I dont know about you guys, but i am having the weirdest of dreams lately. I have not dreamt about Colin yet, i dont know why, i close my eyes and beg him to come see me just for a few minutes, just say hi but nothing so for. It has been 4 months since my gorgeous man was taken, it feels.like yesterday. Today we would have both been off work as we dont work Fridays. We either would be up at the caravan, you know, cleaning it and getting it ready for another weekend away somehwere but instead, i am debating whether to clean this bloody house that does not feel like a home anymoreā¦what a sorry state of affairs we find ourselves in.
We have had so much rain through the night, it has played havoc with the gardenā¦do i care? ā¦not one iota. Sod it is how i feel.
I do going shopping but i am throwing food away as i am not hungryā¦never hungry now. I pick if anything. Mental noteā¦no more shopping. Xx
Yeh makes you like that doesnt it ? Its sort of sod it ,! Sod everything 
your dreams will probably come later on about your husband. I had them a lot recently. Find them really distressing actually as makes me miss him more. And yeh your house not feeling like a home - i think as winter draws in im feeling it more. That being alone in the house without him here ā¦ its so solitary and so heartbreaking. This morning i could hear myself shouting to him from kitchen - do you want a cup of tea? Those memories break my heart i try not to cry you know but they come anyway x
Do you ever feel him around you? I was just dropping off the other night, i felt like a pressure and then a tap on my shoulder. It didnt frighten me, it wasā¦well comforting actually. My sisterā¦the strange one people sayā¦she see things and she tells me there is an after life and i really want to believe her, i really want to believe that Colin does come and will come to visit.
I was talking with my daughter last nightā¦just nipped round for a coffee, spur of the moment kind of thing. She has dreamt of her dad, he was apparently playing with the children. She walked into the room, he looked up, smiled and said " im ok jess" she found it very ā¦whats the wordā¦calming.
I hope when you dream of your loved one again, i hope the dream is a dream that will put a smile back on your face even if it for a few seconds. Sending 
hun.x
Yeh in my first dreams i couldnt hear him talking at all but now i do. I hear his voice - hes just talking to me about nothing in particular - just chatting - maybe thats cos thats what i miss the most. I sometimes felt him close yeh. I have felt his spirit close by ā¦ I felt him saying - it will be ok deb - its soothing to hear that xxx
Not really that obvious (I mean hasnāt seemed really any true sense him there). Just in my mind. Would be comforting.
I sometimes come across things like he wrote down reminders when he was alive so seeing his handwriting feels like something special. I love his little notes but they were really for himself but now seem like I can pretend for me. So sensible.
Pudding
Well glad I am not only one making mistakes with brain fog. That is hard you having to have pain killers. I recall that but thankfully not at the moment. But do get bouts of it. Stress caused physical things to be worse. Supposed to be trying to motivate myself to calm down and put on video links to do yoga again that I used to do. In pandemic used to like doing them but of course he was alive then. I have Alexia to remind me if I want to but she has been driving me mad lately misunderstanding everything. My fault though. Just like a voice in the house sometimes. I spent hours this morning trying to Tel NHS again to double check my appointment on Sunday I couldnāt find confirmation of. I got it all wrong on previous appointment. Wrote down Thursday instead of Tuesday! Wild goose chase for nothing. Feel awful these muddles. When David was alive we used to counter check each other.
He used to help and so did I. We cared for each other. Just actually copied what he used to do and actually reput in all stuff in dishwasher like he used to do. It used to drive me crazy when he did it now wish he was here to do it. Cleaned cooker and emptied bin like he used to do as horrid poo smell. Do not know if cat or something bad to track down. Had trouble putting gas hob back together with gammy hands and poor eye sight. He had better hands and eyes than me. Do not know what I had better yet he died.
He seemed better at everything than me even though he was so ill. I used to have to help him in pandemic inspect his feet yet couldnāt see properly.
He was getting no help at all like he should have done.
He was diabetic.
He used to help me with my toe nails that I couldnāt do. I struggle now. I used to take his Tel calls from the surgery when he was out and leave him messages.
He used to check the messages on landline and I just forget. Just checked who has been ringing me a week ago. Got through to a person on the Council. She was nice and helpful. Lifted my mood. It is not me going mad. Others bring stupid so she thought but think it underpins some folk think I am a nuisance being finicky when they are busy and seems I am making a fuss and should just lump it.
The problem is my arthritis which only seems to hit me at night. I canāt take anti inflamatories. You have been busy despite the brain fog. Soon after Norman died I had 2 cheques to pay in. Due to my mobility issues and banks now all closed except nationwide I paid in via banking app. I worked in IT for 35 years yet it took me multiple attempts to photo a cheque. Not got a hectic social life yet managed to double book. If you have read my other posts you will know my husband believed in bulk buying. It is taking all my willpower and energy getting rid of stuff I will never use to food banks and charity shops. Still donāt know what I will do with 3 boxes of protective gloves. He suffered from contact dermatitis. I just double and triple check everything I do. It is gradually getting better is the good news. Look after yourself.xx. Sandra
Changed my car and sold the caravan all in one weekā¦the changes are mind blowing. ā¦he would approve, he knows i am no good at pulling a van, he encouraged me a few weeks before he passed actually thinking about it now to pull the vanā¦on the bloody motorway no less and i did. The first island i took, i forgot i had the van onā¦well you should have heard him, infact only dogs could hear what he said, his pitch was so high bless him but i got the hang of it by the 2nd and 3rd islandā¦he had nothing but praise.
I miss him so much, i miss him saying āits going to be fine Nickā and its not is it?
I dreamt about him the other nightā¦he walked into the house and held me, he didnāt say anything but then, he didnāt need toā¦i loved that dream.
I am still not eating as i should, i realised how bad i have declinedā¦health wiseā¦dentist appointment didnt go well, nearly passed out when he lowered the chair to-do a fillingā¦mental note, EAT NICK!!!
@nicky1961 i eat out of habit but canāt say I enjoy it. I have always hated eating alone. When I used to travel on business I hated that hotels would try to hide you away. You would get a table behind a potted plant or by the loo as a single professional woman and you had to fight to get served at the bar. It changed a bit at the end of my career but I think my loathing eating alone stems from that. The only way I get a roast dinner is if a neighbour or friend makes me up a plate as it isnāt worth cooking for one. Itās mostly a ready meal in the air fryer. Only just stopped burning everything. Please remember to eat but it will taste like sawdust.xx. Sandra
Yeh try and eat ! Even if its just soup and bread have something light like scrambled egg on toast even ? I was like that at beginning - couldnt eat very well ā¦ it will get better you know but even now donāt eat like i did but thatās not all bad i have at least lost some weight that i needed to lose xx
Me too with the weight loss 2 stone to date. Just eat what I feel like. Donāt quite understand it. Yes I make sure I have fruit everyday but I eat crisps, biscuits, sweets. I have cake when I have a supermarket delivery. Not the way to diet. Do you think crying burns a lot of calories?
Yeh maybe ? Lol ā¦ but more likely the stress of it all ? Xxx
And you know im same eat chocolate and sweets too ā¦ i think thats for energy ā¦ cos it does drain your energy xx
Iāve become addicted to revels!
Gosh not one person offered any food on a plate even at first. My neighbours not at all that friendly. I havent tried a ready meal in my air fryer. I must admit havent bought many. Do put frozen food in it though. Cooks fine. Best buy. I wish I didnt keep eating for comfort. I would like to lose weight. Seems some days not as bad as others. Odd good day. So been trying to do this gratitude exercise. I used to do it when my husband was ill. Say well if all not good what hasnt happened to be glad about and try to scrape to find things. Until there are some blessings. I look back and think we had each other then. Not always easy then but looking back it was lots of things not got now. But flowers have not been killed off quite yet outside. Still hanging on but for how long? Have I energy this year to dig up the geraniums and over winter them like I always used to?
They do not all survive anyway. This year have just left things to die down naturally but do not know how it will be. Last year spent lots of energy I only half had trying to work through my grief on the garden. Feel weary now.
Enorac.
Same thought here. Last year you would have found me running out into the garden at the first glimpse of frostā¦nowā¦i think, who is going to care whether they live or die.
I should bring in the geraniums, they really do look sorry for themselves and i can here Colin saying ācome on hun, save themā
Another bad day for me. Iāve had a few quite good days and was thinking I was doing quite well at last. Its been 5 months since my husband passed away but today all I keep thinking about is the day he died. I cant remember what the doctor told me about him dying. (he passed away before I could get to the hospital) I keep asking myself did I stay long enough with him. I stayed most of the day. Its so stupid of me to keep having these thoughts as I know I cant change anything. Iām crying as I write this. Why oh why do I keep thinking back to this time. I know he would hate me to feel like this but I cant seem to help it. Sorry for rambling on.
Always seems to happen ā¦ good day and a bad day ;( dont beat yourself up 
and you are going through the what if stage ā¦ part of the grieving process. Have you read languages of loss by sasha bates. I read it at the beginning of this nightmare and honestly its really good and describes those early stages she went through when suddenly lost her husband xxx
@Deb5 Thank you. No I havnt read that book but will look into it as at the moment I am clutching at straws to find anything will help. xx
Well I keep going back to the day he died as well. Yes all sorts what ifs but am like that. I think of subects to write about.
Have had lots what ifs in my life. So it walks with me in my mind.