Beginning of The End

Last year on this day, my little sister was alive and managing her cancer. We all had so much hope. We were on the phone chatting or texting through the day, as we always did. By evening she was in the hospital (only for fluids). Over night she declined. By morning she coded in front of me, holding her hand, as the medical team worked fervently to save her. Then the flat line, and the dreaded words “sorry we could not save her.” Two days later on 5th of May was her birthday, and the end of the plans we had. A part of me died with her that night. I practically raised her, and was often called “the little mother.” I protected her from so much of the chaos we grew up with. When our Mom got lung cancer and died, we held each other up. Both being single, we did everything together. She was my best friend and my human diary. We shared our daily ups & downs, and laughed till we cried. This past year has been the longest, loneliest of my life. Now the reality hits , as I face the anniversary of her death, May 3, and the second blow, her birthday May 5. I cannot accept that this will be forever, and each year from now on, she will no longer be in my life. This forum has helped so many times on those “firsts” throughout this horrific year. Now I come to speak my pain once again, to the special people here who always seem to offer the most comforting words, even in their own time of loss. I need those words now, to please help me through this next painful, frightening leg of my grief journey. I feel back at square one, lost and stumbling in the darkness. The mask is off and I can no longer play the part. No world, I am not Ok. Oh, how I wish I could have protected her from what was to come. She loved life and deserved so much more. I am so sorry Baby Sister. Thank you for listening, and for all you give to me, and each other. Sad Sister2 Xxxx

Dear Sister2
Try to hold on to the knowledge that your beloved sister no longer has to struggle with pain and fear…she has been released but has left you all her ove and uniqueness…she will always be with you so carry her gently.
Thinking of you especially this weekend x

I am so sorry to hear about your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating what has become no one understands our personal sensitive bonds all those conversations the love on different levels your in my thoughts take care as much as possible x

Sister. My goodness, the pain that comes through your post is almost palpable. I feel for you so much, we all do, and I’m sure our love and empathy will travel to you. What can I say, what can anyone say at this time of reminder. Birthdays and celebration days are so painful. My wife’s birthday is on May 22nd and I’m hoping I can cope. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but such strong love and such intense feels you have can never die. The bond between you and your sister can NEVER be broken. You are linked by the golden chain of love that no one or nothing can break, and as you gently pull the chain in you will reunited. There is always hope. No matter how long the suffering lasts hope is always there as is courage. The pain will lessen, but not the memories. They will be there but with a celebration of a love that can never fail. Take care. Love and Blessings.

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My Dear fellow Grievers, Thank you so much for all of your for your heartfelt words. I knew I came to the right place in my time of such crushing pain. Yes Jonathan the love & empathy can be felt, and offers such comfort, thank you all. I somehow got through yesterday (the anniversary of her death) and was joined by three of her friends and colleagues. We spread some of her ashes at one of her favourite places. I was on automatic the whole day. I did not want to bring the friends down because they were all trying to lift me, so I stifled my tears. However, once I got home and closed the door they erupted, and I was drowning in waves of despair. The grief wore me out, until I finally collapsed into sleep. I appreciated being with others but still felt alone, if that makes sense.
Tomorrow is her birthday and another challenge. I feel detached from the world, and still fighting this awful reality. I am taking today to be with my feelings and let the tears flow, without restraint or fear of upsetting others. I feel so blessed to have found this site and all of you. You are unique, in that you differ from others in our lives who often judge or dismiss our feelings. My thoughts are with all of you as well, as you struggle through this maze of pain we now find ourselves in.
Love & Caring to all, Sister2

That’s so so heartbreaking a week ago today too I spread some of my soulmates ashes where we like to be I keep thinking it can’t be true or real but it is its Harrowing the pain and terror we feel your so in my thoughts have you ever thought about getting a ring or necklace made out of some if the ashes so your sister is in spirit but in body with you too?
I strongly recommend everwith jewellery.com or. co.uk they are fantastic I too have some left over feel so devastated today will wait until this wind goes down and spread the rest in the garden where we always used to sit I cant even face looking out there now everything has such bittersweet memories all it does is take my breath away and ask why thinking of you x

Dear Jonathan, Your words have touched my heart. I could never take anything you say in the wrong way. You speak with such warmth and sincerity. Take comfort in knowing we will be there for you as well on your beloved wife’s birthday, May 22.

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Hi Ade, Thank you for the suggestion. Some might think this odd, but I know I can share it here. There are some tattoo artist that will mix some of the ashes with the tattoo and I have been considering that, but not sure. She collected Mermaids, so I thought a Mermaid tattoo with her name might be an option. I think it is nice you will spread some in the garden. A garden can be such a serene place to sit with your memories. A friend suggested we spread ashes in many different places that had meaning to the person and they shared with loved ones. But we all must do what feels right for us. I hope you might find some moments of peace this weekend. I will be on the site more during this difficult anniversary/birthday, so please let me know how you are keeping. I know it is so hard to see the light. Xxx Sister2

Hi there no everyone to there own I’ve heard of this too and have been interested me and my soulmate loved roses I was thinking the same too a mermaid sounds perfect too and they are beautiful and thankyou I cant bring myself to sit out in the garden yet plus I’m Newcastle thus weekend it’s quite windy but definitely over the next couple of days as I feel I can I will he always liked to be out and about I don’t want him just sitting there im pleased you said that we used to go for a nice walk next to a lake we loved maybe a few around there it’s so so heartbreaking to have to think of these things I met my soulmate when I was 21 he was just 23 seventeen years together moved in after three months before we could afford our own house we built a home together doesn’t feel like home now just a quiet empty silent house I go from room to room at times thinking he’s there but I know not I was scared to open my eyes this morning knowin his head wouldn’t be on the pillow it’s so distressing people say time heals it may well but nothing will take away the pain and terror of watching my 6 1 friendly giant fall asleep in my arms three months before his 40th birthday it’s traumatised me you really are in my thoughts and if you want a tattoo go for it it your memory you could choose the design colours the way the names spelt all so personalised these days something I’ll look into myself thanks for that yes ill be on here a bit too as at the doctors on Wednesday still on a waiting list for cruse bereavement but still another eight to ten weeks wait I’ll try but I don’t think theres any words anyone can say to know someones personal bond closeness those late night chats that look at eachother without saying a thing ad we both know what we meant everything really it’s all a great miss sending you a hug speak soon x

((((Ade)))) Tears for you, and for all of us.

Thankyou same here can’t stop today wish it were a nightmare but it’s every half a second of a battle speak soon x

Hi sorry do you mind me asking on the death certificate did they put sepsis aswell?
They have left it off my partners death certificate and only put liver failure which he was getting well from until the deadly sepsis attacked that caused his organs to shut down in crital care thanks i appreciate it x

Thinking of you today hun take care and all your time message whenever you can I understand today will be so do difficult on so many levels take as much care as possible please in my thoughts and heart god bless your sisters precious heart x

Thinking of you hun your in my thoughts as is your precious sister not a good weekend all around just scattered some of my soulmates ashes in the garden where we were last may bank holiday before heading out breaking heart emoji Adele x

Hi Ade, No need to be sorry. My beloved sister went into kidney failure as a result of the sepsis. A few hours later her heart stopped and she could not be revived. They put “cardiac arrest” on her death certificate. So sad no matter.

Hi hun it’s devastating they did the same with Edward even though the deadly sepsis attacked and shut down his organs they put liver failure it’s soul destroying you were in my thoughts yesterday and are today take as much care as possible speak soon Adele x

Hello Everyone, How are you getting by? My sister’s birthday began at church, where our mutual best friend and I lit candles and prayed. I found comfort there. The evening was quite different, I was at a dinner with my older sibling, who has been less than kind to both my little sister & myself. I reached out in good faith since we had not seen each other since last Summer, and only communicated by text, email and occasional call. She is not easy to be around, and was brutal after my little sister died. It took all my strength not to confront her lies, shifting of stories and constant talk about herself. But I got through it, and feel I did the right thing. I just wished the dinner could have been more about my little sister’s birthday, because that was why we were there. Thank you all again for helping me through this challenging time, and listening to my sadness. We are all just trying to survive what we have been handed, minute by minute. Here for you as well. Sister2 Xxxx

You did so well it must have been so hard for you x

May your own lovely and comforting words bring you peace and solace today on your wife’s birthday. May beautiful memories of your life together sustain you. Thinking of you. Sister2 Xxx

Thank you - your words about the golden chain are beautiful and offer us some hope of some kind or peace and acceptance eventually. I have asked them for a lock of his hair and am searching for a locket to put it in.

xx

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