Bed time

I dread going to bed knowing that one side is and now always will be empty,I dread waking up cos he’s no longer here, I only sleep because of my little blue pill without it I don’t sleep at all,I think of him as I go to sleep and again as I wake,I cannot get him out of my head.

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Im the same my mark died in march and iv cried every day since
Knowing he is gone and that ill never see him again is heart breaking I think about him all the time especially those last few days in hospital I even put photos of him all around my bedroom just so that I can see his smiling face
I feel your pain here if you need to talk or let things out

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HI im 15 months into my nightmare .Istill sleep downstairs ,ive never slept in our bed or bedroom since my Denise passed

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Just been reading your comments. I sympathise with you all. Its 4 months since my husband died but I still dread bed time. I have a photo of my husband on his side of the bed and I take one of his scarves to bed with me to hold on to. When he was having chemo over the winter he used to wrap the scarf around his face because the intravenous drugs he received made him feel the cold. I seem to manage these days on 6 hours sleep because as soon as I wake up n the morning I have to get up to keep my mind of the thouhht that my hubby is never going to be here again to saygood morning and give me a kiss.
We are all going through this terrible time but I think this site helps onr feel you are not alone with these terrible feelings.
My thoughts are with you all, Katy

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Oh goodness I recognise all of this. Its nearly 4 years since my husband died. I moved into the spare room as I just couldn’t deal with the emptiness, then I decorated the spare room in a very different way, I had always had a house full of males (I have 2 sons who have left home) so now I have a very ‘girly’ pretty room so its a totally different feel and is now my sanctuary where I can escape, feel sad or peaceful or whatever. Our bedroom is now the new spare room which I don’t need to go into. There is no timescale to grief. My thoughts are with you

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19 months since my sister passed, my best friend , soulmate. The pain is immeasurable, from the moment I wake until the moment I eventually fall to sleep I think about her . Life is so empty without her, just had to share. Thank you

Hello Jeannie. It doesn’t get any better does it. It is three years since my husband died and it feels like yesterday. We also have two sons, two grandsons and a granddaughter who were always coming to visit us as my husband was seriously ill for three years before he died. They still visit me every so often and call me or text me but now but it is not the same and when I go out with them it highlights more and more the absence of my husband. Nothing is the same, I live more and more in the past, watching videos of our wedding in 1967, watch videos of my husband when we were altogether, playing our music and looking at photos of the past when we were young. They say time heals, but in my case time has healed nothing, it has emphasised that my future as it should have been has gone, only the past comforts me anymore. When we made our vows 50 years ago we said ‘until death do us part’, well in my case, even after death he is still my husband and I am his wife and will be until we are together again. Just before he started being ill eight years ago, we got a German Shepherd dog and named him Barney, he was a massive, hairy bear and he saw us through some terrible times as my husband got more and more sick. When my husband died three years ago, if it hadn’t been for our Barney I would not have got up in the morning, but I had to see to him. We were never apart throughout the next three years, we clung together, where I went, Barney went, when I cried Barney came and snuggled up to me and put his large head on my lap. I lived in the dining kitchen with him, I could not bear sitting in the lounge where we all used to sit as it was so empty. I only used three rooms, our bedroom where I found comfort, the bathroom and the dining kitchen then last week our Barney died, he was taken ill in the morning, I got him to the hospital in a pet ambulance, they did tests and he was put to sleep in the afternoon, he had cancer and heart failure. My world ended all over again I had lost the last link with my husband and now I feel as though this is the end of an era and I have no future to look forward to, no-one to get up for in a morning as all our family have gone, apart from our sons and grandchildren who have their own lives now and I don’t see them as often as I did, as they work away a lot, our grandchildren are getting older and want to go out with their friends and not visit their grandma as often so I have nothing, just an empty house day in and day out. I have had 6 months of teeth problems and two weeks ago, a few days before our Barney died I had all my teeth removed so that isn’t helping as my gums were cut open and stitched up. I hope you are coping better than I am, when it was me and Barney I always felt Peter was with us somewhere as I felt him all around me but the morning after Barney died, I got up and there was nothing, for the first time since my husband died three years ago, the house was cold and empty, it was as if the day Barney died he and Peter left together. I am 74 but very young at heart, I still love rock ‘n’ roll music of the 60’s, all my friends have their husbands, or don’t want to meet up for lunch as they are not as fit as they were, I joined an OAP club, a gardening club etc. etc. but it is soul destroying, seeing all these lonely people trying to find comfort in each others company is so terribly sad and that is not me. I still want to go out dancing with my husband like we used to do. Jive until we are out of breath, but I can’t. I really wish you well for the coming years but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and never will until I see my husband again. Sending you all my best wishes. Sheila xx

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Hi Sheila,

I was so sorry to read your post and understand so well what you are saying. All through my Mum’s last weeks our lovely cat was with us. Old and getting very frail but there and a comfort. Having him to cuddle through that time was so wonderful and when he died four months later my heart broke all over again. That link with Mum severed.

I think you sound wonderful, your stories about going dancing and love of music. Can you bear to listen to the rock ‘n’ roll records you both danced to? My Mum enjoyed the John Wilson Orchestra and the Hollywood Prom he does every year. I can’t listen to the CDs any more, far too painful.

I hope your sore mouth is feeling a bit less painful now.

Mel

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Hi Mel, thank you for your lovely reply and I am so sorry about your mum. Even now after 20 years, if I see something on television I think, I must tell my mum about that then I realise she is not here to tell. I don’t have any family of the past left now, my parents, sister and all relatives died years ago but I always had my husband to support me through it. Then when Peter died I had our sons and of course our Barney, but Barney was the one with me day in and day out for three years and you are quite right, when he died, that link with Peter was severed, it was a weird feeling because Barney was Peters dog, always with him throughout his illness, I fed and walked him but it was always Peter he adored, then when Peter died he poured all his love onto me and now he has also died and it hurts so much.

I listen to our music, because I can close my eyes and see the tall, good looking 18 year old boy I met and fell in love with, every song that plays brings back more memories. I can remember what I wore, what he wore, what he said, what I said as clear as anything that is why I prefer the past to the present because the present holds nothing for me now. Yes, I have our sons and grandchildren but they have their own lives and I feel now what my mum must have felt like when my dad died all those years ago and we took her out for day trips, I feel like ‘a spare part’. I want my life back, I want to live my own life and not someone else’s but I can’t and that is what breaks my heart and I don’t care how many years I have facing me, I will never feel any different.

Thank you for replying, we are all in this nightmare whether we have lost our husband, wife, mum, dad, sister, etc. etc. but we have our memories and all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and live day to day because looking forward does not bear thinking about. Love Sheila xx

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Hi Sheila,

you write so beautifully and descriptively. Your memories must be so precious. I thought of my Dad when I read about your lovely tall husband. Dad was over 6’ and I know I am biased but I thought he was very good looking. My Mum too was gorgeous and I think they must have made a very fine couple when they were young.

I think memories are so important, especially when they are so clear. I found the patchwork quilt Mum was making from scraps from our childhood clothes last week. Doubly precious as she made the clothes for us too and I can remember many of the materials used.

Like your Barney our cat adored Mum and transferred his affection to me when she became ill. He didn’t like her hospital bed and the noise it made so came to me. The comfort he gave me after she passed away was everything. Making that decision to have him put to sleep was awful but I held him whilst it was done so he knew he was loved until the end.

Yes we live each day as it comes. One year on from losing Mum and I can hardly believe I have got here. I know the pain has lessened for me but it is the feeling of resignation that is the worst at the moment.

Love Mel.

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Hi Mel, Thank you for your lovely comments. I really get carried away when I write about our lives, it is as if my memories are written down on the pages of a book and I am actually reading from those pages. I see everything as it was, even when I was a child growing up in the 1940’s, the tin bath, the outside toilet, the washing wringer with the handle and rubbing board. I remember the dresses our mum made on her treadle Singer sewing machine, yes, she made all our dresses, even when we were teenagers in the late 50’s and early 60’s going to Butlin’s and dancing with 6 lace underskirts under our dresses that made them stand out and jiving to Buddy Holly etc. I remember what they looked like. The funny thing is I can’t remember what I wore three days ago. I have come to the conclusion it isn’t old age that makes us forget what is happening now, it is because my life now means nothing but my past means everything. Your mum and dad sound as if they were wonderful parents and you were so lucky to have them in your life. My husband was 6 ft 5 ins tall and so are our two sons. We all once went to a wedding and the dress for the men was black coat tails, and the photographer said ‘oh my God’ she, (meaning me) has brought the Kray twins with her, they looked just like my bodyguards. (If you know who the Kray twins were of course).
Memories are a wonderful thing and I honestly cannot imagine what it is like for a person who has lost someone dear to them from Alzheimers, because in fact they lose that person long before they die and that is why my memories are so important to me and keep me going, as I can close my eyes and I am right there. One look at a photograph and I remember everything as clear as a bell. The only thing I don’t think about is the last 12 months of my husband’s life as he was nearing the end so I don’t even go there. My thoughts are when we were healthy, happy and together. Never forget your history, I don’t know if you have children but tell them about your life growing up, tell them about their grandparents. If you don’t have children yet, start a book and write down everything about your life growing up, which school you went to, what naughty things you did, then when you are no longer here your family can read all about your life. That is what I did and I have put it in my memory box along with everything else. I still have the dried yellow roses from my wedding bouquet, the Coronation beaker when the Queen was crowned and many, many more things, all labelled for our grandchildren to see. It is your family history and your family deserve to know who you really were. Keep your chin up and just live day to day because looking ahead is soul destroying without the ones we love in our lives. Lots of love Sheila xxxxx

Dear Sheila,

Love the idea of you with your bodyguards at the wedding. Oh yes, I know about the Krays! A not so charming family.

My Dad was 6’3’’ and I have always liked tall men I think because of that. 25 years on from losing him and I still think about him a lot especially now when Mum is always in my thoughts. I never thought I would get over him passing away but I did. When I lost Mum last year I couldn’t bear the thought of life without her but here I am a year on still here. I lived with her, actually never moved out of the family house. We were good pals and it worked for us, she did her own thing mostly and I did mine until she became housebound when I started caring for her. I haven’t married or had children, don’t regret either as never met anyone I wanted to marry. I have a ‘Memories of Mum’ book where I write down the little things that come to mind. Relatives have talked to me about when Mum was little and I jot these snippets down. If I never read the book again it doesn’t matter but I have it to look at if I want to.

Like you I couldn’t say what I wore last week but every big event yes I know exactly what I wore. That feeling of going out in a dress your Mum has made for you knowing no one else will have one like it! I can even remember the swimming costumes I had as a child.

I am moving house in the next few weeks and intend to have a corner of the garden devoted to my Mum. I have dug up the large camellia bush I gave her some years ago and have it potted ready to go with me. Another of the pots contains some of our cat’s ashes although the bulk were buried in the garden. I felt I had to take a bit of him as he was such a special boy. My first house I have brought myself, all a bit terrifying but also exciting. I am sad that Mum will never visit me there but it is through her frugalness I have been able to buy it outright. That is how I can bear to look forwards and what will get me through the next few months.

Lots of love
Mel

Oh Mel, I was very lucky, when all my family died, even my sister when she was in her 40’s, I had Peter to put his arms around me and tell me it would be alright. But now, like yourself, we have no-one to do that, yes we have our sons and grandchildren but it is not the same, they have their own lives and I only see them for a couple of hours every 2/3 weeks so I am on my own more than with company. You are so brave moving house and buying one you can call your very own. When Barney died I wondered if our house was now too large as we had extensions built on and we have a massive garden, I keep saying we, it is hard to say I, because I still think of this house as mine and Peters home. It will be a fresh start for you.

Peters dad died when he was 6 and his mum when he was 18. It was due to his mum owning her own house in the 1940’s that enabled us to buy our first home when we got married in 1967, as she left it to Peter in her will when she died. You are lucky you have relatives that can tell you all about your mum and dad when they were younger, that is what I miss, someone to talk to about the good old days.

I don’t know how old you are but being your mum’s carer was difficult for you, I know, I was Peters 24/7 carer for three years, and that is why I never think of those times because my handsome husband became a patient and I became his nurse, doing things for him that I never thought I would have to do, especially when I think of that 18 year old, good looking boy I fell in love with. You mention the swimming costumes, like I say, I don’t know how old you are but when I was younger we had elasticated ones and when we came out of the sea they were down by our ankles full of water. So embarrassing.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your new home and hope that you have a long and happy life there. You will forever have your memories because they are the one thing that keeps you going.

Lots of Love, Sheila xxxxxx

Dear Sheila

I got through yesterday, the first anniversary of losing Mum, Lots of memories and thinking of her and quite a few tears shed but not nearly as bad as I expected.

Caring for Mum was a gradual process at first. She became more frail, loss of her sight and mobility and it was only when she was found out to be terminally ill that the real care came in. She was in hospital for a week after during which time I cleared up all the work I could then concentrated on her return home and her nursing. Yes helping her with things I never thought I could do. A complete role reversal, her the child and me the parent cleaning her and helping her eat. I try not to remember the sadness in her eyes. I saw her cry only once and all I could do was wipe the tears away and stroke her lovely wavy hair hoping it would comfort her.

For me moving house is a necessity, no choice in the matter. The family house was left to me and one other. A relative who was foul to me and Mum through her illness. The daily comments I called ‘The Daily Bitch’ when I was subjected to torrents of abuse. I thought it was my imagination until someone took me on one side and said they had seen what was going on and it was mental abuse. I have had to bite my tongue for a year and it is coming to an end. I will walk away hopefully without saying anything and can regain my life again. I will have a theatre very close to my new home and intend going to lots of shows. Mum and I loved going to the theatre together so I shall indulge myself and her memory.

I am 56 by the way so yes I hope I will have lots of years to enjoy my new house. I am already being contacted for work projects next year so life is chugging on.

Lots of love
Mel
Xx

Oh Mel, you have made it through the first anniversary of your loss, that first year flies by so fast as you are so busy sorting things out, ringing round for all the medical equipment to be collected and before you know it, it is the first anniversary of losing them.

What a horrid person your relative is, you are doing the right thing by just getting on with the rest of your life, don’t be brought down to their level. You did everything for your mum and she knew it. People who are nasty like your relative is are nasty because they are feeling guilty for not doing anything to help, but have sat back and reaped the rewards. What goes around, comes around.

Enjoy your new life, your mum made sure your were taken care of and that is all that matters. She will always be with you wherever you go. Your memories are in your head and your heart and by looking at your photos and listening to music you both loved.

Since Barney died two weeks ago, I have sat in the garden and thought how absolutely lonely I now am, he is not running up and down bringing me his ball to throw. There is no Peter asking me to make him a cup of tea or asking me if I want a cup of coffee making and how many sugars do I want, we were together 50 years and I have never taken sugar in my drinks ever. Just shows how many cups of coffee he has made me, bless him. I keep wondering if I should move somewhere smaller but I love where I live, it is so quiet and peaceful, even though I only live a 15 minute bus ride from home, all I hear are the birds singing and the occasional car going past.

Our sons said to me the other day, that if I wanted another dog to get one and they would support me if I needed help with him, but I hadn’t to get one the size of a young horse like Barney and all the other GSD’s were. I said I had already thought about it but I didn’t have the heart to look after another living thing as my heart was completely broken and at the moment I just could not face getting a dog to replace Peter and Barney because that is what it would feel like, getting a dog to take my mind off them and I don’t want my mind taken off them. Perhaps next year I might pop down to an animal shelter and take a look, but knowing me, I will come home with the lot of them which wouldn’t go down well with our sons.

Anyway Mel, you take care, just do what you have to do and walk away with your head held high, because you are the better person. I really hope you will be happy in your new home and make lots of friends when you start working again, which will be a huge thing after caring for your mum for so long.

Sending my love. Sheila xxxx

Hi Sheila

Like you I feel you cannot replace animals when they die. They are individuals and not something new to go shopping for when the last one breaks. I am keen to have at least one cat and hopefully a dog too when i am settled in my new place. But only when and if the time is right. We always found animals came to us when they wanted, stray cats moving in with us and hearing of a little dog desperately in need of a home. I have enough to do keeping myself going at the moment with the move. Once done and everything is comfortable and safe for an animal then may think about it.

Yes I miss the running around making Mum cups of tea and her laughing and saying she would prefer a Gin and Tonic. Her laughter is what I miss so much. She was great fun and had a great sense of humour. For me staying in the family house would not be healthy as I don’t think I could ever move on properly and know she would want that for me. If you love where you live why should you move. It sounds lovely. Your memories of your wonderful husband Peter and life together are there and Barney too. I am moving from a city to a small market town and am so looking forward to a more relaxed style of life.

My relative, known to me and friends as the Chocolate Teapot, is staying at the moment. Supposed to be helping me pack up the house but doing very little. We weer talking about disposal of some smaller items yesterday and I asked if they would like them. the response, ‘I don’t want things, I just want the money!’

Two and a half weeks to go!

Love Mel.

He/she is as much use as a chocolate teapot seems to sum your so-called relative to perfection. It appears to me that they are not there to help you but to ensure they do not lose out on anything. When everything is sold you must make sure you are not stuck with the bills for solicitors etc. it must come out of both of your inheritances. If they don’t like it they can lump it.

Where you are moving to sounds lovely, Peter and I, when we were younger and our sons had left home, we always talked about moving to a small village where Peter and I could still easily get to work. Then we decided we would wait until we both retired and go and live in Tenerife, we loved it there. I retired and Peter took early retirement as he said it was knocking the stuffing out of him at work, so we were looking forward to a few years relaxing together then Peter became ill, little did we know he had been ill whilst he was working that was why he was tired all the time. our GSD at that time was called Max and he died suddenly aged eight years old, the same age as Barney when he died, and all our plans just vanished into thin air. A few months later we got Barney as company for Peter so if I went shopping, Peter would have him for company for a few hours, but it got to the stage that I could not leave Peter at all and Barney was by his side every single day. We spent the next few years visiting hospitals etc. Then Peter died, now Barney has gone and it is only me now. I honestly don’t have the inclination or the energy to contemplate moving, I am now living day to day, if it is nice I go in the garden and plant flowers, if it nis raining, I iron any clothes, and watch a film on my laptop, I am still living in the Dining Kitchen where Barney used to sit with me as the rooms in the house are very large and lonely.

I wish you all the very best Mel, and hope you will be happy in your forever home.

Love Sheila

Hi Sheila

The reference to my Forever Home made me smile so much. This is exactly how I have been looking at the move as a fellow rescue animal person. I certainly don’t want to repeat the moving experience too quickly. Have heard today that we should be exchanging contracts in the next couple of days then it is all systems go.

A friend is coming to help me clear and pack this weekend. I can’t wait to see her (and the back of the CT for a couple of days). Someone sensible who will roll up their sleeves and give proper help and support.

My relative, and i am not saying the relationship in case they come on this forum and guess it is them, is very controlling and would very much like to retain control of Mum’s finances. I have had to explain in words of one syllable that I need my half of the available money now to pay removal costs. There have been several huffs about me buying a property and taking what is my share of the house value. They are already talking about my new spare bedroom as their room when they stay. That will not be happening as will not buy a spare bed until the sales at the very least so I can get a good bargain.

Anyway, I hope the weather is good with you today and you are sitting in your garden. Otherwise a film on the laptop sounds like a great idea to me.

Love
Mel

Hi Mel, glad things are moving on quickly. Once everything is cut and dried, tell your waste of space CT that this is your new home, not theirs and no, there won’t be a spare bed for them and to stick their half of the inheritance where the sun don’t shine. Do not tell them your address, email or phone number. This is a toxic person who will bring you down, he/she will always have something negative to say and that is one person you do not want in your life. This is a new chapter for you so you need positive people in your life. I am a person who cannot do with hassle, so I tend to sit back and hold my tongue, but, if I am riled, they better keep away from me because I can turn like a flash and they would not like me when I get angry. I am glad you have someone helping you that really wants to help and I am sure you will get through things a lot quicker than CT being there. It has given it out for rain here so watching King Arthur, Legend of the Sword on my laptop, having a cup of coffee and sucking on a chocolate.

I was sat in the garden yesterday for a couple of hours, it got really hot, I put on my headphones and listened to mine and Peters music and I cried solidly for the two hours because it was so lonely without Barney running up and down, I remembered what it was like a five years ago when Barney was about 3 years of age, me and Peter playing pig in the middle with Barney and Barney was in the middle trying to catch the ball. So many happy memories.

You take care and I hope you get through everything quickly.

Love Sheila

Hello Dionne - I share your pain - I lost my sister just two months ago. She was a year younger than me and was taken after a very short illness. She was my only sibling and although I have a family I feel very alone - I miss her terribly. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Steve