they are for me! Thank you so much for being you.
Hugs Ann

Thank you. That has made me feel better, and a lot less frightened. I had this vision of me doing that in the middle of Tesco or somewhere! Frightening thought!

To AnnR and Johnathan123.
Omg i have a major lump in my throat from what both you and John said. I am so touched. Big thanks to you both.

Judi I can so relate to this–I went for a walk and got to a seat where my husband and I use to stop for a rest and just broke down sobbing --I just wanted him back, Take care of yourself

Actually the post that said to bab1 was actually aimed as a reply to you. I keep doing that sometimes with this site I don’t know why. Luckily for me most people work out what i meant… Take care…