I know you will understand.
I just have to tell someone, this is a bad day.
I have been out in the garden.
He loved being in the garden and did so much work out there.
It brought all my feelings to the surface.
It made me so sad that he will not be out there to enjoy it.
I miss him so much.
I have been in tears and telling him I want him back.
Thank you for being here, reading this and understanding xxxxx
Oh @RoseGarden .
Thats just how I was yesterday. Nothing could console me , the tears just flowed and flowed. I was trying to get some order out of the chaos, knowing how much he loved the garden and how hard he worked.
I’m lucky that my daughter managed to talk sense to me and make me see that with a few changes, (less vegetable patch, more grass) I would be able to cope and still do him proud.
I hope youve got some support to help you too
Take care
Big hugs
Thank.
Although there’s a fair bit to do I think I’ll manage, even though there are a few jobs that he could manage much better than me!
It’s the realisation that he won’t be in the garden again to enjoy all the work he’s done.
We won’t be out there together enjoying our happy place.
I’m also feeling tired of struggling to get through this.
I know this will lift. Just had to get it off my chest.
Sending you huge hugs too xx
I’m sorry your having a bad day it’s so hard this horrible journey we are on.The jobs we have to keep up with seem overwhelming too it’s like climbing a mountain every day all these emotions.I have been in the garden too but I get great peace from mine ,he died very suddenly in the garden too I feel very close to him out there.Hope you feel better later.
The garden has been the source of mixed emotions for me too. I neglected it last year because I was so stretched looking after Neil as cancer took its toll. So it’s quite scary now…will I be able to manage it, what would he have thought of the state of the veg patch? At the start of the year none of the snowdrops flowered and I felt they were giving up the ghost in sympathy. I felt hopeless about it ever looking decent again. But now the garden is doing its star turn of the year. Azealeas and rhododendrons taking over from the camellias and magnolia. It’s so colourful, so upliftingly lovely - but he isn’t here to see it. He planted so many of them, it just makes me cry.
As you say, I just want him back.
@RoseGarden and @LyndaK
It seems that all our husbands loved their gardens, and we loved being out there with them. As you said @RoseGarden it’s upsetting that they’re not there, but equally it was thinking I couldn’t cope with it and would let his memory down.
Now I see that with time and help we can still have a garden he would have been proud of, and I know he’d be happy that I can manage it without too much hard work.
@AnnieMacG
Will you be able to ask for help with the garden. I’m learning I can’t be as independent I’d like, as I’ve always been.
When I get the garden straight I’ll have to turn my attention to decorating, that’ll be another challenge, another one he never let me do. And that suited me. I shall manage it, except I will have to ask for help with ceilings, and the high staircase.
I had a bad day yesterday but I know it won’t be the last, we’ve just got to learn to go with it and hope we get more good days than bad.
Take care everyone
Big hugs
I don’t like asking anyone for anything I have always been very independent but he was always there to step in if he saw me struggling.We have to learn to ask for help without been too dependent on people.My garden gives me so much pleasure it’s hard work but I would be very sad without it.As for decorating well done you I wouldn’t be able to do that these days and will have to pay someone when I get round to.Now I’m going to have a new bathroom installed and have to plan it myself without his support it’s all so stressful.
Oh gosh the necessity of getting a new bathroom is haunting me when I’m awake in the middle of the night. I’ve spoken to two separate suppliers but I just can’t seem to focus on what I need. When there were two of us I think I would have probably have led on design and style, he would have had views on practicalities and cost, but the whole decision making process would have been shared. It’s so surprisingly hard to push yourself to do it all on your own.
I’m the same I have been dragging my feet for months it’s scary.But we have used the same plumber for 20; years who is very nice and caring so he will help me plan it and supply everything.It’s kept me awake at nights too it’s the first major decision I have made on my own.
Your garden sounds like ours with camellias, magnolia. A couple of rhododendrons about to come into flower. He planted all of them…
I wish looking at them brought nothing but joy. I hope that comes soon.
It’s only 8 weeks so that really is too soon.
I would see him through the living room window working in the garden.
How I wish I still could!
Thank you for sharing and understanding x
Yes, there seems to be quite a few similarities between us.
I feel like we understand and share with other which really helps me.
Hugs to everyone xxx
Same here, we both took our time making decisions, we did dither a bit.
However, we would get there in the end, together.
Now being the only one responsible is scary.
Love to you xx
Here’s to all of us having more up days and fewer downs.
Also, sharing our our days and feelings.
Take care everyone, as always big hugs x
I could have written this today @RoseGarden. I am sat here crying because it was a beautiful day here and I have been sowing seeds and gardening this evening. He would have loved to have been here with me doing that - I was always too busy with work. I really can’t bear the pain today. I guess it’s another wave of grief that has descended. I just wish there was some space between them xx
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day. 
I hope you don’t mind me commenting, even though I lost my dad (we lived together). At precisely this time of the year we would be working in the garden together and I haven’t even been able to go out there at all yet. It feels worse now with all the flowers starting up and it makes me miss him more.
Yes we ldo seem similar in a lot of ways.
I think I have had a better day today . Except when I had to go to the doctor for some test results. I was ok until he asked
me how I was. Then the floodgates opened, he was brilliant, told me to take my time before asking what had made me so upset (my husband was under a diffrrent meducal practice so mine didn’t know)
He said what everyone keeps saying, look after yourself, be kind to yourself, its going to take a while, take one day at a time, its still early days and I’m only reacting how he would have expected.
And my test results were fine, so thats something.
Hows your cat?
Big hugs
Hi @starbright
Just remember we are all here for you and we all understand.
This grief journey is horrendous, and it isn’t going to make it easy for us
Take care
Big hugs
Hi @Ulma
Of course no one minds you posting here.
It doesnt matter who you’ve lost, you’re grieving the same as all of us.
We’re all here to try to help each other
Take care
Big hugs
Thank you @Liro I am really feeling it now my children have gone home and the house is so very empty. I am also feeling pressure at work to just get on with things now and wish I could just leave and go back to my support bubble or, even better, to life before this all happened.
I am glad you have had a better day today and that your doctor was understanding. Dealing with health issues alone is an added horribleness in all this. Big hugs to you too xx
Sending a big hug x