Hi may I have your views on bereavement counselling please. I was offered counselling via my doctor but declined. It’s 10 months since my husband passed and I’m still struggling to cope with my loss. I find mornings particularly difficult. Am I expecting too much too soon with beginning to feel life is worth living? I also get angry at times for my loss, anyone else experience anger?
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Maisie, so sorry for your loss. I lost my Jackie 21 weeks ago and I arranged to see her GP. She arranged counselling for me and while was s bit sceptical after the first session, I stuck at it and now have seen her 5 times. My 6th session is this Wednesday.
I find it great just to talk to another person, so I would say it’s helped me.
Not sure if I will continue as I don’t want to take up too much of her precious time.
Loneliness is the killer with me. I’ve been with Jackie for 60 years. We would have been married 58 years in September.
I have experienced both anger and guilt at myself for not recognising how ill Jackie was. GP told me that this was quite normal and I shouldn’t take it out on myself.
I have recently joined a Chatty Cafe local group, which gets me out mixing with others in a similar position.
This place is also useful in knowing we are not alone.
You take care 
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Hi thank you for your reply and sorry for your loss. We had been married for 49 years and enjoying retirement together, basically together 24/7 since we retired. I miss my husband so much he was such a lovely caring man with a brilliant sense of humour and my soulmate. Like you I’m very lonely and struggle to get through the day. I find waking in the morning difficult feeling depressed and anxious that he’s gone forever. It was a sudden unexpected death which I still can’t believe has happened and I had no time to prepare myself for (if you ever can).
May be I will give counselling a try …anything to help me adapt to my lonely life. I have been looking to join somewhere like your chatty cafe but not found anywhere yet. It would be good and beneficial to meet people in my position.
Sending you strength and my very best wishes.
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Hello Maisie7, I have had 5 counselling sessions so far. I am finding them useful as it’s somewhere I can really express my true feelings. I can’t speak so openly with family or friends - and bottling things up was not doing me any good. I like my counsellor very much and, while it’s quite painful, he is easy to talk to. I’m glad I started the sessions and find it gives a bit of shape to my week. I make some notes before I go, to help me prepare. I sometimes get angry too - grief is so painful on lots of levels. Best wishes with whatever you decide,
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Many thanks, I will certainly give it a go, anything that may ease the pain of loss. Glad it’s helping you, take care
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@Maise7
Hi Maise, I can certainly relate to feeling anger.
I am fast approaching the 1st anniversary of losing my husband and have realised that in the last few weeks I have been getting increasingly angry. It’s weird and I can’t seem to control it, I can put on a reasonable “ok/fine” pretence for people now, but scratch the surface… even when little things go wrong and bang, I feel explosive. I’m thinking it may be about time I got some counselling too.
I miss him hugely. We were quite insular and ran a business together (working from home after he became ill) and I am carrying it on at the moment. It’s tough because I am faced every moment with how missing he is as I’m trying to do part of his job too.
I feel so much “public” (friends/family) pressure to do obvious things that make other people feel I’m moving on, but don’t feel that anyone appreciates how much I am coping with. I will be seeing a lot of his family this week and just hope I can keep a tight lid on my crazy reactive emotions.
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Hi Satie, thank you for your reply. It’s
made me feel better about my anger knowing I’m not the only one acting this way. I think grief is such a roller coaster of emotions and difficult to understand at times. I’ve shed so many tears, felt depressed and anxious and so very lonely. Been disappointed with some friends who were there for me when my husband passed but seem to have deserted me when I need them so. I fear for my future growing old on my own. I have two grown up sons, one of which has been marvellous helping me and turning up out of blue when he knows I am so down. The other son said at the beginning we will get through this together and was there for me when we first lost his dad. He doesn’t call round to see me, just sends texts asking how I am but I feel this is just routine. He has bad moods and recently took his mood out on me for no apparent reason, this upset me for days. His partner is a very cold person, she’s now home with my grandchildren for the school holidays doesn’t include me in anything with them and never asks how I am. I’m trying so hard to be strong but often feel I have no life left worth living since losing my soulmate. How I miss our chats, laughter, outings and holidays and just generally being together.
I hope I haven’t opened up too much on here … I think I will try counselling as realise I do need help. Sending you strength and best wishes.
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It’s fine to open up on here, it may help you explore things ready for when you see a counsellor. I’m sorry for your situation. Our dealings with other people seem so much harder now.
Yes, being lonely, depressed and anxious is all relatable too. I have been weirdly anxious about stuff I was never fussed about before. And yes the seeming pointlessness of it is heavy at times, isn’t it. I’ve said many a time that it isn’t the big things, but the trivial stuff of everyday life, just being together as you say, and the daft things only you two shared that make you ache so. Oddly I feel darker for a few days, after I have seen people and done the socialising thing everyone wants me to do.
I’ve found this site stabilising as it has made me feel more normal, and to find there so many people out there making their way gradually through the pain.
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Hi Maisie
I am so sorry for your loss.
I didn’t get it offered by my GP, but a friend recommended it (divorce etc). I went through Health in Mind, and it was the best thing I ever did.
I got 6 months of video counselling (face to face online) for 1-2hrs a week. I never talk about things and had not had anything like this before.
I would deffo recommend giving it a go xx
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Hi Wild, thank you for your advice. I have just tried to access Health in Mind and found an organisation that does online counselling for £60 per weekly session. I found this amount a bit excessive, may I ask exactly where to find the Counsellor(s) you recommend and the cost involved. Many thanks.
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Hi Maisie
Yes, it can get very expensive. Here is the NHS link - you can self-refer or your doctor can refer you:
Once you complete the online referral you’ll be asked to have a one hr one-to-one with a specialist who will then decide the best course of action. For example, I had an online one-to-one weekly for CBT, whereas my friend (divorce) had a face-to-face for another type of therapy that I cannot remember what it is.
I hope this helps, it helped the both of us immensely.
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Many thanks
Hi @Maisie7, I am sorry to hear of your loss and I hope you find the appropriate counselling or group you need. There are a lot of people on here to support you and I find these discussions a great help. I too have friends I no longer hear from and others that feel I should now be over it. We all put on a brave happy face to the public but they really don’t know how we are feeling inside.
My partner of 30 years passed away almost 11 months ago and I also do not seem to be feeling any better, I think at the start I was just numb. I go through waives of emotions where I’m fine one minute or in floods of tears the next, especially last week as we had some family milestones to celebrate and he wasn’t here to enjoy them. I left my partner 11 months before he passed due to our toxic relationship and his alcohol addiction, mainly to give him the kick up the butt he needed. Being there made no difference and it was affecting my own mental health. Unfortunately he went into a downward spiral so I have a lot of guilt, did we do enough, should I have gone back and also because we didn’t realise how ill he really was. We tried to support him but he wouldn’t accept any help. I felt like a single parent for a number of years as he showed no interest in family life, however it now feels completely different and lonely. He is no longer in the background, the chaos has gone and it’s so quiet. Something I was used to for so long. I am only in my 50’s and think is this my life now.
Considering what we went through, I don’t feel any anger, just sadness and have a lot of unanswered questions. He couldn’t speak once he was admitted to hospital and had delirium so we were unable to resolve our differences, he passed away after 3 weeks, it’s the worst time of my life and something I would never want to witness again. I have recently been in touch with Cruse and due to my complicated grief I am awaiting 1-1 counselling. They have also recommended I attend a local group so I will attend my first one in September. I’m nervous about going but I think it’s what I need in order to move on, meet other people in similar circumstances and receive advice from another persons perspective.
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@Maisie7 I lost my husband totally unexpectedly 7 months ago today. He was 65 , slim, fit and we were about to go on holiday for my 60th birthday. Now I feel really sad and upset for him, my sons and myself, and angry at losing our future. My Doctor said to persevere with Cruse . I live quite close to Norwich where you are. It says Cruse are permanently closed on the Norwich website, but I got through to the main Cruse number and the Norwich group are taking people on. I left a message Thursday morning and a lovely lady phoned me today. There is a 12 week wait, but I am on the Norwich list and will get 6 free phone sessions. The number is 0333 2300189 . They ask if you live in Norfolk or Suffolk and you leave a message with your name, phone number, email and postcode. Hope this helps xx
Hi thank you for your very helpful message, I will certainly get in touch with Cruse. Sorry to hear you too lost your husband suddenly the same as me. We had a cruise booked which I cancelled after he died as no way could I go on my own or with anyone else. We were hoping to travel more as we were both retired. The sadness I feel is quite overwhelming at times, I miss him so much. We were together 24/7 since retiring. I send you and all who are treading this lonely path strength and hope of being able to enjoy life again.
Hi sorry to hear you are struggling too with grief, you’ve certainly been through a difficult time. I hope the Counselling helps, I will too try Counselling as feel I do need support to help me through the most difficult and saddest time of my life. I was numb when my husband passed with the shock of his death and over the last few months the reality of losing him has been overwhelming, not only have I lost a wonderful partner but an end to future holidays etc, outings etc. Most of all I miss his company, humour and love, I feel I will never get over him dying but will have to learn to live my huge loss. Sending you and all on here in this awful situation hope, peace and love.
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You are very welcome Maisie. Let me know how you get on. We loved to travel. Our first holiday of the year was always long haul in January, now it will be the anniversary of his passing. I miss our holidays and don’t want to go with anyone else either. I hope Cruse helps us both. I know it doesn’t change what has happened to us, which is why I have resisted counselling so far, but I think it could benefit us. Sudden unexpected death is so traumatic. Am so sorry for you also xxx
Hello,
It will be a year on the 29th. of August since I lost my lovely wife. We had been married 48 years. The loss seems to be getting more painful.
I have been getting councelling but I am not sure it has been beneficial. I think the only real help you can get is from people who have experienced the same pain of berievement. Sometimes, you yourself are the best councellor.
I have found that the people I initially hoped would help have moved on, understandably.
I have been angered at myself at not recognizing that I could have done more to help her at the end and ease her suffering. She had cancer but the medical people were of little help.
I hope I can get through this first aniversary of her passing.
Wishing you all well who are on the the same painful journey as I am.
Keith.
If you’ve been offered counselling via your GP then go for it - the worst that can happen is you try it then don’t go again. I’ve found it helps to get out of the house and talk to somebody who will actually listen.
I’ve had to find a private counsellor as there’s no other option here so grab the chance while you can.
Anger? Yes, to an extent, but even worse is feeling guilty about virtually everything. A bad day and I feel guilty because my wife fought so hard, for so long, without complaint; a good day and I feel guilty for that too.
More than anything else, though, as we all seem to know only too well, is the loneliness and isolation that makes everything so much worse.
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Hello Maisie. I lost my husband suddenly 6 months ago and not only did the pain not go away I feel the feeling of loss has intensified. My GP recommended Cruse and I had to wait 3 months. They offered me 6 online counselling sessions which they extended to 8. Initially I found it difficult and spent most of the session crying. Reflecting at the end of the sessions I found I was able to tell the counsellor things that maybe I didn’t share with family and friends / the despair I felt and loneliness. I think I was protecting my family as didn’t want them to worry more than they already were. I eventually found the sessions really helpful. I can’t afford private counselling so I have done a self referral to the NHS Time to Talk service. After a 1 hour telephone assessment they have offered me 12 sessions BUT there is a long waiting list - 6 months at least. I hope you are able to access services best to you. So sorry for your loss
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