Aw … well put ! Oh yeh lets all go out oarting whrn we just loast person we love ! People lose sympathy i know ! But its not happened to them has it ? And i don’t care if they understand or not !! They will one day ;( people are pretty crass in my observation ! Take no notice ! X
@Deb5 I hate the sunshine as doesn’t match my mood. I much prefer the dull and dark weather. Also the sunshine reminds me what my husband and myself would be doing like going out for walks and having a BBQ. God how much our lives have changed
Thankyou .my stepson dave aderlaide and family are disgusted with jude
Thank Goodness you have the support of your family. It’s wonderful when someone comes alongside to be indignant on one’s behalf. They nsy not be abke to change the situation but it dies change the wayvwe handle it.
I have had my share of insensitive remarks but mostly, made in ignorance and true concern. People on the outside must be scrabbling round in their heads wondering what on earth they can say and do to help and the best they can come up with is to try to show us a positive of some kind. There are those who are motivated by malice or desire to be in control but they are not friends and we can try to delete them from our lives. I have a sister-in-law like that, to whom I reply courteously if she invites me to family gathering ( knowing full well i have no means of getting there) but she is a person I shall nor see again if I can help it.
God bless us all.
Yeh i kmow hazelnits rubbish isnt it im laid in bed watching t.v. we wouldve been doing something if he was here and well xx
My husband died the day before our 38th Wedding Anniversary Managed to get through my first birthday without Robin last week. No kisses , cuddles, handmade card, or surprise treat. Five months seems like forever ago today was bad didnt want to get out of bed AGAIN…sleeping remains an issue 3 -5 hours a night…came of the Zoplicone myself and so not feeling so ghostlike everyday. But i share everyone’s feelings of sadness, loss and deep grief-stricken days. Being diabetic doesn’t help blood sugars are all over the place. Thank you everyone for sharing
Its absolutly impossible to live alone we do it cos we have to, but im just comming upto a year in june to be with out my wife, and i can tell you know im hurting has much has i did the very first day i lost her, we both died that day, im still a pathetic mess most days, so dont beat yourselfs up. We all init for the long hawl
I can relate to blood sugars being all over the place because i,m diabetic as well.its been 3 months since i lost my gorgeous fantastic wife sue and some days i have to force myself to get out of bed and put my prosthetic leg on and i have to sort Teddy n George our two dogs .plus i made sue a promise to carry on being the person she made me into and not to do anything stupid .plus its not fair on my family to put them through me doing anything stupid .we are going through the same journey
@Merle sorry for your loss. It was my husband’s birthday this week and the first of the ‘firsts’. It’s only been 7 weeks 4 days for me on this journey and I have found the last week extremely difficult. Like you I usually only sleep 4-5 hours a night. Such for all of us on this journey. Sending hugs.
Yes my birthday coming up soon ! Yikes i hope im ok … my dear brother and his wife taking me to a concert week before and me and my daughter going on a spa day … its tough innit without our lovely husbands ? My hairdresser said today its just a stage u know, it wont last forever … mmmm … shes only young though but theres some truth in it ? However we go through a lot of pain to get there … for damn sure xx
@Deb5 I think all the special days are going to be the toughest. Just had my husband’s birthday then in a few weeks it will be my birthday, my grandson’s birthday and father’s day. Don’t know how I’m going to get through that as this last week has been the toughest yet. Think like you I will try to make plans & keep myself busy.
These are some of my reasons for carrying on the promise I made to to my gorgeous fantastic wife sue
I know exactly how you feel .my birthday is next month and I’m dreading it
“…just a stage…” My Goodness, the assumptions of those who havw never 3xperienced this, take my breath away.
I don’t think the “firsts” are the worst. For those, there are probably still people around who are prepared to make the effort to offer support. In my case, since then, I have had to cope alone. It isn’t that people wouldn’t help if the could but they have other priorities, other considerations and plans. My great feeling of loss is that there is no-one for whom I come first, nor second, not even third.
I have no family. My friends’ families obviously come first with them.
It was my birthday last week. One friend spared the time to visit me, fitting me in between a funeral and someone he had to see about a smoke alarm. His is the only face I have seen in eleven days.
Other people who remembered me were either on holiday, packing to go on holiday or unpacking, having just returned from holiday. Not only didn’t I come first, I was not even on the list.
They remembered me by sending photos of exotic places and events and happy, smiling faces.
I know how bitter this sounds. It isn’t how I feel - just profoundly sad in my complete isolation and the realisation that it cannot matter to anyone else.
I’m almost looking forward to some blood tests. At least I shall see another face.
God bless us all.
Oh Merle, like you
My sweet, beautiful husband died one day before our wedding anniversary .
15 years for us.
He , and marriage came to me later than other family and friends.
There all still married, and with their sweethearts.
I feel so cheated we didn’t have more more time together
Love and hugs you all
@Prof sorry for your loss. While I am struggling with the ‘firsts’ only 7 weeks after losing my husband I’m not isolated like you. I have a daughter, a step daughter, 4 grandchildren & friends. It is still incredibly difficult even with people around me the loneliness is soul destroying. We were married for nearly 35 years and spent so much time together . I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you. Sometimes just chatting to someone can help. Could you get out to a library or coffee shop? We are all here to help each other. Even if the only contact you have with the outside world is chatting on here, hopefully, that helps a bit. Take care
Aw … i know its so hard isnt it ? To not come first in anybodys life anymore ;( having that one person who loved you to death, wanted to spend time with you, cared for you, wanted to go on any holiday with you ! People have absolutely no idea have they ? I have family but they been useless ! No support whatsoever ! Theyre too busy thinking about themselves ! My husband was main family. He loved and cared for me the most ;( i have one daughter who has started being better now but other two kids ! Useless
Can you try talk to your neighbours … i found mine been really helpful worth a shot ? Xx
I know how you feel im alone too just the cat my family live abroad i have one friend but her life is so so busy .i dont drive so ye its hard ive been in touch with help for the ages .They wwere helpfull told me about coffee mornings and events close by Im in the early stages of grief 6 weeks so dont feel ready yet but do feel so supported by everyone on here .xx
Dear Jan, Deb and Hope,
Thank you so much for your replies. It is such a relief to come on to this forum and be with people who understand.
You also understand that being in the middle of a group can be one of the loneliest places. Everyone has come along, having discussed what to wear, what time to set out, whether or not to take something, checking who locked the back door etc., and they will leave the party with their partners, chatting about the people, food, atmosphere and so on, arriving home to put the kettle on, shoes off and relax in the afterglow and each other’s company. They have enjoyed the gathering but are glad to be back home.
People so often tell me I should join this or that, tell me I have so much to offer, that my brain isn’t being used, that I need to get out and life goes on. No-one can come up with a means by which I might attempt all of these things.
I am in my eighties, having been cared for the whole of my life, first by loving parents and then, for the whole of my adult life, by my husband, who cherished me for 60 years. I am now partially sighted, therefore unable to drive and live in an isolated spot where even people posting junk mail can’t be bothered to trek. There are no facilities (not even a bus) within my walking capabilities but perhaps my worst handicap is being agoraphobic, to the extent that often, I cannot go out into my own garden.
Looking back, there has always been something in me that dislikes being away from home but since my husband died, this has become more of a problem, which I fight to overcome. It’s difficult for others to understand, partly because I don’t explain it and have only a hazy grasp of it myself.
Before I go on, getting bogged down being a miserable old bat and getting on everyone’s nerves, let me say how grateful I am to have been given so much. Perhaps all of us on here, however long or short a time we have had together, know the same gratitude but it doesn’t stop us from hating the fact that we have been parted. The shock is the same. Age doesn’t come into it. My husband was fit, strong, athletic, capable of anything except wallpapering, which we both hated with a passion and any electrical work beyond the most basic. A week after he died he had been entered for a fell race in the Lake District and a triathlon two weeks later.
We went dancing twice a week and danced every day at home. With him by my side, I could do anything. Now I am like a sweet-pea plant with the frame taken away. Having to find my way around was not an issue because I was taken wherever I needed to go. Doors were opened, chairs pulled out and coats held.
Am I coming across as thoroughly spoilt, greedy and useless? Oh dear! I’m just bereft that’s all and miss my life. Professional colleagues for nearly forty years would not recognise what has become of me. I don’t recognise myself.
Right now is the worst time of my life. This lovely month of May, with all its promise and which always gave us such joy, is now so hard to bear. My birthday and his anniversary are within a fortnight of one another. The blossoming trees announce that the terrible two weeks are beginning and as the short-lived petals fall, I reach that most dreadful day of all.
If anyone has stayed with me this far, thank you. Thank you for caring enough to keep reading and I hope that whatever you feel in your heart, you can be comforted, however slightly, from knowing that someone here, on this site, understands exactly, when no-one else can.
God bless us all.
@Prof I love reading your posts even if they do bring tears to my eyes. I miss my husband dreadfully. The pain is excrutiating. I’m sitting here and looking around my living room thinking he should be here…but he isn’t. Oh how I would love to go back just two years to when things were relatively normal. I hate my life now and don’t think I will ever get used to it no matter how much I try. Take care.X