Bed time

I dread going to bed knowing that one side is and now always will be empty,I dread waking up cos he’s no longer here, I only sleep because of my little blue pill without it I don’t sleep at all,I think of him as I go to sleep and again as I wake,I cannot get him out of my head.

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Im the same my mark died in march and iv cried every day since
Knowing he is gone and that ill never see him again is heart breaking I think about him all the time especially those last few days in hospital I even put photos of him all around my bedroom just so that I can see his smiling face
I feel your pain here if you need to talk or let things out

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HI im 15 months into my nightmare .Istill sleep downstairs ,ive never slept in our bed or bedroom since my Denise passed

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Just been reading your comments. I sympathise with you all. Its 4 months since my husband died but I still dread bed time. I have a photo of my husband on his side of the bed and I take one of his scarves to bed with me to hold on to. When he was having chemo over the winter he used to wrap the scarf around his face because the intravenous drugs he received made him feel the cold. I seem to manage these days on 6 hours sleep because as soon as I wake up n the morning I have to get up to keep my mind of the thouhht that my hubby is never going to be here again to saygood morning and give me a kiss.
We are all going through this terrible time but I think this site helps onr feel you are not alone with these terrible feelings.
My thoughts are with you all, Katy

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Oh goodness I recognise all of this. Its nearly 4 years since my husband died. I moved into the spare room as I just couldn’t deal with the emptiness, then I decorated the spare room in a very different way, I had always had a house full of males (I have 2 sons who have left home) so now I have a very ‘girly’ pretty room so its a totally different feel and is now my sanctuary where I can escape, feel sad or peaceful or whatever. Our bedroom is now the new spare room which I don’t need to go into. There is no timescale to grief. My thoughts are with you

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19 months since my sister passed, my best friend , soulmate. The pain is immeasurable, from the moment I wake until the moment I eventually fall to sleep I think about her . Life is so empty without her, just had to share. Thank you

Hi Sheila,

I was so sorry to read your post and understand so well what you are saying. All through my Mum’s last weeks our lovely cat was with us. Old and getting very frail but there and a comfort. Having him to cuddle through that time was so wonderful and when he died four months later my heart broke all over again. That link with Mum severed.

I think you sound wonderful, your stories about going dancing and love of music. Can you bear to listen to the rock ‘n’ roll records you both danced to? My Mum enjoyed the John Wilson Orchestra and the Hollywood Prom he does every year. I can’t listen to the CDs any more, far too painful.

I hope your sore mouth is feeling a bit less painful now.

Mel

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Hi Sheila,

you write so beautifully and descriptively. Your memories must be so precious. I thought of my Dad when I read about your lovely tall husband. Dad was over 6’ and I know I am biased but I thought he was very good looking. My Mum too was gorgeous and I think they must have made a very fine couple when they were young.

I think memories are so important, especially when they are so clear. I found the patchwork quilt Mum was making from scraps from our childhood clothes last week. Doubly precious as she made the clothes for us too and I can remember many of the materials used.

Like your Barney our cat adored Mum and transferred his affection to me when she became ill. He didn’t like her hospital bed and the noise it made so came to me. The comfort he gave me after she passed away was everything. Making that decision to have him put to sleep was awful but I held him whilst it was done so he knew he was loved until the end.

Yes we live each day as it comes. One year on from losing Mum and I can hardly believe I have got here. I know the pain has lessened for me but it is the feeling of resignation that is the worst at the moment.

Love Mel.

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Dear Sheila,

Love the idea of you with your bodyguards at the wedding. Oh yes, I know about the Krays! A not so charming family.

My Dad was 6’3’’ and I have always liked tall men I think because of that. 25 years on from losing him and I still think about him a lot especially now when Mum is always in my thoughts. I never thought I would get over him passing away but I did. When I lost Mum last year I couldn’t bear the thought of life without her but here I am a year on still here. I lived with her, actually never moved out of the family house. We were good pals and it worked for us, she did her own thing mostly and I did mine until she became housebound when I started caring for her. I haven’t married or had children, don’t regret either as never met anyone I wanted to marry. I have a ‘Memories of Mum’ book where I write down the little things that come to mind. Relatives have talked to me about when Mum was little and I jot these snippets down. If I never read the book again it doesn’t matter but I have it to look at if I want to.

Like you I couldn’t say what I wore last week but every big event yes I know exactly what I wore. That feeling of going out in a dress your Mum has made for you knowing no one else will have one like it! I can even remember the swimming costumes I had as a child.

I am moving house in the next few weeks and intend to have a corner of the garden devoted to my Mum. I have dug up the large camellia bush I gave her some years ago and have it potted ready to go with me. Another of the pots contains some of our cat’s ashes although the bulk were buried in the garden. I felt I had to take a bit of him as he was such a special boy. My first house I have brought myself, all a bit terrifying but also exciting. I am sad that Mum will never visit me there but it is through her frugalness I have been able to buy it outright. That is how I can bear to look forwards and what will get me through the next few months.

Lots of love
Mel

Dear Sheila

I got through yesterday, the first anniversary of losing Mum, Lots of memories and thinking of her and quite a few tears shed but not nearly as bad as I expected.

Caring for Mum was a gradual process at first. She became more frail, loss of her sight and mobility and it was only when she was found out to be terminally ill that the real care came in. She was in hospital for a week after during which time I cleared up all the work I could then concentrated on her return home and her nursing. Yes helping her with things I never thought I could do. A complete role reversal, her the child and me the parent cleaning her and helping her eat. I try not to remember the sadness in her eyes. I saw her cry only once and all I could do was wipe the tears away and stroke her lovely wavy hair hoping it would comfort her.

For me moving house is a necessity, no choice in the matter. The family house was left to me and one other. A relative who was foul to me and Mum through her illness. The daily comments I called ‘The Daily Bitch’ when I was subjected to torrents of abuse. I thought it was my imagination until someone took me on one side and said they had seen what was going on and it was mental abuse. I have had to bite my tongue for a year and it is coming to an end. I will walk away hopefully without saying anything and can regain my life again. I will have a theatre very close to my new home and intend going to lots of shows. Mum and I loved going to the theatre together so I shall indulge myself and her memory.

I am 56 by the way so yes I hope I will have lots of years to enjoy my new house. I am already being contacted for work projects next year so life is chugging on.

Lots of love
Mel
Xx

Hi Sheila

Like you I feel you cannot replace animals when they die. They are individuals and not something new to go shopping for when the last one breaks. I am keen to have at least one cat and hopefully a dog too when i am settled in my new place. But only when and if the time is right. We always found animals came to us when they wanted, stray cats moving in with us and hearing of a little dog desperately in need of a home. I have enough to do keeping myself going at the moment with the move. Once done and everything is comfortable and safe for an animal then may think about it.

Yes I miss the running around making Mum cups of tea and her laughing and saying she would prefer a Gin and Tonic. Her laughter is what I miss so much. She was great fun and had a great sense of humour. For me staying in the family house would not be healthy as I don’t think I could ever move on properly and know she would want that for me. If you love where you live why should you move. It sounds lovely. Your memories of your wonderful husband Peter and life together are there and Barney too. I am moving from a city to a small market town and am so looking forward to a more relaxed style of life.

My relative, known to me and friends as the Chocolate Teapot, is staying at the moment. Supposed to be helping me pack up the house but doing very little. We weer talking about disposal of some smaller items yesterday and I asked if they would like them. the response, ‘I don’t want things, I just want the money!’

Two and a half weeks to go!

Love Mel.

Hi Sheila

The reference to my Forever Home made me smile so much. This is exactly how I have been looking at the move as a fellow rescue animal person. I certainly don’t want to repeat the moving experience too quickly. Have heard today that we should be exchanging contracts in the next couple of days then it is all systems go.

A friend is coming to help me clear and pack this weekend. I can’t wait to see her (and the back of the CT for a couple of days). Someone sensible who will roll up their sleeves and give proper help and support.

My relative, and i am not saying the relationship in case they come on this forum and guess it is them, is very controlling and would very much like to retain control of Mum’s finances. I have had to explain in words of one syllable that I need my half of the available money now to pay removal costs. There have been several huffs about me buying a property and taking what is my share of the house value. They are already talking about my new spare bedroom as their room when they stay. That will not be happening as will not buy a spare bed until the sales at the very least so I can get a good bargain.

Anyway, I hope the weather is good with you today and you are sitting in your garden. Otherwise a film on the laptop sounds like a great idea to me.

Love
Mel

Hello Dionne - I share your pain - I lost my sister just two months ago. She was a year younger than me and was taken after a very short illness. She was my only sibling and although I have a family I feel very alone - I miss her terribly. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Steve

My husband died suddenly in January. He passed away in the chair down stairs while I was getting ready to go to work. So the mornings were my unbearable time for months. That day started just the same as any other, our normal routine. He had not been ill and I had no reason to think that when I came back down stairs after just 40mins he would no.longer be beside me. He was three weeks off receiving his state pension and I was going to give up work as well so we could spend more time together. People told me not to stop working as it would help to get out of the house but every morning was just a re-run in my mind. Unbearable, I just had to make changes. I now work just two days a week and have a different morning routine on the days I do. I can’t say that things are getting better but just a change of routine has made the start of each day possible.

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I lost my partner 9 weeks ago and I’ve hardly slept since… when I do I cry myself to sleep and have to wake to the reality that he’s gone… he’s constantly on my mind. Everyone keeps saying give yourself time but I’m so drained it’s hard to get up and out of bed in the morning

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Hello Sheila, was wondering today how you’ve been getting on. I remember reading you had been away and had mixed emotions. I agree when you talk about the grieving for his loss of his own future or for your loss for the future you should have had. Either way it’s horrendous. I have just been reading the post “struggling” about someone who has lost a parent and several months later lost her beloved dog and is distressed as she feels it’s a link to her parent that has now been severed. I remember you commenting the same when you yourself lost your loving companion Barney. Life really is a struggle isn’t it. Kindest regards to you.

Bed time is awful for me too Ginny, last night I woke in a panic an hour and a half after I fell asleep
I’ve resisted pills so far (two years) but I can’t go on like this, I lie there, wide awake and it’s almost as if my mind is searching for things to scare myself!
I think I’ve always been a bit that way but my husband was always there to comfort and reassure me
We were together 51 years, married 49 years

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hi
I lost my husband two years ago.For the life of me i can not switch of from everything going around in my head.When i do finally fall asleep i wake up and think i have been asleep for hours but it has only been ten minutues.I feel so tired and drained of all energy.I keep seeing him in my dreams as if he was still here with me.But. my dreams are all mixed up.Is this normal.i do not know if other people have the same thing.
Brendaj

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I know how you feel it horrid my Dennis has been gone sixteen month and i still cant face going to bed ,i cant sleep and doctor wont give me any pills ,he say it all part off thr grieving process, so just get on with it ,i still cant eat very much either its a daily battle just to get my self up and motivated take care x x

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Good morning Lonely - Last week my tablet broke and I had to resort to using a laptop I had not used for about 12 months. Upon booting up the laptop displayed the original page it shut down on - strangely enough, it was one of your conversations with another widow on another site, probably not long after you lost your Precious Peter. I must have been reading about you. So it is a small world, but sometimes for the wrong reasons. Do you think there will never be a turning back on your decision to not have another dog? I suppose once you have got used to the independence you never wanted, but was foisted upon you when you lost your sweet Barney it may be difficult to go back to having a “baby” to care for again. I should say “toddler” really because like children, when German Shepherds are quiet it’s usually because they are up to something they shouldn’t be somewhere. And of course, the independence is just an incidental extra to the primary reasons you wouldn’t want another pet. The associations with Peter etc, I would think the same more than likely. I understand you have had GSDogs in the past and if any dog is the next best thing to a human, it’s a German Shepherd. Again, along with companionship brings the price you pay when the sad inevitable occurs again and the human heart and soul can only take so much can’t they. Hope I haven’t caused distress with any of my comments about a pet. Kindest regards and take care.