hi Pat feelling abit better today had a rough few days where i couldnt shake it off just one thing after another…!when have you got to back to the docs ? ive tried to keep busy and ive had support of you and a few others that has helped greatly xxx my son has got to see a neurologist tomorrow he has been having reall bad head aches for quite sone time and hes been waiting a whike to get appointment the inly thing is that i have to take him and its the sam place where i had to take Darrell so i dont know how that is going to be and as i have no faith in doctors or anyone in the medical profession i was going to put medical caring profession but dont think that is correct as there is no care part is there his appointment is 9 am so wint sleep tonight i did try and get out of going and asked his sister but after thinking properly and rationally about it that wouldn’t be fair on him and Darrell would not be happy if i did that… so dont want to disappoint them ill just have to stand by the door incaae i beed to get out xxx have you any plans for this evening xx take care lovely lady xx jo xx
Good evening Jo,
It’s caroline, I’m so pleased that my message helped you a little, it really is adorable to read the powerful eternal love you and Darrell have for each other, and beautiful that when you looked out the window the sky was full of stars just for you!! Darrell expressed his love and wrote it in the sky for you! What a beautiful sign for you!! By remembering and cherishing the love between you both it creates memories for you to cherish and hold, these little signs are what we need to remind us they are close. I had a dream about my dad last night, I didn’t want to wake up because I wanted to stare at him, I wanted to remember his cheeky smile, hear his great sense of humour but when I did I felt a warmth in my heart as I really felt that I had spent time with him again, time that I have missed so much, I worshiped my dad he was my dad, my friend, the only man in the world I could depend on and by just seeing him again in my dream it’s lifted me, I struggled and still do but I don’t want to show my pain to my mum but at times when I drive to work (which is the same road to the hospital my father was in) I feel physically sick, I break down crying, I find myself unable to look at certain things that remind me of the hospital, I dislike doctors, I have a sort of hatred for them as I don’t trust them anymore, I had to take my fathers heart monitors back to the hospital and I couldn’t breathe or speak when I went in, I just broke down, I was angry but now I’ve dreamt and spoke to my dad in my dream I feel stronger, I know the pain will always be with me but i hold onto my memories to give me strength and you must also hold onto all of your memories, think of the funny times and the love you have, you are so proud of Darrell but also know he is proud of you, and when you sleep Darrell does hold your hand but he also stands by you through the day!!
I hope when you look out of your window tonight the stars shine bright for you!!!
I agree this group is wonderful and through our pain we have all found one another!!! A coffee date would be great!! At least we could all finally be ourselves rather than trying to put a brave face on, it would be nice to just be free to cry openly.
I hope you have a lovely sleep tonight, take care xxx night night xxx
hi Caroline
what a lovely message thank you… you do send some beautiful messages . i do believe that if you have dreamt about your dear wonderful Dad that he did actual come to you while you were asleep ive read into this quite abit … thats why you felt the warmth of him and i do hope that gave you a great amount of comfort … While Darrell was so poorly i had to fight for everything a wheelchair, appointment, even blood tests believe it or not they were absolutely useless Darrell had 2 ventilators a cough assistant machine that i had to put on him to clear his lungs and a nebuliser,the hospital rang me and asked me to take them back 1 week after he passed away i told them that if they wanted them back they could come and fetch them i had enough running about to do and if they werent collected within 5 days a would sell them. there was no way i was doing any running about for them … i have got to take my son to the neurology department at our local hospital tomorrow morning and its the same place that i had to take my Darrell he had to go every 3 months for the past 12 years and im dreading it… i hope you have a peaceful evening and a good nights sleep and hope your Dad comes to see you again tonight x send my love to you mum i hope she is ok and im sending love to you to xxx thank you again for your beautiful messages love jo xxx
Hi Jo, So sorry you’ve been having a rough time this week I do so feel for you having to go to that hospital again. We do keep being tested. I know exactly how you feel. I can’t bear going near the place and will soon have to go myself. This will be the first time I’ve ever had a hospital appointment except when I went with Brian, so dread it. Take a photo of Darrell with you and hang onto it, kwwp asking him to give you strength, that’s what I will do. I don’t care if they think I’ve gone mad. They can lock me away and throw away the key for all I care. I have no plans for the evenings. I lock the doors and watch TV with my dogs, Don’t ever want to go out at night. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Love Pat xx
hi Pat i know it might sound odd but ive got a sock of darrells and it goes everywhere with me … what is it you have got of Brians that you take with you? i to am waiting for hospital appointment ive got to have the miniscus disc in my knee sewn back together couldnt have it done before as its 6 weeks recovery and there was no way anyone else was going to be looking after my Darrell… the doctor said he didnt know whether they would repair it or give me a new knee as its arthritic anyway but he said i was a bit too young so i dont know have to wait and see what excuses they make not to do anything at all… probably wont get much sleep again tonight because im dreading going in there but i need to do it for my son just hope they can sort these headaches out for him hes had them for years and nothing has been done we fought for this appointment nhs crap … hope you can have a restful night how is your chest now has to settled down a bit xxx hope you are as ok as you can be at the monent take care and thank you for your message xx love to you jo xxx
Hi jo,
It’s caroline again… I hope you found strength today at the hospital, I know how painful it is to walk back into a place that gave you so much heartache, you’ve had such a traumatic time, you need to take baby steps. How is your son? Good I hope, it can not be easy for you all.
It’s very strange and touching how we have met, our stories of pain are so similar and I think this is why I am drawn to you, you are walking in very similar steps to how we was a few months ago and I feel compelled to message you, to make sure you are ok and to check in daily.
It’s hard to put in words how broken we feel, but for me to see someone like yourself who is in raw pain where it hurts both physically and mentally I just want to tell you that you do feel your loved ones presence around you, my mum and I talk constantly about my father and my mum was in a terrible way when my father left us, she didn’t want to live without my dad she could not see a future, but myself and my sister promised our dad that we would look after her and we have stayed true to our word and take turns to stay the night with her so she is never lonely, we do everything together. We cry, we talk and we give each other strength. My mum was you a few months ago, I was so worried about her, grief is very personal and it hits us hard, I difficult for the children but for wife’s and husbands it is completely life changing. I always say to mum that dads love was so deep and strong he would never leave her, and with time my mum now says she feels him near her, it gives her strength, she listens to his music, wears his jumpers and the house is full of photos and love! Surround yourself with wonderful things to give you all the beautiful memories to remind yourself of the unconditional love you and Darrell had and have for each other.
Sending you and your family love from caroline and mum xxx
Hi Jo, I hope it was all okay at the hospital today. I have to go to the hospital where George died next week on Thursday (of all days because that is the day George died) for an ultrasound. Since George died I feel as if everything is going wrong with me and I seem to be receiving multiple hospital appointments. I hope they sort your knee out for you as these things can be miserable and debilitating. Take care xx
hi Caroline i really do appreciate your messages and i to feel very drawn to you and your mum i have a sock of darrells with me all the time when i have to go out… i always wear my Darrells pjs and dressing gown in the house … Darrell complete renovated our home when he was well so everywhere in the house reminds me off Darrell … how is your mum is ahe going out at all … im so glad that you and your sister are helping her so much what a lovely family you ate your Dad must be very very proud of you all … My son was diagnoaed as having chronic migraines and will be given medication nasal spray and tablets to help him… it took me 20 mins to get out of the car at the hospital really struggled when with the help of another member on thos site i got a grip and got out of yge carthe room in the hospital where we had to go was the same room we had took Darrell to a number of gines that was very hard the doctor asked if i auffered with migraines which i dont and asked if Darrell did my son just completly lost it and broke down so i then had to be the atron one he has been very quiet all day xx thank you so much for thinking about us today xx can you please pass on my love to your mum and sending you love a support to you xxx love jo xxx take care xxx such a shame that we arent closer to meet up for a coffee perhaps one day xx
hi Deb it took me 20 mins to get out of the car really struggled until i had a message on here and decided to get a grip and go in it was the same room that we had taken Darrell to on a few occasions the doctor asked my son a few questions then asked if i suffered with migraines which i dont and then asked if Darrell does my son just lost it and broke down hes been very quiet all day they have diagnosed him with chronic migraines and put him on medications … im so sorry you feel as though everything is going wrong what i think it is is that when our husbands were here they were our main priority and making them comfortable was our only concern i hope you go on ok at the hospital next Thursday i will obviously keep messaging you to make sure you are ok xxx my son feels the same as me we have no faith in the medics at all … thank you so much for asking how we went on today thank you for thinking about us xx take care of yourself love jo xx
Hi Jo, have read your post about the hospital appointment, it must have been horrendous for you and your son and I so feel for you. To have to go into the same room!!! I can’t imagine what your mind was doing. When I have to go to that place I will be in bits, probably show myself up terribly as no one will be with me. Lee, my grandson would come but don’t want him or anyone else for that matter to see me freaking out. Sorry I didn’t come on yesterday but computer was messing about so I gave it a miss. Take it easy today and try to get over the trauma of yesterday.
Thinking of you Pat xxx
Gosh Debra, you and me alike. I have not been to a doctor for years, hate them. Never had a hospital appointment in my life and suddenly I have a problem. Became breathless last week, it was terrible especially as I am a rambler and do miles of walking, I was out on a walk when it happened. Now it’s a hospital appointment and I dread it, dread even going through the doors. Think if I’m going to have a heart attack it will be then. I must admit that since Brian went I have been bingeing out on rubbish food. Too much biscuits, cake and sweets even fizzy pop and I never eat or drink any of this. Been a health freak for years. Gym, diet, exercise. This regime didn’t save my Brian, so I wonder if it’s all it’s cracked up to be. Heart to be checked out now and my Dr said the Cardiology will love me as I’m so fit and they never get fit people in there. So there you go. Have got myself back on track again and on healthy diet and taking vitamins that will help heart as well as immune functioning of the body and hope that’s enough. I am the patient from hell so they will probably refuse to ever see me again anyway. I hope!!! Best of luck.
hi Pat glad your computer is back up and running xx It wasnt nice going there yesterday at all didnt teally sleep much the night before as i knew it was going to be tough. but i had to do it for my son there where a few tears in the waiting toom as obviously i pictured Darrell in his wheelchair at the side of me waiting to be called in … temembered every poster that was on the wall one saying that the nhs is there to support the people who need it bloody joke but lets not get me started on that … i still havent syarted wtitibg the complaints letter to the gp yet just cant find the right words at the minute as it will just be a very offensive letter thought about going to see him but dont want to get arrested for battering him lol … why not take your grandson up on the offer to go with you it might help him aswell if he realises that he is helping and supporting you just an idea xx have a relaxing day today take care sending lots of love jo xx
Hi Caroline, when we’re in the dream state, this is then our loved ones in the spirit world can easily communicate with us. Whilst we are sleeping, we’re not displaying any anxious desires to have contact with our loved ones, we become passive and relaxed which removes the deep desire to see and sense our departed loved ones. The most powerful messages can be delivered when we’re in the dreamstate, and I have no doubt that this experience you’ve had will be the first of many.
So pleased you were able to be comforted and reassured by your lovely dad, even though he’s no longer walking the earth plane, he still loves and protects you from the spirit world.
Blessings
Jen☆
Hi Jeanette, what a lovely message to Jo and so pleased you had a visit from your beloved Dad. I thought my Brian had forgotten me of late, nothing heard from him until the other night and after I had gone to bed the radio in the kitchen came on. It was his favourite radio (he had one in every room). This is the second time and as I have to go through the kitchen before I go to bed after letting out the dogs, I know for certain it’s not on. Both times it has come on just as I get into bed. Then last night I dropped off in the chair and I dreamt that I went into the dining room and he was going through things in there. I said ‘I’m pleased your here and I’m not alone’. Then I woke up, all too soon but I was pleased. He’s back, just when I need him. You see I thought I was coping pretty well, starting to accept my lot. Not particularly happy with it but accepted it. Now I have gone back downhill again with all the fear and grief coming back. Is it just me or are others of the opinion they are going backwards all too often. Love Pat xxxx
Jo, I have just read again your post to Caroline on Monday. I cried when I read it then and could think of no suitable words. I have just read it again and still can’t say anything except what a truly devoted, special woman you are. How many could have done what you was doing. The responsibility must have been tremendous. I cared for Brian alone but didn’t have to cope with machinery. I would have if I had to though, there’s no doubt in my mind. There was to be no resuscitation with Brian and I wouldn’t have wanted it, he was in so much pain. It was in writing but I kept trying to stop them from asking him about it. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t accept that I was losing him. When Brian went he just sighed as I sponged him down and that was it. He looked so peaceful. He wouldn’t have wanted to go on as he was. So I have to accept that it was his time to go. I hate it. I can’t believe that this time last year he was becoming weaker, but still up and about and sitting in his chair reading his beloved books. I didn’t realise that it was to be so soon that I would lose him. I just want to cuddle him again, why didn’t I do it more when I had the chance. Sorry in one of those ‘down’ moods today. Wish it was time to go to bed. Take care and love Pat xxxx
hi Pat im sorry you are having one of those days today they happen far to often for us all dont they… thank your for tour kind words i was devoted to Darrell truly he was and still is my life i would do it all again for him… we could tell each other anything Darrell knew i would never let him down and i hope i didnt … i know he appreciayed everything he kept saying he didnt want to be a burden but i would always say if it was the other way around would you do the same for me he would say yes of course i love you i knew he would… i would say well then youre my life so how can you be a burden i love you xxx The what ifs can wat away at us you did everything possible for your Brian and im sure he appreciated it like Darrell did he would be very proud of you Pat and he will be by your side no matter what making sure you are ok… Have you ever asked Brian a question and then suddenly had the answer in your head i have and i know its Darrell giving me the answer… im here tonight if you want to chat … im sorry if my message to caroline made you cry xxxxx love jo
Hi Pattidot, before George died my cholesterol was very high and I had a good diet then. I must admit my diet is no where near as good as it was, I mainly eat cereal unless my son or daughter are at home when I will make the effort to cook. I had a work medical a few weeks ago, and my cholesterol is now significantly higher. They have referred me to the metabolic clinic because they think I may have some kind of faulty gene which is causing it. I have also developed red/purple network like rash over my body. The dermatologist was very excited and did a skin biopsy last week, it could all be related. At the same medical they found blood in my urine which has not gone and is worsening so I now have to go for an ultrasound next week. I feel as if I am falling apart, and so want George with me as I go through all of this. You take care xx
hi jeanette and Caroline hope you are both ok xx love jo xx
Hi Pat hope you are ok xx love jo xx
Hello all,I have only just discovered your conversations,so moving and emotional so full of love and despair all mixed together.I feel like we echo each other’s thoughts and feelings,what would we do without each other.I feel so angry when I see couples bickering when we were all so totally devoted to our husbands ,and your dad Caroline,and they have cruelly been taken from us.The sun is shining today everything looks beautiful but I see no beauty or feel the warmth,just empty and aching inside,I am so deeply unhappy without my darling Roy.We had 30 wonderful years together and I used to say that I never would have dreamt I could be so happy.I too had a lovely dream the other night we were walking together holding hands,talking and just being ‘us’ it was the Roy before he became poorly ,but then you have to wake up to the pain that is reality.You are all amazing sensitive caring people and i’m glad to have found this thread.Your words of despair but also of wisdom are inspiring.Sorry to ramble on! Much love to you all,my thoughts are with you,Corinna xxx